That was going to be a long drive up to Susie's wedding, and I was wondering if I would be able to get through it without wanting a cigarette. I just hadn't really considered that mom would let me smoke in the car, though I realize now that there was no reason for her not to. Anyway, I was already starting to feel like I wanted one when she said I could smoke with her if I wanted to. I thought that would be neat, so I opened up my new pack of VS Lights and had one. That was a new experience, smoking in the car with her, but I liked doing it. Now, one of the things about mom I never really knew was that when she was on the highway and by herself, she tended to smoke quite a bit more than she normally did. I don't know why, it was just a habit for her that she got into once she started travelling for work a lot. She never did it when we were all together as a family in the car. Anyway, it seemed like she would have another cigarette every 20 or 30 minutes during our drive, and I started to feel like joining her after watching her smoke 2 or 3 more. I had my second one of the trip about an hour after the first, and a third one about an hour after that. I started to feel like I had overdone it after the third one. But we made a pit stop not long after that and bought some Cokes, and we both smoked while we were sipping on those in the car after we started moving again. That seemed to reset my smoking meter or whatever, and I didn't feel like I had smoked too much any more. In fact, it started to feel totally different, really good somehow, and I felt like I could have my next cigarette whenever I wanted to. That wasn't quite the case, because I still needed to wait longer than mom did before I really wanted another one, but somehow it just seemed a whole lot more comfortable for me to smoke all of a sudden. Sitting next to mom in the car and watching her smoke made me feel like having one pretty often. By the time we got to our hotel, I think I had smoked 8 times. And that didn't count the two I had at home before we left. Once we had checked in and freshened up, mom and I went to dinner. She got us a table in the smoking section, of course, but I still wasn't sure if I wanted to smoke in the restaurant with her. Doing it in the car on the highway was one thing, but this was totally different. After they brought the menus, mom lit up. She looked at me and said, "You can smoke too if you want." "Mom!," I said in sort of a stage whisper, "what is it with you today? Do you want me to smoke or something? It almost seems like it!" "No, honey," she answered. "Of course not. But if you're going to be a smoker, well, you may as well go ahead and smoke. No sense feeling guilty about it". I think I understood what she was trying to say, and I nodded. But I still wasn't totally sure I was ready to smoke here in this setting. I was really tempted to, though, and I thought about it for a while. I was nervous about doing it here, the same sort of feeling I had when I smoked with her the first time. Watching mom smoke finally got to be too much and a part of me decided that it was time, so I lit up and joined her. Mom didn't say anything about it, which was a relief, just pushed the ashtray to center it on the table between us. I realized that I liked the fact I was smoking while the waiter took our orders, that it somehow made me feel like mom's equal. Once we finished our meals, I knew that I was going to smoke then too. I already had found that smoking after dinner was my favorite one of the whole day, and I guess mom felt the same way. She was offering me a light even before she had lit up her own, and this one was extra-nice. Once we got back to the hotel I was starting to feel a little smoked-out, but I had two more that night in the room with mom before going to bed. I guess that made 14 for the day, twice as many as I had ever had before. Saturday morning when I woke up my chest felt kind of heavy, and my throat felt a little scratchy too. And I also felt this strange sort of empty, nagging feeling. Mom and I got ready and went to breakfast in the hotel coffee shop, and the minute I saw her have a cigarette, I knew I really wanted one too. I hadn't felt that sort of feeling quite that way before, and when I had my first puff it felt so good that it took me a moment to realize that the empty feeling had gone away. I knew almost right away that it was what Jackie had told me about. I really was getting hooked on smoking. But somehow the idea didn't bother me too much. In fact, I had started to like the idea of smoking all the time the way mom and Jackie did. It seemed to have some sort of bizarre appeal to me, not something I could really put into words, but I started to feel like I wanted to become a real smoker. The wedding wasn't until 3:00 that afternoon, so mom and I spent the first part of the day shopping. She would stop every so often to have a cigarette, and I joined in. I would never have thought of smoking in the mall at home, even with her permission, but in this place it seemed OK, and it was actually sort of fun. I realized after my second one that my pack was almost empty, so we went to a pharmacy in the mall and mom bought me 3 packs of VS Menthols. On the way back to the hotel around lunchtime I had to open up one of them since I had just finished the last of my old pack. It hit me that I had just smoked