“So how did you start in the first place?” asked Amy.
The question was straightforward enough, but it caused Hannah’s mind to drift a
little bit as there was no specific answer to it, really.
It had just turned 3pm on a Tuesday afternoon in mid-October and Hannah and
Amy were stood round the back of the small office of their fashion PR company in
Soho. Creatures of habit, it was where they could be found at that time on every
working day.
Hannah had been working at the company for nine months, her first job out of
university. A native southerner, she had gone to Manchester University to study
English and fashion and enjoyed it hugely. Her goal after completing the course
was to move to London and get a job in the industry.
After a brief stint back at home searching for jobs, she had landed her current role,
found a tiny flat in south London and got started. She had hit the ground running
and was popular within the company. Partially because she worked hard, partially
because she was good at her job and partially because of her sweet and friendly
nature.
She met Amy, PA to the Chief Executive, when she was being shown around the
office on Day 1 and they had immediately hit it off. Later in her first week her boss
had arranged a staff drinks night out so Hannah could get to know everyone, and
she had easily fallen into conversation with Amy where it became clear they had a
lot in common.
As the conversation continued, although it was a relatively cold night, Amy had had
a glass of wine and was unable to help herself. Pausing slightly, making her eyes
big and tilting her head slightly to the right, she looked at Hannah and asked if she
would mind at all if they carried on the conversation later on as she really wanted
to pop outside for a cigarette.
It had initially surprised Hannah as she hadn’t pegged Amy for a smoker at all or
noticed her taking breaks during the working day. Amy had made the same
assumptions about Hannah and didn’t really want to break off from their
conversation but was aware she wasn’t concentrating properly as her desire for a
cigarette, which she knew was going to come after she’d had a glass of wine, was
distracting her.
However, if Amy thought she was going be negatively judged by her new friend
then she had a pleasant surprise.
“Oh wow, absolutely not, of course”, said Hannah. “But only if I can come out with
you and have one too!”
Amy cracked a large, relieved smile, as she said: “Oh my god, of course! I had no
idea that you were a smoker!”
“I wouldn’t really call myself a smoker per se”, said Hannah. She hadn’t meant it to
sound defensive and was concerned it had come off like that slightly. “I only really
smoke when I drink”, she added. “And on very occasional special circumstances!”,
beaming a broad friendly smile at Amy to ensure she knew she hadn’t been
offended at the description.
“Oh, me too”, agreed Amy. “I don’t smoke at home or at the office but after I’ve had
a drink, I really get the urge! I know it’s bad for me, but it just feels so good with a
glass of wine! Holiday smoking is the absolute best too!”
Hannah smiled her tacit agreement and suggested they go and get their coats,
which had been discarded earlier and hung on the back of some unused chairs in
the corner of the pub they were inhabiting.
“You’re not leaving already, are you?”, asked Hannah’s boss, Lizzy, as she saw her
picking up her jacket.
“No, don’t worry”, replied Amy, who was standing next to her, “I’ve just pulled her
over to the dark side and we’re nipping outside for a smoke.”
“I didn’t realise you smoked Hannah!” said Lizzy, acting slightly shocked.
“I don’t really”, said Hannah, making what she hoped was a good approximation of
the teeth gritted embarrassed emoji, raising her eyebrows and trying to get out of
the conversation as quickly as possible. “It’s just…”, the sentence petered off into a
small shrug as, Amy sensing her new friend’s awkwardness, took her elbow and
led her quickly towards the nearby door.
There weren’t many people outside the pub, so Hannah and Amy quickly found a
good spot and Amy opened her small handbag, removed a pack of Marlboro Gold
that was about two thirds full and proffered it towards Hannah.
“Thanks”, said Hannah as she sheepishly removed one and held it very naturally
between the second and third finger of her right hand.
Amy removed one for herself, putting it straight between her lips before popping
the packet back into her handbag and then removing her small pink lighter. She
leaned over towards Hannah, who placed her cigarette between her lips and
moved in towards her friend, who flicked the wheel and produced a small flame,
cupping her hand to protect it from the evening wind.
She touched the flame to the tip of Hannah’s cigarette before moving it to hers,
gently sucking on the filter and feeling a small sense of relief as her mouth filled
with the familiar taste of smoke, tinged slightly by the Pinot Grigio taste that was
already there.
Hannah had already inhaled her first drag into her lungs and was just beginning to
feel the first of the nicotine seeping into her system. She held the cigarette by her
hip, enjoying watching the smoke start to curl off the tip and disappear into the
London night.
She wasn’t really lying to her friend when she had claimed she wasn’t a smoker. It
was a Thursday night and the last cigarette Hannah had smoked had been over a
week before when she was back in her hometown on a farewell night out with her
sister and her best friend. Having said, that cigarette had been the last of ten or
twelve that she had smoked that night. Her sister definitely was a smoker, getting
through at least ten a day, so a night out with her was always likely to result in
some heavy lungs the next morning.
Her best friend was similar to her, but probably even more of a ‘social’ smoker.
Hannah had definitely smoked on numerous occasions in her life when she wasn’t
drinking, but she wasn’t sure her mate ever had.
After holding the smoke in her lungs for a few seconds, Hannah lifted her chin
slightly and exhaled a thin stream into the sky. Amy then did the same, allowing a
tiny plume to escape from her nose as she finished.
“I love your bag by the way!”, Hannah enthused, using the hand that was holding
her cigarette to point towards her friend’s small, chic black bag that was hung over
her shoulder.
“Thank you!”, replied Amy, “I absolutely love it. I got it last Christmas. I could never
have afforded it myself but I asked everyone to give me cash so I could get half of
the way there. It’s one of those things that’s so nice I’ll still be using it in a decade’s
time.”
“Yeah, totally”, Hannah agreed. “I’d love to get something like that, maybe one
day!”
“I love your jacket”, Amy added, returning the compliment as Hannah took another
drag on her cigarette, opening her mouth slightly to inhale the smoke.
“Oh really?”, Hannah replied, the phrase slightly muffled by the smoke in her lungs.
She paused to exhale another long, thin stream into the sky before smiling broadly
and adding, “I only got it last week, it’s the most expensive thing I’ve ever bought
but I wanted to reward myself for getting this job and moving to London!
“It’s a bit of a silly reason but I’ve always wanted an All Saints leather jacket and
could never afford one. I still probably can’t but I put it on the credit card and here
we are.”
“I’ve got an All Saints jacket at home, I absolutely love it”, said Amy. “I manged to
find one in an outlet one day and got a massive discount!” To emphasise her
delight at remembering the cheap purchase, she put both her hands above her
head and shook her hips, doing a little dance of joy, before lowering her cigarette
and taking another drag.
“Oh amazing, I’m so jealous!”, Hannah said, smiling broadly at her friend’s dance.
“All Saints jackets are the best, the leather is just so soft.” She emphasised the
point by stroking her arm with her non cigarette hand, something she’d been doing
an awful lot over the last week, revelling in the happiness her big purchase gave
her.
“Yeah, totally”, Amy agreed. “I’ve always loved leather jackets but only got fake
ones before. They’re still great but getting the real thing was a total game changer.
I’ve got another couple in the wardrobe as well, but they’re from vintage stores so
the leather’s a bit tougher. The All Saints one is so beautiful and soft, and it’s really
retained its quality, especially given that I wear it all the bloody time!”
