The trunk of the Audi A8 slammed shut and Ray came back into the house to say goodbye. “Hate that I’m having to leave so soon and for so long.” he shrugged with his hands open in a gesture apologizing his business trip was beyond his control. Julia knew though; this was part of what she signed up for when she married him. Ray took his new wife in his arms and held her tightly in true affection. Julia felt safe in his arms and deeply loved him. It would only be a month before he returned and she’d be able to feel it again. They kissed in a way newlyweds do, consuming each other with love and passion. “I love your kisses now; so clean. I’m so proud of you.”
Now? That word hit her wrong and felt mildly insulting; textbook backhanded compliment. It had been 2 months since her last cigarette. The physical addiction was gone and the psychological/emotional/mental habit had waned, supplanted by a new life as the wife of an up-and-coming businessman. Ray demanded she quit. It wasn’t an explicit condition of marriage but it sure felt like it. Though steadfast in his resolve with her, he wasn’t bullying or oppressive; he tried shaming her but that didn’t work. Ray was supportive in a way she didn’t ask for but she relented; at first resisting, then hiding, then finally agreeing to cut down and quitting altogether. She looked past his clumsy, offensive attempts to ‘help’ her quit and saw his good intentions. It was sweet he was so concerned about her health, talking of the kids they’d have and eventually grandkids as they lived a long healthy life together. The sweet romantic prospect of a life of love, health and happiness won her over. Julia wore the nicotine patches Ray bought for her in progressively lower doses and had just removed the last lowest dose patch this past weekend. She was a former smoker now. A non-smoker.
Still, now stuck in her head. Either he loved her or he didn’t, whether she smoked or not. All the daytime trashy talk shows told her she should have been enough for him and he should accept her as she was. You shouldn’t marry people expecting to change them. It was just a habit; it wasn’t part of her identity, just something she enjoyed. He wasn’t trying to change her personality or the core of who she was, Ray just wanted her to be healthy – out of his love for her. All these thoughts rattled in her head as Ray backed out of the driveway on his 5 hour drive up the highway.
Julia had never lived in a house before. She grew up in a working class family living in apartments and trailer parks, her mother working her ass off to provide for Julia and her sister after Julia’s father left. College was never an option and Julia got a job as a waitress as soon as she turned 16. Her best option for a bright future was to get lucky and marry rich; she just didn’t expect it to happen so soon after graduating high school. Julia struck gold when she got a job at a bar in the business district and met Ray. He was a semi-regular after work; not the kind of guy who came in to drown his sorrows or drink the day away; he’d bring in client prospects as part of his work. It was love at first sight but almost got derailed.
Ray had become infatuated with the cute waitress to the point he knew her schedule and would only come in on days she worked. He was ready to leave one evening and was disappointed she seemed to have disappeared; he didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye. Deflated, he finally gave up and settled his tab with another waitress and walked out the back door on his way to the parking garage and there she was. Julia saw him exit the bar and tried in vain to hide her cigarette. Ray’s face lit up when he saw her. Then he looked down at the cigarette between her fingers and his face fell, looking back up at her. His look of disappointment was heartbreaking. He tried to recover, saying he wondered where she went, said his goodbye and walked away as he flipped his collar up. They overcame it; for all his disappointment at her dirty habit, Ray was smitten and continued coming to the bar just to sit at her tables.
***
Julia loved her house; large and beautifully furnished. She had a large walk-in closet that was sparse for now but was beginning to gradually fill in as they made their life together. What was she going to do with herself for a whole month? The job search she said she’d start wouldn’t take long; it’d be over as soon as it started. Without a degree or vocational training, she didn’t have much to offer and never got past the smiles and empty ‘we’ll let you know’ promise behind insincere smiles. Service jobs like waitressing were beneath a wife of a financial advisor already making low six figures, sure to double as early as next year. Without a professional-level job of her own, Julia’s future included kids, PTA, Junior League, tennis clubs and the like. Not a bad prospect but she was so young there would be a huge adjustment period.
As the evening wore on, Julia sat with her laptop in front of the TV, on just for background noise. Her surfing around landed her on YouTube looking at channels she followed. Loneliness turned to nostalgia, even at her young age and she
looked up the long defunct channel she started in junior high and kept up into high school. The old videos made her smile through her own cringe. Sleepovers, the dancing around to bubble gum pop songs she hadn’t heard in a while and her ‘outfit of the day’ and makeup tutorials were almost too embarrassing to watch. She remembered being so thrilled when she reached 25 subscribers and some views even hit triple digits. The young faces of her friends made her feel older than her 19 years.