a whole package of cigarettes in less than 24 hours! I never would have thought I could do that, or want to. But the amazing part was that it was so easy. In fact, I really liked it. Once we got back to the hotel we had lunch -- plus 2 more cigarettes for me -- and then it was time to dress for the wedding. Mom and I had to share the mirror in our hotel room to put on our makeup, and we both had cigarettes lit and waiting for us in the ashtray while we did our faces. It was so neat to be able to just reach out and have a puff whenever I felt like it while we were doing that. I had seen mom do that for years, and now I was able to enjoy it also. Plus, I was actually able to watch myself in the mirror while I smoked, and that part was really cool too. I realized just how important it was to do it in some kind of practiced way, and I made sure to watch myself in the mirror every time I took a puff and I tried to do it in different ways to see what looked the best. Being able to smoke like that -- not having to sneak it, or finish it too quickly, but rather just being able to enjoy it at my leisure -- felt wonderful. For the first time I started to feel like a real smoker, and I started to see the advantages of not having to conceal my smoking any more. We made it to the church on time and after hanging around outside for a while and seeing all the relatives who were there, Mom and I went inside. Susie looked fantastic in her gown, and all of the wedding party were really handsome in their outfits. The ceremony went really well, and then mom armed me with some streamers and confetti when we made our way outside to wait for them to come out. While everyone was waiting out on the steps and sidewalk, a lot of people including mom were smoking. I really felt like having a cigarette too but I wasn't that confident just yet, so I did without, even though mom looked at me while she was lighting up and I knew the look meant that I could have had one if I wanted. I waited until we got into the car and headed off to the reception, but then I lit up real quick. Since mom got lost on the way to the reception, I actually had time for two cigarettes. I think mom smoked about 4, she was so flustered. Thank god we had plenty of time! We got a table with my Aunt Christine and Uncle Wayne, along with my cousin Shauna, none of whom I'd seen in 2 years. They moved out west 4 or 5 years ago and had only been back one time since. I really missed them, because when I was smaller they lived just down the road and Shauna and I were best friends. She's 2 years older than me and I barely recognized her when I saw her, she looked so much older than the last time I saw her. Of course, she said exactly the same thing about me! Her and I got caught up on things while mom, Christine and Wayne did the same. I noticed the 3 of them were all smoking but since Shauna and I had so much catching up to do I didn't really pay much attention or care, especially since I had just had those 2 cigarettes in the car. Then the ceremonies started and we were eating and drinking and generally having a good time. Shauna and I were drinking sodas, but our moms let us have some champagne when it came around. There were so many toasts to the bride and groom I lost count, and we needed to get our glasses refilled. I had had the stuff a couple of times before and just like before it got me a little buzzed. When all the adults at the table lit cigarettes after eating, watching them and feeling the champagne made me want to smoke like never before. I had to get mom aside after a bit, and I asked her if it was OK if I smoked. "Do you want one?" she asked. I nodded. "Well then, what are you waiting for? Go ahead," she said with a shrug, as if there was no other possible answer. I think I was shaking just a little when I reached into my purse and pulled out my pack of VS Lights and set them on the table. Shauna's eyes got really big and she really seemed surprised, but Christine and Wayne barely seemed to notice. I felt really self-conscious when I lit one up and Christine turned to look at me. "Claire, so you smoke? Keeping up the family tradition, huh? Been at it very long?," she asked almost casually. "No, not very," I mumbled, trying not to blush as I blew out smoke. I did my best to look like it was no big deal for me, but I know I was very, very nervous. I took another puff too quickly and embarassed myself as it managed to make a sound that was almost rude when I didn't make a good seal with my lips on the filter. I barely took in any smoke at all and I'm sure it looked as stupid as it sounded. Mom bailed me out, though. "Claire's been smoking for just a few weeks, Chris," she said before anyone could comment. "Like you say, it seems part of the tradition. I decided to let her smoke and not make a big thing out of it. I think it still seems a little strange to her sometimes to be honest. But she's learning, though," she said with a chuckle. With that I tried another puff and this time I just kept dragging forever until I couldn't take any more into my mouth, trying to show them that I wasn't any rookie. I felt my lungs completely fill with smoke this time when I inhaled, the most I had ever taken in, but it felt great. I smiled, both at the accomplishment and at the cool sensation I felt from inhaling that much nicotine all at once, and did the slow nasal exhale