Sarah Dark Allure – Smoking Fetish Story

It was Tuesday and Sarah Johanson was all jittery as she quickly exited the blue painted main gate of her high school. It was a pleasantly warm early autumn day. She was two weeks into the new school year. The large houses on the street outside the school prevented the low afternoon sun from hitting the crowd of students. Looking up, Sarah could see the blue skies through the crown of the autumnal yellowing big old larks that grew along the avenue that ran in front of the historic school building.

Within several paces off the gates, all around her Sarah heard the familiar clicking of lighters as many of her schoolmates and peers hurriedly lit up their post-school cigarettes. Many were rather desperate as it had been an incredibly long time since lunch.

Sarah was used to it, as she had witnessed throughout her school years as an increasing number of her friends in her class and in the school had started to smoke. Her social group at lunch got smaller and smaller as time had gone on.

Some of her peers had actually started smoking rather early, often because their parents smoked too. Sarah clearly remembered how surprised she had been when she first watched as Julia smiled to her as she pulled out a cigarette from her bag four years ago.

Sarah and Julia had been close friends all the way through school. this was mainly because they lived near each other. They had actually first met in pre-school.

The whole Julia smoking thing came as a surprise. Sarah had absolutely no clue that Julia had been experimenting with cigarettes, and she still recalled vividly her utter shock mixed with a mischievous amazement. The whole thing was a blur as she watched in a sort of awe as Julia confidently stood there and flicked a lighter and lit up and inhaled for real toxic smoke from her cigarette. Even Sarah could tell that it wasn’t her first cigarette and figured that Julia had definitely been secretly smoking for a while.

Back then, even Sarah’s parents both smoked, and where many children would have protested, Sarah had spent countless hours watching them pull smoke into their lungs. Sarah wasn’t exactly sure why she did, but indeed

she found watching her Mum’s smoking fascinating. What was strange was that Carla was her own mother, not an actress in a movie, and for some inexplicable reason Sarah simply couldn’t help but being intrigued. Even though her father Bill certainly smoked more than her Mum. Sarah found irrational that Carla so often complained about him smoking “way too much”. He probably consumed at least one and half packs of Marlboro Reds per day.

Nevertheless, Sarah liked to secretly watch her Mum happily lit up her cigarettes. Sarah didn’t know exactly how much Carla smoked but suspected that it was more than the half pack she claimed to smoke a day. Sarah was totally fascinated. She would sit there almost opened mouthed as Carla took long leisurely drags from her all-white full-flavored Salem 100’s. Although both Carla and Bill smoked all around the house, when smoking alone Carla would stand mostly in the kitchen next to the oven extractor fan or in summer when the weather was hot by the open patio door. Not only was she

clearly filled with guilt by her smoking habit, but she was also partially worrying about not stinking her house with her smoke.

With such an arrangement, it was convenient for Sarah to sit at the kitchen table to do her homework, not only because she had her Mum’s company as she flitted around the house in the evenings, but also because she liked in a wicked almost twisted way to observe her smoke.

As a distraction from her schoolwork, she would ask her Mum to do more of the smoke tricks she occasionally would do. Pleasingly for Sarah Carla would cheerfully execute near perfect snap inhales, or exhale through her nose, or blow sharp smoke rings. Sarah always thought were the coolest things ever. Sitting there watching the grey hoops as they traveled daintily across the sunlit room.

Instead of questioning the reasons behind Sarah’s requests, Carla somehow enjoyed showing off for her daughter. It in some way took the edge off her own personal guilty feelings for smoking.

Bill worked long hours during the week, and in the evenings, he would come home just in time for dinner. Sarah used to compare her parents’ styles as they both lit up after dinner and she had noted how much more

elegant and feminine her Mum was, in contrast to her Dad’s more mechanical and thoughtless manners.

Sarah always remembered a conversation that really stuck in her mind. It occurred at dinner one evening when she was around 10 or 11 years old. It was around Christmas, and they were all visiting at her grandparents’ house. It was a big old house, always decorated with lights and tinsel. It was amazing as it was the festive period, all her cousins and relatives were there too. Sarah heard her aunt Samantha, Bill’s older sister, almost shout at Bill telling him he should try to cut down a bit on his smoking.

Conversely from her brother, Samantha had never even tried smoking a single cigarette and was very health concerned. Sarah used to think that her aunt was a bit of a know-it-all person. She was kind but had the tendency of always letting people know what she thought.

“It’s not good for you! You should think about your health, and about your children too…” she had stubbornly stated to Bill.

After a challenging exhale, looking straight at his sister, her Dad had replied:

“I already did.” Pointing at the pack of Marlboro Reds on the table in front of him he continued “I’ve switched to these now that are much lighter compared to the unfiltered, I used to smoke.”

Sarah didn’t recall much more from that conversation, but her Dad’s statement had intrigued her. For some mysterious reason, she wanted to know more. Those fragments of conversation had remained etched in her memory and countless times she had wondered about the meanings and details. She ached to know more. She had already heard the saying “Cowboy killers” referred to the Marlboro Reds which apparently were supposed to be strong – whatever that meant. Which made her wonder even more about her Dad’s statement. But she was very afraid to ask, she didn’t want to give away her interest in the subject.

The subject of smoking was not frequently discussed in Sarah’s family, especially not by her Dad, but after crushing out a cigarette, her Mum would sometimes say things like:

“I’ll go wash my teeth to get rid of this foul taste. Don’t ever start, Sarah. It’s a vile nasty habit!”

Sarah would dutifully shake her head. “No Mum, never!” She would reply but feeling instead an ever-growing intriguing fascination.

Why would her Mum say a thing like that but then keep on smoking every day? Sarah had noted that Carla didn’t take tentative or shallow drags as many of her schoolmates did. Her mum’s cheeks always hollowed deeply as she sucked decisively the smoke into her mouth. She never saw struggle or discomfort in her Mum’s face when she inhaled deeply into her lungs. From what she could see, Carla’s smoking habit and her persistent complaints didn’t match up.

One year after that Christmas episode, the family was sitting all together in the lounge and were going through photo albums and other stuff that had been accumulating in the living room. Carla and Bill had recently bought a new bookshelf and they were all helping to tidy up and making place for the new piece of furniture.

Ultimately, they all got distracted. Sarah loved browsing through old photographs, and she was even more captivated when she found one old album with pictures from the summer vacation her parents did the year before she was born. Immediately, she marveled that in almost each and every picture they were smoking or there would be at least one pack of cigarettes on display somewhere.

Sarah recognized her Mum’s Salem 100’s but could not see her Dad’s red- and-white Marlboro Reds in any picture. Now completely immersed in looking though the album, her parents got curious too about what Sarah might have found since she had stopped helping and was instead sitting silently cross-legged on the floor. They walked over to her and looked over her shoulders for until Carla finally burst:

“Look at you Bill! You were smoking those nasty unfiltered Chesterfield’s!”

Sarah’s attention was immediately turned to her Mum’s comment, still vividly remembering the conversation one year before about “unfiltered cigarettes”. Wanting to know more, she waited on full alert for any reply.

“Yeah…they were something…when you inhaled you could feel a jolt in your chest as they almost left you breathless…” Bill replied with a grin.

The description sounded terrible and utterly uncomfortable, but there was a nostalgic tone in her Dad’s voice and the look on his face was almost dreamy. Sarah was totally confused but yet another layer of inner curiosity was added. Sarah made sure to note where that album was placed in the new bookshelf. As such, when alone, she returned to it many times, always browsing with fascination through those smoking pictures of her parents, and always lingering at length on the picture with the Chesterfield cigarettes.

***

Sarah’s parents never noticed the glimpse or stares that their daughter would give them when they smoked. She didn’t always do it, but over the years Sarah had spent countless hours quietly studying their mannerisms, their styles and building up an interest and curiosity towards smoking that consumed her from within.

Not surprisingly, her inquisitiveness towards smoking switched gear when during a lunch break at school her best friend Julia on her own produced that unexpected cigarette. She had been observing cigarette packs and advertisements in magazines and papers to immediately recognize that Julia was smoking a Marlboro Light cigarette, a brand that Sarah would later notice was very popular among the fellow schoolmates. Back then, compared to her Mum, Sarah thought Julia was by far not as skilled as her Mum, still clumsier in her gestures and in the way she held her cigarette.

But Sarah was totally taken by surprise and could hardly stop staring at Julia as she inhaled drag after drag. Noticing the shorter and fainter plumes of smoke escaping from her mouth, there was no doubt in Sarah’s mind that Julia’s drags were both shorter and shallower than her Mum’s, and that she inhaled the smoke only briefly.

But Julia was actually, just like her mom, smoking for real!

“Sarah, stop staring at me like that!” Julia shouted laughingly at Sarah after a while. She was feeling the full force of her friend’s gaze as the exhaled smoke filled the void between them. It made her uncomfortable.

But it was equally hard for Sarah. At home, in particular when observing her Mum as she smoked, she needed to keep a discrete interest, not to be too obvious or to make Carla suspicious. But with Julia there were no such restraints, and she didn’t need to cover or disguise her fascination. Sarah tried several different ways to mask her attention. From blaming it on the surprise in seeing her best friend suddenly smoking, whereas in reality she was attempting with great strength from succumbing to her desire to ask for a cigarette and try smoking all by herself.

Eventually, tired of her friend’s constant stares every time she smoked, Julia had started offering Sarah a cigarette on her own. But her offer was always refused. Athletic and fit Sarah did not smoke, and she knew that she was not supposed to smoke. She was the oldest sister, the mature and serious one, the girl her parents knew they could trust and depend on.

Her brother Danny was more spontaneous and seldom thought about consequences, knowing that his big sister Sarah was there to keep an eye on him. He often seemed to forget about things he didn’t show too much interest for. He was generally more lighthearted and thoughtless. In comparison, Sarah had created a stubborn image of herself and cast a set of requirements that she believed were requested of her by that. This all ultimately prevented her from accepting Julia’s kind offer of a cigarette.

As the number of friends at school that had started to smoke increased, Sarah’s interest, enchantment and curiosity grew accordingly. Just as at home, Sarah was more intrigued by her girlfriends who smoked than the boys. She was not attracted by them. It wasn’t that she was discovering lesbian feelings. She was quite sure about that, since she was attracted by all the cute guys that were developing all around her. But there was something special about the look that girls had when they smoked that guys just didn’t possess. The elegance, the almost sexy feminine touch, the sensuality of the gestures, the grace. There was simply something mischievous, incomprehensible but totally alluring of the whole act of smoking that Sarah just couldn’t shake off.

As a consequence of more and more friends around her picking up smoking and being more frequently in company of smoking friends, Sarah also begun to get home smelling of cigarette smoke. It was quickly noted by her Mum, who questioned her about it one day returning from school.

“Oh my God, Sarah. You really reek of cigarettes!” Carla loudly screeched making an exaggerated disgusted face. Frantically waving her hands in the air. “You haven’t started smoking, haven’t you?”

“Of course not, Mum. Don’t be silly!” Sarah was quick to reply with even more emphasis than needed, but she always felt that it was difficult to even talk about smoking. It was a subject that made her uncomfortable and put her on the defensive, since she always had the feeling that anything she said or did could give away her true feelings. Sarah was afraid that showing anything

but the strongest disapproval about smoking could automatically be seen as a sign of her deep fascination.

“It’s simply that many of my friends at school are smoking now. I can’t really stop being around them, can I?” Sarah explained.

Carla slowly nodded in agreement, deep down against everything she could smell. She believed her daughter and muttered about hanging out with the wrong crowd, as she accepted the retort. The case was dropped, only being occasionally mentioned when Sarah returned home after a party or other venues where she was exposed to more second-hand smoke than usual, and her hair and clothes would be completely drenched in smoke.

Chapter 2 – Unexpected changes

When Sarah was about sixteen years old her Mum finally quit smoking.

On the one hand, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise. For as long as she could remember, Sarah had heard her Mum bitterly complaining about the foul taste or the bad smell of smoke in the house. She was forever talking about how she would one day quit. Carla said the same thing so frequently that every time she started saying it, the words went in one ear and out the other. On the other hand, even as she moaned Sarah could see how intensely and elegantly her Mum smoked. It was obvious that what her Mum said and what she did never really matched.

But one day to great surprise to everyone Carla did quit for real. She really managed to shock Bill. She simply finished the cigarettes she had at home and never bought any more.

Life was not particularly fund for Sarah, Danny, and Bill. They had to cope with her much shorter temper for several weeks. Sarah easily noticed with a bit of sadness how her Mum put on some extra weight to her previously very fit and well-shaped figure.

At 37, Carla was tall and slim, her long legs toned and slender to still let her dress beautifully in skirts, slim pants, or any kind of evening dress. Carla was indeed still a very beautiful woman. She wore a stylish layered short bob haircut, so that her shiny chestnut hair framed her face and gave her a modern but somewhat mysterious look. Particularly when tilting her head forward and a bit to the side, for instance to accept a light for a cigarette, the longer strands would fall forward, partially hiding her dark eyes and face. Carla knew that she was great looking and liked wearing clothes to show her body but could at times complain about her breast that she wished were bigger. Indeed, she had the figure of a former fashion model, maybe not as skinny, but you get the idea.

After quitting smoking, Carla added some weight as commonly happens when there are no cigarettes available. She compensated for her nicotine withdrawals by munching snacks and eating irregularly and often unhealthy food. It was an easy thing to do with her hands and mouth. Luckily for Carla, being tall and slim from the start and still having the good habit of keeping active helped limit the effects. Sarah couldn’t help

but notice the added curves in the wrong places. She thought it was a real pity and she was certain her Mum thought so too.

However, what really surprised Sarah, was when about one year later, around Christmas time, her Dad announced to the family that as a New Year’s resolution he would also quit smoking. All the family laughed at the announcement thinking it was a prank!

Once she quit, Carla had been nagging him to quit too. At first, he never seemed to listen too carefully, and Sarah had never heard her Dad comment, complain or otherwise imply that he might be inclined to do it. But there after the Christmas meal the announcement was made. Even more incredibly, from the first day in January he did actually quit. Cold turkey. No one in the family and among their parents believed it would last, but it did. The weeks passed and he still stayed quit.

Overnight, the Johanson family house was smoke-free. The air was clear, ashtrays disappeared, it was different, but ultimately nice.

However, there was one addiction Sarah was struggling with. Frankly, she now missed sitting at the kitchen table or on the couch, secretly watching her Mum smoke. She missed observing in amazement as perfectly round smoke rings were blown from Carla’s lips in a magical sequence, as if they chased each other in a hurry before they dissolved in thin air. She even missed smelling the potent fragrance of her parents’ freshly lit cigarettes.

Living with non-smoking parents did not diminish her curiosity. Sarah was fighting harder than ever her internal struggle, torn between her self- imposed good image, which forced on her the duty to refrain from trying smoking, and the now raging desire to try and experience how it felt to smoke. Sarah could hardly stop from trying to imagine how it would be to bum a cigarette from Julia or any other of her friends, light up and draw smoke to her lungs.

In so many occasions had Sarah been on the verge to succumbing to her un-tameable desire to understand the art of smoking. The battle was hard, as the majority of her friends at school smoked. Some more some less, but it was a battle of will for her each time they went out or to a party. She was continuously surrounded by smokers. At least as time went on they had stopped nagging and begging her to try a cigarette. Since everyone’s

positions had somewhat crystallized. She had become accepted. Sarah was known as the goody-girl who behaved well, didn’t smoke, and didn’t drink too much either.

Whilst that was the good outcome, Sarah felt caged in that role. Approaching the beginning of the last high school year, Sarah felt that her persona was set, her role specified, her image defined, and there was no more room for experimenting. In fact, she began thinking of her life after high school. She imagined that once she had made it to college, she would be once again the unknown and thus have the freedom to do all the things she wasn’t allowed anymore. Sarah longed for the new chapter in her life where new cards would be dealt, and she could act freely again.

***

Then, a new totally unexpected and disruptive event occurred within the Johanson household. Her Mum Carla fell off the nicotine wagon and began smoking again.

No one in the family had any clue or would have expected it. Had it been Bill, it wouldn’t have been so surprising, given all the time he openly admitted he missed smoking a cigarette. But Bill kept his promise, at home, at work and everywhere else he went. He never touched a cigarette. Carla, however, the one who had complained about smoking when she still smoked and hadn’t made a fuss about quitting, shocked everyone when she started again.

It was right before the summer break at the end of Sarah’s second last year in high school. Carla was under tremendous pressure at work, when a competing company was trying to take over her business and at the same time one of her best childhood friends had discovered to have uterine cancer.

One day at the office, it had all just become too much for her to cope with. She had spent half the time crying on the phone with her friend Janet who was completely broken by anxiety and fear about her disease. The other half of the time, Carla was in a sort of war-room planning countermoves to reject the hostile take-over. By five in the afternoon, she was simply exhausted. She had excused herself and locked herself in the bathroom,

gasping for air as she was almost panicking, on the verge of being crushed under a mountain of stress.

At that moment, after a deep breath of realization, Carla thought back to the stressful times at college and the rest of her life when smoking a cigarette had always helped her relax. Unable to shake that thought out of her head, Carla picked up her handbag and rushed out of the office in desperation. She ran across the street to the nearest store where she bought a pack of full-flavored Salem 100’s and a lighter. Without even blinking, as soon as she was outside, she lit up a cigarette, and then for the next ten minutes, she chain-smoked three in a row. She was frantically trying to regain composure and to hoping to clear her head.

For the next few days, Carla had tried to keep her smoking a secret at home. Hiding her deeds with plenty of chewing gum and body spray. She was utterly ashamed of her return to cigarettes. But as often happens, it seemed that her body wanted her to make up for the almost two years of nicotine deprivation. She was already smoking more than before quitting.

Carla was finding it increasingly difficult to find reasons to limit her smoking to the same half-pack level she used to smoke, as her body constantly craved more nicotine, as if it never had enough. With the stress she was under, Carla was feeling almost continuous cravings to smoke, and it was proving impossible for her to find excuses not to.

Finally, one evening after dinner, looking down at her half empty plate, she was cross that the potatoes did not taste quite right, and the waterworks started. Shameful tears pouring down her cheeks clogging her eyes, Carla had confessed to Bill, Sarah, and Danny that she was smoking again.

“I’m so sorry. I feel so ashamed. I can’t imagine what you must think of me…” Carla sobbed. “But right now, the stress I am under at work is killing me…I need to smoke, or I will go crazy!”

Sarah watched in an equal state of disbelief and envy as her Mum pushed her plate back, dug into her handbag and quickly placed an all-white Salem between her lips. The loud click as she flicked the lighter and began dragging as hard as she had ever seen her do. Carla’s cheeks collapsed under the fierce suction that made the freshly lit cherry on the cigarette burn brightly as her mouth amassed a colossal amount of smoke.

That initial drag lasted for no less than four seconds after which Carla opened slightly her mouth, let a creamy, thick wisp of smoke linger momentarily in front of her lips before she snapped it back in, pulling it all down through her windpipe towards the very bottom of her lungs. Her breast rose as her chest expanded to make room for all that strong smoke, and Sarah was astounded by the look of relief and satisfaction that was painted on her Mum’s face. Carla held the smoke in her lungs for as long as she could, concentrating on the relaxation that was spreading from within her chest.

Naturally, Carla had a lot of explaining to do, but Bill and the kids didn’t give her too much of a hard time. They could understand the particular situation and although deeply surprised, there wasn’t much they could do about it.

“What do you think, Sarah? Are you disappointed in me?” Carla finally asked her daughter.

Sarah didn’t know how to respond. Deep down, she was thrilled about her Mum’s relapse, but could of course never confess that. On the other hand, she couldn’t sound too hard either, because she absolutely didn’t want to give her any suggestion to try quitting again.

“Err Mum, I don’t know what to say. I never imagined seeing you light up a cigarette again ever, that’s for sure!” Sarah fumbled after a moment of indecision, smiling at herself for actually giving a truthful answer.

Danny, who was going through a classic teenage grumpy period, simply commented with an annoyed “…Whatever…” while Bill smiled mischievously to himself at the situation.

One could have imagined that Bill wanted to leverage his wife’s unexpected relapse to go back to his beloved Marlboros in no time, but he did not do any such thing. He had to admit to himself that since quitting he had noted drastic improvements in his taste, smell, breathing and overall physical condition. Despite how much he missed at times smoking a cigarette, he had to acknowledge that he was better off without. Especially knowing that he used to smoke around 40 a day, he was in no hurry to return to the same terrible pattern. He had endured and suffered through

too much pain when he had quit to give it all up now that his cravings had receded to much manageable levels.

Instead, shortly thereafter, he used Carla’s coming out to justify his decision to invest in proper bar furniture as he called them. Sarah and Danny both thought that their parents were having a midlife crisis. In a corner of the living room, Bill installed oak shelves where to display a large array of bottles, magnified by mirrors on the wall. He added a small bar counter to store glasses, shakers, and tools for mixing drinks and, most importantly inside it he hid a wine cooler for more expensive wine bottles and a humidor for the cigars he began buying.

