Emily sat in the back seat of her parents’ car, listening intently as they lectured her about the dangers of college life. Her parents were devoutly religious, and had raised Emily to be a good Christian. They had always taught her to be responsible and cautious, to stay away from anything that could lead her down a dangerous path.
As her parents spoke, Emily’s mind wandered to the idea of temptation. She had never been interested in dating, nor had she ever experienced any real desire for physical intimacy. But as her parents continued to talk about the dangers of alcohol, drugs, and sex, Emily couldn’t help but feel a twinge of fear deep in her chest.
She imagined what it would feel like to disappoint her parents, to make a mistake that would cause them to see her in a different light. Emily was always eager to please others, and she hated the thought of causing conflict or disappointing people. The idea of succumbing to temptation and leading herself astray from the values her parents had instilled in her was a scary one.
As the car pulled up to the dormitory, Emily’s parents turned around to face her. Her mother, with tears in her eyes, gave her a big hug and told her how proud she was of her. Emily’s father, on the other hand, patted her on the back and said, “You got this, kiddo. Just remember to stay true to yourself.”
Emily nodded, her own tears starting to well up in her eyes. She had always been close to her parents, and the thought of being away from them was difficult. Her father handed her a small care package that he had prepared for her, filled with her favorite snacks and a few books that he thought she might like to read.
“Call us every night, okay?” Her mother said, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue, “And don’t forget to eat well and get enough sleep.”
Emily promised that she would, and they hugged each other again. As she watched their car disappear into the distance, she took a deep breath.
Emily had always been a bit of a worrier, and moving into the college dorms was no exception. As she looked around the room, she felt overwhelmed by all the newness of it. Everything was so foreign and different from what she was used to. The bed was unfamiliar, the walls were a strange color, and she didn’t know how she was going to fit all her belongings into the tiny space.
She was unpacking her things when another girl walked in, carrying a box full of her own belongings. Emily looked up and was stunned at what she saw.
Her dark hair was streaked with bright green, and she had a septum piercing. Emily had never seen someone wear such heavy eyeliner, and it made her eyes look even darker than they already were. Coupled with her angular features and slender frame, which seemed to tower over her as she sat, the girl radiated a cocksureness that Emily envied even as she found it all a little overwhelming.
The girl’s outfit was similarly striking. She wore a loose-fitting maroon crop top that revealed a hint of midriff, ratty old jean shorts, and what looked like a pair of men’s work boots. As she moved across the room, Emily noticed the edges of a tattoo peeking out from behind her shirt as it shifted about her body, but couldn’t make out what it was. Emily had never seen anyone like her before. She grew up in a conservative household where modesty was emphasized, and she had always dressed and styled herself very conservatively to avoid drawing attention from others.
Emily couldn’t help but stare at her new roommate with a mix of awe and apprehension. When she looked down at her own knee-length denim skirt and beige button-up blouse that her mother had insisted she wear, she felt like she was from a different planet. She started worrying about how she would measure up in her new roommate’s eyes, but her preoccupations were cut short by a sudden, sharp voice.
“Hey, I’m Adrienne,” the other girl said, extending a hand.
Startled, Emily gasped before finally taking her hand. The sureness of Adrienne’s grip somehow made her feel slightly more at ease. “I’m Emily,” she said, her voice shaking. Then her voice cracked: “Nice to meet you!” Emily was mortified, but Adrienne didn’t seem to notice.
They spent the next few minutes getting to know each other. Emily found herself drawn to Adrienne’s easy-going personality and sense of humor. She seemed kind and thoughtful as well. Once the shock of seeing her for the first time had worn off, Emily felt like she had lucked out in the roommate lottery.
Emily watched as Adrienne unpacked her bags, placing her clothes neatly in the dresser drawers and her toiletries in the bathroom. But it was the sight of the lighter and pack of cigarettes on the dresser that caught Emily’s attention. She had never been around someone who smoked before, let alone a friend who openly indulged in it. She remembered her parents’ stern warnings that smoking was a sin, something to be avoided at all costs.
Emily felt a small knot form in her stomach as she watched Adrienne begin to decorate her side of the room. She didn’t want to be judgmental, but the thought of living in close quarters with someone who smoked made her nervous. She wondered if she could handle it for an entire year. As Adrienne put up posters and pictures on the walls, Emily’s mind raced with questions. Was Adrienne going to smoke in the room? What if the smell got too strong? Would she have to leave the room every time Adrienne wanted to smoke? Would Adrienne try to peer pressure her into starting smoking?