that I had practiced in the mirror that afternoon. I was learning, all right! I noticed Shauna eyeing me, and then she looked at her mom. Christine smiled, nodded, and pushed her pack of Marlboro Light 100s in her direction. Shauna quickly pulled one out, and her mom offered her a light. Now it was my turn for my eyes to get big. "We've been letting Shauna have an occasional cigarette with us at home after meals or whatnot for the last year or two," Christine explained. "She still isn't sure she wants to smoke full-time like you, Claire, but every now and then she likes one." Shauna grinned as she exhaled a stream of smoke towards the ceiling. "I have a problem with admitting to people that I smoke sometimes," she said. "But hey, if you have enough guts to smoke here, I sure ought to be able to," she laughed. "After all I'm 2 years older than you." If I looked half as good while smoking as she did, I thought, I sure wouldn't be worried about it. With her long, curly dark hair and eyes and the white cigarette cocked away from her wrist by the side of her head she looked absolutely stunning. And with that, it was over. No big deal. Her and I smoked the rest f the evening, and she even had a couple of my VS Menthols and I tried one of her mom's Marlboro Lights. I still didn't care all that much for cigarettes that weren't mentholated, but those weren't bad either. But the important thing was that all of a sudden I felt OK about smoking. Something had changed inside of me, and now I not only liked to smoke for all the reasons I always had, but now my head said it was all right for me to enjoy it too. And that's what I did, all night long. It was wonderful. One other funny thing happened there that night. Susie and Todd, her new husband, made the rounds of the guest tables with a platter of wedding cake. When they got to our table and after all of the handshakes and kisses, Susie spotted my pack on the table. "Omigod, VS Menthol Lights! Oh man, I'd kill for one of those right now. Todd, take this," she said, handing him the tray of cake. "I'm going to have a cigarette. May I?," she said, picking up my pack and looking around the table since she didn't know whose they were. I told her sure, and she looked surprised for a second that they were mine, before she pulled one out and sat down. She lit up and took a huge double puff. She exhaled a big cloud and sighed. "Oh wow, I needed that. These are my brand," she explained before pausing to take another huge puff. " Todd didn't think it would look too good for me to smoke at the head table in my gown and all, and like an idiot, I agreed with him," she said before starting another drag. "I've been dying for one for the last hour. I was just about to sneak into the ladies room and make myself look like a fool. Thanks, Claire, you're a lifesaver," she said. "I didn't even know you were a smoker. But I'm sure glad you are!" It seemed like all of us at the table decided to light up and join in, and Susie even had a second one before Todd made her rejoin him delivering the cake. The whole scene shouldn't have surprised me, because even though she was only 24, Susie has been a real hard-core smoker as long as I can remember. I think she started when she was about 12 or so. Why she ever agreed not to smoke at the reception is beyond me. If I couldn't do it, there wasn't a hope she could. It was great to see everyone over the weekend, and the next day mom and I made our way home. Between Shauna and Susie and myself, I was working on my last pack of the three that mom had bought me by the time we got home. I don't know how many of those I actually had, but I figure I smoked at least a whole pack over Saturday and at least another half-pack by mid-afternoon Sunday when we got home. I had that same empty feeling again on Sunday morning when I woke up, and right away I understood that I needed to smoke. And once I did have my first cigarette of the morning, I realized that I enjoyed it so much that I knew I wanted to be able to do that all the time. So that helped totally make up my mind. Daddy was home when we got back, and I didn't smoke at first. I had three in the last half-hour or so of our trip just to hold me, so I didn't really feel like having one anyway. But it was just a matter of time, and once we had finished dinner I knew that the time had come. Mom went into the family room to smoke, and I went in right after her, carrying my purse which had my cigarettes and lighter in it. I sat down and lit up. She looked at me and grinned, for she knew that dad would not be long in coming in too. My heart was pounding with anxiety, but I knew it was something I had to do. After all, I had learned something on the weekend. What I learned was that I was a smoker. When he came in and saw me he looked like it didn't quite register at first. Then he just stared at me for a few seconds. I beat him to the punch before he could say anything. "Daddy, you can see that I smoke now. Mom has known for a little while and I decided it was time to tell you. Please understand, I don't want you to be upset so I hope you don't get mad. I want to be honest with you and that's why I'm letting you know. I told Mom and she says that I can smoke now if I want, so I'm going to. But I want your permission too." He looked at mom, who just shrugged as if to say, "what could I do?", then back at me. I took a