So almost overnight life changed again. Carla was now working her way into a stronger than before smoking addiction, and Bill started enjoying smoking the occasional cigars. He managed to discipline himself to regard them as special treats for weekends and special occasions only. Certainly, his wife’s daily smoking was alluring to him, but he never let it get under his skin. He couldn’t help but enjoy seeing the extra weight slowly drop from Carla, who was quickly regaining her statuary look again, and he loved getting aroused by looking attentively at her beautiful smoking style. But incredibly, he never let himself fall back into smoking cigarettes again, not even for a solitary drag off his wife’s cigarettes.

Chapter 3 – The die is cast

Sarah was surprisingly deeply affected by her Mum’s passionate return to smoking. The familiar smell in the room, she very quickly realized that she could no longer be that good girl and continue not actually experimenting with smoking. Carla was smoking with such renewed ardor and watching the delight on her face as she smoked at home, rubbed to the ground Sarah’s already hardly contested inner balance. The battle between the desire to try smoking and her high moral constraints which she now felt like they actually caged her. Every time Sarah saw her Mum inhale elegantly and hungrily, she felt distinctly how she moved closer to the point where she would not be able anymore to refrain herself. It was as if Sarah’s interest and curiosity towards smoking grew symbiotically with her Mum’s refueled habit. Sarah knew she needed to keep watching attentively at her smoking Mum. It was as if she were equally addicted to observing Carla smoke, as she was to the idea of smoking.

Sarah felt the situation was spiraling out of control at increasing speed and began seriously wondering where she could get cigarettes. Whilst easy to execute, the idea of stealing from her Mum’s packs was quickly discarded. The thought of being discovered was terrifying and she considered the risk of getting caught too high. One problem she had was that Carla rarely left unattended packs anywhere, and she was quite methodical, she never opened more than one pack at a time. That open one she kept with her or in her purse almost all the time.

Additionally, Sarah had no intention whatsoever to let anyone of her friends know about her intentions to try smoking. She couldn’t imagine just asking Julia or another of her girlfriends to let her try a cigarette. Sarah was still proud to be officially a nonsmoking healthy girl, and she intended to let it be that way.

For some reason, she was too ashamed to come out in the open, and even confessing her thoughts and desires to her best friend Julia seemed unthinkable to her. She wanted to maintain her inquisitiveness and make it her very guarded secret.

Therefore, she concluded, the only remaining option for Sarah was to buy a pack of cigarettes on her own.

But also buying cigarettes at a store was a problem. When Carla’s smoking habit restarted, Sarah was still a few painstakingly long weeks away from

her 18th birthday. She couldn’t be sure that she wouldn’t be carded if she showed up at a random cigarette shop and asked for a pack, even though she knew that some of her friends bought cigarettes from places that would sell to underage teens. At this time, she considered those same places to be off-limits for her because she had been with them on some occasions, so she could potentially be recognized by the staff, or – even worse – she could be seen there by a friend of hers. Plus, she was a good girl.

Sarah felt trapped. She had got herself into a stalemate situation. She kept daydreaming about the day she would actually try smoking. The desire to do it kept growing accordingly almost with every cigarette she watched her Mum smoke. A Few weeks after Carla’s outing, there was no doubt in Sarah’s mind anymore that she must try smoking, but she still needed to muster the courage to go through with it.

Eventually, after what felt like an eternity, Sarah turned 18. The new school year had begun, the last one at high school. After spending a great deal of her spare time on careful reconnaissance missions and almost military style planning, Sarah had decided that she would buy a pack after school from a store adjacent the central bus station. It was clearly a run- down establishment, but she did not care. What was important to her was that it sold cigarettes and it was still at reasonable walking distance from school but out of the usual patterns of her friends and peers, and lastly it was almost always open.

So that very Tuesday was the day Sarah had decided that she would finally buy her very own pack of cigarettes. She had no clue about what brand to buy, so she decided to simply copy most of her friends who smoked Marlboro Lights. Since she didn’t have any personal experience on which to base her choice, why complicate the matter? However, Sarah hoped that the store would carry the longer variant because she liked the look of her Mum’s longer cigarettes compared to the shorter ones that the majority of her girlfriends smoked.

As she was about to enter the store after the short walk, Sarah was so nervous that she felt like her knees could collapse. under her own weight. Having left school and walked at frantically high pace, she was now sweaty, and the momentary stress surge made her stomach felt weird. She

cursed herself for being so silly, knowing perfectly well that no one in the store cared about whether she bought a pack of cigarettes or not. She was 18 and would not break any laws. Nobody there knew her, and nobody there had any interest in her. But that knowledge didn’t give her any comfort.

She approached the counter and was relieved that she was alone in the store.

“Hello.” Sarah said friendly to the clerk noticing how dry her mouth was and how difficult it was to control her tongue, as if she had momentarily forgot how to control her own body and speech.

Since the clerk didn’t even bother to look up from the worn-out paper he was reading, Sarah continued.

“A pack of Marlboro Lights, please.”

‘Shit! I forgot to say I wanted the long ones…’ Sarah thought but the clerk’s voice interrupted her worries.

“Soft or hard pack?” He asked still without making any eye contact, looking unfriendlily annoyed.

“Oh…it doesn’t matter…hard.” Sarah fumbled before deciding that a hard pack would probably do a better job at safeguarding her cigarettes.

“Short or long ones?” The clerk asked again with a monotonic tone of voice. Hadn’t Sarah been stressed to her limits, she would have thought quite bad of him and of his service, but that day she had other cats to skin.

“Long please.” Sarah answered with conviction, happy that she had the opportunity to rectify her initial mistake.

While the clerk mechanically stretched his arm to grab a hard pack of Marlboro Light 100’s from the shelf, Sarah placed a bill on the counter to expedite the process, now her mind and body screaming almost in panic for her to leave that store.

Sarah grabbed the pack with her trembling right hand and immediately thereafter she picked up the change with the other. Without even putting

away her purchase nor the money, she fled the store using all her self- control to avoid running. Once outside, she sighed noticeably and realized that she had almost not breathed all the while she was inside. Gasping for air like after a run, Sarah felt her face blushing as if on fire, while pearls of sweat were forming on her forehead.

She tossed cigarettes and money in her school bag and walked away trying to relax and regain control. Her bus stop wasn’t too far away, and she sat down on a bench to wait for the next bus to take her home.

Now a bit calmer, she kept opening her bag and peaking inside, just looking at her pack of cigarettes tucked at the bottom. Every glimpse gave a rush of adrenaline and euphoria that made her smile. She stood there and could feel her heart beating just as hard as if she had run for an hour straight. She thought it had been ridiculous of her to react so strongly in the store, but she didn’t care anymore.

‘Mission complete!’ Sarah thought, unable to stop staring at the pack, dreaming of getting an opportunity to try them.

Chapter 4 – Waiting for a chance to smoke

Now that she had her own pack of cigarettes hidden behind old dusty school books inside her wardrobe, Sarah was desperate to find a suitable opportunity to finally try to give her long-grown curiosity some answers. Each day that passed, watching her Mum indulge in an endless stream of smoke, with ever more cigarettes made her own anticipation go through the roof.

Sarah was firmly determined to smoke on her own, away from anyone. She absolutely did not want to let anyone know about her intentions or be part of her planned smoking experiments. She knew that this limited her opportunities to try smoking. It meant that she needed to do it at home when no one else was around for enough time to give her sufficient margins of safety.

At night, when Sarah was certain that her parents and brother were asleep, she would crawl as quietly as possible out of her bed to recover the pack from its hiding place and she would sit at her desk using only her reading light to study tirelessly the precious pack of Marlboros, flipping it back and forth. She even got a thrill from holding her pack. It made her heart pound wildly in her chest and her breath was short from the excitement.

‘It’s so light, yet firm…’ Sarah observed, carefully squeezing the pack in her hands.

She appreciated the gold graphic on the pack and each time she read the text on each side of the pack. Sarah always lingered on the declared contents for each cigarette.

‘Nicotine: 0.8 mg – Tar: 10 mg’ She read carefully trying to work out what that meant.

For reasons she could not understand, just reading how much nicotine and tar each and every cigarette was going to deliver to her lungs made her tingle. The excitement of actually smoking one was unbearable, it was practically tying a knot in the pit of her stomach. She felt warmth spreading from inside her and her excitement peaking.

Those numbers in black and white quantified statistically the illicit and dangerous actions she was fully determined to carry out. She was going to

deposit highly addictive nicotine and destructive tar into her chest just as soon as she had the slightest of opportunities.

The days passed and Sarah was growing increasingly impatient. The excitement she always felt when playing with her pack became quickly difficult to tame. At one point, she decided to at least unwrap the plastic foil and open it.

‘At least it will be open and ready when I have an opportunity to smoke!’ She rationalized.

She experienced a rush of emotions once she looked at the 20 cigarette filters tightly packed inside. Her heart was thumping, and her happy feelings were indescribable. Acting on a sudden impulse, Sarah lifted the pack just under her nose to smell them. She was surprised by the fragrance coming from the tobacco leaves. It was completely different than the potent smoking smell. This aroma wasn’t bad at all.

A few nights later, again seated at her desk, while holding the opened pack, Sarah felt the irresistible urge to pull one out. She had the urge to feel a cigarette between her fingers. She could not hold herself back any longer.

Annoyed, with her nervous trembling fingers, she awkwardly but gently pulled out a single cork cigarette. She was taken aback by how delicate and weightless it felt. She smelled it and practiced

holding it between her index and middle fingers. She had observed her Mum for so many years that she knew how to do it properly and elegantly. Sitting at her desk, Sarah imagined the cigarette being lit and tried holding it by her side with her cocked elbow resting just above her hip, just as she had seen her Mum doing it thousands of times at the kitchen table.

It was so exciting holding the contraband of a cigarette that she actually felt becoming aroused by the thought of actually smoking it. Her thoughts screamed with all her body and mind for an opportunity to materialize soon. She could not wait any longer, for each day that passed, she was becoming more desperate.

As an alternative strategy, Sarah began to ponder whether she could instead find a secluded hiding place outside her house, anywhere where she could be in private and alone. However, living in a city made it

practically impossible to think of any such place that would not involve remote and potentially dangerous locations at night, which she reckoned would be impractical.

So, being the good and responsible girl that she was, Sarah waited and waited.

The weeks passed without any chances to finally try smoking one of her cigarettes. As such Sarah decided that she needed to leave the cigarettes alone in their secluded hiding place, mostly because openly flirting with the inanimate object was driving her crazy with anticipation.

For the first two nights it actually worked. When Sarah went to bed, she made it a mission not to give in to the temptation to go grab the pack and keep on toying with it and breathing in the aroma of its incredibly sinful content. Sarah distracted herself by reading a book she was working on as part of an assignment at school until she was barely able to keep her eyes open and then fell asleep quickly enough.

But her dreams were often filled with smoking references. She dreamt of watching her Mum smoke, or of getting caught with her cigarettes, or of opening her wardrobe and discovering in horror that the pack was gone. Basically, her mind was locked on the idea of smoking a cigarette, and nothing seemed to be able to distract her from it.

During the day, Sarah was like a hawk, studying as carefully but unobtrusively as possible whenever Carla would light up. Sarah was now completely and utterly envious of her Mum who could happily smoke as much as she liked, to her heart’s content. This made her feel almost desperate not being able to experience what her Mum obviously enjoyed.

The thought of confessing her curiosity for smoking to Carla had actually crossed her mind. Sarah had on several occasions rehearsed a sensible sit- down conversation where she asked her Mum about smoking and for permission to try just a single cigarette.

Naturally, Sarah knew that it was only a mind-game fueled by her frantic eagerness. In reality, she knew that Carla would be extremely disappointed and probably get mad at her instead of understanding and encouraging like in her day-dreaming scenarios.

After a few further frustrated days and what seemed long nights, Sarah was back to her nightly teasing play with her cigarettes. The game of which kept on evolving, first introducing taking fake drags from an unlit cigarette and later standing in front of the full-size mirror on that hung on the back of her bedroom door. It was there where she could now watch herself as she pretended to be just like her mom, and smoke.

The first time Sarah stood in front of the mirror, she was so uncomfortable and scared of what she would see, that she barely had the courage to look back at her own reflection. She thought about

her Mum who always looked good with a cigarette between her fingers. She assumed that she would too.

Sarah could not help but blush intensely from only looking at herself standing a few steps away from the mirror and holding the unlit Marlboro Light 100 in her hand. The sight was also immensely exciting and surprisingly arousing.

She shivered and shocked herself as her nipples popped out hard through her nightie. She could barely dare to look at herself as she placed the filter between her lips and mocked a drag like her mum always did. The more she repeated the gesture, the less alien the view became until Sarah was completely fixated, almost incapable of walking away.

Sarah smiled. She agreed with her thoughts. She looked amazing with a cigarette between her fingers.

Sarah stood there in front of the mirror, very excited. Compared to her Mum, Carla, she had long and thick caramel-brown slightly wavy hair that she often pulled into a glam textural ponytail. Sarah preferred pulling her ponytail high up on her head, but regardless of how much she tried, it always made thick strands fall forward and hang at the sides of her face. Sarah found them annoying, but in reality, they framed her beautiful face, already embellished by her deep green eyes and the freckles on her cheeks and cute snub nose. Her heart shaped lips were soft and looked full even without any lipstick.

In other words, Sarah was outright stunning. She hadn’t inherited the same small chest that most women in Carla’s lineage seemed to have, flaunting

instead marvelously full and soft breasts. However, the one trait that Sarah envied from her Mum was her height, although to anyone else the slight height disadvantage compared to Carla made very little difference in her statuary appearance.

Sarah was conscious of her good looks, and she was aware of all the attention she received from the guys at school and in town. But she never behaved pretentiously or arrogantly, being instead always courteous and well-mannered. She was a good girl, who always tried her very best and wanted to do the correct thing, probably also because she felt compelled not to cause any problems to her parents.

However, there Sarah was, in the middle of the night in her own bedroom, back lit by her desk light standing in front of her mirror in her pj’s with an unlit cigarette between her index and middle fingers. The contrast between her perceived self-image of the good girl and the reflection of a potentially naughty young woman in the mirror was unsettling and disturbing. But there was no denying that the look of almost sexy mischief she saw in the girl in the mirror excited Sarah immensely.

Already before she even tried her very first puff, Sarah yearned for the surge of overwhelming emotions that were provoked by the view of her reflected smoking self. Sensations that made every fiber in her body tingle with excitement. Over the next few days, Sarah repeatedly returned to her mirror each night, with an unlit cigarette between her fingers. Each time becoming less embarrassed to watch herself. Over time, she became comfortable enough to play with the cigarette, just pretending as if it were lit. She loved taking fake drags from it and pretending to force the grey cloud of her exhales from her lungs, mentally visualizing the smoke crossing the bedroom as she had seen her Mum do countless of times. She practiced holding the cigarette in her hand in different positions, along her body or cocked on her side to keep the cigarette closer to her face. It was a

game that Sarah learned to enjoy but that never even came close to satisfying her curiosity towards smoking. Instead, it intensified her desire and determination to actually try smoking.

Sarah had no doubts anymore that she wanted to fulfill her desires. Day by day, all her doubts and concerns were washed away. She simply needed to do it. She needed to smoke cigarettes.

Chapter 5 – Experimentation begins

Thanks to her brother Danny, an opening to the possibilities for Sarah to smoke finally materialized.

Both Sarah and Danny were active teenagers and over the years tried various different sports. Sarah’s first real interest had been tennis, but in her early teen years she had lost a bit of her spark and had moved on to playing volleyball instead. An annoying back muscle injury that kept her from playing tennis for a while. Once the muscles were fine again her doctor had suggested to her to consider some other sport that would load more evenly the right and left sides of her body. Sarah had then chosen to give volleyball a try, mostly because several of her girlfriends played.

Danny began playing tennis to copy his older sister. He was back then in those early ages when he just simply looked up at Sarah and wanted to do everything she did. Sarah was for him the idol. When Sarah quit playing tennis though, Danny had spent enough time on the court to develop a personal interest and had become good friends with his team-mates. It was easier without his big sister around, so he kept playing tennis anyway.

Truth to be told, Danny was also an excellent player, far better and more interested than Sarah ever was, which also contributed to making that decision.

A few weeks into the school year, the new tennis training season started in earnest with two weekly practice sessions in the late afternoon on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Danny was still too young to get himself across town to the sport center on his own, he therefore very much relied on mum’s taxi for transportation. On training days, Carla begrudgingly needed to get back from work a bit earlier. It was not too much of a hassle to accompany her son to the hour-long training sessions. Once there, since the drive was almost half an hour long, she preferred staying onsite during the practice and taking care of work phone calls and emails on her phone.

Sarah’s volleyball season was also beginning, and she had scheduled three training days: Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Her practices were later in the evening, so Sarah ate an early dinner to have time to digest the food a bit before riding her bike the short distance to the volley court.

With a tsunami of excitement that she could hardly conceal, Sarah immediately realized that her brother’s training schedule finally provided her with the chance to experiment with smoking that she had longed so badly. With much contemplation she reckoned that she could have up to two windows of opportunity a week where she would be home alone for a couple of hours if not more, when her Mum drove Danny to tennis.

Since the announcement was made that Danny was going back to training, Sarah was desperately waiting for that first Tuesday afternoon to arrive and couldn’t believe how slowly time was moving. Monday took forever. When Tuesday finally came, Sarah felt like time stood still at school and when she finally arrived home, she practically spent the afternoon in her bedroom staring at the clock on the wall, counting the seconds before her Mum would arrive home to drive Danny to his tennis practice.

“Have you prepared your bag?” Sarah growled at Danny around mid- afternoon, having severe difficulty to maintain a normal tone of voice that wouldn’t give away her agonizing anxiety.

“Yeah…” Danny replied annoyedly without looking away from the TV. “Why do you care!?”

“I just want to make sure that you don’t forget so that Mum doesn’t have to wait for you since she’s coming home early from work only to drive you to tennis…” Sarah tried to explain, hoping that she sounded convincing enough.

“Oh! Leave me alone! I’m not a baby anymore. I can take care…” Danny barked at his sister. In the middle of his teen years, he was not looking up at Sarah anymore with the same admiration and idolatry, so he found it hard to accept his sister’s interference and lack of respect.

‘Why does Sarah have to act like my mother! Doesn’t she have better things to do?’ He wondered without actually commenting so Sarah could hear. Danny was always short-tempered when Sarah openly treated him as a child, but he could never imagine that this time his older sister’s motives were way more mischievous.

Of course, in any other situation, Sarah wouldn’t have cared less about her little brother’s preparations, but that day she couldn’t wait a second longer than necessary to be left alone at home.

She was so nervous and anxious about what she was about to do that she had to go several times to the bathroom because even her stomach was uneasy from the stress. She appeared from the bathroom right before when she expected Carla to arrive. Sarah checked the time for the millionth time on her wristwatch and could see her hand shaking. She decided to keep hiding in her room pretending to be busy with some schoolwork to avoid risking that her Mum could sense that something was not right.

Sarah was trying to read her notes from earlier in the day at her desk. Shortly before 5 pm, her heart skipped a beat and she jumped on her seat when she heard the front door close and her Mum call for Danny.

“Danny? Are you ready? We need to go right now! The traffic is mad…” Carla shouted at Danny as she flicked her cigarette out.

“I’m coming! I’m coming!”

“Sarah? We’ll be back around half past seven…OK?” Carla shouted up from the hallway, still standing next to the front door with an ever-present post work burning cigarette in her hand which was her second since leaving the office. She was full well knowing that it would not be possible to smoke in the car with Danny. That was one rule that Carla still obeyed strictly, but it was so hard for her, especially when the traffic was as chaotic and stressful on those late afternoons.

“Sure. No problem…” Sarah replied from her door. She was now visibly shaking with anticipation, and she was sweating and blushing as she waited for the house to empty.

“DANNY!!!” Carla shouted again with smoke bursting from her mouth punctuating each word. “I’m here. Chill, Mom…”

‘OH! COME ON! CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE ALREADY!!!’ Sarah screamed in her mind as she listened to the noises coming from outside her room, almost holding her breath.

“Ok, let’s go…!” Sarah heard her Mum say to Danny. And then she bellowed up the stairs. “We’re leaving now. Bye Sarah!”

“Bye!” The grinning Sarah replied, with her heart now pounding so hard that she almost had difficulty swallowing.

As the front door slammed shut and the house momentarily shook, Sarah instantly jumped on her feet and feeling at sixes and sevens went straight to her wardrobe to retrieve her pack of cigarettes. Standing there looking at the books that were hiding them, before doing anything, she felt that she needed to dash to the toilet one more time as her stomach was totally upset. She tried to collect herself and splashed a little fresh water on her face and drank a bit, which seemed to help calm herself down.

Coming out of the bathroom her legs felt weak and wobbly, she was practically unsecure on her steps. But at this point in time there was nothing that could have held her back from finally trying to smoke a cigarette. It was the moment that she had been planning for months, and almost waiting for, for years.

Since Carla had been all day at work, Sarah noticed that the house didn’t smell anymore of the smoke from her Mum’s morning cigarettes. She knew that it would have been an unreasonable risk however easy it would have been to just sit down in the kitchen table, put on the extractor and smoke there, as there wasn’t sufficient time to clean the air of her own smoke before Danny and Carla returned.