The conversation continued to flow, the two young women bonding over their
shared love of fashion, Hannah’s newfound status as a Londoner and, of course,
their cigarettes. They found that conversation was slightly easier outside because
it was a lot quieter than the busy pub, so often found themselves outside, a small
part of their brains justifying the regular cigarettes because of the need to not raise
their voices.
At 10.30, the pair had both drunk at least a bottle of wine and were stood outside
preparing to smoke again.
“Crikey!”, exclaimed a quite drunk Amy, “I’ve only got four cigarettes left in the
pack. I think I had sixteen at the start of the night, that means we’ve smoked six
each already, that’s loads for me!”
That didn’t stop her fishing two more out of the packet, handing one to her friend
and reaching for her pink lighter though.
“Blimey”, Hannah replied after taking a long first drag of her latest Marlboro. “I
didn’t expect to be smoking tonight at all, so seven is quite a lot!”
“They’re fucking great though, aren’t they?”, said Amy, revelling in her emphatic
swear word before pausing to take a theatrically long drag and dramatically
emphasising a much deeper inhale than she would normally make, tapping her
chest before fixing her friend’s eyes and smiling brightly whilst lifting her head and
exhaling the smoke out into the city.
Hannah laughed out loud before copying Amy’s long drag, deep inhale and
theatrical exhale and replied, her voice lowered for emphasis, “they really fucking
are!”
The two fell about giggling, steadying each other slightly as they wobbled a little on
their high heels.
After smoking their seventh cigarettes right down the filter, the pair went back into
the pub where the night was beginning to come to and end. After another ten
minutes inside, Lizzy announced she was leaving and, realising they had probably
both had enough wine for the evening, Hannah and Amy decided to join her.
Outside, Lizzy turned left towards her tube station and Hannah and Amy, who lived
relatively near to each other on the same tube line, turned right to head towards
their stop.
After walking for thirty seconds, Amy turned to look her friend, a mischievous glint
in her eye. She reached into her bag and pulled out the pack of Marlboro Gold,
that now only contained the final two two cigarettes.
“One for the road?”, she asked whilst smiling broadly and shaking the packet
towards Hannah.
“Oh, go on then!”, said Hannah, faking that Amy was forcing her to smoke against
her will before accepting the offered cigarette, taking the lighter and lighting herself
up.
A couple of minutes later they had reached their stop but still had at least half a
cigarette left each and so were in no rush to go down the stairs into the station just
yet.
“I’m going to have to be careful this doesn’t become a habit”, said Hannah, waving
her cigarette warily in her friend’s direction.
“Yeah, me too”, said Amy, taking another drag. “I just love smoking when I have a
drink, what can I say! Cigarettes and wine go together like a burger and chips or
coffee and cake.”
“They are a really good pair, aren’t they?”, replied Hannah. “I’ll just have to try to
show discipline and make sure I only smoke when I drink.
“It’s been quite easy for the last few months because I’ve been living at home and
my parents don’t know that I smoke. My baby sister is a proper smoker and they
gave her a really hard time when she came back from uni one Christmas and had
to go outside in the garden for a cigarette a few times every day.
“They think I’m the sensible one that’s a good influence on her, so they’d be
mortified if they ever found out.” She took a long drag for good measure and
meekly shrugged her shoulders, causing her leather jacket to bunch slightly
around the bottom of her neck.
“My Mum is a smoker, so there wasn’t really anything she could say when she
found out”, said Amy, who came from a pretty different background to Hannah at
the other end of the country.
“When I was about 17, she saw me smoking outside the rugby club when she
came out for one herself. I remember quickly dropping it and pretending that
nothing was happening, but she’d already spotted me and gave me a bit of a
dressing down in front of my mates, which was quite embarrassing.
“Later on that night though, she apologised and just said that was a bit
disappointed but it was up to me and if I was going to smoke, that we might as well
do it together. We went outside and smoked one together and she’s kind of been
OK ever since.
“I think she thought I was going to end up smoking 20 a day like her, so she was
secretly a bit pleased that I only really smoke when I’m out. We always go out into
the garden after Christmas lunch and have a cigarette together though, that’s an
oddly nice tradition. My Dad hates it but there’s nothing he can do about it.
“I reckon my little sister is smoking a bit too, but she’s always denied it and I’ve
never actually seen her. You just know sometimes don’t you? Especially when it’s
family.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean”, said Hannah, taking the last drag of her cigarette
and enjoying the warmth she felt on her lips in the cold night. She dropped the filter
on the floor, ensured it was properly extinguished with the toe of her show and
blew one final tight exhale out into the night.
Amy did the same thing, carefully crushing her cigarette on the floor before
heading down the stairs.
Ten minutes later, the tube had reached Amy’s stop and the new friends stood to
hug each other goodbye. Amy’s thoughts briefly turned to their earlier conversation
about the softness of All Saints leather jackets as she pressed her hands into
Hannah’s back.
“Thanks for a great night mate, I feel really welcomed”, said Hannah, emotionally.
“And thanks so much for the cigarettes too, I’ll buy you a pack back tomorrow!”
“Oh, don’t worry at all, it was nice to have someone to smoke with!”, laughed Amy,
“I’ve never had that at work dos before!”
Hannah smiled broadly as she watched her friend totter off home. London was
going to be all right.
Hannah’s Story – Pt 2
“So how did you start in the first place?”, asked Amy.
“It’s an odd story”, Hannah replied. “I’ve started multiple different times in my life
and have probably been smoking on and off for five or six years now, but this is the
first time I would ever have actually described myself as a smoker.”
It was just gone 3pm on a Tuesday afternoon in mid-October and Hannah and Amy
were stood round the back of the small office of their fashion PR company in Soho,
Marlboro Gold in hand. Creatures of habit, it was where they could be found at that
time on every working day.
Hannah was dressed similarly to how she had been nine months earlier when the
two had first bonded at a staff drinks night, wearing the All Saints leather jacket
that had become something of her trademark since she had moved to London
earlier in the year. Today, with an autumn chill in the air she had paired it with a
fluffy black wooly jumper, a long red and black silk skirt and some black Doc
Marten boots, tied up around her ankles.
“What do you mean?” replied Amy, understandably confused by Hannah’s unclear
answer.
“Well, I first tried it when I was 17”, her friend continued. “I remember it really well
because it didn’t really happen how people usually say. My friend Emma had an
older sister and was always a bit more mature than us. She had started smoking a
bit at parties a year earlier, and started to bring them into school most days, but it
hadn’t really interested me that much because I had a boyfriend who played sport
and was always quite damning of anybody who smoked. There were a couple of
times I might have tried it, but I didn’t want to disappoint him.
“God, that sounds awful looking back on it now!”, she said, exhaling a long plume
of smoke. “What a subservient little teenager I was, Jesus!
“Quite a few of my mates tried it with her but none of them took it up properly and
only had one if they were really drunk. I remember a few of them trying it for the
first time and having massive coughing fits that seemed to last for hours, so it
didn’t really appeal!
“But then I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. I literally walked around a corner
in town, and he was there properly snogging this girl from another school against
the wall. I remember seeing it and just immediately screaming at him, turning
around and running off crying, it was crazy. A very dramatic teenage reaction!
“I didn’t really know where I was going but Emma lived quite nearby so I kind of
instinctively ran to her place and luckily enough she was at home. I remember
going up to her room and told her what had happened. She was all for going out
and finding them, but I managed to talk her down. Anyway, she was stressed at
what had happened to me so lit up a cigarette and started smoking out her
bedroom window.