Courtney was in one of the sleepover videos; she was the one who handed her her first cigarette on that very night. She remembered coughing, eyes watering as she tried to impress a girl she tried too hard to be friends with; a girl who ended up dumping her for a cooler crowd from a better neighborhood, leaving behind early teenage heartbreak and a budding habit. Once Julia learned to inhale properly without coughing it was easy to sneak a cigarette now and then with her mother out of the house so much. When she turned 16 and started waitressing, cigarette breaks with the older girls were routine and cigarettes became a daily part of her life. Her mother wasn’t happy about it but allowed it.
A life well-lived is the best revenge, right? Wonder where Courtney is now; probably college, probably a sorority and maybe a serious boyfriend. Who cares; Julia had a good life now and a man who loved and wanted the best for her.
Julia slept in the next morning; why not. She could get her workout in and be back by noon, do some shopping and take her time getting back home. Julia settled in after dinner bringing up YouTube again, watching more mature fare on gardening and decorating; and was soon getting bored. Julia sipped her wine and thought she could do that; she wasn’t learning anything she didn’t already know. What could she offer the YT world as an adult?
Julia went back to her old channel and found Courtney’s as well; the last upload was 4 years past now. Probably just as forgotten as her own. Views ranged from 80 to 125, but one of her videos was in the thousands. She’d forgotten about the video Courtney uploaded from that same sleepover she had on her channel. Why so many views on that one? Julia’s video from that night only had 38. As it began to play, Julia remembered Courtney wasn’t as careful as she was, recording the girls giggling as they smoked their first cigarettes by the open bedroom window worried about getting caught. Over a hundred comments complemented the 3,000 views. Some found it funny, a few chastised the girls for smoking, but the bulk were encouraging and supportive; begging for more. Some were surprisingly recent asking where they were now. They were too naive to realize it at the time but now
Julia saw them for what they were; obviously guys weirdly turned on by teenage girls smoking cigarettes, so young and unglamorous as they were at the time. Julia smiled. However her friendship with Courtney ended, that was a fun night; one she wished she could relive. Seeing the smoke pour out of her 13 year old mouth made her want to relive it. She looked at her empty wine glass and pondered a whole month by herself. Maybe just one? It couldn’t hurt could it? She shook her head, not wanting to undo all her hard work quitting and not wanting to disappoint Ray. What if just one cigarette brought it all back? Could that even happen? One of the voices in her head spoke through her dulled judgment saying ‘so what; he should accept her for who she was. Smoking shouldn’t be a dealbreaker. A marriage is a union of equal partners, right?’ She could still drive after one glass of wine, the Quick Stop was just a mile away. She tried to keep herself busy to no avail; there was nothing for her to be busy with.
Julia grabbed her keys and left the house.
Part Two
Julia needed more wine to stave off the guilt that was beginning to set in. She had the pack of Marlboro Lights in her hand but in a few steps she could toss them into the trash outside and save her newly healed pink lungs from darkening again. The pack was glued to her hand though, firmly planted in her sweaty palm, manicured fingernails folded over the top as she looked down at her old friends; twenty of them, waiting inside to be reacquaint themselves with her. Just One. She looked into the mirror hoping her reflection would talk her out of it. Piercing green eyes stared back at her; the eyes her husband said made him fall in love with her. Julia reached back and pulled the scrunchy that held her strawberry blond hair in a ponytail, allowing her luscious hair to fall down upon her shoulders. She didn’t want her white teeth dulling again. And her flawless complexion showed no lines; she wanted to keep it that way. But Just One wouldn’t do that to her. Julia’s heart pounded and a gap in her brain seemed to open, waiting to be filled – with Just One. She distracted herself with a slow sip of red wine; pleading with herself… can’t I have Just One?
The muscle memory of pulling the cellophane band from the top of the pack and the crinkly sound of the top bunching in her hand egged her on. Julia closed her eyes and breathed the sweet scent of fresh tobacco deep into her sinuses. This was the point of no return as she pulled Just One from within, gliding between her fingers in a most natural and familiar motion. Julia stretched her slender fingers out and admired unlit Just One between her red nails. It looked so natural and
so…right. Julia teased herself now, purposely building up the anticipation. Her heart continued pounding and her brain ached for what it knew was coming. Just One was in her right hand resting on her thigh; and her left thumb repeatedly flicked down on the wheel of the lighter as it rested on her left leg, making her heart skip a beat. That sound she missed so much, the promise of such pleasure that always followed that metallic sound.