However, this wasn’t a surprise and Sarah had had plenty of time to plan for this eventuality. She grabbed her pack and headed outside. She went to the small shed behind the garage where the family stored most garden equipment. During the week it practically never happened that anyone went there, and the door and windows made very bad seals so there was a constant airflow through it that would take care of getting rid of the smoke.

Sarah had already done a detailed scouting mission to the shed the week before. She had even prepared there a little space where she now confidently placed next to her pack of Marlboro Light 100s, the lighter and ashtray that she had borrowed from the kitchen table. Due to the mix of anxiousness and fearful anticipation for what she was about to do, her fingers felt almost numb to the point that she had a little difficulty

extracting a cigarette. She placed the filter between her lips that were dry and sticky instead of being soft and moist as usual. In fact, her whole mouth was uncomfortably dry wishing that she had a glass of water with her. Conversely, her hands were again all clumsy and clammy, and even though she was in a cold damp shed, she was sweating.

Amongst the dried grass and oily equipment smell of the shed, Sarah could just about smell the fragrance of the unburned tobacco as the cigarette dangled from her lips. She could still hardly believe that she was finally going to light up and smoke. She picked up the lighter when a final doubt crossed her mind.

‘Am I really going to do this?’ Sarah asked herself. ‘Is this really what I want to do?’

“YES! Let’s do this! I’ve waited far too long.” She answered aloud as to finally convince herself.

Holding the lighter in her right hand, Sarah’s thumb flicked it without problems and brought the flame to the end of the cigarette which she held steady with her other hand. But it didn’t light up correctly. Even though she had spent months intensely studying her Mum and friends as they smoked. Sarah was now very much in such a stressful and emotional situation. The confusion meant that she didn’t remember to suck on the filter to get the cigarette properly lit.

Instead, she removed it from her lips and watched puzzled as the smoke died on the blackened tip. She tried a couple more times with similar results.

“Why doesn’t it work?” She asked herself.

Sarah closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm down and concentrate. She knew she had all the information, she just needed to wash stress, anxiety, and confusion off her brain. She had seen her Mum light up hundreds if not thousands of times and eventually she made the connection.

“I need to suck on the cigarette! I’m so stupid…” She nervously laughed.

Sarah placed the cigarette back into her mouth and tried lighting it up once more, but this time she applied a gentle suction through the filter as the flame was close to the tip. In amazement, she saw the flame bend towards the cigarette, and she heard the tobacco flakes crackle as they were ignited. She saw curls of smoke rise from the now burning tip and a pungent odor suddenly pervaded her nostrils as a warm and bitter substance started filling her mouth. She removed the cigarette and blew the smoke out.

She was jubilant to have succeeded. ‘I did it! I’m smoking!’ She thought.

Sarah looked at the cigarette which she held elegantly between her index and middle fingers. Practicing in front of the mirror for weeks was paying off since at least she was quite comfortable at handling the cigarette. She was amazed at the look of it in her hand, the smoke trailing upwards from its burning tip. Sarah felt sophisticated and grown up.

In the excitement of the moment, she hadn’t even thought about the taste in her mouth, but as the satisfaction of having succeeded at lighting up settled, she began concentrating on her mouth and tongue. She knew very well the fragrance that emanated from her Mum’s cigarettes when she lit up. It was a smell that Sarah perversely liked, but the smell in the shed was nothing like it.

She moved the cigarette back to her mouth for another tentative puff, this time with the intention of putting some thought into the experience. She again felt her mouth fill with smoke and was immediately taken aback by the horrible, acrid foul taste as it hit her tongue. Sarah removed the cigarette quickly and blew all the smoke out, making a disgusted grimace in the process.

Sarah was sitting there staring at the burning cigarette and was genuinely disappointed. Based on the tales from her friends, she had expected that smoking wouldn’t feel and taste nice from the start. After all, she had overheard many of her friends mention that it was an acquired taste, but those first puffs were much worse than she imagined and left her really disgusted.

‘How can Mum really do this all the time?’ Sarah wondered looking at the cigarette smoldering between her stretched fingers. ‘It’s bloody awful!’

Naturally, having waited and yearned for this opportunity for such a long time, Sarah wasn’t ready to give up just yet. She took a deep breath in preparation, smelling the cigarette smoke that was filling the shed, and exhaled air. The force of her breathing out twisted the smoke around in front of her face. She raised the cigarette to her lips and took another small puff, this time trying to hold the smoke in her mouth for longer, imagining that maybe that could have some effect. But in a matter of few seconds, the dreadful bitter taste in her mouth had become utterly unbearable and she soon breathed it out.

She tried puff after puff, hoping for the experience to get any better, but it never did. When she finally crushed the cigarette out in the ashtray, Sarah was both sad and confused. The long wait for this very opportunity to try smoking had allowed her to build up sky-high expectations. Looking at her Mum when she smoked at home, had cemented in Sarah’s mind the idea that Carla found the experience pleasurable. She could see it on her face when she almost reluctantly exhaled long cones of smoke. Her mum clearly loved what she perceived as holding the smoke in her mouth. She could see it on her Mum’s whole body as it seemed to relax when she smoked a cigarette. She could see it in the eagerness in the morning when she had been around her Mum to see her light up what she perceived to be her first cigarette of the day.

Sarah could only observe on her Mum that she found smoking enjoyable and gratifying. For all the grumbling and bitter complaining, she clearly loved it. And yet, for Sarah, after extinguishing that first cigarette, she couldn’t find a single thing that was positive. Everything was horrible with smoking. The smell, the bitter taste. It was genuinely revolting.

Except there was one small part. She loved looking down at her hand. The fashionable and elegant look of the long cigarette as it burned in between her fingers. Sarah couldn’t explain it, but there certainly was something alluring in the visual aspect. It was fascinating.

But with a head full of disappointment, Sarah grumpily returned to her room and washed her teeth and gargled mouthwash, then washed her face to get rid of some of the smoke smell. She didn’t need to be too precise, since she often had smoke smell on her when returning home from school since she hung out with her smoking friends Her parents were used to it now, so she figured she didn’t need to exaggerate in freshening up.

Then she sat down at her desk, flipping the lid of the pack of Marlboros back and forth, 19 filters were now there. She was frustrated with herself. The buildup, the excitement. All crumbled. The experiment had definitely not gone the way she imagined. In a moment of frustration and disappointment, she even contemplated throwing the pack away and forgetting all about it. But the nagging thought and excitement of trying to smoke bouncing in her head, she decided to hide the pack yet again in her wardrobe and give herself a bit of time to digest the experience.

Normality returned when Danny and Carla returned home, Sarah helped her Mum in the kitchen to prepare dinner. She had to chuckle to herself, as expected, smoking was not permitted in the tennis club lounge. Carla had been forced to abstain from smoking while waiting for Danny, only having a very quick one when walking from the car and another leaning against the car before the drive back home. Now at home it was obvious that she was feeling the need to replenish her starved lungs with the nicotine they screamed after.

Sarah sat there and watched as her Mum lighting up cigarette after cigarette, clearly desiring them and not showing any sign of disgust or dislike. Just how was it possible? She watched as Carla took her customary long drags, her cheeks caving inwards deeply as she sucked hard on her cigarette. Sarah was always amazed as Carla held the smoke buried in her lungs for several seconds, enjoying the momentary bliss that crossed her face, before exhaling it in long and controlled streams of bluish gray smoke.

Sarah was completely puzzled, and she urgently wanted to ask a million questions to her Mum, she needed answers but of course she did not dare to. But she decided that she must have done something completely wrong if her own experience had been so dreadful compared to the enjoyment and relief from every drag that was shown on her Mum’s face. She decided that she had come too far to give up already. There had to be more to smoking than she had discovered.

She needed to try it again.

Chapter 6 – Does the experimentation end?

Two days later and Thursday arrived, no sooner had the door slammed shut yet again, then Sarah returned to the shed. She again had waited impatiently, hiding in her room, for Danny and Carla to leave and then took her cigarettes, lighter and ashtray out to her private smoking hideout.

She had spent Wednesday when around her Mum, almost closely observing as she smoked and had clearly noted that she never took gentle drags. Sarah was willing to see if that could be the missing detail that would actually make smoking more enjoyable.

Although still very nervous, this time Sarah was not as panickily anxious as she hadn’t been feeling as queasy throughout the day, but she was still far from being calm and relaxed.

Confidently flipping the cigarette pack open and then extracting a new cigarette, as she slid it between her fingers, she noted that they were still trembling and that they didn’t feel as precise as they should have been. As two days prior, she placed the cigarette in the middle of her mouth and sealed her lips around the filter, she flicked the lighter and moved the flame close to the tobacco end of the Marlboro Light 100.

This time she knew to suck gently, and the flame caught the cigarette that was immediately and properly lit. The small drag filled her mouth once again with the horribly acrid smoke. With her left- hand fingers holding the cigarette, Sarah moved it away and blew out a goofy cloud of clearly uninhaled smoke.

Sarah frowned, “This still tastes as shitty as last time!” She muttered out loud as her heart sank while placing the lighter between the pack of cigarettes and the ashtray on top of the cardboard box she was using as table.

Sarah had gone as far as to count how long her Mum’s drags were and she knew that she only rarely dragged for less than three seconds. Her idea was to try at least copy her and see if it made any difference.

She returned the Marlboro to her lips and started pulling smoke through the filter while counting in her head, but already after one single second the horrid taste in her mouth and on her tongue was too intense for her.

Unwillingly, Sarah removed the cigarette and exhaled again.

‘No! That won’t do! I must take longer drags and hold them longer, as Mum does.’ She thought as she sampled the taste of smoke left on her tongue and sadly noticed no improvement.

Sarah sat there with her stubbornness and battled through that second cigarette, forcing herself to take longer drags and holding them as long as she could in her mouth. She persistently hoped that she would start to think better of the whole experience, but her untrained mouth was begging her for mercy from the foul-tasting pollutant. The more smoke she pulled from the cigarette, the more concentrated it sat in her mouth, amplifying the pungent sensation.

After ten minutes when she finally crushed her second cigarette in the ashtray, she had succeeded in taking a couple drags nearly two seconds long. She was also able to hold the smoke in her mouth for

a second or two before screwing her face up and spitting it out. Nothing she had tried had given her any better sensation. The only thing she was feeling was a significant buzz and lightheadedness, but Sarah still graded the experience as a failure. She was really puzzled but obstinately convinced that there had to be something that she was missing. Something that she needed to change and that would make smoking at least tolerable.

Over the weekend, she continued to monitor her Mum as closely as she dared, and then on the following Tuesday returned to her shed. Her stubbornness kicked in and she needed to continue her experimentation. She didn’t have any better clue than before, so she kept working on her drags and on holding the smoke for longer in her mouth. As a result, after crushing her fourth cigarette, she was able to take almost three seconds long drags and hold the smoke in her mouth for a few seconds, but not because she thought any good of it, but due to the repetition, her taste receptors had seemingly accepted to tolerate the vileness of smoke.

At this point, Sarah was really close to giving up. She was beginning to think that maybe smoking wasn’t for everyone, and that she might be one of those who would never smoke. There was one last thought. As she had held out for so long already, before giving up her experiment, she decided that at least she needed to see herself smoking a cigarette.

She still had the amazing and rather excitable memory of the sight of herself reflected in her bedroom mirror while holding a cigarette. She remembered all too well how elegant and sexy she thought she looked. From the very first time she had wondered how she would look if the cigarette had been lit. So, regardless of the taste, and before throwing in the towel, Sarah wanted to get at least one correct answer to the question.

On the subsequent Tuesday, when her Mum and brother left, she went straight to the small dresser next to the front door. Above it was a mirror that was simply hanging from a hook on the wall. It wasn’t a full-size mirror, but still large enough to give her a good view without being so large that she didn’t think she could handle and carry it.

Cautiously as not to give herself seven years of bad luck, Sarah lifted the mirror from its hook and carefully carried it to the shed. She spent a few of her precious minutes arranging some boxes so that she could place the mirror on top and give her a good view of herself from the waist up. It took time as she had to make few adjustments, but she finally got it nicely configured. Then she ran back inside, grabbed her cigarettes, lighter and ashtray and returned to the shed.

She placed herself on the seat she had made and smiled at herself. Then she watched carefully at her reflection while she extracted a cigarette and placed the filter between her lips. This part she knew well now, she had watched herself countless times in the bedroom. but now seeing herself doing it and knowing what was coming was very exciting and she could feel her heartbeat picking up. The anticipation had grown once again.

Sarah casually dangled the unlit cigarette between her lips while returning the pack to the cardboard table and picking up the lighter. Looking up and staring at her reflection she forgot to place her left- hand fingers around the cigarette and used instead her lips to direct the tip of the cigarette towards the flame that erupted from the lighter at the first flick.

She was locked in a trance and had completely forgotten to breathe normally.

To Sarah the view in front of her was hypnotizing. Time moved slowly as she watched her reflection in the mirror. Her hand moved and the flame inched closer and closer to the tip until it finally made contact and Sarah

began to drag on the cigarette. Previously, her first drag of smoke had been very

short, just sufficient enough to light the cigarette but nothing more. This time, instead, as she moved the lighter away, she was mesmerized by the twisting smoke and the hot cherry that was burning so brightly thanks to her drag. She dragged for three good seconds before finally moving the cigarette away from her lips. Her mouth was engulfed with pungent smoke, and she saw in the reflection how thick whisps of smoke began rising from her cigarette once her suction had stopped.

The view was incredibly exciting, and Sarah could hardly believe that the alluring girl in the mirror was actually her.

And then it happened.

For the last few moments Sarah had practically stopped breathing. Her lungs were suddenly gasping for air and as a reflex Sarah did what she would normally do. She opened her mouth and took a deep, decisive, quick breath as any person would do after holding her breath for a while. She never had time to reflect about the fact that at that moment her mouth was still completely filled with pungent smoke, which now rushed down her throat and invaded her virgin and pink lungs.

The shock was instant. Sarah’s eyes widened as she was surprised by the absolutely unexpected sensation. Uncertain about her next move, she realized quickly what had happened and felt a foreign warmth pressuring from inside her chest and the beginning of a powerful buzz build up. Amazingly she didn’t cough but stood still while assessing the situation until she realized that she needed to exhale. Afraid of what to expect, she began breathing out ever so carefully. She was amazed that at first, she didn’t see any smoke flow out of her lips. Then it started and grew in intensity and just kept coming in a seemingly infinite flow.

The acrid smoke tingled in the back of her throat, but she was able to control it just fine. Sarah had managed to inhale cigarette smoke for the very first time without suffering the proverbial coughing fits and understood immediately what she had been doing wrong the whole time.

With the feeling of success, Sarah now felt the lightheadedness increasing rapidly since her body was not prepared for the large dose of nicotine it had just received. Sitting there with the world almost spinning she now understood what those words and letters meant on the side of the pack.

The previous cigarettes she had smoked without inhaling any of the smoke had only marginally prepared her to the much more effectively intake of the noxious chemicals through the alveoli in her lungs.

She moved the cigarette from her left hand to the right one, and remained still for a moment, gazing at her reflection in the mirror, the smoke twisting and twirling in front of her, with the cigarette held high by her face in a pose she had practiced many times before. She smiled at herself. She looked amazing and she knew that the cigarette accentuated her image. Knowing that the gorgeous girl in the mirror had just bathed her virgin lungs with smoke filled with amazing nicotine and evil tar made the view inexplicably sexy and alluring.

Sarah was still euphoric and filled with pride for the unexpected discovery and was anxious to try it again. She knew what she had to. This time she knew what was expected of her and it frightened her a little. She moved the cigarette to her lips and took another deliberate drag. She watched the cigarette glow bright again in the dingy shed but didn’t have the courage to drag just as long as she just did.

‘Here goes nothing…’ She thought as she moved the Marlboro away after a two-second drag, opened her mouth and began breathing in the smoke.

The first time she had done it as a reflex, gasping for air after having held her breath for a while. This time however, she was very self-conscious and fully concentrated on the sensations in her mouth, throat, and windpipe. It all resulted in a much less confident inhale, which made the smoke scratch in the back of her throat and irritate her airways. Sarah tried to control the discomfort but failed and began coughing uncontrollably.

The smoke almost choked her as her body’s natural instinct was to fight and cough the foreign polluting substance out of her lungs. At each hacked cough, clouds of smoke spurted from her mouth and nose. Soon engulfing her head in a smokey cloud which she inhaled again each time breathed between hacking coughs. Sarah felt as if she had coughed for an hour

when she finally regained control. Tears were streaking down her cheeks falling from her watery eyes, and she was red in her face for the strain.

“Oh my God! That was awful!” She said out loud, not really understanding what had gone wrong. She rested the cigarette carefully in the ashtray and stepped outside the cramped shed. Sarah stretched her body and enjoyed the moment as she inhaled fresh air into her lungs as quickly as she could.

Those lungsful of fresh air helped greatly to both calm her airways and to clear her head from the nicotine buzz she was experiencing. She was a little bit alarmed, Sarah thought back to the cigarette she had left burning inside and chose to get back in to try again before she burned the shed down.

A thick haze of smoke lingered in the tight space and the pungent odor irritated Sarah’s nose and throat. She picked up the now half burnt cigarette and a bit clumsily de-ashed it in the ashtray. But she still felt the illicit excitement for her experimentation which was far greater than any of the discomfort she was currently feeling.

With her stare again intensely looking in the mirror, she observed herself locking her lips around the filter and once again taking a drag from the cigarette. She should have taken a short and careful drag, but there was no one there to teach her. She was having to learn from her own mistakes, instead, Sarah took yet another two-second drag, filling her mouth with another poisonous bounty of smoke. She felt distinctly its pungent and acrid taste on her tongue as she moved the cigarette away and prepared to inhale again.

The thought of having to endure another excruciating coughing fit scared her, but Sarah bravely opened her mouth and inhaled again. She felt the smoke being pulled down her throat and rushing down towards her lungs, where she felt it expand and fill her entirely from within. The sensation was amazingly clear, and it tingled, burned, and irritated her all at the same time. Sarah fought the urge to cough and thought she had succeeded until at the very last she gagged and screwed her face up and began coughing again.

Fortunately, this time the coughing wasn’t as bad as before, her lungs were prepared. But she still felt rather strange after it. So much so Sarah chose

to step quickly outside again, into the fresh air, remembering how it helped her to feel better the first time. Once outside, taking the oxygen into her lungs, she looked at her hand holding the burning cigarette, and was horrified to see that she had forgotten to place it in the ashtray. She looked alarmed around, afraid that she might have been spotted by a neighbor. Luckily the sight was clear, but she swiftly stepped back inside the shed, cursing at her sloppiness.

The quick break outside didn’t allow her to regain much composure and the overload of nicotine in her bloodstream was very much taking its toll on Sarah. She was feeling rather queasy, sweaty, and

cold. When she looked at herself in the mirror, she immediately noticed the pale greenish complexion on her face. She looked at the cigarette in her hand, now down to the last quarter.

“Okay, just one more drag!” She said out loud to herself, to give her the needed encouragement to take one more puff, to try to inhale once more and hopefully end the day on a high note rather than with the memory of painful coughing.

To give herself a bit more time to recover, she steadied herself in front of the mirror, stretched her back and cocked her right elbow on her side to support her hand so that it held the cigarette next to her face. This was the pose she liked the most, the one that looked more glamorous to her. Indeed, there was something really visually appealing in the girl staring at her in the mirror. Sarah could hardly believe that incredibly sexy girl was truly her.

’Let’s do this!!’ She commanded herself. ‘Let’s make this cigarette count!’

She took a deep breath and then moved the filter towards her lips for the final drag. Her slightly numb lips locked around the filter, and she started pulling dense smoke through the filter, observing with fascination as the tip again burned bright orange and the smoke that used to curl up seemingly stopped.

‘One…’ Sarah counted.

The bitterness and foul taste in her mouth grew rapidly, telling her that there was probably enough smoke in her mouth, but Sarah stubbornly kept dragging.

‘…two…’

Sarah wanted to replicate the type of drags her Mum did, and refused to remove the cigarette from her lips, despite the intense pungent sensation in her mouth, now even stronger since the cigarette was burning much closer to the filter.

‘….and three!’

Using her index and middle fingers, she moved away the short cigarette and held momentarily her lips sealed. She looked in the mirror as thick smoke began to curl from the burning front on the ending Marlboro and then focused again on her own face.

‘Go for it!’ She shouted in her mind.

Sarah pursed her lips as if she was going to say something, but then inhaled sharply, with as much conviction as she could muster. The dense fumes were pulled backwards, past her throat and down her windpipe towards her impotent lungs, that were suddenly engulfed in the noxious nicotine rich smoke.

Sarah felt the warm pressure explode inside her chest and she used all the self-control she had left to avoid coughing again. She held the smoke inside for a moment to make sure that the worst of the irritating and tingling sensation from the inhale had passed. Then began the process of expelling the smoke, but this time slowly. This seemed to have worked the first time so it was the best guess she could do. Little by little, smoke began to flow from her pursed lips, nicely backlit from the window behind her. Sarah had never seen so much smoke come out of her own lips and the exhale was still quite thick when she stopped it because she felt there wasn’t much air left in her lungs.