“I don’t really know what caused me to do it, but I just asked her for a drag. I
remember her turning around really shocked and asking if I was sure. I said I was,
probably just because my boyfriend had hated it so much and it was a way I could
try and get back at him.
“Anyway, I took a drag and just blew straight out. I expected to really hate the
taste, but I was surprised that I didn’t really. Emma then trained me as to how you
do it properly, kind of like that lush scene in Skins with Effy and her mate. She
warned me that that was what usually gave people the coughing fit!
“So, I took another drag and breathed it in like she showed me, and it just went
down really easily. I held it in there for a few seconds and then just blew it out
again. I immediately thought it just felt quite nice inside me and looked really cool
coming out my mouth and so I just did it again.
“Emma was really shocked and said I was a total natural. It was such a weird time
that I suddenly felt really proud! I suppose I was feeling pretty shit about myself
because my wanker boyfriend had cheated on me, so to be able to do something
quite adult and rebellious – and actually be good at it! – was kind of cool!
“I remember suddenly getting pretty dizzy and having to sit down but Emma told
me that went away in time. We then decided to go out, which is probably what
really did for me.
“Got some cheap wine from the shop where Emma got more cigarettes and went
up to the park where we used to sit around. I probably had another four or five that
night and for the rest of the year I started buying a few packs to smoke when I
went to parties or when we were in the park. Hid them in my underwear drawer like
a classic teenager and never got caught!
“I only really smoked when I was drinking except one time, I had one of Emma’s at
school after I’d messed up some test or other and was really stressed. I remember
it really calmed me down, but I was so paranoid I would get caught and then the
school would tell my parents that I didn’t ever do it again. I think I was the only
prefect that smoked in my year!”
“Of course you were a prefect!”, laughed Amy, who was enjoying the story very
much.
“Anyway, I left school and went straight to university. I remember thinking that it
was a bit silly that I’d started smoking and that it was good chance to stop when I
went up there. No one up there had ever known me as someone who smoked, so
it was a good chance to carve out a new identity and leave it behind me.
“I was out one night with my new hall mates during Freshers Week, and I noticed
this girl Frankie, who lived in the room next door to me, sneak away from the pub
we were in and go outside. She’d had a tricky few days adjusting to being at
university, so I followed her outside to check she was OK. I thought she’d just be
outside taking a minute but was surprised to see that she was walking down the
road.
“I ran after her and could immediately tell she was mortified that I was there. It
turned out that she wasn’t actually upset on that occasion, what was actually going
on was that she’d been trying to the same thing that I was but had cracked and
was walking to the shop to buy some cigarettes.
“I still wanted to quit but, to make her feel better about herself, told her my story
and said that I was trying to do the same thing. It definitely brightened her up and
we went off to buy the cigarettes. I was a bit pissed and remember making a dumb
deal with myself that if Frankie didn’t buy ‘my brand’ (Marlboro Golds) then I would
keep to my word and not smoke. How different my life could be if she was a
menthols girl!
“She walked up to the counter, I remember like it was yesterday, and asked the
guy for 20 Marlboro Golds and a lighter! My heart kind of sunk and lifted all at the
same time, it was a weird emotion! Anyway, we went outside and started walking
back to the pub.
“She was very good not to offer me one and try to persuade me, but I was too far
gone and asked her for one. She actually said no because she didn’t want to drag
me down to her level, but I pleaded and she gave in! We smoked one together on
the way back to the pub and then admitted our shameful secret when we went
back inside.
“After that, we became quite close mates, lived together for the rest of uni, and
would split a pack to smoke together on most nights out. Some of our other
housemates started a bit when they were really drunk, and I kept on smoking with
Emma whenever I was in the pub back at home. By our third year it was a bit of
thing.
“During our finals, Frankie and I had a conversation and agreed that we wouldn’t
judge each other if we started smoking a bit more to deal with the stress. We had a
little garden in our house by that point and that conversation kind of gave us both
the green light to properly use smoking to help deal with all the worry.
“That was definitely the most I ever smoked, probably ten a day at some points.
We would always have one together as soon as we got out of the exam as well,
that felt amazing!
“Anyway, we finished university and went our separate ways. She moved up to
Edinburgh to work for a publisher and I’m down here. We smoked together on our
final night out and agreed to quit after that.
“Actually, what really happened is that we had a few cigarettes left in the pack in
my bag, so we smoked one last one together in the garden the following afternoon,
before ceremoniously stubbing them out and saying that that was the end of that.
“Even after that there was one left in the pack and I didn’t want to waste it, so I
took that and smoked by it myself outside Manchester Station before hopping on
my train home. I was ludicrously dramatic, but I quite liked the symbolism.
“I was back at home looking for jobs for three months and hadn’t smoked for a
good couple of months when my sister came back from university. We went on a
few nights out where I cracked and had a few then I really indulged after I got this
job and we went on a kind of ‘farewell’ night.
“But when I came to London I remember moving into the flat and going out for a
bottle of wine on my first evening. I took it to the counter and saw the tobacco sign
and consciously thought that I wasn’t going to buy any and that was that. I would
be living in London as a non smoker.”
“Wow, that’s actually a really great story!”, said Amy, who had been entranced by
the whole thing. “Is it my fault you’re smoking again now then? You’d quit and I got
you started again?!”
“No!!”, screamed Hannah, trying to reassure her friend, “it’s totally my decision!”
“But I offered you one on that night out where we met!”, Amy protested.
“You absolutely did not!”, Hannah corrected her. “I said it was fine for you to go
outside and smoke, but you had to give me one!”
“You did, didn’t you?!”, laughed Amy, “OK, that makes me feel a lot better! So, how
much are you smoking now? I reckon I’m averaging ten a day now, which is quite a
lot I reckon.”
“Well, my first ones in London were on that team drinks where we met”, she
continued. “And then the following morning I went to the shop to buy you a pack to
say thanks for all the ones I bummed off you the night before.
“I gave that to you and then, on the way home, I stopped at the same shop and
thought I’d buy myself an ‘emergency’ pack that I could keep at the flat for
whatever stupid reason that I might want one. That was obviously a dumb thing to
do because I smoked a couple of the balcony that evening, and it was the start of a
slippery slope!
“Since then, I’ve developed quite a tight routine”, said Hannah, who prided herself
on having relatively good discipline. She still went to the gym three or four times a
week, ran on the weekend, ate very healthily and didn’t ever drink in her flat by
herself (well, maybe occasionally).
“I have a quite a set rhythm around smoking now”, she admitted. “I have one on
my way from the flat to the tube in the morning with my coffee. I then don’t have
any in the morning at work.” Amy knew this to be true because her morning
cigarette break was always quite a lonely affair compared to the 3pm one.
“I’ll then always have one after I’ve had my lunch”, continued Hannah, “a cigarette
after a meal is always excellent. I’ll then crack on with work before coming up to
grab you for the sacred 3pm fag break!” She beamed at her colleague, who
returned her smile whilst taking a drag.
“After that, I’ll have another one on the way from the tube to my flat and then
probably one on my little balcony after I’ve had my dinner.
“How many is that a day?”, she asked, whilst counting back on her fingers.
“Morning, lunchtime, 3pm, after work, evening. Yeah, about five a day I reckon,
that sounds about right. Obviously when I’m out then the rules are a bit different.
“Well,”, she continued whilst giving Amy a slightly sheepish grin, “there aren’t really
any rules when I’m out. I can definitely get through the better end of a full pack on
a really big one.