Muscle memory won the day. The flame touched the tip and Just One glowed red as Julia closed her eyes and felt the hot smoke wash over her tongue; she held the first ball of smoke in her mouth a couple of seconds and pulled it down in one familiar gasp, filling her sinuses as it escaped her lungs back out into her living room. Julia tilted her head back and closed her eyes, wanting to savor the feel of her old boyfriend flowing through her bloodstream into her head. She loved Just One as much as she loved her husband; they shouldn’t compete for her affection. There was room in her life for both.
Just One was a liar. Julia knew it too but she fell for it anyway like a promise from a manipulative ex-boyfriend. Just One had his way with her and the short dirty remnant took his place in the saucer Julia used for an ashtray; all of her old ashtrays were in a landfill somewhere buried under two month’s worth of refuse. Just Two took his place in her lips now and made everything better. Combined with the wine, the prospect of a month alone didn’t seem so depressing now that she had old boyfriends to keep her company.
Julia went back to YouTube and had a sinister thought. Whether she was going to return to her dark habit or not, she wanted to preserve the moment. She had no intention of resurrecting her old channel; that would stay buried. Simply recording it on her phone wasn’t good enough and had no audience. She’d have to be careful though; she wouldn’t be able to show her full face and even with a fake name, it would be her luck someone she knew or heaven forbid, her husband would stumble across it. Sneaking a cigarette behind his back was bad enough but uploading it on a place like YT would take some serious explaining. This risky notion of a public upload seemed to drive her vanity.
Sitting at her makeup table, Julia connected her phone to the laptop so she could see a larger image, easier to make sure nothing in the background gave her away and easier to make sure the recording didn’t rise above her nose. All she wanted to do was see the close-up of her mouth anyway. Julia sculpted her lips with a dark red lipliner that matched the heavy matte lipstick contrasting her fair skintone covered in heavy base. The phone was close enough to her face for the soft,
natural sounds of her inhales and exhales to be audible. She decided against any narrative so her voice wouldn’t be recognized; the sounds of the act were enough. The red light on her phone signaled ‘action’ and Julia drew the 100 to her lips between her polished nails. She drew hard enough for the microphone to pick up the crackling of the tobacco, followed by standard inhales, with residual smoke drifting from her nose after the exhales. Julia flashed an occasional smile but mostly just admired her cropped image on the laptop positioned behind the phone’s camera.
It was over before she knew it. She smiled and waved goodbye to nobody and switched off the camera. 6:34 and that was that. Did she really want to do this? Her mind was still asking herself as her finger clicked the right buttons to upload; a simple process even a preteen could handle. She struggled with the description, landing on “Just bored. Entertaining myself with my first cigarette in two months.” No tags; no wait, at least put something. #smoking #smokinggirl. Maybe at least someone else will see it. The telltale beep confirmed the upload and she opened it and watched herself; all 6 minutes and 34 seconds, making her pull another to follow along with her own image; her 5th of the night. Just One was a liar, laughing at her from the saucer and from within her lungs.
***
Morning light shown through the window and Julia felt as fresh as any other morning. She looked around the room and over to the table where her pack sat next to the laptop; she had no desire to pick it up again. Maybe Just One wasn’t such a liar after all. She got up, started the coffee, showered and made herself up for nobody and had no plans for the day. She sat on the couch with the TV on and picked up her phone to check her channel; it was the only excitement in her life at the moment. 42 views and 6 comments. Already? It had only been up 12 hours. The comments made her smile; a couple of hearts, heart eyes emojis, one in cyrillic script she couldn’t read, and some encouraging compliments on her lips and her style.
Julia picked up her phone with increasing frequency. 48 views; then 53; then 55.
There were 76 views by dinnertime and 3 more comments, all supportive and asking for more. Why not… Julia sat at her vanity and gave an encore performance. This time teasing the camera with ghost and snap inhales and frequent lip pops as she snatched the filter from her lips. Julia knew how to tease. Tonight’s performance included close-ups of the lip print and the darkened end of
the filter.
The next morning found the phone in Julia’s hand before she got out of bed. 221 views on the first video and 89 already on the one she uploaded last night. Several more flattering comments on both clips asked for more and begged to see her full face. A couple of comments bordered on crude and she ignored those; but felt the need to type in a few replies and ‘heart’ each compliment. She checked her phone with more frequency than she did the day before. The increasing calls to show her face teased her throughout the day. As enticing as they were, she couldn’t do that; and she should have seen that coming. The second video prompted subscribers and Julia toyed with the idea of uploading a full view clip tonight. If her husband wasn’t there, maybe the adoration of 34 subscribers and a combined 535 viewers would be enough to stroke her ego. She didn’t really feel like smoking during the day, not wanting to bring back her habit in full, hoping to manage it enough to stop once Ray came back home. Just One more tonight.