“I made it!” She shouted into the tiny shed, joyfully while smoke still tumbled from her mouth.

As to make sure she expelled all the smoke, Sarah took a deep breath and forcefully exhaled to totally empty her lungs and was impressed to see that by the end of the exhale there was more smoke flowing out of her. She repeated this a couple more times, until she could barely see any more of it.

Quickly, the excitement of having finally succeeded to properly inhale and exhale was replaced by a crashing wave of strong dizziness, and she suddenly felt very sick. She decided that her priority was to get out of the smoke filled shed as soon as possible, so she gathered her pack and hurried with unsteady steps back to her room where she almost passed out on her bed.

Chapter 7 – Experimentations shift a gear

Half an hour later, Sarah had regained full consciousness and felt quite fine again. She had never experienced anything like that, overwhelmed and overpowered by a sudden surge of illness and dizziness that had left her no choice but to lay down on her bed for a while. She was happy that her Mum and brother had not yet come home.

She tried standing up and detected that she still felt a bit unsteady, but she figured it was manageable. She still needed to cover all her tracks from her smoking experiment. With time going by she knew that she had to hurry up with it.

Sarah scampered downstairs to the shed and retrieved her stuff. She carefully returned the mirror to its original position in the hallway. Emptied the ashtray and cleaned it quickly, then she put back the lighter in its drawer in the kitchen. She noticed that the smell of smoke in the shed was still very strong, but she was confident that it would air out and disappear quickly. After all, barely anyone used to go to the shed at this time of year.

Then, after freshening up a bit, she laid down again to rest and read a book until dinner. But she had difficulties concentrating on what she was reading, having constantly to return back to previously read sentences as her mind wandered away on its own smoke-laden train of thoughts.

Sarah was amazed by the difference she experienced when inhaling the smoke compared to her first trials. The effect of the cigarette on her was incredibly powerful. The lightheadedness she felt after one single inhaled drag alone was much stronger than after smoking a whole cigarette without inhaling it. She lay there and wondered how her Mum could smoke cigarette after cigarette the way she did but assumed that the nicotine effect must wear off over time. So, she needed to go again. None of her friends at school seemed to be sick after each cigarette either so it was logical to assume that it was something that one either got used to or that disappeared after a while.

More importantly to Sarah was the sensation she felt on the two occasions she managed to inhale and exhale properly. That was a key point. Doing it

‘properly’, because getting overpowered by those coughing fits was absolutely dreadful.

However, feeling proud of herself, Sarah had successfully managed to inhale fully on two occasions and the sensation had been quite something. It all had to be down to the nicotine. She thought back at feeling the smoke rush down into her lungs, and the fullness when it engulfed her lungs. It had been such a strange sensation, like nothing else she had ever experienced. How could Sarah describe it? Was it like a sense of breathlessness? No, not really. It was like being able to actually feel her own lungs inside her chest. It was weird but looking back on it, the sensation was not unpleasant.

The taste in her mouth was also completely different than when she didn’t inhale. Not that it had suddenly become pleasant, but Sarah was willing to concede that it was not as utmost unbearable as it had been. When she didn’t inhale, the smoke had been so acrid and pungent that it simply devastated her taste bulbs. It stung her nose and was harsh in the back of her throat. Absolutely horrible. When she inhaled it instead, for some unknown reason, the smoke was less caustic and trying to think back, Sarah wondered if she hadn’t been able to spot some kind of flavor to it.

The more she thought back to her latest smoking experience, the more she was eager to try it again. Clearly, a very important discovery had been made that day and Sarah thought it was worth documenting it. She pulled her diary out and on a fresh page she wrote:

Date Cigarette Nic./Tar Total cigs. Notes
 Sep.19 ML 0.8/10 5 Inhaled 1st time. Got sick.

Sarah wasn’t sure why, but she felt it both important and exciting to keep track also of her consumption. She was quite sure that the list would become longer with time.

***

At school Sarah also observed that all her friends actually inhaled each and every single drag. How could such an important and evident detail have slipped from her? Some of her friends took deeper and longer drags, some

others only pulled very briefly on their cigarettes and the difference was of course visible in their subsequent exhales.

Sarah’s friend Julia was actually among those who took bigger drags. Sarah watched her closely during the lunch break on Wednesday and saw how Julia’s chest rose each time she inhaled the smoke from her cigarette. Sarah wondered if Julia took as big drags as her Mum did, but she didn’t think so. Among her friends, Julia was probably one of those who had a smoking style that at least could somehow remind her of her Mum’s.

Right, Sarah’s Mum.

Now that Sarah watched her smoke, she was really surprised that she hadn’t thought about inhaling from the start. It was so obvious, so apparent. Carla often let a thick, white, dense ball of smoke linger before her mouth for a moment and then snapped it back inside and Sarah could clearly see the smoke being sucked down. How could Sarah have missed all that after all the hours she had spent almost obsessively studying her smoke?

Whatever the reason, Sarah was happy that she had discovered the ‘secret art of smoking’ and rectified the problem. Who cared if the discovery had happened by mistake and if it had taken her a couple of weeks to find out. It was not a race. But it was a competition and Sarah was fully determined to match her Mum’s style in every aspect.

Sarah didn’t know, but most certainly thanks to the initial cigarettes that she had only puffed on, she had prepared herself and almost carefully eased herself up to the shallow step towards inhaling. Considering the fact that the first mouthful she had ever inhaled was quite sizeable, she was indeed lucky that she had given her body time to adjust a little to the sensation, smell, and taste of smoke.

Not surprisingly, the following Thursday, which could not come around quick enough, Sarah returned to the shed for another smoking session. Almost as if it were the first time, she was absolutely thrilled, eager to try inhaling again, and not wanting to miss any aspect of the show, she

brought the hallway mirror along with her. There was something wickedly alluring in watching herself smoke.

She placed herself accurately in front of the mirror, adjusting both her position and the mirror to make sure that the window behind would help her visualize and accentuate her exhales. Then she extracted her sixth cigarette from the pack and placed the filter firmly between her lips, and then excitedly watched as her hand brought the flame from the lighter to touch the tip.

Knowing what to do, she dragged gently and felt the expected bitter taste of smoke pervading in her mouth. After a quick drag, she closed the V formed by her left index and middle fingers and picked up the cigarette. With more anticipation than concern, Sarah parted her lips and inhaled.

The smoke rushed past the back of her throat and dived towards her lungs, and Sarah felt again that warm burning pressure in her chest. But the tingling irritation was much more controllable this time, also thanks to the more moderate inhalation she had taken. Comforted by the reassuring sensations, Sarah exhaled straight towards her reflection, engulfing the mirror in a cloud of smoke.

She knew what was coming and then felt immediately the nicotine beginning to spread through her bloodstream and hit the receptors in her brain. She loved the somewhat familiar buzz and lightheadedness starting to return. But even more, Sarah was exploding with triumphant excitement and didn’t waste time so her arm moved yet again and instantly dragged on the filter again. This time taking in a bit more smoke than before and with confidence rising inhaled hard. As such a small gag tried to unsettle her when the smoke hit her lungs, but it only lasted only a short moment and she suppressed it easily. Sarah felt that she was now in control.

For each drag that Sarah took from that cigarette, her fear and doubts diminished as if they were expelled together with the smoke she exhaled. Each time the filter returned to her lips Sarah dragged a little longer, knowing that she wanted to get to the same three-second drag she had managed to take the time before.

After six drags, the cigarette was now burnt half way down and she was feeling again very lightheaded. The effects of the nicotine were loud and clear. Sarah did not particularly like the annoying queasy sickness that was becoming difficult to withstand. She was now sweating again and felt cold

and numb. Thinking of her health she decided that she would take one final drag before quitting for the day.

She forced the exhale to empty her lungs of lingering smoke and then decided. She dragged for three full seconds. Then, with a challenging and provocative look towards her twin in the mirror, she inhaled sharply and felt the thick smoke hit her at the bottom of her lungs with force. But there was no gagging or coughing and after holding the smoke buried for a moment, Sarah began a long luxurious exhale that was accentuated in the mirrored view by the light flowing in from the window. The Sarah in the mirror was spectacular and she was thrilled to see herself finally smoking in a much more convincing way.

The momentary excitement of watching her smoke drift from her lips made her forget about the surging dizziness and nausea she was now feeling due to the amount of nicotine flooding in her system. When her legs started to feel weak and she began to feel wobbly and close to passing out, she dropped the remains of the cigarette in the ashtray, doing her best to extinguish it as quickly as she could. She would have preferred to return to her bedroom and crash on her own bed but made it barely to the couch in the living room, accepting the fact that she needed as a priority to lay down or if she was still standing with the world swirling, she would have soon puked.

Sarah really didn’t like the feeling of being sick but wanted to believe that she was now tolerating the cigarette better than two days before. Things had improved compared to when she had only managed to properly inhale twice. She was also relieved that she recovered quite quickly and less than half an hour later, she felt much better. She rose from the couch and hurriedly returned all the items from the shed to their original places.

She was having fun. It was incredibly alluring to her to finally being able to smoke properly, and no later than she had seen her Mum light up a cigarette that evening, as Sarah breathed in the remnants of the smoke in the air she began longing for her next opportunity.

In fact, over the next few weeks Sarah didn’t miss a single chance to smoke when Danny and Carla were off at the tennis court. After three weeks of smoking a cigarette each Tuesday and Thursday, Sarah was finally able to smoke and inhale an entire cigarette. She still got dizzy and

nauseous at the end, but the sickness feeling was far less intense for each cigarette she smoked. Her notes now stated:

Date Cigarette Sep.19 ML
 Oct.5 ML

Nic./Tar Total cigs. 0.8/10 5
 0.8/10 10

Notes

Inhaled 1st time. Got sick.
Full cig: 10 drags. NP inhaling. Less sick.

Chapter 8 – A new level

With every Tuesday and Thursday spent in the shed Sarah knew she soon needed to buy more cigarettes and that became more critical when she looked in and there were only 4 were left in her pack. She repeated the same route she had done before and returned to the same shop where she had bought the Marlboro Lights. Incidentally, there was the same unfriendly and disinterested guy at the counter. Sarah figured that he never looked at her the first time, so the chances that he might recognize her were practically zero.

‘Plus, why would I care if he recognized me?’ Sarah thought to infuse a bit more courage in herself as she lifted her head high as she walked in.

The second visit went exactly the same way as the first one. The clerk was equally cold and annoying, and Sarah had again the impression she might disturb him by choosing to bring her business to the shop. However, this time she didn’t buy a new pack of Marlboro Lights, wanting to try instead another brand that she had noted was popular among many of her girlfriends.

“A pack of Philip Morris Super Lights, please.” Sarah asked and added immediately. “The long ones.”

Once again, the clerk reached mechanically with his arm to grab a pack on a shelf behind him, placed it on the counter, took Sarah’s money and gave her the change. Impressively, all seemingly without looking at Sarah, nor the cigarette or the money she had put forward. Sarah wondered if he was actually human but was relieved that she didn’t need to have too much interaction. She was nervous anyway.

She was excited about her new purchase and couldn’t wait to actually try them on the coming Tuesday. In the meantime, as she had done before, that evening Sarah studied her new pack in the solitude of her room. She didn’t know much about cigarettes but thought it would be more fun

trying different brands rather than simply sticking to the same one. She quickly flipped the pack around, to see that the declared contents of the Philip Morris cigarettes were much lower.

‘Nicotine: 0.4 mg – Tar: 4 mg’ She read on one side of the pack.

Sarah wondered how much of a difference that would make and became even more anxious and eager to try them but had to wait until the next day.

When Tuesday afternoon finally arrived, Sarah didn’t think twice about opening her new pack. There were still a few Marlboro Lights left but she figured she could smoke them at any other time. As was now customary, she positioned herself in front of the mirror, opened the new pack and extracted the first Philip Morris cigarette. She placed it in the center of her lips and flicked the lighter, naturally not missing a single step in the reflected image in the mirror.

She still couldn’t believe how intriguing, alluring and frankly sexy she looked with the cigarette protruding from her lips. There was a mystique, an aura of magic that she never had seen before she had started to play with cigarettes. But it was the same appealing image that she had been drawn to when looking at her parents smoking. Frankly, staring at her reflection she could feel being slightly turned on.

The flame quickly reached its destination at the end of Sarah’s cigarette, and as the tobacco leaves crackled, she drew gently through the filter. The flame bent inwards, and the tobacco ignited, sending smoke through the cigarette into her mouth. Sarah felt instantly the difference compared to the Marlboro Light 100’s she had been experimenting with so far. The smoke from those Philip Morris was much less irritating in her mouth, it felt less dense, it didn’t affect her as much.

Sarah removed the cigarette and inhaled that first drag, again being surprised by the mellower overall sensation. Even the subsequent exhale was fainter, the smoke much less visible, even if highlighted by the window light coming from behind.

To make sure about the first impression, Sarah quickly returned the cigarette to her lips for another drag, making sure this time to take a longer one as she had been practicing. She could really tell that this cigarette was harder to puff on, she had to apply more suction through the filter since it seemed to oppose greater resistance. Yet, once more the sensation in her mouth once she moved the cigarette away was more diluted, and the same held true when she inhaled the smoke.

Her mind was alive to what was going on. ‘Wow, this is much easier!’ She thought while exhaling a long but thin plume through her lips, aiming over the head of her reflected image.

Usually, already after two drags she could notice the beginning of her nicotine-induced buzz, but with those much lighter cigarettes, she barely felt anything even after a third one. Sarah looked straight at the girl in the mirror and then took a purposedly bold drag, inhaled sharply, and smiled mischievously right before exhaling in tight cone that this time she directed downwards.

“I think I made a great choice!” Sarah said smiling to the girl in the mirror while holding up the cigarette in her hand, with bolstered confidence, still not feeling but a faint lightheadedness.

For the first time, not only was Sarah able to smoke an entire cigarette without feeling sick afterwards, but she did so by taking longer drags each time and was pleased that there was no need to take a short break to regain some composure.

Once she had put out the cigarette in the ashtray, she had no problem putting all things away and after freshening up she chose to lay down on her bed, not because she needed to, but because she

wanted to take a moment to appreciate the successful experiment of that day. She could barely wait for Thursday to come to try smoking all over again.

In her notes she wrote:
Date Cigarette Nic./Tar Sep.19 ML 0.8/10 Oct.5 ML 0.8/10 Oct.26

ML 0.8/10 Oct.31 PM-SL 0.4/4

Total cigs. 5
 10
16

17

Notes
Inhaled 1st time. Got sick.

Full cig: 10 drags. NP inhaling. Less sick. Always 3s drags. Light dizziness.
Easy to smoke. Great cig. No issues.

Naturally, on Thursday afternoon she smoked once more, and as the time before, it went flawlessly. Actually, without even her noticing, smoking those Philip Morris Super Light was making her increase the intensity of her drags. Not so much the length of them, as she had made it a routine to pull each time for about two to three seconds, but the suction was increasing as a reaction to the greater resistance that the filter of those lighter cigarettes opposed.

After three weeks and six of those cigarettes smoked, Sarah was not feeling any illness, buzzing or lightheadedness afterwards, but most interestingly her drags were now intense enough to cause her cheeks to collapse inwards. Now, she was also smoking her cigarettes faster and until way closer to the filter, taking many more drags from each one.

Suddenly, seeing that she had been in the shed for less than 15 minutes, as she had just crushed cigarette number 8 from her pack of Philip Morris Super Light 100s, a wild thought crossed her mind.

‘This cigarette went so fast, and I still have plenty of time before they come back home…’ Sarah said to herself. ‘I need to wait like five more days until next time…maybe I should smoke another one now.’ She mused as she twiddled the pack between her fingers.

She felt extremely naughty and self-conscious as she extracted yet another cigarette and lit it up. Amazingly, Sarah was able to chain smoke that second Philip Morris all the way, taking the same lengthy drags as with the first one, and only feeling marginally lightheaded at the end. However, her chest felt congested and heavy, but Sarah didn’t pay too much attention to it, thinking proudly that she had succeeded in imitating what her Mum did almost every morning at breakfast. To smoke two cigarettes in a row.

After a little less than a pack over a two-month period, Sarah had effectively reached a new level in her experimentation. She was no longer struggling with smoking and had stopped complaining to herself about the atrocity of the awful taste in her mouth at each drag, although she still didn’t think smoking was really that pleasurable. She was able to drags,

inhale and exhale quite comfortably with the light cigarettes she had tested so far.

But the big change was not having to fight her body with smoking and the dreaded potential coughing fits that she was getting with each cigarette. It allowed her to move her focus towards new goals, to wanting to try new styles or trying to mimic something she observed on other smokers. The first such achievement that was natural to many smokers, was indeed having smoked two consecutive cigarettes.

That very night, once she was sure everyone had fallen asleep, Sarah quietly got out of her bed and sat at her desk to update her smoking log as she felt the day’s achievement deserved remembering. She pulled out her diary and flipped through the pages until she found her growing table and wrote:

Date Cigarette Sep.19 ML
Oct.5 ML Oct.26 ML Oct.31 PM-SL Nov.16 PM-SL

Nic./Tar Total cigs. 0.8/10 5
 0.8/10 10
0.8/10 16

0.4/4 17 0.4/4 23

Notes

Inhaled 1st time. Got sick.
Full cig: 10 drags. NP inhaling. Less sick. Always 3s drags. Light dizziness.
Easy to smoke. Great cig. No issues. Smoked 2 cigs like Mum.

A couple of days later, another peculiar thing happened. It was Saturday night, and the Johnson family was having dinner, but a little nicer than usual. There was no particular reason to celebrate, but Carla and Bill liked to have nice food and drink good wine from time to time.

After dinner, Carla reached for her pack of Salem’s and almost grizzling noticed that she was down to the last cigarette. Thanks to a couple of glasses of red wine that she had been offered, Sarah’s judgement was a bit unpaired, and she watched a bit too carefully as her Mum lit up with a customary deep cheek-hollowing drag. Fortunately for Sarah, Carla was tipsier than her daughter and never noticed.

However, after inhaling the rich mentholated smoke to the deepest recesses of her lungs and having savored the wonderful relaxing sensation that spread from her chest as the nicotine worked its magic, Carla looked at Sarah.

“Sarah, please, would you mind go grab another pack of my cigarettes? I’m afraid that I shouldn’t try standing up just yet…” Carla giggled, throwing a lyingly sorry glimpse to her amused husband.

“Sure Mum…” Sarah replied, a bit surprised by the request.

“There’s a carton in the top cupboard, to the left of the fridge….” Carla shouted to her daughter who was already on her way.

‘I know!’ Sarah wanted to say, but of course she didn’t as if her knowledge of where her Mum kept her cigarettes could have been compromising for her. Sarah found the recently opened carton where her Mum had indicated and pulled a fresh pack from it.

‘Why is my heart pounding so hard?’ Sarah contemplated as there was a sudden rush of adrenaline through her body as soon as she had the pack in her hand. She was getting all worked up and excited just holding a pack.

The pack was not as square and boxy as hers. She knew already that her Mum’s didn’t have the same flip box top, but she had never before considered nor experienced the tactile difference in her fingers. She couldn’t resist the temptation to take a few moments to herself to study the pack, although terrified that someone could enter the kitchen at any moment and wonder what she might be doing.

She liked the feel in her hands, and she thought the colors were nice, but the graphic boring and not very appealing.

‘Menthol fresh’ She read on the label. ‘I wonder what it means…’

She flipped the box over and found the declaration of content.

‘Nicotine: 1.3 mg – Tar: 17 mg’ She gulped as she read it with a bit of shock.

‘If the Philip Morris Super Lights I’ve been smoking lately felt so much lighter than the Marlboro Lights, these must be much stronger!’ Sarah reasoned.

Amazingly, the second that thought had landed, a much more devious desire surfaced from the bottom of her stomach. She was getting aroused and incredibly curious to try them and compare.

“Did you find them, Sarah?” Carla asked loudly from the dining room, bringing Sarah back from her daydreaming.

“Yeah…sure…!” Sarah shouted back and walked quickly back to the living room, giving the pack to her Mum, who had already smoked more than half of her cigarette.

“Here you are, Mum.” The smiling and now excitable Sarah said softly.

For the rest of the weekend, Sarah’s stomach churned, and mind spun, she could not brush away the desire to try her Mum’s much stronger cigarettes. The idea of higher nicotine and tar levels was intriguing. The more she saw her light them up, the relief that crossed her mum’s face after exhaling, the more that desire grew and became stronger. Sarah didn’t want to risk taking a pack or even a cigarette from Carla but decided that she would return to her trusty shop on Monday.

Chapter 9 – Mum’s cigarettes

The idea of buying a new pack of cigarettes, the same brand as her Mum smoked, was all too exciting for Sarah. She could hardly focus at school on that Monday, especially towards the end of the school day. With only the last lecture left, she frowned seeing drops splashing on the glass of the classroom windows. It wasn’t unusual for it to rain that late in autumn, but Sarah was concerned about her planned trip to the shop.

Against her hopes, the weather simply turned from bad to worse, and by the time the lessons were finished, rain was pouring down and an ice-cold wind was blowing mercilessly, ripping off any remaining leaves from the trees and making the rain drops fly almost horizontally. The sane thing would have been for Sarah to postpone her planned visit to the store, but she had been jittery and anxiously waiting for that Monday to come. She really wanted to try her Mum’s cigarettes.