“The other thing I do now is smoke on a hangover, which is pretty bad”, she
admitted. “I never did that at university but when I wake up feeling rough, after a
few hours of moping around I usually head out for a walk in the park where I buy a
coffee and smoke a cigarette. I was kind of disgusted with myself the first time I did
that but did make me feel better, so I guess I created another habit there.”
“I’m kind of similar to you”, replied Amy, “but I always have another one between
the tube and work in the morning, another one during my morning break, one on
the way to the tube in the evening and then one as the first thing I do when I get
back to the flat.
“That’s probably what’s getting me up to ten. Maybe I’ll try and cut back and copy
your routine?”
“Give it a go”, said Hannah, “it works for me!”
“Are you going to think about quitting at Christmas or anything”, asked Amy, who
had had thoughts that she might give it a go but wanted to get support from her
main smoking mate before committing to anything rash.
“I don’t think so”, replied Hannah, quite quickly whilst shrugging. “I’m happy with
the rest of my lifestyle and I really enjoy every cigarette I smoke. If I can keep up
my current routine and stick to five a day, then I’m happy to carry on for now. Also,
that way it only costs about £25 a week, which is pretty affordable on what I’m on
at the moment. If I let myself smoke more, I’d probably struggle to justify it
financially.”
“What’s it like when you go home for the weekend?”, asked Amy, conscious that
Hannah still hadn’t told her Mum and Dad that she smoked.
“It’s pretty tricky at times actually”, she giggled. “When I was at university it was OK
because I smoked a bit when I was out with Emma and the girls and then when
Becky came out as a smoker that Christmas, I could always nick a drag or two off
her when Mum wasn’t looking.
“Now though, when I’m home by myself I’ve got nowhere to go. Becky isn’t around,
Emma lives up here now and there’s no one I know at all who smokes. I’ve
basically got to go cold turkey and spend the weekend looking forward to that
moment when I get outside Waterloo Station on Sunday evening and have my first
cigarette since Friday afternoon, before I get on the tube.”
“I bet that’s an absolutely glorious moment”, said Amy, laughing.
“Oh my god, yes!”, agreed Hannah. “It’s almost worth the pain of not being able to
smoke all weekend just so I can have that ultimate moment of pleasure!”
She took one final drag on her Marlboro before dropping it on the floor and
crushing it out with her DMs. She then leant over, picked up the butt and carried it
over to the ashtray on the wall, Amy following suit.
“Cheers Ames, same again tomorrow?!” she joked as they re-entered the office.
“Yes mate!”, came the quick reply.
Hannah’s Story – Part 3
As she got used to life in the capital city, Hannah made new friends quickly and
easily. Initially this was through work, her bond with Amy proving particularly
strong, partially through their daily cigarette breaks round the back of the office.
However, she’d also pursued some of her other interests and now had social
circles revolving around a netball game she played on Thursday evenings, she’d
met some other friends through a regular run that she did a couple of times a week
in a local park, and she’d also reconnected with some old university friends that
she was becoming closer and closer to.
Other than her university friends, who were obviously aware that Hannah had been
a ‘social’ smoker at university, none of her other new friends had been aware she
smoked, and Hannah had created some uncomfortable moments for herself by
trying to prevent them finding out.
After the first couple of netball games, she had accepted an invitation to the pub
afterwards and had immediately felt the pang for a cigarette after starting her glass
of wine. She was hoping that someone else would take out a cigarette and she
could follow. However, no one did, and she suddenly became too self-conscious to
do so herself.
She appreciated that she was a powerful adult woman who could do what she
liked and that her fears were ridiculous but, for whatever reason, she was
uncomfortable with her new friends learning about her old habit.
Having accepted a second glass of wine, the impulse for a cigarette was growing
stronger and stronger, not helped by the fact she knew she had bought a brand
new pack of Marlboro Golds just that morning and they were sat there in the
handbag that hanging off the side off her chair. The thought that she could be
outside and smoking in less than thirty seconds lodged in her head and distracted
her from taking a full part in the analysis of the game that was taking place in front
of her.
After turning down a third glass on the basis of ‘a big day at work’ in the morning
(she knew that was a bare faced lie), she left the pub, pulling her leather jacket
over the top of her netball gear and saying her farewells. The tube station was
almost directly outside the pub where she had been and for a few seconds she
considered talking a walk around the block to have a cigarette but rejected it on the
basis that it would have created a very awkward situation indeed had she
accidentally bumped into someone from her team.
She jumped on the tube and headed for home, grabbing a seat on the train and
realising that she was consciously sitting up far straighter than she normally would
and was gently drumming her feet on the floor of the carriage.
The 20-minute tube ride seemed to crawl by, and she instinctively put her hands
into the pockets of her leather jacket and gently clenched her fists, sighing deeply.
It took her a few seconds to realise what she had done, and it initially felt shameful
to her, as she realised that the tension that was running through her body was
simply due to her need for a cigarette.
She had always prided herself on being able to smoke pretty regularly, enjoy every
cigarette she smoked and never ‘need’ to smoke at any given time. If someone
had asked whether she was addicted to smoking, she would quickly and
confidently have replied that she absolutely wasn’t, it was just a habit that she
enjoyed but could stop at any time, should she choose to.
Her behaviour at the bar – uncharacteristically ending a social occasion early –
and then on the tube had made her realise that, on some levels, she probably was
now addicted to smoking, and that might be a bit of a problem. Not one she
couldn’t deal with but still, something that she probably shouldn’t have let get to
this point.
She was snapped out of her thought process when the tube arrived at her stop.
She quickly got up and walked towards the escalators to leave, again realising that
she was probably walking a little faster than she normally would.
Going up the escalators she fished in her handbag for her phone to get her
through the barrier at the other end. Whilst she did it, she also took her cigarettes
out of the bag and put them in the pocket of her jacket for easy access when she
got to the street.
Emerging out into the road, Hannah immediately set off for home, putting her hand
into her pocket and quickly removing her cigarettes. She put one between her lips
and lit up, subconsciously inhaling far harder than she normally would have done
and revelling in the moment the smoke hit her lungs. Hannah could still taste the
wine from earlier, the feel of the alcohol blending masterfully with the tobacco to
seriously heighten the sense of enjoyment she felt throughout her body.
She continued to walk home, regularly enjoying drags on her cigarette and
beginning to relax as the nicotine started to flow around her body and quell the
craving that had overtaken her on the tube. She took one final drag, extinguishing
it on the pavement before politely picking up the spent filter and popping into a
nearby bin.
When she got back to the flat, she fixed herself some pasta for dinner and sat
there reflecting on the experience of the last half hour. She had definitely felt a
physical urge to smoke a cigarette, something much stronger than any she had
encountered before. She was aware that this meant her habit had probably
reached a new level and she needed to work out what to do about it.
It was then that she decided to consciously put in her smoking routine. She made
a plan in her head that she would smoke one on the way to the tube in the morning
– that cigarette was her favourite in the day, a massive and much anticipated part
of her routine and always went incredibly with well the coffee she treated herself to
from the neighbourhood coffee stand.
She would then not allow herself one until after lunch, deciding to smoke one on
the way back to the office after having eaten whatever she had picked up from
Soho. Then she’d continued her 3pm tradition with Amy, something she really
valued as the two built their friendship.
Hannah counted three on her fingers. She had thought that five a day would be a
good amount to stick to and so had two times to allocate. She decided that having
a cigarette on the way back from the tube to her flat would help her relax into the
evening.