Julia fixed her hair and makeup as if she were going out and put on a blouse that showed just a bit of her c-cup cleavage. It didn’t seem fair that with nothing to do all day she needed to wait until night time for the only activity she could look forward to. Blocking any potential consequences from her mind, Julia pressed the red button and introduced her fake name to the small crowd of subscribers, thanking them for finding her, thanking the commenters, and asking the potential viewers to ‘like and subscribe,’ realizing how juvenile it sounded in her head. No matter, she continued on as if talking to an old friend on Face Time. The seven minutes of talking through her cigarette wasn’t enough and she decided to pull another, chaining it from the tip of her first. Having introduced herself and running out of chit chat, Julia leaned back and enjoyed her second cigarette, occasionally looking to the camera with a smile and a nervous giggle. She flashed the brown filter end, asking the potential viewers if that was something they’d want to see and inviting them to leave their requests in the comments. After 17 minutes, Julia waved goodbye, blew a kiss and smiled. Once the camera was off she prepped the upload, and after seeing what other similar videos were out there added a new tag: #smokingfetish.
Part Three
By Saturday, Julia was in over her head; uploading new videos nightly. Each one was bolder than the last. She was not only showing her full face but also modeling some of her favorite clothes for the camera; dressy going-out dresses she rarely had a chance to wear and even some conservative night clothes, all with a full
complement of makeup and fixed up hair. Nothing seedy; she was just being herself, her lonely self.
She’d spoken with Ray a few times; he couldn’t call every night as he had clients to entertain and it was too late to call when he’d get back to his hotel room; little did he know Julia was not only very much awake but giving her nightly performance for the viewing pleasure of total strangers in the relative anonymity of YouTube with her fake name.
Julia’s one or two nightly cigarettes were beginning to spill over into the daytime now. They went well with morning coffee and evening wine; she could do without the wine but had to have her coffee. Her days were spent planning the nightly appearances, wanting to keep it fresh but her followers didn’t really care; they just wanted to see her smoke more and more. The comments increased and turned into DMs offering to pay for customs. Her subscribers asked for her Patreon and even her Only Fan account information. That made her blush but also stoked her growing ego. She didn’t have those accounts but she wondered how much money she could make.
Julia daydreamed; it was just fantasy. She was sure she could be successful but how would she explain the income to Ray, however modest it would be. Julia thought seriously about how long she’d keep her channel up before closing it down. She’d have to close it before Ray returned; but what about his next trip? He didn’t travel much now but his out of town trips would increase if he was going to climb his corporate ladder. He’d have to take the tough assignments and that meant time on the road. Julia would have to take a job in retail or go back to school to learn some marketable skills if she was going back to work; neither of those appealed to her, especially if she could make some money right here at home with zero overhead. She just had to figure out how.
There were enough bedrooms in the house for Julia to set up a makeshift studio and she spent the day arranging one of the guest bedrooms into her video room. By the afternoon she was ready to begin the first live stream she promised her 532 subscribers. The FAQ was a basic format; lame, but it was a place to start and her viewer count increased as the adoration began in the chat window.
Julia ended the live stream 2 hours after it began. Her throat was hoarse from talking and the rapid succession of nearly a pack of Marlboro Lights. The chats exploded every time she tried to pause between lightups; her audience begging for a fresh cigarette. She acquiesced each time, appeasing requests for rings, snaps
and hands-free dangles. She loved every minute of it but was paying the price now. She hadn’t smoked a half a pack in over 2 months; and hadn’t smoked that much in such a short period of time since her pre-Ray partying days. Her chest was tight and sinuses raw; but it was oh so worth it to make so many people happy. The adoration was intoxicating.
The post office was closed on Sunday and Julia was irritated at having to wait until Monday to set up her PO box for the gifts so many guys promised. Ray’s income easily provided their every need so she didn’t need any gifts; and really any legit job she was looking for was for her own fulfillment and not the income. Her first week alone supremely illustrated she had found a way to find her worth. If only it were respectable. Julia mentally rehearsed a ridiculously unrealistic conversation with her new husband about her new vocation. He’d flip his lid and their marriage would be over before it even started. She enjoyed the fantasy, though she had a sort of buyer’s remorse as she left the post office. She could always just close it but even PO boxes require a forwarding address when closed; where would she be then? That’s a decision for another day. A trip to a small family-owned bank and she had a clandestine bank account.