puff as he watched, and when I exhaled he finally said something. "Geez," he muttered, "you look like you've been doing THAT for a while," and he shook his head. "As if you would do anything that wasn't just perfect. I just wish it was something else. But I can see that no matter what I say it won't make a bit of difference. It looks like the decision's already made for you, isn't it? I'll be damned... my little girl smokes." He paused before saying, "Sure, Claire, go ahead. I don't like it, but there's not much I can do about it. I just hope you realize what you're getting into." I did, of course, and I getting into it is something I definitely have done. All of that happened almost a year ago. Once I felt good about smoking I guess it was just a natural thing to start to smoke more. Right from the start I had a regular smoking schedule each day, and even that gradually increased over the next few months as I began to tolerate it better and started to feel cravings more often. It was amazing how quickly it seemed to capture me. I went from feeling really strange about having a cigarette to feeling totally natural about smoking in just a matter of weeks. Now I'm a pack-a-day girl, and I tend to smoke even more on weekends or vacation. I know that I'm probably addicted now, but it doesn't really bother me that much. Part of me even likes that feeling of being hooked, I suppose. I love that feeling of being able to satisfy myself when I sense a craving come on. And I still love the physical sensation of smoking; for me, I just love to draw on a cigarette, pull smoke into my mouth and then feel it fill up my lungs when I inhale. I still don't hang around with most of the kids at school who smoke, and if you asked them whether I smoked I think about 90% of them would say there's no way that I do. But a few of them know, even though I don't smoke hardly at all around the school. It's hard sometimes but I manage. I haven't found a craving yet that I can't handle long enough to make it home. The ones that know are my friend Rebecca, whose mom also lets her smoke at home, though nowhere else yet -- a secret I didn't even know about until I confessed to her that I was a smoker a few months ago -- and Robbie, a guy I met at the drama club a while back. Rebecca and I have been friends for years. She's really smart but kind of high-strung and a loner, sort of like me. I guess that's understandable given her situation. Her mom is... well, I always kind of thought her mom was crazy, for what it's worth. She's divorced and has raised Rebecca alone, so I guess I shouldn't be so hard on her since I don't know what she's been through. She's a total addict when it comes to smoking, and Becca told me that her mom started making her take puffs from her cigarette and taught her to inhale them when she was 8 or 9 to try and relax her because Becca seemed so high-strung. Some kind of motherhood, huh? Anyway, Becca has been smoking cigarettes on her own at home since she was 11. After having her mom force them on her it's amazing that she ended up liking it, but she did and so now she is out in the open about it a little more, at least with me. That was a neat surprise. We'll smoke together if we go to a mall or someplace, and of course she'll smoke at my place when she's there. As for Robbie, he doesn't smoke himself, but he invited me out and I really liked him. I decided that he should know that I smoke, since he wouldn't have known from seeing me around school, and as it turned out he didn't mind. In fact, he seems to pay an awful lot of attention to me every time I go to light up. Sometimes I think he might actually like the fact that I smoke. I've tried a bunch of different brands over the last year, the Marlboro Light 100s that Shauna had, the Camel Lights that Becca likes, the Kool 100s I started out with at Jackie's, some Salem 100s, and even those VS 120s, but I still think that VS Menthol Light 100s are the best cigarette made. Mom picks them up for me, and a carton a week usually does me just fine. Or it did until the last couple of months. As you can probably guess, my sister Jennifer has finally started to experiment too. I didn't encourage her or anything, but I caught her sneaking a cig from my pack one afternoon and she fessed up. She had taught herself how to smoke by sneaking mom's and mine, so now we'll have a few in my room most days even though she says she likes those Parliament 100s of mom's more than my menthols. I can tell she's starting to get into it. She's puffing harder all the time and her inhales are getting about as deep as mine. She likes it. I know she'll have to come clean real soon if she keeps it up much longer, and there's sure no sign that she is thinking of stopping. Mom already knows. I just couldn't keep it a secret from her and I knew she wouldn't mind, so I told her about it though as it turned out she already suspected. Jen doesn't even realize yet that mom is aware of it. I'll let her know soon so at least Jen will be able to smoke with us, even if dad doesn't know right away. I'd like her to be able to smoke around the house like me, and I think mom would be happier if she opened up about it too. So I expect one day soon the three of us will be hanging out and smoking together. And carrying on the family tradition, after all. == End
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