Stubbornly, she decided against her own judgement to go there anyway.

The store wasn’t distant, but in that horrible weather, the 15 minutes’ walk seemed like an eternity to Sarah. When she finally entered the store, she was wet to the bones and was happy to get a momentary relief while she took shelter inside. She walked quickly up to the counter and was amused to see that the usual unfriendly clerk was at his place, and she wasn’t a bit surprised that he hadn’t cared to look at her as she entered his store, dripping wet.

“A pack of Salem 100’s, please” Sarah asked, wondering if he even had noticed that this was her third visit. She doubted it.

The clerk grabbed a pack from the shelf to his right, and placed it on the counter, taking the bill that Sarah had already offered in exchange.

“It’s really shitty outside. I hope you don’t catch a cold…” He said looking for the first time at Sarah as he returned the change.

Sarah was totally unprepared for his comment and to see him looking at her. She was totally taken aback, and smiled embarrassed as she took the money and walked out. She felt very unpolite and rude to have left him hanging at the one time he actually had regarded her courteously, but the surprise was such that her mind went blank. For a moment she even

considered walking back inside, but then decided that it would have been even more awkward. Instead, she began walking as fast as she could to the bus station, wishing to get home quickly, longing for a long hot shower to warm herself up.

Walking in such horrible weather had been really bad, but now that she was back home Sarah was more than happy with the reward. That night, after everybody else in the family had gone to bed, Sarah fished the Salem’s out of her secret storage and sat at her desk flipping the pack in her hand, feeling her heart beating with excitement, and wishing it was already the next day to try smoking one of them.

‘Or two maybe!’ She thought deviously.

She read again the content declaration and for some inexplicable reason it excited her to think that compared with the Philip Morris Super Lights, each cigarette delivered three times as much nicotine and four times the tar. But why was that? Why did it matter to her? Sarah started thinking back at how many cigarettes she had seen her Mum smoke that evening.

‘…Mum wasn’t smoking when she got home, but I’m sure I saw her light up at least twice while cooking and then two more right after dinner. And I’m sure she smoked no less than three while watching TV with Dad. Oh My God! There is more nicotine in her seven cigarettes than in a whole pack of the Philip Morris’ I’ve smoked till now!’ Sarah’s heart fluttered as she screamed in her mind at herself.

The next day, if possible, the weather was even worse. Standing in the shed as she precisely positioned the mirror on its cardboard box, Sarah was freezing. The temperature had dropped during the night and the rain had kept pouring without respite. Clearly the thin-walled building could only provide cover from the wind and rain, the single pain window was covered in rain drops and the temperature inside was not much higher than outside.

But Sarah didn’t care; she was too eager to try her new cigarettes. Sitting at her desk the night before, she had kept thinking back to her Mom’s smoking and mulling over nicotine and tar numbers until way too late. It was all utterly fascinating. That morning, as she had secretly observed Carla smoke while having her morning coffee, Sarah had wished she could

have skipped school, so she didn’t have to wait until the late afternoon to finally try the Salem’s.

Therefore, she really didn’t care too much about the frigid temperatures but unwrapped impatiently the cellophane and fiddled with her index finger to get the foil to lift a bit, so she could open a corner of the pack. It surely helped that she had seen her Mum do the same many times.

Once open, Sarah tried tapping the pack as Carla did, but she didn’t succeed in forcing any cigarette out through the opening and resorted instead to using her nicely manicured fingernails to fish one

out. They were tightly packed, so she found it all quite tricky and thought that the normal flip-top box was far more practical.

Eventually, a cigarette allowed itself to be retrieved and she felt an immediate rush thinking that it was finally time to try smoking one. She sniffed the cigarette briefly under her nose and smelled distinctly the minty flavor. It was strong and fresh, and reminded her of toothpaste.

Sarah couldn’t wait any longer. Without thinking, she ran her tongue across her lips to wet them slightly and placed the cigarette firmly in her mouth. Since a couple of weeks, she had learned to light the cigarette without needing a supporting hand, a detail she had picked up from observing her Mum’s style. She liked doing it; she thought it looked much better and less amateurish.

Without further ado, with hands trembling slightly due to the excitement, Sarah flicked the lighter and moved the flame closer, while tilting slightly her head forward to direct the end of her cigarette into the fire. She sucked gently through the filter, and as the flame bent inwards her mouth was invaded by the strongest smoke she had ever felt, but mixed with an intense minty taste that she found very peculiar. Sarah immediately had second thoughts about taking too big of a drag and removed the cigarette from her lips as soon as she had had time to move the lighter from her right to the left hand.

However strong the smoke felt in her mouth, Sarah inhaled it all without a second thought, and it felt so much more vividly and thick as it gushed past her throat towards her lungs. Amateurishly, Sarah had assumed that all

the cigarettes she had already smoked would have prepared her for almost anything. Instead, the jolt that she experienced once that mouthful of full- flavored smoke smashed inside her chest made her feel as she if she had lost her breath. It was as if she could actually feel the weight and consistency of the smoke, she felt it as a thick wet blanket that cloaked her lungs. Compared to the sensation of inhaling even much larger drags from her previous Philip Morris cigarettes, now everything was magnified multiple times.

Sarah let the smoke sit inside her chest for a moment while she focused on the whole experience, as a buzz began growing thanks to the load of nicotine already rushing through her bloodstream. Amazed at the intensity of that first prudent inhale, she finally exhaled through her moist pursed lips and was astonished that the smoke looked so much thicker than any time before.

Sarah looked intrigued at the all-white Salem cigarette between her fingers. It was much stronger than she had imagined, and it made her think with genuine awe and wonder about the smoking ability of her Mum. She had watched her smoke the very same cigarette with such eagerness, dragging much harder and for much longer, obviously taking a colossal amount of that dense and powerful smoke into her mouth and then inhaling it all to her lungs.

Cautiously, Sarah brought the filter to her lips and inhaled a second drag, but couldn’t fathom how Carla could smoke those Salem’s so easily. Bold and probably a bit cocky, she had thought that her two months of smoking experimentation with no more than a couple of cigarettes a week would have been sufficient. Instead, two careful drags had demonstrated that she had still very much more to learn. But the discovery didn’t demoralize her. Not at all. In fact, it probably did the opposite. As Sarah tried to smoke the rest of the cigarette, each lungful of smoke fueled her with a desire to get better, much better in fact. She too wanted to able to smoke those strong cigarettes as her Mum smoked them, with equal zeal and fervor.

She realized, however, that she clearly was not there yet. When the cigarette was only two thirds done, unwillingly and hesitantly Sarah had to sadly extinguish it because she was feeling very

lightheaded again and with a quickly growing feeling of impending nausea. That cigarette had defeated her. The cold weather was making her shiver and there was no way she could imagine stepping outside in the cold and rainy weather to wear off the buzz.

Instead, she accepted the temporary defeat, promising herself to master it with time. Once she felt better again, she picked up her diary to document the achievements and discoveries of the day.

Date Cigarette Sep.19 ML
Oct.5 ML Oct.26 ML Oct.31 PM-SL Nov.16 PM-SL Nov.21 SLM

Nic./Tar Total cigs. 0.8/10 5
 0.8/10 10
0.8/10 16

0.4/4 17 0.4/4 23 1.3/17 24 Notes

Inhaled 1st time. Got sick.
Full cig: 10 drags. NP inhaling. Less sick. Always 3s drags. Light dizziness.
Easy to smoke. Great cig. No issues. Smoked 2 cigs like Mum
Xtra strong. Very dizzy. Must try more.

Surely enough, Sarah kept smoking her new Salem’s on each occasion and was actually surprised that she seemed to adjust faster than she could have expected to their stronger smoke. Already after two weeks she was happy to report that she could smoke a whole cigarette all the way to the filter as she could do with her previous lighter brands. Her drags were still significantly shorter and shallower than before, but little by little she also got used to increasing their size.

As Christmas approached, Sarah was proud that she had mastered taking several drags almost two seconds long. The smoke surely hit her forcefully in her lungs, but she was growing fond of the sensation. She regarded it as a testament that she was indeed working towards reaching the same proficiency as her Mum, that she was getting closer to finally being able to smoke like her and to understand how it actually was to smoke like her.

She couldn’t wait.

At the same time, Sarah worried about the Christmas holidays, since during them she wasn’t going to have any chance to smoke. School and more importantly, her brother’s tennis practice would all stop for the festive period. Plus, the family was going to spend a lot of time in the house and at their relatives’ and friends’. Of course, Sarah loved the Christmas season, but she was a bit afraid that the prolonged forced pause would set her back. Her curiosity for cigarettes was continuously growing.

She also had to confess that she was going to miss her shed smoking escapades, not because she was becoming addicted to smoking but because she truly loved the almost sexual charge she felt while watching herself smoke. Sarah could not understand what was going on in her head, but it seemed that the better she got at it, the more exciting it was to glare at her reflection in the mirror. More than once she wished she could have more than two visits to the shed a week.

Chapter 10 – Ups and downs

During the Christmas holidays, Sarah knew that she would have to pause going to the shed for two whole weeks in a row. Not only did she miss it, but it actually angered her. It was a reaction she didn’t expect or comprehend, but she found herself becoming surprisingly upset, especially when

she watched her Mum smoke incessantly all day long. Sarah had imagined that her Mum was smoking much more than before she quit but being around her most of the time during the holidays, she quickly realized just how often Carla could light up when out of the office.

Being at home all the time and not in the office, giving her free reign to indulge whenever that frequent nagging feeling demanded her attention, Carla clearly smoked even more than her usual. One pack a day was just not enough, and Sarah noted a couple of days in a mixture of amazement and shock as her Mum calmly polished two entire packs of those strong full-flavored Salem 100’s. The same cigarettes that Sarah had still not succeeded in smoking even one single cigarette with the same deep drags as Carla.

Sarah watched on between flicks down at her book as her Mum inhaled huge mouthfuls of dense and creamy smoke. Once again, she saw clearly her cheeks collapsing and smoke vanishing into her mouth and then being exhaled in long streams through her lips or out of her nostrils. The show only reinforced Sarah’s still growing curiosity to be able to smoke like her Mum, and her determination to continue smoking until she satiated her inverted curiosity.

Being in high school, naturally Sarah and her friends took advantage of the holidays to go out partying. She loved it and had tons of fun, but those nights out did also provide additional motivation to keep smoking. Sarah wished she too could join her friends for a cigarette when many of them stepped outside for a smoke break, but she was too ashamed to ask for a cigarette.

Even if she didn’t smoke, Sarah hated remaining inside with the clearly less cool crowd, so many times she actually went out anyway. A few times

someone even asked jokingly if she too wanted a cigarette, which made her blush as if her secret had been discovered.

Sarah felt silly for being so afraid to come clean with her friends, but it was stronger than her. Many times, at night, she had tried to reason with her concerns and anxieties. She could lie in her bed explaining to herself that most of her friends would probably barely comment if they saw her smoking. And even if they did, they would hardly be but supporting and cheering, and no one was likely to go tell her Mum and Dad, since they were all in the same boat.

But it didn’t help. Rationally, Sarah knew that all, but every time she went out with them, she was back to being the non-smoking good girl anyway. Therefore, she cherished even more her opportunities to smoke alone at home in the shed behind the garage, where she felt free to let her curiosity take over and explore the secrets of cigarette smoking.

After being plagued for more than a week by her frustration at being forced to abstain from her smoking escapades, a sudden and totally unexpected opportunity presented itself. It was a couple of days before New Years Eve, and Sarah had just come home from a shopping round downtown with Julia. Obviously, the main reason why Julia wanted out that day was that she was literally climbing the walls at home, deprived for days from smoking as much as she usually did, and she absolutely needed a break. Sarah joined gladly. She too could use some time off from her family and particularly from her chain-smoking Mum.

When Sarah returned home in the early afternoon, she found an unexpected note on the fridge. “WE’RE AT THE ICE RING SKATING. BACK FOR DINNER. MUM & DAD”

Sarah’s ran to her brother’s room and found it empty. Filling with hope, she ran back downstairs and found that his shoes and jacket were not in the hallway.

‘Whoop! He must have gone with them!’ She thought and her heart immediately jumped at the realization that she could take advantage of the empty house to smoke again!

It was risky, since she couldn’t be sure that Danny wasn’t at friend’s house or out somewhere else, but she quickly decided that it was unlikely. She reasoned that the quicker she acted, the safer she would be, so she ran upstairs to grab her pack of Salem 100’s and then after throwing her coat on, she hurried to the shed. Instead of the large hallway mirror, she brought the small hand-mirror from the bathroom, which although much smaller, would still allow her to watch how she did, and she absolutely didn’t want to miss it.

Sarah shook the pack to invite one of the cigarettes to protrude from the open corner, slid it free and inserted it between her moist lips. This was an unaccounted, and unexpected chance that she hadn’t had any time to mentally prepare for, and she felt her heart beating hard from the excitement. She was going to smoke again.

But there was something else going on, even though she didn’t realize it at that time. Having watched for days her Mum, Julia and all her friends smoking freely while she was prohibited to do the same, had built up some jealousy and greed that now translated into eagerness. Sarah flicked the lighter and in one fluid motion moved it to touch the tip of the all-white menthol cigarette which dangled steadily from her lips. All the while holding the mirror with her left hand so that she could observe closely the reflected image.

Having the mirror in one hand and the lighter still in the other, once the cigarette caught fire, Sarah’s initial enthusiastic drag was prolonged until she had time to free her right hand so she could pick the cigarette from her mouth. Never before had she taken such a large mouthful of full-flavored smoke and she sensed the intensity of the minty tobacco harshness in her mouth, but in the thrill of the moment she didn’t flinch and inhaled it all to the bottom of her lungs.

The strong smoke hit her in her chest like a pile of bricks and her eyes opened wide in a combination of surprise and chemical reaction, but once the initial momentary shock subsided, incredibly she found the experience potent and fascinating.

For the first time she was able to get a sense for what her Mum felt when she smoked and witnessed that indeed she was also able to smoke with the same competence if she really tried. Sarah was pleased with her

accomplishment, and she felt her soul filled with as much pride as her lungs were with smoke.

After the beat of three she exhaled, and the tight cone of diluted smoke bounced on the mirror which she held in front of her. The first large hit of smoke had already injected a conspicuous load of nicotine into her bloodstream and the predictable first signs of lightheadedness were already surfacing. Sarah didn’t waste much time and returned the cigarette to her lips for another deep drag. As is normally the case, it wasn’t as easy to take large drags now that she was fully aware and on full alert, but she still did her best.

With each drag, Sarah saw in the small mirror her cheeks collapse while the cherry burnt brightly. Being so close to her face, after moving the cigarette away from her lips, the mirror allowed her to see clearly the thick and dense smoke that filled her mouth. That mirror allowed Sarah to observe attentively for the first time as the smoke gushed into her windpipe towards her lungs inside her chest when she inhaled. That view of herself was a novelty for her, but she loved watching her Mum doing snap inhales, and the comparison intrigued her.

The thought of the creamy smoke from those strong cigarettes, of the huge amount of nicotine and tar the Salem’s delivered to her lungs, was actually provoking. The view of the smoke disappearing from her mouth to go inundating her lungs with those chemicals was inexplicably alluring. Sarah knew smoking was bad, it was unhealthy and poisonous, but for reasons she couldn’t possibly understand it was all making her feel aroused.

Without the large mirror, Sarah spent little time playing with different poses, smoking the cigarette more hurriedly than her usual, which in combination with the large drags she forced into herself made her quickly dizzy. She finally but unwillingly crushed it in the ashtray when there was still one third left, realizing that she was now probably approaching her nicotine limit.

More satisfied with the opportunity and results than disappointed with her shortcomings, Sarah returned back inside, putting lighter, ashtray, mirror, and cigarettes back in their respective places. She needed to rest in her bed for a while, and then pulled out her diary to write a few more additional notes.

Date Cigarette Sep.19 ML
Oct.5 ML Oct.26 ML Oct.31 PM-SL Nov.16 PM-SL Nov.21 SLM Dec.21 SLM Dec.28 SLM

Nic./Tar 0.8/10 0.8/10 0.8/10 0.4/4 0.4/4 1.3/17 1.3/17 1.3/17

Total cigs. 5
 10
16

17 23 24 33 34 Notes

Inhaled 1st time. Got sick.
Full cig: 10 drags. NP inhaling. Less sick. Always 3s drags. Light dizziness.
Easy to smoke. Great cig. No issues. Smoked 2 cigs like Mum
Xtra strong. Very dizzy. Must train more. 2s drags. Very intense.
1 drag as Mum: was great. Will do again.

Chapter 11 – Smoking developments

Sarah couldn’t wait for the return of normal routine. Christmas had been far too long. The idea of everyone going back to school, work, and the all- important sport practice schedules start again was bliss. She could not deny that she enjoyed developing her new smoking skills. She loved that she was witnessing her constant progress, and she was frankly disappointed that she was always stuck with just the two visits to the shed a week. Even worse, during the winter it happened a number of times that she had to cancel some of them.

With the cold and bad weather came the seasonal flu, which kept the Johanson’s at home one at the time. Obviously, with her family all at home coughing a wheezing, Sarah couldn’t sneak out to the shed to smoke. When it unsurprisingly and annoyingly became her turn to have a fever, running nose and a cough, she actually considered to try smoking anyway. But with her sore throat and barking cough, she was considerate enough to give her congested airways priority, allowing them to recover before polluting them with nicotine and tar. At the same time, it surprised her that her mum kept powering away on her cigarettes regardless of all the wheezing, coughing, complaining and sneezing. Sarah could not really believe it. She contemplated that it must have felt awful on her snot laden lungs.

Missing the opportunity to smoke saddened Sarah a lot, but feeling unwell was also depressing. It meant all together it was a long two weeks in a row, but there wasn’t much she could do about it.

Then, there was also the issue that for a week in early March Carla stayed at home from work, because they were doing refurbishing and maintenance work in her office building. Just like during the Christmas holidays, having her Mum at home continuously smoking around her all the time, troubled Sarah even more than she wanted to admit. Fortunately, it didn’t stop her from smoking in the shed as Carla still had to take Danny to tennis practice. In fact, that week allowed for an interesting change for Sarah, but more about that in a bit.

Otherwise, Sarah diligently kept smoking as regularly as she could, never willingly missing an opportunity and constantly pushing her limits. For instance, soon after New Year’s Eve, she started smoking two cigarettes in

a row, often mixing brands, just for curiosity. So, on average she probably smoked between three and four cigarettes a week throughout the winter and spring semesters.

The look and the visual aspect of smoking were really intriguing Sarah. She was deeply fascinated and seduced by the sight of smoking flowing out of her lips, and never missed the opportunity to bring the mirror to the shed. Just so that she had the view of herself smoking cigarettes. She felt that was just as important to her as smoking itself and was still one of the main reasons why she never thought about stopping.

Obviously, smoking as little and infrequently as she was, she could hardly develop any physical addiction, but she was instead getting psychologically infatuated by observing herself dragging seductively and eagerly on her cigarettes, watching as she inhaled the smoke into her lungs, and then almost mesmerized to see it come out again. She particularly liked to see the smoke linger in her mouth before inhaling it, which led to her naturally developing a sort of mix between snap and open mouth inhale technique.

Additionally, once she got the hang on the purely mechanical aspects of inhaling and exhaling with increasing confidence, Sarah’s interest in the visual aspect of smoking led to another important effect. She began noticing a myriad of new details in others’ smoking that she had previously completely overlooked. Sarah noted that not all dragged, inhaled, or exhaled the same way.

Naturally, her Mum was the source of most of her smoking character study and over the winter and spring Sarah took mental notes about any detail she could catch. How much Carla’s lips parted when she inhaled; the exact position of the cigarette between her lips when she took a drag or lit up; the shape of the lips when exhaling downwards or towards the ceiling; the variation in intensity and length in her drags. Sarah was astounded that there was always a new detail to discover, that there could be so many details to distinguish and that she had never had a clue about them before actually trying to smoke.

‘How could I ever miss that the smoke is pulled into the lungs!?!’ Sarah asked herself as she watched Carla pull down into her awaiting chest yet

another dense white ball of smoke after letting it linger for a split second in front of her red painted lips.

Due to her visual focus, it was probably not surprising that Sarah found her Mum’s open mouth and snap inhales to be especially fascinating. Obviously, she compared her own inhales with her Mum’s, still acknowledging Carla’s superior style, but pressing herself hard to try closing the gap. It was spectacular to see as if the creamy smoke paused in a slow almost hypnotic swirl inside her Mum’s mouth before it flowed down her windpipe.

Sarah knew now that the smoke from Carla’s cigarettes was so dense because it was strong and that knowledge made the spectacle even more alluring in her eyes. It was as if Sarah had a huge respect for her Mum’s ability to smoke those full-flavored cigarettes, to inhale with pleasure that nicotine and tar rich smoke over and over again.

But at the same time, for the same reasons, Sarah was propelled by her desire to be as good as Carla. Therefore, during those weeks and months of smoking in the shed, Sarah tried to replicate all the details that she noted on her Mum, practicing over and over, driven by her competitiveness.