That left her one more, which she could have at any time of the day but, ideally,
she’d save until after her dinner, smoking it alone on her small balcony before
getting ready for bed. However, if she’d cracked and had an extra one at any time
earlier in the day, then she would deny herself her evening cigarette as an act of
penance for her impulsiveness.
She also decided to up her level of physical activity, googling a local running club
that met in the local park most evenings and making a vow to attend at least twice
a week. Combined with her age, her regular netball, her good diet and the amount
of walking she did, how bad could five cigarettes a day really be? Especially when
they felt so good.
Hannah was aware that after a few drinks she was unlikely to be so resolute in
sticking to her plan but was OK with that because it wouldn’t happen that often and
she’d deal with those situations when they arose. Before ending her thought
process, she counted back the cigarettes she had smoked that day and got to five,
including the one on the way back from netball.
Therefore, as she had vowed, she would not allow herself to go outside and smoke
one before bed. Slightly sad that she wouldn’t get to smoke another cigarette that
evening, but internally pleased at this early display of resolve, she busied herself
around the flat before going to sleep.
The following week, she had once again played netball and gone to the pub
afterwards for a glass of wine. Remembering what had happened last week and
her subsequent rationalisation session, she resolved to be more mature about it
this time.
After the first glass, she was fully aware that the craving would come – even
though she’d already smoked her four cigarettes so far that day. When it
happened, she slightly sheepishly reached for her bag, took out the pack and her
lighter and put them on the table in front of her.
She might as well have actually lit one inside the pub for the amount of
consternation it caused. “Hannah!!”, shouted a girl called Emily who had been on
her team that night, “you smoke?! I can’t believe it!”
Hannah sheepishly smiled and nodded, standing up, picking up the pack and her
lighter and putting on her leather jacket to go outside.
“I’m so surprised!”, added Chrissie, “you really don’t look like a smoker Hannah!”
Hannah didn’t really know how to respond to that so gave Chrissie a kind smile as
she tucked her chair under the table and headed for the pub garden, cigarettes in
hand.
In the five minutes it took Hannah to smoke a cigarette, during which time she had
met a delightful girl called Grace – a fellow lone smoker – and bonded over their
friends’ disapproval, her netball pals had conducted a conversation about what
indeed a smoker looks like and realised that it’s actually quite a difficult thing to put
your finger on.
As Hannah removed her leather jacket and resumed her place at the table, Emily
leant over, exaggeratedly making a sad face and saying, “Sorry Hannah, that was
really out of order of me, I shouldn’t judge you for smoking, that’s totally your
decision and it’s not up to us to say anything about it.”
“Thanks mate”, replied Hannah, “I really appreciate that. I totally accept that it’s not
good for me, but I smoked a little bit at school and uni and have kind of got into a
habit now I live here. It’s not something I’m particularly proud of or want to continue
long into my life, but I really enjoy it for now.”
Emily nodded sympathetically and Chrissie leant over to squeeze Hannah’s leg by
way of further apology before quickly changing the subject into how much she
loved Hannah’s leather jacket. A recent piece of work had made her something of
an expert on the different styles of leather jackets, so she happily leaned into the
new conversation, providing advice to multiple team mates on their upcoming
purchases.
The following afternoon she was stood outside smoking with Amy and recounted
the reaction of her team mates to her ‘coming out’ as a smoker. Amy agreed that
the initial response was a little out of order and was pleased that her friends
apologised afterwards.
“I get that occasionally too”, she said. “A guy from Tinder once said that to me
when we met up actually.
“I’ve no bloody idea what ‘looking like a smoker’ means but apparently, I don’t look
like one. It’s not like I specifically choose to not have photos of me with a cigarette
on my profile! Anyway, halfway through the date, I went outside for a smoke and
when I got back, he just said that smoking was a deal breaker for him, and we
might as well go home!
“I’ve never been more grateful in my life to be a smoker, because it totally saved
me wasting any more time with him!
“People are so judgey about it but to my mind smoking is no worse than eating fast
food all the time or drinking a bottle of wine every night. I’ve got things under good
control so what business is it of yours to judge me for a few cigarettes every day?”
“Couldn’t have put it better myself”, said Hannah, pausing to empty her lungs of
her latest drag and holding her cigarette up to her friend in a kind of jokey salute,
“cheers to being a smoker!”
Hannah’s Story – Part 4
Whilst she definitely wouldn’t consider herself ‘in a relationship’, there had been a
few boys around the place over the course of Hannah’s first year in London.
Although she was modest about her looks, Hannah had never really had that much
trouble attracting attention over the course of her life and that had continued in her
new life.
A quick early foray onto dating apps had produced a few free dinners but she didn’t
like any of them enough to go home with them and found the whole process a bit
weird. There was a gorgeous boy in the office, who she enjoyed playful flirting with
around the coffee machine, but much as she would have liked to get to him a lot
better, she decided to keep her work life balance in check for now.
Hannah had therefore been grateful when, in mid-November, one her old uni
mates had told her that Ben, a boy she had been with on and off through
university, was coming down to stay for the weekend.
They had never considered each other boyfriend and girlfriend but there was an
unspoken understanding throughout their second and third years that, living only
five minutes’ walk apart, they were open to late night texts and frequently shared a
cab home after a night out, with Hannah often opting to use Ben’s bed instead of
her own.
The two had fallen out of touch since she moved to London, but they still followed
each other on Instagram and he didn’t seem to be in a serious relationship and
occasionally sent jokey responses to her stories, laughing about much things cost
down south.
She decided that whilst she certainly wouldn’t go out of her way to have a ‘reunion’
in London, if the offer presented itself then it might help her itch a bit of scratch that
she was conscious of. It had been a while after all.
She’d met her friends for dinner on Friday night, with Ben coming out for drinks
after his train from Manchester had arrived. A long hug when they first saw each
other was followed by little Friday night flirting, which started with Ben berating her
for her continued smoking (something he had done frequently at university, and
she actually found quite endearing). He had then messaged her on Saturday
morning to ensure she was coming out on the Saturday night. She was.
The group met in a pub near Hannah’s flat for drinks, with a vague plan to head
out to a club afterwards. Hannah got there early and was pleased to see Ben
detach himself from his group of male mates to squeeze in next to her. They had a
great evening, quietly playing footsie under the table before ‘going to the toilet’ at
the same time and having a good snog in a quiet street around the back of the
pub.
After heading for the club, Hannah’s phoned had pinged with a message from Ben
suggesting they head back to her flat and Hannah had quickly agreed. After a
tense fifteen-minute Uber ride, when Hannah’s innate English politeness forbade
her from attacking him in the back of the car like she wanted to, they had run
upstairs to her flat where they had torn each other’s clothes off before engaging in
a vigorous evening together that certainly ‘itched her scratch’.
Following their two years of casual sex, they knew each other’s bodies intimately
and Hannah particularly enjoyed the moment when Ben put his finger somewhere
that only he knew about. He was literally the only person she had told about that
particular predilection and was very grateful indeed that he hadn’t forgotten.
Both had woken up to a series of progressively excited WhatsApp messages from
their friends as to what had become of them and then enjoyed a lazy morning in
Hannah’s flat where it had been decided that both parties were very happy to keep
arrangements casual and that, at some stage, Hannah and her mates might make
a return trip to Manchester to see Ben where Hannah certainly wouldn’t say no to
another ‘reunion’.