Emily did her best to hide her discomfort, she didn’t want to say or do anything that would make Adrienne feel like she was being judged or that Emily was disappointed in having her as a roommate. She wanted to be a good roommate and didn’t want to ruin a friendship before it even started. She took a deep breath and tried to calm her nerves.
Adrienne noticed Emily’s discomfort as she decorated her side of the room. She could see the worry on Emily’s face, and saw that Emily was cautiously eyeing the cigarettes she had unpacked. Adrienne wanted to reassure Emily, so she turned to face her and said, “Hey, Em, I know you’re probably wondering about the cigarettes. I just wanted to let you know that I’ll only smoke outside, so the smell won’t be an issue. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable in your own room.”
Emily let out a deep breath, feeling relieved that Adrienne was being considerate. She smiled at Adrienne and said, “Thank you, that really means a lot. I was a little worried about it, but I didn’t want to say anything and make you feel bad.”
Adrienne grinned back at Emily. “No worries, Em. I’m here to have a good time, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you having a good time in your own way too.”
Emily smiled at Adrienne the sound of Adrienne calling her “Em.” No one had ever called her by a nickname before, and it made her feel like Adrienne had already accepted her as a friend. Emily had always been the shy, reserved type and often struggled to make friends. But Adrienne’s easygoing nature helped her relax, and now having a nickname made her feel like they were even closer.
As Emily continued organizing her dresser, she continued to sneak glances at Adrienne. She couldn’t help but admire her casual confidence. Adrienne seemed completely at ease in her own skin, and Emily wanted to know how to be that way as well. She had always struggled with her own self-esteem and often felt like she wasn’t good enough. But being around Adrienne, who seemed to already accept her completely, made Emily wonder why she had such a hard time accepting herself.
As the two of them finished decorating their respective sides of the room, Emily felt a growing sense of relief. She felt lucky to have been paired with someone who was so kind and understanding, even if she looked and behaved very different from what she was accustomed to at home.
Over the next few days, Emily and Adrienne settled into a comfortable routine. They spent time exploring campus, attending orientation events, and hanging out in their room. Whenever Adrienne lit up a cigarette, Emily felt a small twitch of curiosity. She wondered what it would be like to smoke a cigarette, but she tried to pushed the thoughts out of mind. It worked, sometimes.
One afternoon, Emily was on her way back to her dorm room after attending a campus event when she saw Adrienne sitting outside with two other girls. They were all smoking and laughing together. Emily hesitated for a moment before approaching them, unsure if it was okay to interrupt.
As she got closer, Adrienne noticed her and waved her over. “Hey, Em! Come join us!” she called out.
Emily felt uneasy. She had gotten comfortable being around Adrienne when she smoked, but she had never been around a group of people smoking before. Adrienne introduced her to the other girls, and Emily awkwardly said hello. She watched as they all took drags from their cigarettes and exhaled plumes of smoke into the air. As she sat down next to Adrienne, one of the other girls offered her a cigarette. “Want one, Emily?” she asked, holding out a cigarette from her pack.
Emily started trying to decline, but it made her feel uncomfortable and she couldn’t get the word out. She didn’t like saying “no” to people. She didn’t want to be rude, but she also didn’t want to start smoking. Adrienne noticed her discomfort and quickly stepped in. “It’s okay, guys. Emily doesn’t smoke,” she said, giving Emily a reassuring smile. Emily smiled back, appreciating Adrienne for understanding her and being sensitive to her feelings.
To Emily’s surprise and relief, the other girls simply shrugged went back to their smoking and chit-chat. Emily wasn’t sure what she was worried about—that they would think she wasn’t fun to be around because she didn’t smoke? Her experience with Adrienne should have taught her differently, and she felt a little silly worrying about it. With Adrienne’s support and reassurances, Emily felt she could gradually start to overcome these anxieties.
Later that evening, as Emily was studying at her desk, Adrienne stepped out onto the balcony. Emily watched through the window as Adrienne lit a cigarette and took her first drag—always the longest, Emily had noticed—vicariously feeling a sense of comfort in the ritual steadiness of the cycle that seemed to govern Adrienne’s smoking habit. She was about to turn back to her books when Adrienne called out to her.
“Hey, Em, get out here, it’s a gorgeous night!” Adrienne shouted from outside.