In addition to the inhales, another side of Carla’s smoking style captured her daughter’s attention. Almost every time, before putting out the finished cigarette, Carla would take a large drag, inhale it, and then immediately take a second one, while the smoke from the first drag poured out of her nostrils. Sarah found it decadent but irresistible, as if it was a testament of Carla’s feeling for smoking. It showed that although she had smoked an entire cigarette, she needed every last bit of smoke before letting it go out.

It goes without saying that Sarah began trying to replicate that element with every cigarette she smoked. At first it was really hard since taking a double drag at the end when the smoke was stronger and her lightheadedness more intense was a true challenge. But with perseverance and stubbornness she slowly began to get a grasp of it, finally finding the intense sensation of filling her mouth to the brim with smoke while exhaling from her nose a powerful transcending feeling.

Sarah could not understand it, but it nagged her to have to admit that her skills were inferior to her Mum’s, that Carla was able to smoke her strong

full-flavored Salem 100’s so much better than she was. It was not so much that it was difficult to accept that her Mum was better at something, but the fact that Carla was able to smoke them so easily was proof that it could be done, and Sarah had the need to demonstrate to herself that she was also capable of it.

***

Another interesting change that occurred during the spring was that Sarah also began sampling different packs of cigarettes, buying new ones regardless of how many cigarettes she had left. Over the course of a couple of months, she bought several new packs, all different, some lights but mostly full flavored. Since smoking was not such a hurdle anymore, Sarah found it amusing and interesting to try new brands, comparing the taste and the strength of the different cigarettes, but also analyzing the packs graphical appeal and the look of the cigarettes between her fingers.

Having different packs to choose from, Sarah developed a system that would randomly select for her what brand to smoke each time she went to the shed. It was simple, but effective. She got the idea during a programming class at school. Sarah liked most of the scientific subjects, and was particularly fond of algorithms and programming, so it had been great fun to develop and program on her PC an algorithm to pick what cigarettes to smoke.

Collecting different brands and then trying them out became like a game in the game to her. The nervousness about visiting the store where she bought her cigarettes was now non-existent, and Sarah returned there as soon as she found a new brand she wanted to try. She didn’t care anymore whether the dorky clerk recognized her or not, or if he would wonder why she kept buying different brands all the time. She wasn’t even sure he had ever noticed or kept any track of what she bought, and frankly, she had decided that she wouldn’t care.

For instance, once she happened to see her Mum’s friend Anna pull out a pack of Multifilter 100’s. Anna was an old friend of Carla, and just like her she too was stylish and elegant. They had met in college and developed very quickly a very strong friendship that had lasted ever since. Sarah thought it was quite obvious why those two ladies got along so well as they were more like two sisters than friends.

Both Anna and Carla had got married soon after graduating from college but had made sure to introduce their boyfriends to one another and over a short period of time Bill and John had become good friends too. Living in the same city, it wasn’t unusual for the Johansson’s to get together with Anna and John, but Sarah didn’t mind since Anna too was a dedicated smoker and Carla always smoked like a fiend when they were together. Carla had always smoked more when in Anna’s company, even before quitting, and it was even more so after returning to smoking since she apparently didn’t have the same remorse or scruples anymore.

Sarah liked just sitting there observing the two friends as they chain- smoked and would have loved to stop them and ask so many questions about their smoking habits. She imagined that they must have influenced each other during college which had resulted in both developing such analogous gestures.

That Saturday evening in mid-January, Sarah couldn’t take her eyes from Anna’s all-white long cigarettes, detailed by a grey band about at the same position where she held the cigarette between her slender index and middle fingers. She tried her very best not to be too obvious, but she was saved only by the feisty environment and the couple of glasses too many the adults had drunk.

After taking a decent look at her pack, Sarah had decided on the spot to buy them a few days later. Sarah didn’t know which strength of cigarettes Anna smoked but had simply noted the grey and red colors on her pack, which was enough for her to recognize the right cigarettes when she went to her customary shop to buy the same Multifilters as Anna. It goes without saying that Sarah smoked a couple directly on the next day, eager to try her Mum’s best friend’s brand.

Although being the stronger variant, the red Multifilters weren’t even close to the Salem 100’s Sarah had smoked recently. She clearly noted the difference. Especially when inhaling after a long drag, Sarah noted that the feeling in her chest was less noticeable, although she had to concede that not having to deal with the Salem’s harsh and powerful smoke made it way easier to take prolonged cheek-hollowing drags. Probably most importantly, she didn’t feel as dizzy after extinguishing the first one, so she could quickly extracted a second and smoke that too almost to the end before the lightheadedness was too strong.

Date Cigarette Sep.19 ML
Oct.5 ML Oct.26 ML Oct.31 PM-SL Nov.16 PM-SL Nov.21 SLM Dec.21 SLM Dec.28 SLM

Nic./Tar Total cigs. 0.8/10 5
 0.8/10 10
0.8/10 16

0.4/4 17 0.4/4 23 1.3/17 24 1.3/17 33 1.3/17 34 Notes

Inhaled 1st time. Got sick.
Full cig: 10 drags. NP inhaling. Less sick. Always 3s drags. Light dizziness.
Easy to smoke. Great cig. No issues. Smoked 2 cigs like Mum
Xtra strong. Very dizzy. Must train more. 2s drags. Very intense.
1 drag as Mum: was great. Will do again.

Jan.16 MF 0.9/11 40 Easy to smoke. Had 2 in a row.

While smoking the red Multifilter 100’s, Sarah started getting used to take double drags right before putting out the cigarettes. Not feeling too much affected by the end was one of the advantages of smoking a slightly lighter cigarette, and she loved the look of the cherry burning bright through the thick smoking fog flowing out of her nostrils. Moreover, having both her nasal and oral cavities flooded with smoke was quite frankly a very powerful sensation, just as much as quickly inundating her lungs with a second lungful before they could expel the first one.

After the Multifilters, Sarah bought a pack of Chesterfield’s. She noted a friend of hers smoking them at a party, so she went straight to the store the following Monday to buy a pack for herself. Fortunately for Sarah, they were also available in the longer version rather than the short her friend Ian smoked, since Sarah clearly preferred the look of longer cigarettes. Chesterfields weren’t Ian’s usual brand, but he had stolen a pack from his Dad, and Sarah thought it was funny to watch how difficult it was for him to inhale the smoke. She knew Ian had been smoking for about two years,

and usually he didn’t look that clumsy with cigarettes, but he still looked almost like a complete newbie.

Sarah got too curious to find out the reason why Ian struggled with those stolen strong cigarettes and honestly, she couldn’t deny feeling pride and a sense of ridiculous superiority when she inspected that pack right after she exited her preferred cigarette shop. Those Chesterfield cigarettes were clearly full-flavored, packing almost as much nicotine and tar as the Salem’s she had been smoking with success.

‘And Ian have even been smoking since last year…’ Sarah thought with a smudge of mockery as a not-so-involuntary grin spread across her face.

When smoking Salem 100’s, Sarah was now able to confidently take nice two-second drags and she always inhaled the thick smoke, noticing in the mirror how her breasts rose as she ensured that she bathed every recess of her lungs with tar. Having smoked almost a pack of them, she now allowed herself the pleasure of letting the smoke and nicotine soak into the alveoli for a few seconds maximizing the rush before she finally released long plumes through her moist lips.

In contrast, Ian took only modest drags and inhaled shallowly, then hurriedly exhaling the smoke. Anyone would have agreed that his smoking was nowhere as poised and refined as Sarah’s, looking instead as if he had just recently begun smoking.

Overconfidently, Sarah wanted to try her newest brand on the very following day, but already from the very first drag, she was forced to concede that those cigarettes were not as easy to smoke as she had assumed. Although similar in strength to the Salem’s, it was noticeable on her palate that they were not menthol, and Sarah soon learned the hard way that the minty smoke was indeed smoother and much less harsh in her mouth and throat.

But it was too late for her now that the first two-second-long load of thick full-flavored Chesterfield smoke was already gushing mercilessly towards her still marginally accustomed lungs and it hit her with a fierce force still unknown to her. Her eyes widened in surprise as she felt an unprecedented tightness in her chest, but Sarah recovered her composure while holding

the smoke buried at the bottom of her lungs in preparation for the subsequent exhale.

As the last wisps of smoke elegantly escaped from her lips, she looked at the freshly lit cigarette between her fingers as if she were studying a worthy opponent. Clearly, she had misjudged the task and was almost willing to concede to Ian a small margin of redemption. But, deep down she couldn’t

hide her eagerness to take on to yet another smoking challenge, to master that new brand. Without too much thinking, she immediately returned the filter to her lips for another drag.

Stubborn and competitive as Sarah was, thanks to her determination in the matter of a few weeks, she was finally able to smoke with relative ease even those strong Chesterfield cigarettes. She had the desired controlled and perfectly measured style, and could resume chasing the length, depth, and intensity of her Mum’s drags. It was important to her to take big drags because she wanted the smoke to be dense and creamy when she opened her lips before inhaling. She had fallen in love with watching her own open-mouth and snap inhales, and she knew all too well that the bigger the load of smoke was in her mouth, the better the inhales would look in the mirror. Also, the nicotine rush felt better as it punched in the deepest recesses of her lungs.

In her diary note Sarah wrote:

Date Cigarette Sep.19 ML
Oct.5 ML Oct.26 ML Oct.31 PM-SL Nov.16 PM-SL Nov.21 SLM Dec.21 SLM Dec.28 SLM Jan.16 MF Jan.25 MF

ML Jan.30 CSFLD Feb.8 CSFLD

Nic./Tar Total cigs. 0.8/10 5
 0.8/10 10
0.8/10 16

0.4/4 17 0.4/4 23 1.3/17 24 1.3/17 33 1.3/17 34 0.9/11 40 0.9/11 45 0.8/10 46 1.1/15 48 1.1/15 54

Notes

Inhaled 1st time. Got sick.
Full cig: 10 drags. NP inhaling. Less sick. Always 3s drags. Light dizziness.
Easy to smoke. Great cig. No issues. Smoked 2 cigs like Mum
Xtra strong. Very dizzy. Must train more. 2s drags. Very intense.
1 drag as Mum: was great. Will do again. Easier to smoke. Had 2 in a row.
Getting good at this.
Double drags and nose exhales to finish. Stronger than I thought. Still had 2. Used to them now.

As mentioned, in Mid-February, the family so it wasn’t until the Thursday two weeks later that Sarah was able to return to the shed to smoke once more. She was feeling quite a lot better, but her chest was still congested with mucus and her nose not completely free from snot. But she had been growing too impatient to wait any longer for a cigarette. However, she was smart enough to choose to smoke a couple of Philip Morris Super Light 100’s as they were the lightest cigarettes she had. It felt that it was a sensible move, considering that whilst she could breathe, her snotty cough still continued. It was the brand she liked the least and hadn’t smoked them for several weeks now, so she figured she could make good use of them without risking straining or tickling her airways.

Although super-light, the very first drags made her almost cough, but Sarah was happy to discover that the smoke she inhaled seemed to almost relax her still slightly irritated lungs. As such, she had no problem smoking the whole cigarette and but also confirmed that she found that brand to be way too weak and unsatisfactory, it was no longer giving her the kick or rush from the nicotine that

got the seasonal flu which affected them all one by one,

she needed. In fact, she had no problem instantly lighting a second cigarette and even considered for a split-second after stubbing it out, lighting up a third before deciding that she probably had smoked enough for that day anyway.

Sarah still smoked too seldom to allow her body to become properly accustomed to nicotine. She was happy that she had practiced thoroughly and consciously mimicking her Mum’s deep drags and was getting better and better at them, even when she smoked the stronger full-flavored brands she had purchased. However, Sarah was now quite used to feeling the smoke filling her mouth, and it wasn’t too hard anymore to inhale it fully and deeply, assaulting her lungs and completely saturating them. There was no doubt in her mind that it was way easier with the lighter cigarettes, but she liked it far better when she smoked the stronger ones. The taste was harsher but more intense; the smoke tingled as it rushed inside her chest, and it still mesmerized her that she could feel breathless by the fullness inside her lungs as the thicker smoke hammered her like a pile of bricks.

However, the longer and more intensely she learned to drag, the quicker she felt the fun was over. She hated to have to wait for days before being allowed a brief 5-10 minutes of her favorite devilish game. Sarah now regularly smoked two cigarettes one after each other, as now the lightheadedness wasn’t too severe when it was time to stub out the first one. Sarah knew that the second cigarette would invariably make her nauseous, but she also knew that the sickness feeling wouldn’t last very long.

Learning to smoke those Chesterfield’s also taught Sarah another valuable lesson. Although not as smooth and certainly harsher than the Salem 100’s, Sarah had to admit that the non-mentholated smoke was, however, more appealing. Yes, even actually enjoyable. For the first time she could finally point to something that was more than merely tolerable. Not covered by the minty freshness that Sarah associated with toothpaste, the surely stronger and more pungent tobacco smoke of those Chesterfield’s had a texture and taste that enriched the experience of breathing it in deeply. It was thick and sticky, as if she could feel as it congested and almost choked her, but Sarah needed to confess to herself, that she preferred that more intense sensation.

For some obscure reason, instead of discouraging or intimidating her, it spurred her even more.

Chapter 12 – A teasing dark pleasure

Since buying cigarettes at her chosen shop was not a big issue anymore, throughout the spring Sarah returned there frequently as soon as she laid her eyes on a new brand to add to her growing collection.

After the addition of the Chesterfield 100’s, Sarah got herself a pack of Kim’s and of Winston 100’s, inspired by some ads in a newspaper that her Mum had left open on the countertop in the kitchen. She eagerly tried them both during the successive two weeks with mixed opinions. The Winstons’ pack was plain and ugly whereas she liked the colorful graphics of the Kims’ but was surprised by their thinner size. She found that smoking those Kim cigarettes was not as bleak and depressing as the declared low levels of nicotine would have suggested, imagining that the relatively high contents of tar compensated a bit. Consequently, Sarah thought she could smoke them as second brand, because the lower nicotine content helped contain the dizziness which she still could experience by the time she put out the second cigarette of each session.

Sarah found the Winston 100’s to be really tough to smoke. They were the strongest non-menthol cigarettes she had tried so far, and their seriously pungent aroma and harsh texture on her throat and lungs gave her a true challenge.

As she was developing a sense of taste for the smoke she inhaled, she definitely couldn’t regard those Winston’s as her favorite cigarettes. However, she conceded that watching the density of their smoke swirling in her mouth and the thickness of the exhales flowing from her pursed pouty lips was among the best.

Just prior to the week in March during which her Mum worked from home, she updated her notes.

Date Cigarette Sep.19 ML
Oct.5 ML Oct.26 ML Oct.31 PM-SL Nov.16 PM-SL Nov.21 SLM Dec.21 SLM Dec.28 SLM Jan.16 MF Jan.25 MF

ML Jan.30 CSFLD Feb.8 CSFLD Feb.15 PM-SL Feb.29 WST KIM

Nic./Tar Total cigs. 0.8/10 5
 0.8/10 10
0.8/10 16

0.4/4 17 0.4/4 23 1.3/17 24 1.3/17 33 1.3/17 34 0.9/11 40 0.9/11 45 0.8/10 46 1.1/15 48 1.1/15 54 0.4/4 56 1.3/16 61 0.7/12 62

Notes

Inhaled 1st time. Got sick.
Full cig: 10 drags. NP inhaling. Less sick. Always 3s drags. Light dizziness.
Easy to smoke. Great cig. No issues. Smoked 2 cigs like Mum
Xtra strong. Very dizzy. Must train more. 2s drags. Very intense.
1 drag as Mum: was great. Will do again. Easier to smoke. Had 2 in a row.
Getting good at this.
Double drags and nose exhales to finish. Stronger than I thought. Still had 2. Used to them now.
Harmless. Almost smoked 3 today. Super creamy smoke & thick

exhales. ~OK feeling. Low nic?no dizziness.

Sarah was certain that she wasn’t risking getting addicted, since the still too few cigarettes she smoked each week couldn’t provide her enough nicotine to really create a physical dependency. But she was almost obsessed by the liberating sensation of pursuing her secret and dark curiosity to understand the sensations that are completely related to cigarette smoking and by her determination to be as good at smoking as her Mum was.

Sarah had to admit to herself that being able to sneak out to the shed twice a week had become important to her. However, during her Mum’s home- working week, Sarah had the chance to try smoking inside the house for a change, since she realized that she didn’t need to go hiding in the shed.

She hadn’t thought about it, until she saw her Mum taking her customary colossal double-drag and her standard exhale of an endless plume of smoke in the hallway right before she and Danny dashed

towards the car. Sarah smiled happily as she observed the scene sitting at the bottom of the stairs and saw a thick haze linger in the sunlight through the air in the room, as reddish rays from the sunset pierced through the clouds.

‘There’s already so much smoke in the house that no one will ever know if I smoke too!’ She thought, jumping on her feet, feeling an adrenaline rush washing through her system. Then rushed up the stairs to her cupboard.

The thought of being able to smoke inside the house was so exciting that Sarah felt almost as jittery as when she lit her first cigarettes. She didn’t care about using her algorithm to decide what to smoke, not wanting to waste a single second, as she retrieved her pack of Winston 100’s. Instinctively, she decided that the best way to celebrate the unique opportunity was by smoking the strongest cigarettes she had.

It was strange. Sarah enjoyed her illicit smoking escapades, but it wasn’t because she craved smoking or to silence her body’s need for nicotine. The situation was more complex and, in a sense, weirder. She knew perfectly well that what she did was bad, utterly unhealthy, and completely wrong. In her twisted brain, it was for all those same reasons that she found smoking so rewarding.

Amazingly, it was the acrid irritation in her mouth or the discomfort that she felt when the smoke hit her lungs that actually intrigued her. She found the stronger the cigarettes, the more intense were those feelings and therefore the more she was pleased.

Sarah stood in front of the full-height mirror between the kitchen and hallway, the one that her Mum always used to get a final check before going out. The larger mirror gave her a perfect view of her entire body. Her heart was pumping with anticipation. She literally couldn’t wait to watch herself smoke as seductively as she could. With one last glance towards the driveway to check it was clear she went ahead. Had anyone seen her, they would have been utterly impressed by the display of practiced expertise as she flicked the lighter and in a fluid motion the flame touched the tip of the cigarette dangled from her lips. It fizzled in the mirror.

Her gaze was locked on her reflection and a quickly growing excitement originated from her lower abdomen. Sarah watched on as her cheeks

collapsed as she took an aggressive first drag from the full-flavored Winston cigarette. Her mouth filled with the pungent smoke and Sarah leaned forward to have a better view of the smoke in her mouth once she picked up the cigarette between the Vee formed by her right index and middle fingers and her lips parted in preparation for the subsequent inhale.

Sarah watched with a mix of thrill and anticipation as creamy and seemingly almost liquid smoke swirled inside her mouth and then started to flow down her throat on the way towards her unknowing lungs. The strong smoke scratched her airways and then engulfed her from within in a constricting grip that left her breathless, but the view in the mirror as it happened was hypnotizing. She could barely believe her eyes and her humid lips displayed a wicked, vicious smile while the nicotine already knocked on her brain’s synapsis with a hint of lightheadedness.

Sarah stretched her back as her chest rose, assuming a perfect and elegant position, the cigarette close to her face in her right hand, with the arm cocked on her side, supported by her hip slightly displaced to the right. She then began to exhale in a long tight stream towards her own reflected face, virtually engulfing the girl inside the mirror as if she wanted to challenge her.

Even though the hallway didn’t offer the same perfect back-light for her exhales, Sarah had to admit that smoking in front of the full-height mirror inside the house was pretty good fun. She continued

her performance alternating different poses, exhaling sometimes upwards, other times towards her feet, standing sometimes closer and sometimes a bit away from the mirror depending on whether she wanted to focus on her mouth during the inhales or on her full picture to enjoy the scene.

All too suddenly the cigarette was burning hot between her fingers. As she now always did, Sarah took a double drag which clogged her lungs entirely, but she felt almost aroused seeing smoke gushing out from her nostrils at the same time as her cheeks collapsed to again fill her mouth with the strong and hot smoke from the nearly finished cigarette.

It was all over now, and she was sad that it had gone so quickly. Without realizing it, Sarah had smoked that Winston 100 with unusual aggressiveness, because watching her Mum smoke fervently all around her

had built up stress, tension and actually eagerness. Now she was a bit dizzy but certainly more relaxed thanks to the nicotine flowing in her body. Her throat was a bit sore but there were no doubts in her mind that she would have another one.

She went to the kitchen and drank a large glass of water to soothe her mouth and throat, a luxury that was not available to her when she hid in the shed. Then, after a short pause that she dedicated to checking herself out in the mirror as she struck different poses, she was ready for another cigarette. With equal anticipation, she slid a fresh Winston 100 between her lips and repeated the show.

Sarah felt congested and dizzy after smoking two strong Winstons in rapid succession, but she wasn’t sick. It was a surprising feeling. She hid the dark brown stained cork butts in a piece of paper before throwing them in the trash. Then she freshened up and then aired the hallway a little by holding and waving her front door open and closed for a bit.