By the end of the second week, her PO Box contained discreetly packaged cartons of her preferred Marlboro Lights 100s, fan favorite Virginia Slims, Reds and a a few loose packs of Canadian and European brands she didn’t recognize. It would take her months to get through them but she only needed one or two for nightly uploads to appease and thank her fans.
Only Fans was a bridge too far but Julia opened a more tame Patreon. Her 6,900 YouTube subscribers only translated to 128 Patreon subscribers but they were enthusiastic and kept her busy throughout the day and night. Unfortunately, her new vocation made the month go by too quickly and she had to face the reality of her huband’s return in three days. Julia’s headspace was now filled with ways to cover her tracks; a much less appealing exercise than catering to her adoring fans.
Less appealing still was the daunting reality she wouldn’t be able to hide the vengeful return of her dark habit, now up to half pack a day. That is, a half pack when she wasn’t on camera. All combined, Julia was very near her former pre- marriage pack a day standard. Ray would have to just deal with it. Julia surprised herself with that confrontational thought; seems her illicit relationship with her fans had also infused some resolve into her otherwise demure personality.
Julia thought it best to tell Ray she’d started smoking again before he returned; it
seemed responsible to give him notice ahead of time. She could air out the house sufficiently enough but wouldn’t be able to hide the scent from her clothes; and it would be painfully apparent the first time he let her hair fall over his face as he loved doing.
***
There was a long and unsurprising pause. “Why?” Julia could feel the disappointment through the phone; Ray’s one word response was stretched out sounding multi-syballic.
“I don’t know; I was just so bored here without you. There’s not really much to keep me occupied. You know I’ll never find a job that doesn’t include a plastic name tag. I guess I was just feeling discouraged.”
Julia wished she’d planned on appealing to Ray’s heartstrings but wasn’t worldly or experienced enough in relationships to make that play. She was proud of herself in a devious way at how naturally it came out.
Ray was heartbroken; but not exactly the way he thought. It’s true he was deeply disappointed at her smoking but that disappointment was overwhelmed by his heartbreak over his beloved wife’s suffering self-worth. He loved her with all his soul and the month apart was as hard on him as it was on her. Julia didn’t know it but Ray had replaced his phone’s wallpaper with a close-up of his beautiful wife, hoping it would prompt a co-worker or client to ask about her and give him a chance to brag on his love for her. To a newlywed like Ray, a month apart felt like a year.
Ray ended the conversation acknowledging it wasn’t the end of the world and pledged to help her quit again when he returned. For now though, he didn’t want that ugly revelation casting a shadow over their reunion the next day.
***
Julia went overboard for Ray’s homecoming. The house was spotless and well fumigated. She had champagne waiting with chocolate covered strawberries and wore her sexiest dress, complete with thigh highs and heels. She had her last cigarette with her morning coffee and Julia was climbing the walls by the time Ray arrived mid-afternoon. Their reunion matched the anticipation built up over a month apart. Julia had managed the day without boredom cigarettes and even made it through the bottle of champagne they split. But not having one after sex? That was
too much to ask. The newlyweds discovered that reunion sex easily surpassed the romance of their wedding night; it wasn’t even dark outside yet when they finally came up for air. The trail of clothes between the living room and bed didn’t include Julia’s thigh highs; Ray had left those on as he undressed her in their passion; at least there was some glimmer of a mild kink in his straight-laced image. Julia briefly considered wearing her full-body nylon catsuit; but decided against it. A Patreon subscriber had sent it and her fans loved it. But she didn’t think Ray was ready for that yet; maybe he was.
“I’ve missed you so much!” Julia played to Ray’s ego, lavishing loving comments over how much she’d missed him, loved him and how happy she was to have him back. She was sincere but wanted to lead off with those feelings before ending with her desire for a cigarette, that urge coming over her like a tidal wave. She was careful not to say she needed one.
Ray’s self-satisfied ego-driven smile broke. “Well you can’t go outside like that,” he murmured and looked away.
“Oh honey, don’t judge me. It doesn’t change anything; I’m still who I am.” Julia reached into the nightstand to retrieve the Marlboro Lights 100’s and a cleaned ashtray, lighting up with her back to him as if hurrying before he could physically intervene. Julia lie back on the pillows blowing the smoke up and away from where her husband lie to her right. She double pumped a pair of slow deep inhales, knowing that would be enough to satisfy the immediate craving before Ray could protest. She’d put it out if he did.
