My boyfriend has a fetish so I indulged him by trying cigarettes and now I’m worried that I’m getting addicted and I’m scared because honestly I don’t even want to stop.
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Edit 1: I’ve never had anyone to talk to about these kinds of things so, yes I’m rambling a lot but it helps me.
Edit 2: no he’s not a bad boyfriend. Of course he didn’t try and stop me, didn’t I say he has a fetish??? These were my choices and it’s not his responsibility. It’s my own fault.
Edit 3: this really blew up! I didn’t really want it to, but thanks to everyone thanks for all the kind comments. And for the pervs asking me what brand I smoke, if I tried smoking before, etc… duhhh I have a boyfriend who has the same fetish so I obviously know what you’re doing and I won’t answer you!!
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About 6 months ago I became more serious about the guy I was seeing and we started dating properly. Idk why it took so long because he’s seriously amazing, he makes me feel so good about myself, he’s really kind to others, he’s way smart and really attractive too. Our relationship moved really fast after that but it’s because we live quite close so we could see each other most days.
Things were going great until about 3 months ago. I caught him staring at another girl when we were out one day so I pestered him to tell me if he thought she was hot. I was just playing and wasn’t jealous or anything but I was just curious. Anyway it seemed fine at first but then I regretted it when we got home because he confessed that the main reason he was watching her because she was smoking.
Then he told me that he always thought girls who smoke are sexy and he knew even before we dated.
I know it’s wrong, but I really didn’t handle it well (actually I think the first thing I did was laugh at him because I thought it was so ridiculous). I could tell he was really embarrassed about it but even so I kept telling him how stupid smoking was. He actually doesn’t smoke either which is what I worried about then too.
After a bit of a fight, I let him explain and he let me keep asking questions. Actually it did help me understand so I’m glad we did that. Even before then, I knew he liked the bad girl type (DEFINITELY NOT ME LOL) because he likes it when I wear my leather boots and goes crazy if I wear my jacket or leather skirt at the same time. I don’t mind that and we’ve brought that into the bedroom too because it does make me feel sexy. That’s when he’s REALLY good to me but I just couldn’t see how I could feel the same way if I was smoking.
Well anyway our sex life went kind of awkward then because I told him immediately I would never try smoking and he understood. But every time we would get intimate, I would just think about how he would want me to smoke…Or was he thinking about other girls smoking? Does he have smoking girls on his laptop etc. etc…It just made me close off completely I guess. That went on for like 2 or 3 weeks until we argued about it again when he asked me if I would pretend for him by just holding one.
I can’t lie, I got really pissy at him and stormed out his house but please don’t tell me I was a bad girlfriend or whatever because I knew that I was. We made up kind of the next day but our relationship just didn’t feel happy anymore so I wanted to make it up to him. I really thought of everything I could but this was the first time I think he’s ever wanted something so I caved and bought some cigarettes. It was so embarrassing!
After that, I told him to come to mine and I was dressed the way he liked as a surprise. I showed him the cigarettes and told him I would pretend for him like he asked but I wouldn’t actually light it or anything. He obviously loved it which made me happy, but, well I was surprised but I had a lot of fun. It felt weird to hold a cigarette at first so I didn’t think I was being very sexy but we made it into a roleplay and even I thought it was hot. Actually I liked that new game so much, I said we could do it another time if he went down on me and up until then, it was by far the best he ever given me.
Anyway I pretended for him a few more times and he asked me if I would do the same, but just holding a lit cigarette instead. I was okay with it but I didn’t take any pretend puffs like before. I was a little mad because I thought he was trying to trick me at first because I didn’t realise you had to puff on it to light it. First I said no but idk why I changed my mind, I think I was worried our relationship would go backwards again so I tried it.
I was only meant to do that one puff to light it but after I did that one I guess I got curious so I tried it again (he didn’t ask me to). The taste was bad but I decided I actually didn’t feel uncomfortable doing it for him, and I knew how crazy it was making him so I just kept trying it. I didn’t want to admit it, but I actually liked it in the end. Not the actual smoke that was still bitter and it got all in my eyes, but the act of it made me feel different and confident or like in control idk.
Since that experience, I thought to myself ‘okay it’s not so bad so I can do it from time to time.’ so I had a few more over a little while, and after a few times he asked me to inhale. I let him teach me about it because I figured I was smoking already and I already lied to myself that a few a week was okay. The amount I coughed was the least sexy I had ever been in my life but once again I stupidly kept going because somehow even that turned him on.
I thought that would be a one time thing but I don’t know why, I think one or two days later I did it for him again, like I was the one who suggested smoking and I just tried inhaling without him asking me to. I kept coughing like crazy but my boyfriend would really go all out for me when I did it so I continued. Yes, I knew he was trying to encourage me in that way but the headrush and the sex together was something else lol.
There were times we had sex without the smoking but I guess we both missed it in some way so even when I finished that first pack, I let him get me a new one and these were even easier to smoke. For a while everything was great because I had decided that I was okay with smoking from time to time, and I liked how playful our sex life was, especially since one of my friends had told me recently how boring their’s was… It made me a little grateful for my secret.
I think the first time I took smoking outside of the bedroom was a couple of weeks ago… I knew doing that might change things, but he was working from my house and when we finished I though it’d be nice if we had a bit of a dress-up meal and a few drinks. I made it quite romantic and idk I felt like it would be fun if I teased him a little probably because I was tipsy. I asked him if he knew what went well with
wine and I told him a cigarette! He asked me to prove it so I did. I wasn’t really trying to take it anywhere, I just thought it’d be fun and I was totally right. That night he asked me if I would smoke one more time, but just casually at the table and I was happy to do it. I could only do half because these were way longer and I was already getting drunk and dizzy etc.
The next day (or a few days I don’t remember) I wanted to make it up to him for cutting things short. I know it’s stupid now I’m writing it but I always feel guilty for little things so I snuck the cigarettes in the pocket of my leather jacket cause he constantly asks me to wear it when we go out. I said I would wear it, and even wear my boots too if he took me to a cute bar. He went CRAZY when I did and that was before I even showed him that I took the cigarettes out with me lol. I only planned to smoke one but idk what came over me, we stayed and drank for like the whole night and I must have had like three or four cigarettes? I wanted to blame it on him, but really I did it because I wanted to.
That’s when it started becoming a bit more regular. In fact I think this last week I’ve smoked AT LEAST one cigarette every day. I don’t get anxious or feel bad if I don’t smoke or whatever, but I think I’m pretty addicted because I keep thinking about having a cigarette in all these random situations and yesterday for example I had one even though he wasn’t at my flat.
I’m scared because twelve year old me would be disgusted at me. It’s so bad for you and I know it’s addictive and even though it makes me feel sexy sometimes, I’m not even doing it for that reason anymore. I hate myself that I changed my mind about trying it in the first place, but even worse, I have no idea how to stop myself. I don’t want our sex life to change, I don’t want to disappoint him, and I don’t want to lose this new confident side to me.
I’m not looking for advice or sympathy. Yes I know I’m dumb for this, but I just needed to write this all out.