This suited Hannah down to the ground. She had no interest in getting attached
but it was good to know that she was wanted, and they’d actually had a pretty
good time on a drunken video call a couple of weekends afterwards, when Hannah
was once again grateful for the privacy she had earned by choosing to live in a flat
by herself.
After the video call had concluded, Hannah was lying on her bed by herself,
savouring the wonderful tingly feeling that only a really good orgasm can generate.
It was 12.30am, pitch black and cold outside but a thought crossed her mind.
She had long been aware of the concept of a post coital cigarette but had never
actually indulged in one. When she’d had sex at university it was largely with Ben,
at his place. As he didn’t like her smoking, she would certainly not have done it in
his room, so that was out. On the other occasions she’d had sex in Manchester, it
was in the first year when she wasn’t smoking that much – even on nights out –
the boys she’d been with weren’t smokers and it hadn’t ever really occurred to her
that it would be something to do.
After she lost her virginity, to a boy she had been seeing in the sixth form at
school, she remembered thinking about how adult it would have felt to lie back and
have a cigarette afterwards like you see in the films but seeing as she’d done it in
her childhood bedroom and her parents had no idea she was experimenting with
smoking, it was completely out of the question.
Now she was alone in her own flat, lying on her bed with her little balcony easily
accessible, just a few steps away. She slowly pulled herself off the bed, vowing to
see what the fuss was all about.
She pulled on a pair of black trousers that were on the back of a chair nearby and
a pair of zip up black leather high heeled ankle boots. She then grabbed her
leather jacket from the back of the bedroom door, where she had hung it after
coming in from the pub a few hours ago, zipping it up to protect her modesty and
keep her warm.
As she thought, a half-finished packet of Marlboro Gold and a lighter were in the
pocket of the leather jacket, and she felt buzzed and anticipatory as she quietly
opened the doors and sat down at her little table.
She took the cigarettes out her pocket and placed them on the table, slowly
opening the pack, removing one and inspecting it, silently marvelling in how
‘perfect’ cigarettes always looked. She placed it in her mouth, gently sucking on
the filter and enjoying the sweet taste of unlit tobacco. She went back into her
leather jacket for her lighter and lit herself up, expertly cupping the flame to protect
it from the December conditions.
Still slightly drunk from the wine she had enjoyed earlier that evening and definitely
tingly from her self-generated orgasm that had happened no more than five
minutes ago, Hannah dragged hard on her cigarette. She could feel her cheeks
cave in much more so than when she smoked during the day.
Hannah held the smoke her in mouth for a minute before consciously inhaling it
into her lungs, slightly surprising herself that she could actually hear her sharp
intake of breath and then a little pop as the smoke reached its destination.
The smoke felt absolutely, completely and totally wonderful inside her. She held
her cigarette in her right hand at head height, resting her elbow on the arm of her
chair.
Her left hand initially was initially placed on the collar of her black leather jacket,
slowly rubbing the butter soft leather as she was prone to do, before she quickly
decided that there was no one around and therefore it could be put down her
trousers, eventually coming to rest a little above her clitoris.
She definitely wasn’t going to start masturbating again but she really enjoyed the
wet warmth she found – and putting her hand there certainly enhanced the
incredible pleasure she was already feeling. If only she’d known it felt this good
before, she might have coped with smoking in his bedroom all those years!
After holding the smoke inside her for a good four or five seconds, Hannah slowly
turned her chin towards the dark skies and gently started exhaling a tight stream.
She had always thought that blowing smoke looked cool, but this was something
else. She could see her plumes of grey smoke slowly floating away into the night
sky – and felt immensely turned on when she thought that that smoke had only just
been deep inside her.
Her exhale was so slow and measured it took at least another five seconds, by
which time Hannah was more than ready for another drag. If anything, she pulled
even harder on the filter second time around, enjoying the gentle crackle she could
hear as the tip of her cigarette glowed bright red and the tobacco burned between
her fingers.
Once again, she deliberately held the smoke in her mouth for two or three
seconds, savouring the taste of the cigarette before again consciously inhaling the
smoke deep inside her and allowing it to rest at the bottom of her lungs, continuing
to very gently massage herself with her left hand.
Her smoke was again, almost reluctantly, exhaled into the night sky – her lips
whistling slightly as she controlled the style and direction of the exhale, purely for
her own benefit. Although she felt totally still, her thoughts were racing. She
replayed the video call in her mind and then, with a little shudder of pleasure and a
shy smile, the moment last month when Ben had put his finger where she had told
him she liked it.
She moved her right arm down and consciously ashed her cigarette into an empty
plant pot. Always someone that had always taken pride in things looking ‘nice’,
Hannah realised the fact that her Marlboro Gold was so perfectly cylindrical and
white –really added to her experience and she wanted to keep it looking neat.
As she removed the cigarette from her mouth after her third drag, she noticed that
the lipstick she had applied for the video call had slightly stained her filter. The
discolouration made her feel excited and naughty for having applied the lipstick in
the first place and continued to add to her almost overwhelming sexual experience.
Hannah continued to smoke her cigarette right down to the filter, really wanting to
extract every drop of pleasure from the experience. By the end she actually felt
quite dizzy, almost like she’d smoked her first cigarette for some time, something
she hadn’t felt from nicotine since she’d had that first night out with Amy when
she’d moved to London.
She dropped the filter on the floor and crushed it out with the toe of her leather
boot and then, not even close to being done, immediately took another cigarette
out of the pack and lit it in the same way as the first. Hannah continued to smoke
very deliberately, dragging hard, inhaling deeply, holding the smoke in her lungs for
some time and then exhaling elegantly.
When the second cigarette was done, she dropped the filter onto the ground,
crushed it out and sat back in her chair, emptying her lungs for the final time and
then continuing to blow tiny jets of smoke out her nose and mouth for at least
another 15 seconds.
After taking a deep breath and having to seriously steady herself on the table,
Hannah opened the door and gently walked though into her bedroom, careful to
mind her step on the small ridge. She gratefully collapsed onto the bed,
uncharacteristically keeping her boots on as she lay on the clean sheets.
Looking to her right, she realised her phone was sitting there on her bedside table.
It was now 12.45am, but she had an idea. She unlocked the device and scrolled to
camera mode, quietly clicking on her bedside light at the same time.
Sitting up slightly in bed, she turned the phone to selfie mode, pulled her trousers
down so they rested half-way down her thighs and then half unzipped her leather
jacket, so her left nipple was clearly visible. A naturally conservative person,
Hannah had never done this before, but she had never felt as adult and turned on
as she did right now.
She took the selfie, and quickly examined her work. She was nervous with what
she might have seen but was absolutely delighted with the result. Her black leather
jacket looked soft and classy, but also sexy and alluring, especially as you could
see the gentle curves of her breasts and her nipple directly beneath it. Her classy
little pants covered her modesty but made it clear what the subtext of the picture
was.
Hannah’s dark blonde hair sat nicely on her shoulders, with her wide brown eyes
giving a look that absolutely could not be misinterpreted by anyone lucky enough
to receive the picture. In case they did, her gently pouted lips gave absolutely no
doubt as to what she was after.
She opened WhatsApp and quickly sent the picture to Ben, wanting to do the dirty
deed before her better angels persuaded her otherwise. The caption was simple
and to the point, ‘I’m still up. Hope you are too.’
The response was almost immediate as her phone buzzed with another video call.
Before answering, Hannah reached into the pocket of her leather jacket and
removed her cigarettes and lighter, placing them on the bedside table. She would
be needing them shortly.