Julia could only avoid him for so long. Ray was lying on his side, propped up on an elbow admiring his beautiful wife. Even though she was exhaling away from him the foul odor began to fill the bedroom; she looked so happy and relieved. He was losing his grip on the pristine image of a perfectly submissive wife he’d hoped to shape her into; the eye candy trophy wife he’d hoped to marry young enough to mold her into the perfect image of a millionaire’s wife he’d soon be. All his life he’d been told, and told himself, how cigarette smoking was disgusting and unladylike. He loved her so much though and his heart melted every time he looked at her. She really went out of her way to fix herself up for his return. Her hair looked red in this light; her expertly crafted makeup was surprisingly intact after their furious lovemaking, eyelashes long and fluttering over her green eyes. Julia’s c-cups were just slightly too big for her petite frame; toned flat abs gave way to a thin reddish trail matching her hair as it led down to her promised land. And those legs; the barely noticeable nylon accentuated the muscle tone in her thighs and calves; he
loved that look, especially on his wife. Her toes were cute, short and perfectly shaped with red polish only slightly muted by the seamless hose.
“Are you disappointed in me?” Julia broke his trance.
Ray struggled for words; overwhelmed by the image of such perfection lying before him. He knew how lucky he was so marry someone so gorgeous. “How can I be disappointed in such beauty?”
It happened accidentally but there was no more perfect way to reintroduce her habit than taunting him with her sexuality, lying in all her visual glory after what would be only the first round of their reunion. Ray’s reply was as agreeable as she could have hoped for and would have been much different if she’d stepped out the back door earlier in the day without his presently raging hormones.
Part Four
Ray was so glad to be home, trying to block the next trip out of his mind knowing how much he’d dread leaving his wife again. They still had a full weekend together before he’d even have to go back into the office. His coming home felt like a second honeymoon but now that was over and they were returning to their day-to- day. In doing so, Ray had to come to grips with how to restart Julia’s cessation process. He dreaded that too; it was as draining on him as it was on her. He remembered how cranky she was in those first days and weeks; and they weren’t even living together at that time. Ray really did not want to relive that. He rationalized. Though her kisses tasted different, he enjoyed the best sex he’d ever had last night. The faint smoky aroma mixed with her body lotion and hair as he kissed the back of her neck, letting her locks fall over his face. It wasn’t altogether unpleasant; he stopped short of admitting how appealing it was. Julia looked so happy; and so relieved when he didn’t take them out of her hand and throw them out like he wanted to. That would be a dick move and he didn’t want to be the bad guy and ruin their reunion. Maybe he should just let it go; for now at least.
Julia faced challenges of her own. As glad as she was to have Ray back, she felt a responsibility to her fans. He’d be gone again in a few weeks but maybe not for as long. Julia felt some shame in her split loyalties. Maybe she could put in a comment saying she was taking some time off. Her ego liked her uploads as much as her fans did.
Julia had already won a major victory in Ray’s seeming willingness to tolerate her
smoking again; maybe she should quit while she was ahead. She fantasized about coming clean to him about her channels; how he’d find her as sexy and desirable as her fans and followers. She hadn’t put up anything too bad on Patreon; just some soft core lingerie modeling. The most provocative clips had her in lace thongs and bikinis; maybe the nylon boob show wearing her bodystocking, but that was it. She declined lucrative offers for customs as much too risky; and had zero interest in actual meet-ups. How could Ray object? Anyone he knew who might ‘out’ her would have to admit what they were searching in order to find it. Julia rationalized to no avail; she just had to keep him out of the spare bedroom/studio he never went in anyway. It’d be all over if he found her stash of gifts.
Winning Ray over to her smoking again seemed a done deal; his comments about her quitting were fading and he definitely still liked kissing her. Julia pressed the envelope by lighting up as they sat on the patio of the trendy downtown martini bar Saturday night. Ray looked around as if someone would say something or shoot disapproving looks their way. Of course nobody did; they were just another pretty couple sitting on the patio for the same reason as the others out there. Ray watched as his wife enjoyed her cigarette and the allure began to sink in. He turned his thoughts inward and thought maybe he was the one who needed to make the adjustment. He gulped his martini and needed to offer his blessing; get the elephant out of the room once and for all.
“I think I understand now.”
