I love my cigarettes, but no one who knew me growing up in high
school in my small hometown would ever think they would hear these words
from me or believe it. You see, I was the student body president,
always on the honor roll, the head cheerleader, the roll model for any
younger girl in town. My parents were proud of their daughter for being
such a standout student and citizen. I dated the most highly respected
boys in school; my parents never had to worry about me getting home from
a date later than they said to be home. Sure, I had sex with two of my
boyfriends, but I was always very careful about the timing and the usage
of condoms. God knows I couldn’t have gone to the doctors’ office to
get a prescription for birth control pills out of fear that my
“reputation” would be damaged. But I always knew in the deepest part of
my soul and mind that I would become a smoker – at least since I was 13
years old. And that conviction grew in me almost every day, although I
knew that nothing could provoke me into letting that be known. All that
changed on my first day of freedom at the university.
My Mom and Dad drove me to the university that I had chosen to
enroll in 1000 miles from home. I had chosen to live in the dorm on
campus, at least for my first year. The dorm didn’t have a
smoking/nonsmoking room policy and so you took your chances of residing
with a smoker if you were a nonsmoker. But it would be easy to change
roommates if the situation was unbearable for that reason. Mom had
questioned me if I could accept living with a smoker, if only for a few
months; after all, my clothes would be “ruined” if they got too smoky.
I told her that there’s lots of things you have to worry about in life,
but it’s not worth the agony. I would be able to handle any situation
that arose. We spent the better part of the day moving into my room and
getting to know some of the other girls in the hall. My roommate had
not yet arrived, giving Mom some dismay, not knowing if she would turn
out to be a smoker. Then it was time to say goodbye to Mom and Dad, as
they wanted to get going down the road for the long trip home. They
were so proud of their baby starting her first year at college; Mom
cried as we said our goodbyes because this was the first time I had ever
been away from home and they knew they wouldn’t see me again until
Christmas more than 3 months away. I was tingling with anticipation for
them to leave; as I said I knew for a long time that I was going to
become a smoker and I couldn’t wait for that to begin!
As I watched their car turn the corner at the end of the street
I knew what I would do. I walked three blocks to the nearest off campus
convenience store, knowing that when I walked in that I would buy my
first pack of cigarettes. God, how excited I was. The culmination of
years of longing, of thousands of ads in magazines that beckoned to me,
of the actresses in the movies that I watched smoking as though they
were looking into my eyes, of the erotic dreams on countless nights when
I would awaken aroused by the thought of my own smoking, was now at
hand. I didn’t know exactly how it would turn out at the convenience
store, but I was hoping there would be a display stand on the counter
offering either Marlboro Lights 100’s or Virginia Slims, so instead of
asking a clerk for a pack I would just casually take a pack from the
display and put down my money on the counter so as to not look foolish.
I wouldn’t be needing a lighter as I had a pack of matches hidden well
within my purse. My heart started racing as I got closer and closer to
the store and I was starting to blush a little. What the hell, no one
knew me around here. I decided to calm down a little before entering by
slowing my pace of walking and that helped. Before I knew it I was at
the storefront; I even had to glance once over my shoulder just in case
my parents had come back for some unknown reason and spotted me going in
the store. I let out a little laugh at that prospect and went in. Sure
enough right on the counter there was a display of cigarettes from which
I could choose! I didn’t hesitate in selecting a pack of Virginia Slims
and put down a five dollar bill. The clerk was a young guy and appeared
somewhat flustered when he saw me and said nothing other than the
correct change. I thanked him and turned to leave, trying not to look
like I was in a big hurry, but I felt like I couldn’t get out of the
store fast enough. A big warm smile came over me as I got out and then
looked at what I had just bought. It was a pack of Virginia Slims
alright.120’s! I had seen these advertised but never thought that they
would be the first cigarette I would smoke. They looked very elegant in
their longer than anticipated package. It was time!
Across the street from the store was a city park and I didn’t
see anyone there other than a few children all the way across the open
area playing on some playground equipment and being dutifully watched by
a few women. I found a large cottonwood tree to sit under in some
freshly mown grass. Fumbling through my purse I found the matches and
once again held the pack of Virginia Slims 120’s in my hand. I noticed
the words Luxury Lights on the box and thought that these wouldn’t be
very strong to start with, so I excitedly ripped the cellophane strip
off and flipped open the pack. I figured out how to get one out without
much trouble, but was quite surprised at how long it actually was. I
was very intrigued and couldn’t wait. I smelled the length of the
cigarette and couldn’t believe how good it actually smelled! How was I
going to do this, I thought? Would I start coughing and feel slightly
ill? I wasn’t going to let that happen no matter what. I slowly raised
the smooth long slim filter to my lips, held the matchbook in both
hands, and struck a match. Lifting the flame to the end of the VS 120
and steadying the cigarette with the fingers of my left hand, I drew
ever so gently on the filter until I noticed that the flame actually was
being drawn toward the end. It was lit! I tasted the smoke immediately
in my mouth and blew it all out as I withdrew the filter from my lips.
I was surprised at the taste, not unlike being around a campfire and
inhaling some smoke. I drew another puff, held it in my mouth for 5
seconds and tried to breathe through my nose ever so delicately. I blew
out some smoke, but this time there seemed to be more of a continuous
stream coming out. I had just inhaled my first puff of smoke from a
Virginia Slims 120 and it didn’t make me cough! I was ecstactic! I was
going to be able to call VS 120’s “My Cigarette”! I tried again drawing
on the filter a little longer, holding the smoke in my mouth and then
trying to breathe through my mouth very slowly. I didn’t feel any need
to cough so I continued to breathe in. After about 5 seconds I released
my breath and to my amazement the taste sensation that I experienced at
that moment was so exhilerating that I knew I would be a smoker from
that point forward. I suddenly realized that I had been oblivious to
the world, only my intent devotion to what I was doing being the sole
reason for existence at that time and place. I finished my cigarette
and decided to go back to the dorm to meet whomever my roommate would
be. I had finally shed the expectations of everyone who ever knew me
and was embarking on a new me, a new self, a woman that would be proud
of what she does for her own self-satisfaction, not someone elses!