For some reason she tried to take a very deep breath and noted that that it wasn’t as easy as it would normally be to fill her lungs to max capacity.

‘I suppose that they aren’t as happy as they should be after being washed in smoke and tar…’ Sarah thought as she emblematically massaged her chest with her hand. But there wasn’t worry or concern in her mind, but rather a wicked and purely evil thrill from it all. She should have disliked the idea of tar and smoke in her lungs, but in reality she didn’t.

That was probably the first time that Sarah had experienced so clearly a side effect from smoking. So far, she had never felt any, not even during or after her practices. Thinking about it, she wondered about Julia and the other girls in her volleyball team who smoked. Were they maybe feeling their chest congested after practicing? Did their lungs feel heavy? She had never heard any of them complain about feeling particularly short- breathed, and now that she thought about it, they all seemed quite happy to light up a cigarette right after each practice, as soon as they were at safe distance from the sports hall.

On the subsequent Thursday, obviously, Sarah repeated the same routine, smoking again in the house in front of the large mirror. From the moment she stored away the pack of cigarettes on Tuesday she couldn’t wait for the

next time and for two days she could barely contain her excitement. The sole experience of being able to freely smoke in her house really made it all much more worth it, also because she knew it was an utterly unique opportunity that may never repeat itself. She loved those twenty minutes pretending that she was her mum, a proper smoker.

Sarah could not have known then that she would in fact have a new chance in only a short period of time.

***

Fully aware of her preference for full-flavored brands, Sarah continued to visit the cigarette shop. She got herself a pack of Marlboro Red 100’s for the sole reason that Marlboro was the brand she started with, and having already tried the light ones she wanted to compare them to the ones in the red and white pack that she remembered her Dad used to smoke. Finally, Sarah even bought Camel 100’s as a friend of hers at school had begun smoking the light ones which came in the typical light- blue pack. Sarah was curious about the brand featuring that ugly camel on the pack but ended up buying the full flavored 100’s when she noticed the longer yellow pack next to Lights on the store shelf.

Sarah concentrated on being able to smoke any cigarette her random generator suggested with equal style and was ecstatic that indeed she was able to do it. She was fully aware that she still wasn’t able to replicate to perfection Carla’s deeper, longer, harder drags throughout entire cigarettes. She noticed that the first half cigarette was always easier to smoke, and she still struggled with the second cigarette that she smoked right after the first. But she wasn’t discouraged and worked persistently on her skills, little by little, one session at a time, closing in on the target.

Even if they weren’t her first choice, Sarah still smoked light cigarettes when they were selected, but failed to notice that she subconsciously smoked them more intensely. She didn’t do it on purpose. An internal dark appeal for the more forceful feeling that the stronger full-flavored smoke delivered as it exploded in her lungs was developing inside her. That yearning was still well hidden in the depth of her mind, but silently and furtively it was already pushing her to take noticeably longer, deeper, and more intense drags from the lighter cigarettes, since they couldn’t otherwise satisfy her just as much.

However, Sarah started instead noticing other changes.

When going out with her friends on weekends, she discovered that she sometimes felt pangs of jealousy at her smoking girlfriends. She convinced herself that it wasn’t so much that she experienced a proper need to join them but felt instead left out from a ritual of actually enjoying a cigarette. A “thing” that she now understood so much better. Sitting there with a drink it was as if she imagined that her friends who smoked were having more fun than her. She almost knew they were. Without knowing it, she almost actively no longer tried to stay upwind of the smoke that drifted from others’ cigarettes or to dodge for the plumes that her friends exhaled. She should have noticed that it didn’t bother her as much anymore.

Sometimes, particularly after having downed a couple of beers when the alcohol dampened her inhibitions, the thought of asking for a cigarette from her friends tingled her. But Sarah decisively repressed it, almost with anger. She didn’t smoke and she was not a smoker. She wasn’t planning to start smoking properly and in reality, was only playing with cigarettes. She knew it was a strange habit that had obsessed her since many years back. But that didn’t mean that she had any intention of letting ANYONE know about her dirty little secret, not even her friends.

But Sarah couldn’t disregard that on those nights out, when at the late hours she was feeling tired due to a beer too many, that totally devilish and wrong tingling in her stomach and pining from her lungs was teasing her. That itch that she knew a Winston would quickly scratch. Nicotine and a thick layer of tar would solve. She would have wanted to sneak a cigarette from any of her friends and let them see how impressive her smoking style was, how mature, sexy and adult she looked when she smoked as her Mum did. Not clumsily or almost fearful as some of her school mates still did, but with a practiced mannerism and experienced attitude that would have left them all astounded.

Sometimes, those thoughts were simply flashes through her mind that disappeared even before Sarah could react to them. Other times, they got stuck in her head and made her stomach rouse, stranding her grumbling in her mind, conflicted, and torn between a desire that she didn’t want and the obligation to repress it, because she still had to conform to the self- imposed image of perfection that she more than anyone else demanded from herself.

One time it had been really close.

Sarah and Julia had decided to have a sleepover at Julia’s on a Saturday after spending the evening out together partying with their friends. They had come home soon after midnight. Probably because of the abundant rounds of drinks, Julia had been smoking more than usual that night, and the fact hadn’t gone unnoticed by Sarah.

She too was feeling tipsier than she was accustomed to, and that alone was enough to aggravate her interest in her friends’ almost constant smoking. She really would have preferred not to think about it, but it seemed that on that particular night all in her group were smoking like fiends and it was literally impossible for her to remain unaffected. In fact, apart from Sarah, Linda and Max were the only others who didn’t smoke, but contrary to Sarah they kept complaining about the second-hand smoke engulfing the group.

Once in Julia’s bedroom, the two best friends wobbled on the water-filled mattress as they sat down on the large king-sized bed. Both were really tired and the alcohol in their bloodstream made their heads spin pleasantly. After chatting and giggling as they revisited the main events of the party, Julia shook yet another cigarette from her depleting pack of Marlboro Light 100’s.

It was not a surprise to Sarah, as she knew that Julia was now allowed to smoke at home, after having confessed her habit to her parents, but the sight of her friend pulling eagerly smoke into her lungs as she sat on her own bed was still troubling.

Sarah had been so incredibly stunned to learn that Julia had come out of the closet only a few weeks before. She had been smoking for years, but in her eyes, it still was such a brave move that she could never have mustered had she been in Julia’s position. But what had left Sarah totally speechless was that her parents hadn’t gone ballistic or that Julia hadn’t been grounded for a millennium.

Instead, Julia and her parents had a long talk during which they had asked all the most minute details about her smoking history and habit, and after having made sure that Julia understood the implications of her choice, her

parents simply accepted her decision. Even Julia had been surprised about her parents’ attitude.

“Well, we can’t really force you to quit if smoking is what you really want, can we?” They had finally said to her. “We are regretful that you have started, but it would be really hypocritical of us since we both smoke around the house all the time!”

Julia had confessed to Sarah that smoking in front of them the first few times had been very awkward, but already the next day she had gladly accepted her Mum’s offer at breakfast. Julia discovered very quickly the pleasure of smoking a nice cigarette early in the morning as she sipped on a large warm cup of freshly brewed coffee. In fact, from that day, Julia started smoking Marlboro Light 100’s instead of the short ones as her parents wouldn’t mind buying cigarettes for their daughter too.

Once officially allowed to smoke, Julia’s habit had developed quickly, but that night she had been smoking even more than she was used to and sitting on her bed in front of Sarah she was feeling

completely smoked out. She really didn’t need another, but she wanted to make a dramatic statement in front of her best friend, as to demonstrate her new adult status.

Naturally, Julia was more than pleased and proud of herself as she caught the look on Sarah’s face, who gazed at her with disbelieving eyes and her jaw dropped when she inserted between her lips one of the last 100mm long Marlboros from her pack.

Little did Julia know that the reason for Sarah’s gaze was far different than what she could imagine.

Looking at her friend who was taking a glorious first drag from her cigarette, her cheeks caved inwards as the cherry burnt bright, Sarah felt jealous of her. Very tired and with her better judgement impaired by the alcohol, hidden in the middle of the night behind a closed door in the secure shelter that was her friend’s bedroom, Sarah had been assaulted by the irrational desire to ask Julia for a drag.

‘No, not a drag. A whole cigarette, I want to smoke a cigarette!’ A voice in Sarah’s brain screamed. ‘What am I thinking?’ Sarah fought back.

‘Julia is my best friend. She wouldn’t be mad. She would understand. She smokes too. She’d be happy…’ The voice insisted.

‘No. She doesn’t know that I smoke!’ Sarah countered. ‘Hell! I don’t smoke!! I have only tried it a few times’ She corrected herself immediately.

Sarah was really on the verge of losing her internal battle but was saved by Julia who awoke her from her trance. At least momentarily.

“I need to take a shower before going to bed!” Julia announced, her words accentuated by the smoke from her last drag. “I reek of smoke, and I don’t want to stink my bed clothes…” Julia added.

In reality, she just couldn’t take any more smoke that night and was pleased already with the show she had offered to Sarah. She hastily put out her half-smoked cigarette, jumped up from the bed and went straight into her bathroom closing the door behind her.

Sarah hadn’t yet been able to speak a word, still sitting in Julia’s bed, again drunkenly wobbling after she had left. Her gaze locked on the crushed cigarette that was still smoldering briskly in the ashtray since it hadn’t been properly extinguished.

She listened in silence to the noise coming from the adjacent bathroom telling her that Julia was getting ready to shower. There was a thick haze lingering in the room and if Julia hadn’t damaged the cigarette, it would have been so easy to pick it up and take a drag. It wouldn’t even have required to use a lighter to get it going again, since the amber was live enough that a few powerful drags in rapid succession would have certainly done the trick.

No one would have ever known. Sarah’s smoke would have mixed with Julia’s, and had she wondered about the cigarette she had left half gone in the ashtray, Sarah could simply say it had continued burning on its own. Who would have suspected any different?

Sarah ran her hands through her hair. ‘What in the world am I think?’ Sarah screamed at herself, but without succeeding in forcing her brain away from that train of thoughts.

Although hypothetical, the temptation was overwhelming. A few times she even stretched her fingers towards the ashtray, only to retract her hand using the last drops of reason she had left.

Sarah was too entangled in her mental stride to even begin to question why she was having those feelings. She should have asked herself why she wanted that cigarette so badly.

She even pondered if she could steal a fresh cigarette from Julia’s pack, but she would have been caught immediately since in the ashtray there was only the half-smoked cigarette left by Julia. Instead, feeling angered and ashamed for even thinking those ideas, she closed her eyes hoping that not seeing the cigarette in front of her would release her from the spell. Then, with all the will left in her, she rose from the bed and ran into the bathroom.

“What are you doing here?” Julia shouted in a low voice at her.

“I’m falling asleep! I need to remove my makeup and brush my teeth before I literally collapse on the bed…” Sarah explained and started washing her face with soapy water.

She heard Julia grunting in protest, but added jokingly:

“Oh, knock it off! I’ve seen you showering before, you know…”

The two friends fell quickly and soundly asleep as soon as they turned the lights off and slept until late the next morning. The next day, Sarah was frankly shocked that not only did Julia smoke soon after getting up, but she had that look of satisfaction on her face when her Mum had offered her that first cigarette of the day even before the coffee was poured. Sarah knew very well how many cigarettes Julia had smoked the day before, and that she had gone as far as to complain about it. And yet she didn’t flinch at the offered Marlboro Light 100!

Sarah recognized the same behavior as her Mum who seemed always glad to have yet another cigarette, regardless of how many she had already smoked. Now her best friend Julia appeared to be on the same path and Sarah just couldn’t understand it. She enjoyed her secret smoking sessions, but she still thought it was challenging to finish the second one if she

smoked it properly, and she was quite sure that she wouldn’t have been able to finish a third right thereafter.

That overwhelming desire that smokers have to always have just one more and evident gratification they achieved from each one intrigued her deeply.

Chapter 13 – Smoker for a day

During the weeks leading to the Easter holidays, Sarah maintained her secret smoking. At this point it wasn’t so much of an experiment anymore, but much more part of a routine involving her own role-play of a proper smoker. Standing in front of the ever-present large mirror, she studied with careful precision her reflection, always keen to improve her smoking style and technique.

There was something linked to watching herself as she smoked that intrigued her at such a deep level within herself, that she could hardly grasp it. But she knew that it was there. As she stylishly dangled an unlit cigarette between her lips moments before flicking the lighter to ignite it, that ‘something’ made her shiver and feel an unsettling anticipation at the bottom of her stomach. It wasn’t nervousness or anxiousness, but it was a subtle yet distinct stress that could make her fingers tremble ever so slightly and affect her normal breathing. Sometimes she could almost feel her cheeks as they blushed imperceptibly, or her knees wiggle uncoordinatedly.

Smoking a cigarette was no longer uncomfortable or discomforting, almost the contrary. It was as if the flick of the lighter gave her an eagerness, an anticipation, as if it was the start of something she had been longing for. It didn’t make sense to her, but it was somehow funny, and Sarah welcomed those amazing sensations instead of analyzing them or being alarmed by them.

Sitting at her desk on Thursday the week before the holidays, Sarah updated her notes in her diary.

Date Cigarette Sep.19 ML
Oct.5 ML Oct.26 ML Oct.31 PM-SL Nov.16 PM-SL Nov.21 SLM Dec.21 SLM Dec.28 SLM Jan.16 MF Jan.25 MF

ML Jan.30 CSFLD Feb.8 CSFLD Feb.15 PM-SL Feb.29 WST KIM
Mar.5 WST Mar.12 MR Mar.19 CML Mar.28 CML

KIM

Nic./Tar Total cigs. 0.8/10 5
 0.8/10 10
0.8/10 16

0.4/4 17 0.4/4 23 1.3/17 24 1.3/17 33 1.3/17 34 0.9/11 40 0.9/11 45 0.8/10 46 1.1/15 48 1.1/15 54 0.4/4 56 1.3/16 61 0.7/12 62 1.3/16 64 1.2/15 66 1.3/17 72 1.3/17 77 0.7/12 78

Notes

Inhaled 1st time. Got sick.
Full cig: 10 drags. NP inhaling. Less sick. Always 3s drags. Light dizziness.
Easy to smoke. Great cig. No issues. Smoked 2 cigs like Mum
Xtra strong. Very dizzy. Must train more. 2s drags. Very intense.
1 drag as Mum: was great. Will do again. Easier to smoke. Had 2 in a row.
Getting good at this.
Double drags and nose exhales to finish. Stronger than I thought. Still had 2. Used to them now.
Harmless. Almost smoked 3 today. Super creamy smoke & thick

exhales. ~OK feeling. Low nic?no dizziness. Smoked in the house: it was GREAT! Dad’s old cigs. Really nice
New cigs. Ugly pack. Nicely strong. Camels are not so bad.
Very bleak after the Camel.

It almost scared Sarah that by then, she had already smoked the equivalent of almost four packs of cigarettes. Sarah had collected nine different packs that were hidden in her stash. Having the comfort of enough packs, she began to be a little reckless. At first, she smoked one cigarette per session, but with the new year she had instead increased her consumption to two cigarettes each time. The close call at Julia’s and that feeling of wanting a cigarette should have warned Sarah that the game she was playing with highly addictive nicotine was starting to get dangerous, but at this moment in time she didn’t pay attention to it.

Her nine packs weren’t all equally full., Sarah had a twisted preference to the stronger full-flavored cigarettes. She had determined this was because the lighter brands didn’t give her that distinct and

intense punch in the chest when she inhaled the smoke. She enjoyed the feeling of the strong smoke whooshing down her windpipe and inundating her lungs. That was probably the sensation she enjoyed the most when she smoked, even if the strong full-flavored smoke scratched a bit in the back of her throat. She thought it was definitely worth it.

It was made far more obvious on those occasions when she mixed a light cigarette with a full- flavored one. She always left the light to last, knowing that her lightheadedness got always stronger the longer she smoked, but right from the flight of the lighter the smoke from those lighter cigarettes felt impalpable in her mouth and she barely felt it flowing down into her lungs. Thanks to her careful placement of the mirror, at least the exhales were perfectly backlit, which made the visual experience always gratifying, but she often huffed and turned her nose up when her algorithm selected a light brand for her to smoke. In fact, sometimes she ignored it. She stopped smoking the Philip Morris Super Lights all together because she found them useless and gave her no pleasure. She didn’t feel anything exciting regardless of how hard and long she dragged, and she just felt like she was wasting her already scarce smoking opportunities on them.

For Sarah there was, as a bonus, that the stronger the smoke was, the creamier it looked in her mouth. When she practiced open mouth inhales and to her that increased immensely the visual appearance. Similarly, the exhales that seemed to last twice as long compared to when she smoked lights. There was one difference that Sarah was negligent to without knowing she dragged both longer and deeper on the lighter cigarettes to compensate for the paler texture in her mouth.

So, as a result, apart from the pack of Marlboro Light 100’s she had bought first and which she had been smoking during the first weeks, the rest of the of the collection of light cigarettes packs were all still pretty full. Conversely, the full-flavored ones were dwindling fast, especially the Salem 100’s which Sarah had initially focused on and smoked for some weeks in a row before she had started to buy additional brands.

That was the brand that had introduced her to full-flavor cigarettes and since it was her Mum’s brand, Sarah was particularly keen to return to it. She was using them as a benchmark to compare her skills to her Mum’s. After buying other non-menthol full-flavor brands, Sarah had compared the Salem’s to the other brands she owned, smoking them back-to-back. She had learnt that the minty and spicy smoke wasn’t exactly her favorite. Even if she recognized that the menthol helped smoothing the acrid smoke and making it easier to inhale. Particularly, she had recently noticed that although Salem’s and Camels were equally strong (as stated on the packs, both had 1.3 mg of nicotine and 17 mg of tar), Sarah thought the Camels were a better smoke. For sure, the smoke was harsher, acrider, and more pungent, and it really caught in the back of her throat when she pulled it down her windpipe towards her lungs. But it was still better than that mentholated fragrance that reminded her of cheap toothpaste. The Camels had a more complex fragrance, while the minty flavor of Salem’s covered over any other taste.

***

The Johanson’s had planned to take advantage of the Easter holidays to go visit Carla’s parents having not seen them since Christmas. Since it was an over four-hour drive, when visiting the grandparents, they preferred being able to stay for some days. For Easter that year they planned to be away almost a week, leaving on Wednesday, and returning on the Tuesday after.

The problem for Sarah was that there was a driving school test booked on Thursday before Easter. She had finally started getting driving lessons, and skipping the test would have put her at risk of not being able to get her all- important license before summer. She had tried to reschedule it, but it was not possible since it was booked for so far in advance. So, the Johanson’s decided instead that Sarah would join the family after the test was done, traveling alone by train.

It only took Sarah a split second to realize that the change of plans offered her a unique opportunity that she simply couldn’t pass on. She would be home all alone the whole of Wednesday and a good part of Thursday, and she knew exactly what she wanted to do.

She was going to live as a smoker for one whole day!

It was all to do with the jealousy after Julia’s official coming out as a smoker. It had become the question that over time had made Sarah’s stomach churn the most. It was excruciating, as well as intriguing and utterly fascinating to her that her Mum and Julia would tirelessly keep returning to their packs, regardless of how much they had already been smoking.

Although she started to realize it only quite recently, Sarah had been taunted by this riddle for all those years that she secretly watched her Mum smoke cigarette after cigarette. It had only been in the last couple of weeks that she was beginning to understand what Carla could possibly feel when she smoked a cigarette. The repetitive, endless, untiring, and seemingly hopeless addiction to the repetition of the ritual of flip pack, load the lips, flick lighter and inhale, still amazed her.

She knew the whole reason she was doing it, was to understand her Mum. Sarah had learned to smoke, inhaling, and exhaling drag after drag as closely as possible as her Mum did. But she still couldn’t fathom what her Mum got from it, what made it so confusing and fascinating was that she repeated the process probably 20 or 30 times each day.

As it was Easter holidays Danny’s tennis practice was cancelled as everyone was away, which meant that Sarah could not have her usual smoking time in the shed on Tuesday, but this time she didn’t care, there were other things on her mind. On Tuesday evening, Carla was clearly stressed, a cigarette was firmly between her lips as she was jumping all over the house packing and preparing to depart early the next day. Sarah was impressed that although working frantically and running from room to room to collect all the things that needed packing, her Mum would not refrain from smoking.

Sarah had to chuckle that Carla was smoking almost constantly, smoke was swirling everywhere. Sometimes Carla even dangled the cigarette from her lips if her hands were occupied, a gesture that she otherwise did very rarely. Sarah wasn’t convinced that dangling the cigarette like that was very elegant and ladylike. She was definitely happy that her Mum usually never did so. But she remembered that her father would often let his cigarettes hang down from one corner of his mouth, with his eyes squirming to avoid getting smoke in them. Thinking back to those

sightings, Sarah imagined that she could try doing it some time, not so much to learn and practice a style she liked, but more out of curiosity.

On Wednesday morning, Bill Carla and Danny left after an early breakfast and finally the house fell silent. As is usually the case around holidays, the traffic on the main roads was supposed to get more intense later in the day and they wanted to cover as much distance as possible before highways started to clog in traffic jams.