Emily hesitated for a moment, feeling a mix of excitement and anxiety. But then, without thinking too much about it, Emily grabbed her jacket, stepped out onto the balcony and stood next to Adrienne. She took in a deep breath of the cool night air. The strong scent of tobacco wafting off of Adrienne was both unpleasant and strangely alluring at the same time. She turned to look at Adrienne, and found the way the smoke framed her face in the moonlight particularly enrapturing on this night.
“Tell me what it’s like,” Emily said, in an unusually cool and steady voice.
“What’s smoking like?” Adrienne said. She closed her eyes and took a drag from the cigarette, inhaling deeply and holding the smoke in her lungs for a few seconds before slowly exhaling. As she exhaled, the smoke drifted upwards, forming a swirling cloud above her. She then opened her eyes, looking at Emily with a smile.
“It’s hard to describe,” Adrienne began, her voice almost dream-like. “But it’s like this rush of relaxation and energy all at once. The smoke feels warm and soothing as it fills your lungs, and then you exhale, and it’s like all your worries and stress just float away on the smoke.”
Emily watched as Adrienne spoke, her eyes fixed on the cigarette in her hand. She couldn’t help but feel a little envious of the way Adrienne seemed to be so at ease. She wanted to feel that way too. She was fascinated by the idea of feeling both relaxed and energized at the same time. It sounded like the perfect antidote to the stress and anxiety she had been feeling.
“Really?” Emily asked, leaning in. “It sounds almost too good to be true.”
Adrienne shrugged. “You could find out right now, if you wanted.”
Adrienne lifted the cigarette to her lips, locked eyes with Emily, and took a deep drag, her cheeks hollowing as she inhaled. Emily watched the glowing red ember of the cigarette gently light up Adrienne’s features in the darkness as she breathed.
Emily found herself thinking how much smoking a cigarette seemed to enhance Adrienne’s natural beauty. As the smoke rose up from the cigarette, it seemed to linger and swirl around her fingers, lips, and cheeks like a lady’s maid awaiting orders from her mistress.
When Adrienne exhaled, Emily was struck by the soft sound of her breath as the smoke escaped her lips. It was almost hypnotic, and she found herself imagining what it would be like to take a drag herself. The idea of holding a cigarette in her hand, feeling the smoke fill her lungs, and exhaling a plume of smoke was both thrilling and terrifying.
Emily’s mind began to race as she imagined herself smoking Adrienne’s cigarette. The thought of doing something so daring and rebellious made her heart race and her palms sweat. She was almost dizzy with the sensation.
Adrienne’s voice snapped her back to reality: “Look, you’re going to give yourself a stroke wondering what it’s like if you don’t try it soon. I think it’s probably the
healthiest thing you can do for yourself at this point.” Emily didn’t realize how awkwardly she had craned her neck around to watch Adrienne smoke and returned to a more reasonable posture, leaning on the balcony railing. Adrienne laughed. “Kidding, kidding, I’m not trying to pressure you. Smoke or don’t, I’ll still like you either way.”
Emily blushed at Adrienne’s teasing and let out a nervous laugh. “I don’t think I’m ready for a stroke just yet,” she said, trying to play it off. But deep down, she knew that Adrienne was right. She had been so curious about smoking, and the idea of finally trying it was too enticing to resist.
Emily couldn’t believe she was actually considering smoking a cigarette. Her whole body was quivering at the thought. She had always been the responsible one, the rule follower. But lately, she had been feeling suffocated by her own sense of self- control. She had never felt truly free to do what she wanted without worrying about the consequences.
Adrienne, on the other hand, seemed completely at ease with herself. She was confident and carefree, unafraid to take risks and live in the moment. Emily admired that about her, and part of her wanted to be more like Adrienne. As Emily watched Adrienne take another drag from her cigarette, she felt a sense of longing. She wanted to experience that same sense of freedom, to feel like she was making her own choices for once.
Taking a deep breath, Emily turned to Adrienne and said, her voice shaking, as it had the first time they shook hands, “Okay, give me one.”
Adrienne coughed, unable to believe she was hearing. “Do what??”
“I said give me a goddamn cigarette, Adri!” Emily was taken aback by the sound of her own voice. She had never ordered anyone to do anything in her entire life, let alone in the commanding tone she just used. The shape of her voice in her throat, of the words in her mouth, and of their echo off the wall of the dorm building was… intoxicating. She felt lightheaded for an instant, but she crashed back to earth as she realized how hurtful her words were and fearfully turned towards her friend.