Julia looked confused, not following his internal dialogue. She leaned forward with a reassuring smile through his awkward but sincere admission of the sensual seductive elegance of a woman with a cigarette. Easy to let him off the hook, affirming she was still the same person who loved him and looked forward to their long life together.
Julia was further surprised as Ray kept the conversation going. “Do you think more guys are turned off by it or don’t mind it? I mean, you know, before we started dating.”
Julia saw an opportunity. “There are guys out there who rule out a girl who smokes without even meeting her; so shallow. If a guy’s that petty, I’m glad to know right away. Most guys honestly don’t care.” Julia took another brazen step forward. “I’ll let you in on a little secret too. A lot of guys are turned on by it; you’d be surprised.”
The surprised look she expected from Ray never came. Instead he looked
thoughtful, letting it sink in. “You’re a guy with your share of locker room talk. Haven’t you ever known anyone who was gutsy enough to admit it?”
Ray’s a pretty straight, tame guy, so no, he’d never heard that admission but Julia felt like she was successful in planting that seed; anxious to water and nurture it in hopes it would bloom as hers had.
***
Ray was no poker player. There was something on his mind as he and Julia were readying for bed. “No, I’m fine. I’m just thinking about our conversation.” Julia played up her flirtations, continuing to bring her smoking into parity with sexual attraction as Ray continued stumbling through his thoughts. “I told you I’m fine with you smoking; I’m not going to encourage you to quit anymore, that’s done. I guess I’m trying to figure out if I’m getting turned on by it. I haven’t stopped being turned on since I got home,” he nervously laughed. “I’m just trying to figure out if you smoking again has anything to do with it. You are sexy as hell, even watching you smoke… okay,” he took a deep breath. “You’re sexy as hell especially when you smoke! There I said it,” he finished his thoughts, visibly turning red.
That was the moment Julia had been waiting for and she seized it, pulling him into her, sensuously kissing her husband for all she was worth. “I don’t know why that’s so hard for you to admit. It’s natural; normal even.” She felt motherly, putting her older husband at ease as if trying to console a pubescent kid through his first time budding urges.
“Let me show you something,” she said as she pulled her laptop into bed with them, resting it on the covers. Her history was clean, so not yet… Instead she brought up a channel she modeled her own after. The housewife and mother had 20,000 subscribers who vlogged her daily life of fashion, motherhood and of course, her daily journey of cigarette smoking after her husband and kids were out of the house for the day. Not that she hid it from them, she had her family life and also had her YouTube life with her fans. Julia found her favorite upload on that channel; so nervous her finger was barely able to press play, sitting quietly allowing Ray to drink it in.
The tense silence only lasted a couple of minutes before Ray got the point and reached over to the channel’s upload page. “Look at all those red bars under the icons,” he exclaimed. “You’ve seen all of these!” He struggled with what to say and how to make sense of it, finally coming out with “are you turned on by it too?”
Julia nodded. “I just came to that realization while you were away; truth, that’s why I started again. Once I started watching, it just grabbed me; it is sexy. It’s not that I’m attracted to her, it just awakened something in me so I followed along with her.”
“I had no idea all this was out there. I just look at investment advice and maybe how-to videos.”
“Well there goes your free time now.” Julia laughed.
Ray gave a polite laugh in return but said “I don’t know; how does her husband stand for that; knowing twenty thousand horny guys are jacking it while they watch his wife?”
Things were going so well and this was challenge she expected. “It’s hot! You said so yourself. It’s not like she’s out sleeping around. She hasn’t met up with anyone and won’t; she’s just a vlogger with fans who adore her, just like her husband does. She makes people happy. Her Patreon probably has the same stuff, just maybe a little more risque but she’s not a stripper. There’s really nothing wrong with it.” Her words came out stronger and much more defensive than Ray expected but exactly as Julia intended. “Don’t you think?”
“Uh, yeah I guess when you put it that way it doesn’t sound so bad. I guess if it doesn’t bother her husband then good for them.”
“Would it bother you?”
The light Julia expected to come on didn’t. Instead he laughed as how absurd it sounded to him. “Guys could jack it all they want as long as this beautiful body is all mine,” he joked.
“Want to see another one?”
Part Five
“Yeah sure,” Ray sighed. He was feeling his urge and trying to get something going with Julia but humored her, still so far in the dark he didn’t know what was about to hit him.
“Promise you won’t get mad at me,” Julia said as she navigated her channel. “Wait, what?”