Hannah’s Story – Pt 5
It was now December and Christmas was coming. The days were short, the nights
were dark, and London was looking its beautiful twinkly best.
With a week to go before Christmas, Hannah was really looking forward to going
home for the break and had her little sister, Becky, coming up to stay with her for
the weekend to do some Christmas shopping before they travelled home together
to spend the holiday with their parents.
As she travelled into work on Friday morning, she gathered her thoughts about she
was going to need to do between now and heading for home at the end of the
weekend. She had a little project to finish up at work, there was quite a bit of
present buying still to do, she needed to pack for ten days back home, and she
needed to show Becky a good time in London.
The final point triggered another thought in Hannah’s mind. Smoking. She was
very happy with her current situation of smoking five a day, plus the occasional few
more on a night out. However, she was conscious that Becky smoked more than
that and she would have temptation placed in front of her all weekend.
What was probably easiest was just to accept that she was likely to smoke a lot
this weekend. It would be annoying dealing with the cravings that would inevitably
be triggered by her sister’s heavier consumption, so if she just lit up whenever she
wanted, that would make everything easier and more fun. She still probably
wouldn’t smoke as much as Becky, would it would be quite a bit more than she
normally did.
Over the last few months Hannah had completely rationalised her decision to start
smoking ‘properly’ after years of regular social smoking so, as long as she
maintained her disciplined approach again in the New Year, she wouldn’t feel any
guilt about an indulgent few days with her sister.
However, she was also going to have to deal with smoking at home. She had
always been OK not to smoke at home before – but then she had never smoked
as regularly as she did now. Up until six months ago she had never really
considered herself a ‘smoker’, but since moving to London she had accepted that
cigarettes had started to play a greater role in her life and she was indeed now a
smoker, whatever that actually meant.
As far as she was aware, her parents still didn’t know she had ever smoked. She’d
been pretty careful about photos put on her Instagram, which she knew they
followed assiduously. There had been a couple on Stories that she had had to
delete after a night out, but she thought she’d probably got to those before her
parents did.
There were a couple still on the grid where she knew she had a cigarette in her
hand – but she’d hidden it so well behind her friend’s back that it was impossible to
tell when looking at the photo – so they’d be none the wiser from there.
Anyway, Christmas was still a good few days away, that was a problem she could
deal with closer to the time. Maybe she should just tell them and deal with the
consequences? However, having witnessed what happened when Becky tried that
strategy a few years ago, she knew how disappointed her parents would act and it
was a terrifying thought to have to go through that performative disapproval every
time she wanted a cigarette over the whole Christmas break. Anyway she thought,
snapping out of her daydream, something to deal with in a few days’ time.
Hannah was having a good day at work, deciding to join Amy for her 10.30am
cigarette break as a prelude for her sister’s arrival, much to her friend’s surprise
and delight.
“I thought you’d sworn off the morning fag break”, joked Amy, a freshly lit cigarette
in her right hand.
“I have”, protested Hannah, an unlit Marlboro Gold between her fingers and her
lighter poised in her left hand. “It’s just that my sister is coming to town tonight and
I know I’m going to smoke more when she’s around so I thought I’d let myself slip
into early!”
“Well you won’t hear me complaining”, said Amy, blown a cone of smoke into the
cold winter air that looked five times its normal size due to the freezing conditions
before changing the subject to a date she’d been on earlier that week.
“By the way, boss wants to see you after this”, said Amy five minutes later as they
had nearly finished up, winking theatrically at the end to indicate Hannah had
nothing to worry about.
Her eyes popped and her heart skipped several beats. “What do you mean?!” she
whispered to her friend, involuntarily exhaling her penultimate drag through her
nose as she spoke.
“She grabbed me just as I was heading outside and asked if I was going out to
smoke with you”, explained Amy, “when I said yes, she just asked me if I could ask
you to come and see her afterwards.”
Other than not being too mad that her boss was so aware of her and Amy’s smoke
breaks, Hannah was excited about what this might mean – and was aware that
Amy’s exaggerated wink meant it might not be entirely bad news for her.
She was absolutely right. After stubbing out their cigarettes, she headed backed
into the office and knocked on the door of the Chief Executive’s office.
During the ensuing conversation, it became clear that Hannah had had a very
good year at work and that everyone was delighted with her performance. As a
result, they had created a new position for her and would be promoting her as of
the start of the new year.
Also, as a result of a contract that Hannah had worked on, the firm had a better-
than-expected financial performance and they had decided to award all the staff
members a surprise £1,000 bonus.
Finally, as a special thank you, Hannah was awarded the chance to pick an item of
her choice from the firm’s famed rail of sample clothes they had been sent for
shoots – a common little bonus for an employee that had worked particularly hard.
It didn’t take Hannah long to select a Tommy Hilfiger leather jacket from the rail,
with a lovely shearling wool collar. Her choice went down well with her colleagues.
Choosing it made her feel that her year had come full circle. She’d bought an
expensive high street leather jacket as a present to herself for moving to London in
the first place and then worn it on all possible occasions during the year. She had
also worked extensively on a contract for a brand that had a lot of leather jackets in
their collection – and had clearly done so pretty well.
As a wardrobe staple, she figured she could never have too many leather jackets
and Hannah was looking forward to wearing her new one long into the future. It
would always make her think of her amazing first year in London.
Hannah was already excited for her sister’s visit, the Christmas break and the all
the fun that was going to bring. A promotion, a bonus and an amazing new leather
jacket were just a massive cherry on the cake.
After trialling her new jacket at lunchtime whilst treating herself to some posh sushi
and another Marlboro Gold, Hannah finished her project that afternoon, enjoyed
one final cigarette break with Amy and walked out of the office at 5pm, heading
straight to Euston Station to meet her sister’s train.
They had arranged to meet by a fountain outside the station and Hannah
immediately spotted her sister’s trademark ginger hair. Having been obsessed with
Mad Men when she was a teenager, Becky had decided to dye her hair the colour
of Joan Holloway’s and, happy with the results, had never looked back. She had
let it grow long over the past six months and it was now significantly longer than
Hannah’s, her ginger curls sweeping down over her shoulders and towards her
chest.
The two embraced and Hannah could smell that Becky had clearly had a cigarette
whilst waiting to meet her. The aroma combined with her excitement and finalised
her decision to ignore her smoking routine for the next few days.
They got on the tube back to Hannah’s neighbourhood and, as they exited the
station, Becky already had her cigarettes out and was searching for her lighter.
“You’re still smoking a bit, aren’t you?”, she asked, gesturing towards her sister
with her unlit cigarette. Hannah was relatively surprised to see that her sister’s
cigarette was all white, rather than the regular Marlboro filters she was used to.
“Yes!”, she replied, lifting her eyebrows to indicate the shame she felt obliged to
express and reaching into her handbag for her own pack and symbolically handing
her sister her lighter.
“Oh good good!”, Becky replied, pausing to light herself up. “I’m glad we don’t have
to go through our normal routine where you start off pretending you don’t smoke
and then crack after a couple of hours and smoke half my bloody cigarettes!”
“No, I’ve come to terms with it a bit better in the last few months”, said Hannah.
“I’ve made sure to keep myself to five a day but smoke a bit more on nights out.”
“Hannah wow, five a day, that’s loads for you”, said Becky as Hannah lit a Marlboro
Gold. “I’m up to at least 10 now I reckon, although I don’t really keep a count
because it would depress me too much.”