Her gaze met Adrienne’s, both of their eyes wide with shock. Emily knew she had just alienated the most important person in her life right now. She felt a lump rise in her throat, and her eyes began to sting.
But in that instant, Adrienne threw her head back and let out a boisterous howl of laughter. And then another, somehow even louder and longer than the first. It went on until she started coughing, almost unable to catch her breath. Emily had never seen anything like it. She felt like Adrienne might have actually gone insane. Slowly, Adrienne finally collected herself.
“Wow, Em!” she said, still cackling in between breaths. “I never knew you were such a psycho!” Emily felt embarrassed by her outburst, but at the same time, she felt like she had burst through a layer of her old self. The timid and rule-following Emily would never have spoken to Adrienne like that. It was a strange feeling, both exhilarating and frightening.
Adrienne reached into her pocket and pulled out her lighter and a cigarette. “Here you go,” she said, holding them out to Emily “and holy shit, girl, have you ever earned it.”
Emily eyed the lighter and cigarette tentatively. Then she reached out and took the cigarette from Adrienne’s hand. The gesture felt almost automatic. Her fingers were trembling slightly, but she tried to hide it by taking a deep breath and holding the cigarette between her lips. Adrienne leaned over and lit it for her, holding the flame close to the end of the cigarette until it began to glow red.
Emily took a small puff, trying to imitate the way Adrienne had done it. At first, she didn’t feel anything. The smoke was harsh and unpleasant, making her cough and sputter. But as she exhaled, she felt a warm, tingling sensation spreading through her chest and down into her stomach. It was a strange, unfamiliar feeling, and she wasn’t sure if she liked it or not.
Adrienne grinned at her. “See? I told you it was good,” she said.
Emily smiled weakly, still feeling a little unsure. She took another puff, this time inhaling more deeply. As the smoke filled her lungs, she felt a rush of dizziness. Her head spun and her heart raced, and she couldn’t help but feel a little bit giddy.
For the next few minutes, the two girls sat together in silence.
Emily couldn’t believe the sensations rushing through her body as she took another puff from the cigarette. She felt the smoke filling her lungs and the nicotine entering her bloodstream, causing another rush, this time of pure euphoria. It was an entirely new experience for her, one that she had never imagined could feel so good.
As she exhaled the smoke, she felt a sense of power, as if she had unlocked a secret world that only a select few knew about. She glanced over at Adrienne, who was grinning widely, and Emily felt grateful that Adrienne had introduced her to this experience.
Emily’s mind raced as she tried to process everything that was happening. She had always assumed that anything sinful must be unpleasant or painful, as she had been taught to believe that sinning was a way to cause harm to herself and others. But smoking was different. It was an unbelievably pleasurable feeling. How could something that felt so good be sinful?
She took another puff, this time inhaling even more deeply, and the feeling only intensified. Emily felt as though she was floating, weightless and carefree, with nothing else mattering in the world except for the moment she was in. She wondered how it could be that something so enjoyable could be considered sinful or harmful.
Her mind drifted to the lectures her parents had given her about temptation and sin. She had always believed that her parents knew best, and she had promised herself that she would stay vigilant against temptation. But smoking didn’t feel like a sin. It felt like a revelation, a new way of experiencing life.
For so long, Emily had lived her life based on the strict values and principles instilled in her by her parents. She had always believed that anything enjoyable was inherently sinful, and that she should deny herself any such pleasures. But now, as she savored her first rush of nicotine, she couldn’t help but question those beliefs.
Emily looked at her phone. It was after 10:00 p.m., and for the first time since she moved into her dorm, she had forgotten to call her parents in the evening. Maybe her parents had been wrong all along. Perhaps it was possible to enjoy the pleasures of life without being sinful. As Emily took another drag, she felt a newfound confidence in herself and her ability to make her own choices.
Emily knew that smoking was dangerous, that she risked addiction and all kinds of health problems. But in that moment, all she could think about was the intense, irresistible pleasure she felt coursing through her body. She took another puff, feeling wave after wave of nicotine-induced bliss washing over her. She told herself that that everything would be fine. She knew that this was just the beginning of something amazing.
As she exhaled, Emily couldn’t help but feel a sense of excitement and anticipation for the future. She had always been so careful and cautious, but now she was ready to live life on her own terms: taking risks, embracing the unknown, and discovering all the pleasures the world has to offer.