Julia nonchalantly played down her channel as just another vlog. How she’d gotten bored while he was away and uploaded some videos. Ray watched as she brought up her first upload, the close-up of her face and lips. That one didn’t bring a reaction so she went for broke, showing her latest upload, the replay of a two hour live stream. Ray’s jaw dropped as he watched his wife in full view before the camera wearing her thin silk robe. Julia obviously had nothing on underneath as it showed deep cleavage with her face and hair fully made up, supposedly ready to get into bed. The tease of her look, incessantly puffing away on a variety of gifted cigarettes, and the seductiveness of preparing to lie in bed alone was deliberately intended to tease her audience. However, her talk of missing her husband and how she was looking forward to his return home after his long business trip offset his growing jealousy.
“Are you mad?”
Ray was flustered. Seeing her channel had rocked his world and he didn’t know what to say or how to respond. He took the laptop from her and scrolled through the video description and comments. The video was tagged ’18 and over’ and the comments validated what he knew – that his wife was beautiful, he was a lucky guy to be married to her etc. Still, his jealousy burned. Intense mixed feelings were at war in his head: The stunning visual beauty, the pride he felt in his wife’s apparent modestly successful YouTube stardom. After all, 7,000 subscribers was the equivalent of a small city, all there to admire his wife’s beauty. That thought was overpowered by the acknowledgement that it was HIS wife these 7,000 guys were drooling over.
Julia asked if he was okay, his silence was making her nervous and she felt she was losing the narrative. “I’m sure it’s a lot to take in but seriously, it’s just for fun. I’ll close it down if you’re not comfortable with it.” She went on to say she’d take a break from her uploads while he sorted through his feelings.
“What’s Patreon?”
“It’s like YouTube but a pay site with a monthly membership fee.” “You’re getting paid???”
Julia did her best at damage control. Her channel cost $10 monthly but like YT, it was just uploads but admittedly showing a little more. It was easy for a financial guy like Ray to do the quick math; her net was much lower after the bullshit fees.
He struggled to distinguish Patreon from prostitution but didn’t go there, at least not verbally. Julia again reiterated her willingness to close that account too. Ray was clearly deflated; his beautiful young bride was putting on soft core for strangers who paid her for the privilege.
“It’s not Tinder,” Julia defended, and referred back to the channels she modeled hers after. “They all have Patreon too; it’s not like we’re meeting up with anyone.”
It was easy to talk about being okay with her channels in an academic sense but actually seeing it hit different. Ray handed the laptop over to Julia, took a deep breath and rolled over and shut off the lamp.
***
Neither of them really slept. At least Ray didn’t get up to sleep on the couch. Julia was mentally back where she was a month ago, fearing at worst her fledgling marriage was over; at best she’d broken trust that would take hard work to overcome. She replayed her promise to shut down her channels over and over in her mind but the damage was apparently done.
Ray’s mixed feelings filled his head. The most damning thoughts felt a lot like cheating. Julia was showing herself to other men for money, soft core as it was. However, he had to admit watching her clips aroused him as much as it aroused her fans; more actually since she belonged to him.
Julia’s heart sank as she woke up to an empty bed. It was still dark and the clock showed a little after 3:00am. The low glow coming from the spare bedroom she used as her studio drew her to the doorway, watching Ray’s illuminated face in front of her laptop. She backed away and returned to bed relieved he wasn’t on the couch at least.
Ray watched clip after clip. He even went back to Courtney’s old channel that showed Julia smoking her first cigarette. Julia defended it saying it wasn’t Only Fans (whatever that is) and the closest thing to nudity was her nylon boob show and shaking her ass in her lacy underwear. As complimentary as her fans were on her stunning figure, they were clearly there to watch her smoke. He’d come to terms with its sex appeal some 6 hours ago but wondered what he was missing in the level of passion expressed in the comments. He stopped short of reaching his right hand into his waistband as all the other viewers probably were.
The shock was wearing off. The logical part of his brain had been telling him this
trust breach could end his marriage. The practical side was urging him not to overreact; just tell her to shut it down no questions asked, and recover as best they could. The primal portion was overpowering them both as a glimmer of a fetish emerged. “What’s the harm,” he rationalized. She’s not walking the streets; she’s not stripping on the weekends. To even call it a double life sounded so dramatic. He could enjoy her videos too after all. Maybe her channels could keep him company whenever he’s away. A new internal voice came out of nowhere telling him to stop acting like a little bitch and grow up.
Ray closed the laptop, took a deep breath and walked back to bed, quietly slipping under the sheets to not wake his wife. He leaned over and kissed her cheek, pausing long enough to slowly inhale the residual cigarette smoke now ever- present in her beautiful hair.