“What’s that you’re smoking anyway?”, asked Hannah, exhaling her first drag and
pointing towards her sisters all white cigarette.
“Oh yeah, I changed brands the other month”, said Becky. “These are Sovereign
Duals. They’re not as nice but they’re about three quid a pack cheaper so it’s worth
it. I quite enjoy a cheeky menthol every once in a while too, always nice to have
the option I suppose!”
“OK, right. Well, I’m still staying loyal to my Marlboro Golds”, Hannah replied.
“They’ve got me through this far so I’m going to stick with them now! Besides, I can
afford to smoke posh cigarettes now, they gave me a bonus and a pay rise this
morning!”
She turned to her sister to make sure she’d heard what she said and was
immediately engulfed in an overenthusiastic hug.
“Oh, Han that’s amazing!”, Becky screamed, using the shortened nickname that
only she was permitted to use with her sister. “I knew you’d be amazing and now
they all know too!”
After dropping Becky’s stuff at the flat and showing off Hannah’s new jacket, the
two sisters headed out to celebrate the promotion, delightedly securing an outside
table right underneath the heater at Hannah’s local pub. After getting such a prime
spot, it was decided to abandon the local pub crawl they had planned and just to
sit tight.
Hannah headed to the bar to buy a decent bottle of wine and Becky sat at their
table, lighting the last cigarette in her pack and leaving the box open in front of her.
Hannah returned from the bar with the drinks and noticed the empty pack.
“Stay here, I’m going to go and buy you a present”, said Hannah, rising from her
seat and heading down the road. She returned two minutes, pulling two packs of
Marlboro Gold out of the deep pockets of her thick winter overcoat.
“Ta da!”, she smiled. “I couldn’t have you smoking those cheap cigarettes when
I’ve just been promoted and have bummed so many off you over the years!!”
“Thanks mate”, said Becky, grinning and genuinely touched by her sister’s
thoughtfulness.
Hannah immediately lit herself a Marlboro Gold from her old pack, exhaling over
her sister’s shoulder and stuffing her new pack back in her pocket.
She was only planning to get her sister a pack but had checked her own supply
whilst waiting in the queue. Although she still had eight cigarettes left, she had a
feeling that that might not be enough for the evening, so she thought she’d get
herself another pack, just in the case. Even if she didn’t open it tonight she’d
definitely need it at some stage tomorrow, she reasoned.
She was glad she did, as Hannah and Becky sat at their table for next three hours,
only leaving when the pub shut at 11pm. In that time, they drank three bottles of
red wine and two Jameson whiskeys, revelling in being back in each other’s
company.
They also practically chain smoked for the three hours. It takes roughly six minutes
to smoke a cigarette and, by the time Hannah giddily got to her feet, she only had
eight left in her new packet.
“Oh my god we’ve smoked so much!”, she laughed towards her sister, making a
teeth bared gesture. “How many have you got left in your pack?”
“None!”, laughed Becky, underlining her point by holding the empty back of
Marlboro Gold upside down.
“WE’VE SMOKED AN ENTIRE PACK EACH!!”, screamed Hannah, lowering her
voice slightly and saying, “I can’t believe we’ve done that; I’ve never done that
before. That’s so many cigarettes!”
“It’s cool, it’s Christmaaaas!”, said Becky, drunkenly. “Anyway, where are we
heading now? Do we have other plans?”
“I’m not sure I can be bothered to go on anywhere”, replied Hannah. “It was so
cosy there and the flat is only five minutes away, shall we just head back to mine?
We can have a nightcap on the balcony?”
“Great idea”, said Becky. “We can sleep this off and then be up for shopping in the
morning. How long was the flat away?”
“About five minutes, why?” said Hannah. “Probably longer when we’re this pissed!”
“Oh, that’s plenty of time”, said Becky, gesturing towards her sister with the second
and third fingers of her right hand spread apart, “give us another cigarette!”
“But we’ve smoked soooooo many”, pleaded Hannah.
“Yeah, so it doesn’t matter if we have a few more!”, reasoned her younger sister.
“You’re absolutely right, of course”, laughed Hannah, opening her bag and
removing the pack of Marlboro Gold and her lighter.
After smoking their 21st cigarette of the evening on the way home, Hannah poured
them two more whiskeys and opened the door to the balcony.
“Shall we go and sit out here?”, she asked. “I really shouldn’t but I feel like another
cigarette.”
“Absolutely”, said Becky, taking her seat on the balcony and reaching her hand
towards her sister’s packet, “I thought you’d never ask!”
“Seriously though, I’ve smoked so much today”, said Hannah, a freshly lit Marlboro
Gold in her hand, “it’s mad! I smoked one on the way to the tube this morning,
another couple at work, one at lunch, one on the way to meet you, one on the way
to the flat and then bloody 20 in the pub! That’s like, hang on..”
Needing both hands to drunkenly count on her fingers, she put her cigarette
between her lips and it bounced up and down as she counted out six fingers, “26!!!
I’ve smoked 26 cigarettes today!!!”
“I’m closer to the thirty”, laughed Becky. “And that’s with a three hour train journey
in the middle, probably just as well!”
“Ohmigod that’s so much”, said Hannah, removing the cigarette from its dangle. “I
can’t start smoking 20 a day, I can’t afford it and I don’t have the bloody time!”
“It’s fine mate, I do this occasionally, it’s just a big night out with someone else who
actually smokes, you don’t need to worry!”, reassured her sister.
“OK, I’ll trust you”, replied Hannah. “I’ve always said that I want to make sure I
enjoy each and every cigarette I smoke and although I’ve smoked so much today, I
think that still stands. It was so lush just sitting there with you drinking wine and
smoking, I totally loved it.”
As if to prove the point, the sisters sat outside Hannah’s bedroom for an hour,
drinking another whiskey each and smoking the remaining four cigarettes in the
pack. When they both simultaneously stubbed out their final cigarette, they
realised it was time for bed and headed back inside.
The following morning, Hannah woke up and was surprised that she wasn’t
horrifically hungover. However, when she sat up in bed, she could seriously feel
her chest and surprised herself by producing quite a guttural cough. It was then
that she remembered how much she had smoked the previous night and made
herself a vow then and there to get a handle on it for the rest of the weekend. That
level of smoking absolutely could not continue if she wanted to be able to go cold
turkey for Christmas to avoid an awkward conversation with her Mum and Dad.
After a long shower, some toast and a strong cup of coffee, the two girls wrapped
up warm and were ready to head into town and do their shopping. They passed
the pub they had been at last night and carried onto to the little shop where
Hannah had bought their cigarettes last night.
“I’m just going to pop in here”, said Amy. “Even though I don’t want one now it
stresses me out having no cigarettes.”
“OK cool”, said Hannah, hatching a plan. “I’ll come in with you.”
With Hannah behind her, Becky walked straight to the counter and asked for a
pack of Sovereign Dual.
“Sorry, not the Sovereigns”, said Hannah to the man behind the counter. “She’ll
have Marlboro Gold.”
Becky turned round with a beaming smile. “Thanks Han!” she smiled, “you’re the
best!”
“I’ll take a pack too”, added Hannah to the shopkeeper, leaning forward with her
phone in hand to pay the £25.
“I’m definitely not smoking this morning, but I think we need to be prepared for how
bloody stressful Oxford Street is going to be”, she laughed, putting her cigarettes in
her bag and leaving the shop.
“Agreed”, said Becky, laughing as they headed towards the station and eagerly
anticipating her day with her big sister.
by Randombrown29