Sarah stayed out of the way hiding the fact that she was electric. Adrenaline was pumping, she had barely slept for the excitement and remained in bed pretending to sleep until her family had left. She had convinced herself that it would have been impossible for her to act normally, and her parents would certainly have started suspecting something was not right.

Peering out the window and watching the car leave the driveway, Sarah jumped out of bed and after a quick visit to the bathroom, she went straight to her wardrobe, where she fished out the pack of Marlboro Red 100’s from her hidden stash. Still wearing her PJ and holding her red-and-white pack, she dashed downstairs to sit down in the kitchen and start the day.

As she had planned and rehearsed almost all night long, she waited for the coffee machine to finish brewing a pot of steaming hot black coffee, poured herself a large cup and then sat down comfortably at the kitchen table.

Sitting there like her Mum, coffee steaming in front of her, ashtray, lighter and pack all in easy reach, Sarah was ready to start her day as a smoker. As always, she wanted to watch herself, but waited until she had slid a Marlboro between her lips before picking up the small makeup mirror.

Her heart was pounding wildly, and she was almost bouncing with the excitement and proceeded to light up her first cigarette of the day. Her cheeks caved inwards as she had learned to do, pulling smoke into her mouth, and Sarah immediately noted one thing she didn’t expect.

First thing in the morning, the smoke was considerably harsher and intoxicating!

Thinking quickly but carefully, she had observed other times that the second-hand smoke from her Mum or friends at school seemed to stick much less in her nose later in the day. It was something she had known for a long time, but that she had forgotten to think about until her mouth filled to capacity from her own cigarette still locked between her lips.

For a fraction of a second, the intense discomfort even made her reconsider her plans, but with an act of defiance, she again quickly picked up the burning Marlboro between her index and middle fingers and looking attentively into the mirror, she opened her lips as to declare to herself her own intentions and then inhaled the mouthful of dense smoke that gushed into her lungs, engulfing her from within in a breathtaking clasp.

Every sensation seemed magnified and more powerful. Sarah felt as if she had never smoked before, but at the same time she was also surprised that she hadn’t felt any urge to cough or gag. As she kept the smoke buried inside her chest, she felt a surge of energy erupt from her torso, although followed by clear signs of growing dizziness.

‘Everything is maxed out!’ Sarah thought as she began to exhale from her lips.

Her body was brutally awakened by the rush of nicotine from its still sluggish state by breathing in the pungent smoke that saturated her sinuses and Sarah tightened her glutei as the arousing sight reflected in the mirror made her squirm and adjust herself on her seat. The sensation was truly overpowering.

When she first started smoking cigarettes, the lighter brands and her very cautious drags could never really provide her with anything even remotely similar to what she was experiencing.

Struck but almost in awe, Sarah watched as the smoke she had just exhaled thinned and slowly diluted in the kitchen. She didn’t really comprehend why that morning, all of a sudden smoking was so overwhelming, but deep down she didn’t care. All she wanted was to take another drag.

She moved the cigarette to her mouth and sealed her lips around the filter. Free from her fingers, the cigarette rose slightly upwards due to her

suction as her cheeks caved, the tip fizzed, burning much brighter again, whilst smoke began flooding her mouth, until it was completely full. Sarah closed the Vee formed by her fingers around the filter and moved the cigarette slightly away as her

mouth opened so she could see in the mirror all the dense creamy strong full-flavored smoke swirling inside. Sarah shivered with anticipation at the idea of pulling it all down into her lungs. As the poisonous smoke smashed inside her chest, she looked at the cigarette resting close to her face and smiled wickedly.

‘Why should I do it only at the end?’ Sarah asked herself and moved the filter back to her mouth.

If the sensation had been overwhelming before, it was nothing compared to what she felt as she vigorously double-dragged on her Marlboro Red 100, smoke gushing from her nostrils in dense jets while her mouth was inundated once more.

Sarah had no idea why she did it, she had simply been inspired by the intense sensations that she was experiencing as she smoked early in the morning for the first time in her life. She felt as if she was choking, feeling as if she was drowning in all the smoke, but she wasn’t unsettled by it. Quite the opposite in fact, she loved it, and it was all but compensated for by the view in the mirror was so decadently alluring that she was absolutely transfixed.

However, Sarah didn’t even have the time to empty her assaulted lungs from all the smoke she had inhaled before she was swept by a raging dizziness. She was able to inhale and exhale large amounts of even strong smoke, but her body wasn’t used yet to the nicotine that the smoke delivered. It appeared that also her sensitivity to the chemicals was higher that early in the morning.

Unwillingly, Sarah let go of the paper cylinder and rested the cigarette in the ashtray and sipped from the steaming coffee, washing her throat. It was there that she made yet another discovery. She was in on yet another secret. It was actually true; coffee and cigarettes were indeed a nice combination. She was also happy to note that the coffee seemed to soothe her mouth and throat and alleviate her lightheadedness.

Sarah waited a bit until she felt a little better before picking up the cigarette and continuing to smoke it. Carefully balancing drags of smoke and sips of coffee she managed to finish it, although taking more careful drags to avoid overdoing it. She certainly didn’t want to start her day as a smoker by getting sick.

The experience had been utterly fascinating. Sarah was even more impressed now by her Mum’s and Julia’s ability to not only smoke each morning, but also enjoy it so clearly. The satisfaction on Julia’s face after the sleepover was still fresh in Sarah’s memory and now it amazed her even more, especially remembering how much she had smoked at the party the night before.

Although she had lost all appetite, Sarah thought that having a light breakfast would be a perfect means to kill some time before having another cigarette. Her goal was to smoke an entire pack before evening, which would require lighting up a cigarette every 30 or 40 minutes.

Since during Easter weeks they would not be able to meet for a week, for that evening, Sarah and Julia had planned to go out with a few other friends, not many because most had also gone away with their families for the holidays. But most importantly, Sarah had been very clear about the importance of her exam, so they had agreed to have a relaxed evening together, simply meeting to have a few drinks.

Sarah had also explained to Julia that she needed to study during the day for her examination. This was to make sure she would be alone for the whole day to smoke freely. Sitting in the kitchen eating cereals and breathing the stale smoke from her first cigarette of the day, the task seemed daunting, but the idea of being free to smoke more excited her.

Still wearing her PJ, Sarah calmly smoked cigarette number two seated at the kitchen table after putting away the breakfast dishes and followed with a third one sunken down in the comfy fauteuil in the living room. Although the day was going according to her plans, the three morning cigarettes had revealed to be a bigger challenge for her system than she had expected.

With some concern, Sarah began to realize that smoking throughout the day would not be so easy as she first envisaged.

The time in between lighting up was barely enough to clear her system of nicotine from the previous cigarette. The lightheadedness which she got from the first aggressive puffs that morning, meant that she had been in a nearly constant dizzy state. At least she wasn’t feeling sick, but she surely wished she could clear her head. In hindsight she knew she could have waited longer between cigarettes, but then she would have missed her goal to smoke a full pack in one day, which she had desperately wanted to meet.

So, stubbornness kicking in Sarah soldiered on.

Still exhaling the residuals from her last drag on the Marlboro Red 100 she just crushed in the ashtray, Sarah rose from the fauteuil and thought it was time to step out of her PJ and put on some proper clothes. She followed her morning routine. She went to her room and undressed, then bathroom, brushed her teeth, then back in the bedroom she dressed in her favorite elastic sport leggings and top, and a warm hoodie on top to keep warm. As she passed in front of her large bedroom mirror, Sarah stopped to look at her reflection. She ran her hands over her tight and slim hips all the way up over her firm breasts and smiled approvingly at the view. She was nothing short of stunning and those clothes highlighted her gorgeous body. Vainly, she removed the hoodies to have a better look, and turned back and forth as if she were on the catwalk of a fashion show. She got closer to the mirror and adjusted her ponytail that wasn’t tight enough as she liked it.

“I think I know what this girl wants!” Sarah grinned at her reflection, with a devilish smirk.

As she caught a final glimpse of herself, she pirouetted and went back to her wardrobe and pulled out the shoebox with all her cigarette packs. She evilly grinned as a thought crossed her mind. Why not take them all downstairs, she then had the freedom to jump between all her brands as her mood suited!

After pouring a new cup of coffee, Sarah carefully put down the box on the kitchen countertop. Straightening it up in so it was aligned in front her she sat on her favorite barstool. Lifting the top, she browsed through the packs, a bit like a Christmas chocolate tin, she was uncertain about what to smoke next. She definitely preferred the stronger full-flavored cigarettes but was still feeling the effects of the three she had already smoked and thought that maybe it could be wise to cut herself some slack with a light cigarette.

Moreover, she wasn’t consuming them so often anymore, so it really seemed like a good idea.

She looked quickly inside the packs and chose to smoke a Kim simply because it was the brand, she had smoked the least cigarettes of. She slid one out, placed it confidently between her lips, then raised the small hand mirror before lighting up her fourth cigarette of the day.

After having smoked three much stronger cigarettes in the short time since she got up, the smoke felt significantly lighter and much less pungent, and when she inhaled it into her lungs, she didn’t feel at all the awaited and rather delightful punch. Indeed, that was why she had chosen to smoke a lighter cigarette, but deep down it still left a sense of disappointment. It was nice, but not amazing.

Without even thinking twice about it, Sarah compensated for the lack of strength by taking larger and more intense drags but noting that even then the smoke felt diluted and thinner in her mouth and lungs. She then chose to try taking double drags, hoping that expelling smoke from her nose while filling her mouth again could compensate for the lack of intensity, which in fact, two three- second drags in a row would finally achieve.

Had anyone been there with Sarah, they would have seen a young beautiful girl dragging almost desperately on her quickly vanishing cigarette in an attempt to satisfy an overwhelming urge. Her display of a sequence of intense and prolonged double-drags made her look like a bona-fide cigarette addict, smoking aggressively to top up her nicotine levels of a starved body after a long abstinence.

In reality, although Sarah was unknowingly starting to become addicted to smoking, her powerful style wasn’t yet driven by need, but from being dangerously infatuated and obsessed by the intense, alluring even though sometimes frankly uncomfortable sensation that only the stronger cigarettes now could provide to her.

Therefore, five minutes later when she finally crushed the finished Kim in the ashtray, although Sarah was happy to report that her dizziness was less pronounced than after the Marlboros, she also felt unsatisfied, almost deprived of the stimulating experience she sought for.

She looked at the clock on the wall.

‘It’s only 10 in the morning. I have still plenty of time for many more cigarettes!’ Sarah said to herself, thinking that the lighter Kim would allow her to fully recover from her dizziness, so at least something positive came from smoking it.

Chapter 14 – Smoking all day long

Around noon, Sarah crushed her 8th cigarette of the day. She had been loyally following her schedule like clockwork, but for her head and throat it was becoming harder and harder to keep on lighting up every half hour.

After the lighter Kim, Sarah returned to full-flavors lighting up first a Camel 100 flowed thirty minutes later by a Winston 100. But it was now clear to her that the more cigarettes she smoked, the harder it was to get rid of the nicotine induced symptoms. They had kept growing in intensity with every cigarette that she smoked, and she never had time to clear them off.

Hence, realizing that she still had a long way to go, when it was time to light up again, she decided that she would be better smoking a Multifilter 100, counting on its lighter smoke to help with the strong lightheadedness. However, since her body was not used to the constant nicotine intake, not even smoking a lighter cigarette helped very much and she was now starting to feel nauseous too.

The sensible thing to do would have been to take a longer break, maybe go for a walk outside, have lunch somewhere and let her body recover fully. Instead, Sarah’s determination grew stronger despite the adverse feelings.

She couldn’t stop thinking that her Mum smoked even more than this every single day. Repetitively pulling noxious smoke into her lungs and irrorating her bloodstream with tar and nicotine. Even her friend Julia now regularly smoked all day and every day too and seemed more than fine doing so.

Closing her eyes, Sarah could clearly see their satisfied faces as they lit up a fresh cigarette with greedy drags, and an irrational and unnecessary sense of inferiority washed over her.

Feeling almost sick but firmly determined to keep on smoking, Sarah extracted a Philip Morris Super Light 100 from the half full pack, counting on the weak smoke of those cigarettes. Although feeling incredibly sick from smoking, Sarah practiced routine style kicked in as on autopilot and she took long cheek-hollowing drags after drags.

It was amazing how faint and unsatisfactory that cigarette was; compared to any other in her stash, its smoke felt almost like air. There was no taste, no texture, no tingling in her throat and absolutely no jolt in her lungs. In any other occasion, Sarah would have literally hated it, but right there and then her body actually welcomed the meager respite.

For the first time in months, actually since Sarah first started bringing a mirror to her smoking sessions, she didn’t look at herself as she smoked the Philip Morris. She remained sunken in the fluffy armchair staring absentmindedly at the smoke curling upwards from the burning tip of the cigarette as she held it elegantly in her hand, with the elbow resting on the armrest. Each time she exhaled, her gaze was momentarily caught by the sight of the tight stream of pale smoke flowing out of her chest, that was only visible because favorably highlighted by the sunlight coming in through the large patio door next to her.

Fortunately, the very low nicotine content hadn’t made her sicker, but Sarah was more preoccupied by the fact that she wasn’t feeling any better. Since the first cigarette almost four hours earlier, she had been feeling progressively worser, going from lightly dizzy, to heavily lightheaded, to sick and nauseous.

It was lunchtime. Sarah should have prepared something to eat for lunch, but food at that moment of time with a churning stomach was at the bottom of her priorities. She had been so excited and enthusiastic about the opportunity to test the experience of living for a day like a smoker just like her Mum or Julia that she was now feeling the disappointment. At the same time, she was well aware of the fact that another chance like this would probably never return, so quitting was not really an option either.

Instead of eating, Sarah changed her mind and decided to take a break and go for a short walk. She was too sick to keep smoking every half an hour anyway and thought that a short walk in the fresh air with the nice early spring sunny weather was certainly going to be good for her and her congested lungs. It would give her body a break, allow her to recover and she would have time to revise her plan.

***

The short walk became a long one and it was nearly two in the afternoon when Sarah finally walked back inside. The sun was warm, and the clear brisk air did wonders to her head and body. She was feeling great again and with her stomach calmer, she was actually starving.

Full of new energy, Sarah went to the kitchen to get the chicken salad that Carla had left for her in the fridge, when she saw the pack of Kim 100’s on the countertop.

“Well, why not smoking a cigarette before lunch?” Sarah asked out loud as if she were talking to someone else in the house. ‘Mum always smokes while preparing lunch and dinner…’ She thought while grabbing the pack and extracting one of the all-white cigarettes.

Just like the one she had smoked a few hours before, this cigarette too wasn’t particularly satisfying, and compared to the previous one this time Sarah even smoked it more aggressively not having to deal with any nicotine-induced side effects. Trying to mimic Carla, Sarah didn’t sit down as she smoked but set up the table and prepared her lunch. It was more difficult than she anticipated to do even simple tasks while simultaneously holding a cigarette, but she quickly got better at it.

After putting out the finished cigarette after her customary double-drag, Sarah sat down and ate her salad, but felt satiated before eating it all. ‘Well, it was quite a large portion Mum had left for me…’ She reasoned, pushing the table away from her in a theatrical gesture.

“I know what I need now!” She announced jumping up. “A cup of nice black coffee…and yes, a cigarette!” Sarah added triumphantly with a snooty smirk on her face.

If the morning had taught her a lesson, it was that she wasn’t prepared yet to constantly smoke full- flavor cigarettes at such a high rate. During her walk she had therefore decided that she was instead going to continue smoking lighter brands. The decision felt in her heart a bit like a defeat, having to acknowledge her inferiority to her Mum’s smoking skills, but figured that the most important thing for the day was to be able to continue smoking.

With a steaming cup of dark and strong coffee, Sarah went to the living room, sat down on the sofa, and dug out the red-and-grey pack of Multifilter 100’s from the box on the table and lit up in a practiced fluid motion.

Now resigned to less intense sensations, Sarah focused instead on enjoying the view of herself while smoking as stylishly and elegantly as she could. Thanks to the lighter cigarette, it was almost effortless to take as long drags as her Mum and she made sure to cave her cheeks inwards each time she pulled more smoke into her mouth. She really liked that detail.

Alternating drags of smoke and sips of coffee, Sarah felt sexy and emancipated, and the look in the mirror was fabulous. Each time she pulled a creamy mouthful of smoke into her lungs she felt a tingly sensation at the bottom of her abdomen, not so much from the smoke itself but from the exciting and alluring view of that stunning, vibrant, and yet so decadent girl reflected in the mirror. Sometimes, it could still be hard to believe it was really her.

Limiting herself to lighter cigarettes worked well for Sarah. She spent the rest of the day aimlessly going through the theory book for her driving school exam but finding it hardly necessary. So, when she was too bored, she lazily browsed through the TV channels and tried reading a book that she had recently re-started, probably for the third time. It wasn’t bad, but she was never really captured by its story and eventually as always she left it unfinished.

Sarah found it pleasing and relaxing to laze on the sofa, and sitting there even smoked a couple of cigarettes laying down, with her head resting on the sofa’s fluffy armrest. Naturally, she also visited the full-size mirror in the hallway since there was nothing comparable to having the full view of herself as she smoked.

Indeed Multifilters, Kims and Philip Morris’ lacked that punch she desired, but the effortlessness of smoking them allowed Sarah to playfully act as she practiced different poses and styles. Particularly, since the Super Light smoke of the Philip Morris cigarettes was absolutely impalpable, Sarah challenged herself to smoke one of them to the filter only taking double drags. The sensation in her mouth and lungs wasn’t anything special she noted, but the view was all the more alluring. There really was something

special to watching smoke eject from her nostrils while her cheeks collapsed inwards to pull more smoke into her mouth and later down towards her lungs.

As evening fell and Sarah was getting ready to light up again, with a Multifilter 100 elegantly resting between her stretched index and middle fingers, she stopped for a moment to take stock of the situation.

‘Let’s see…’ She thought, looking pensively at the cigarette in her hand. ‘It’s now a little past seven and this is what…? It should be the nineth cigarette after lunch. Am I right?’

Sarah wasn’t entirely sure and shuffled over and then like the nerd she was, counted the spent butts in the ashtray. Indeed, there were three white Kim filters, three cork Philip Morris and two white tipped ones with the distinctive grey band. Immediately, it daunted on her that she was only two cigarettes away from achieving her goal of smoking a full pack!

“I can’t believe it!” Sarah almost screamed with surprise.

Avoiding smoking the much stronger full-flavored brands had allowed her to maintain a more constant but largely manageable level of dizziness, so much that she sometimes had forgotten about it altogether. Without even blinking Sarah brought the cigarette still in her hand to her lips and lit it up with practiced grace, not even realizing that she tilted her head slightly forward and to the side just as her Mum always did. Filled with proudness and bravery, Sarah’s cheeks caved deeply inwards as she began a colossal first drag that lasted seemingly forever, while she rose from the couch to place herself in front of the mirror. Only once there, she picked up the Multifilter closing the Vee formed by her right-hand fingers to expose a sea of swirling dense smoke behind her lips that she pulled confidently to the bottom of her chest.

Then Sarah immediately returned the filter to her mouth to take another large drag. Although this time she was so concentrated on the sensuality of the strain on her face as she dragged as hard as she could, that she never began exhaling through her nose, holding the first mouthful brined inside her lungs. Finally, once her mouth couldn’t be filled anymore, she pursed her lips and was intrigued to see that a white impenetrable ball of smoke

emerged for a split second before disappearing back inside as she inhaled sharply.

Without knowing why and without having planned for it, Sarah had amassed two monumental drags inside her chest and now she could feel the pressure from all the smoke that wanted out again. Understanding what she had done, she felt a wave of naughtiness start from between her legs and rush across her body. Her gaze was locked in the eyes of the sultry young smoking girl in front of her, who had an imperceptible but mischievous smile. Finally, Sarah saw the girl beginning to exhale right at her in a thick endless stream of smoke that engulfed them both.

Sarah felt her head spin, but she wasn’t sure if it was the nicotine from the unprecedented amount of smoke that she had pulled inside of her body or the arousal that at this point she couldn’t deny.

“I must remember to do this again!” Sarah said out loud but didn’t dare to repeat the exploit with that cigarette, resorting instead to her usual style of smoking.

After crushing the 19th cigarette in the ashtray, she recognized that it was time to prepare dinner, but strangely she again had very little appetite. In fact, throughout all day she had showed remarkably little interest for food in general. Sarah was not a savage eater, but she could tell that she had been eating much less than normal and wasn’t even hungry. It was of course one of the effects from smoking all day, but she hadn’t consciously made the connection yet.

Instead, without much interest but more out of knowledge of duty, she prepared a light meal with some of the leftovers she found in the fridge and ate it quickly in silence, while thinking back to the amazing day she just had.

After cleaning the table and loading the dishwasher, Sarah picked up the

pack of Multifilter 100’s to smoke her 20th and final cigarette of the day. It was hard to believe that she had achieved such an achievement and was actually proud of herself. She took a deep breath to underline her physical exhaustion after the day’s accomplishment and felt distinctly how heavy and almost congested her chest felt after smoking so much more than she was used to. Sarah wondered if her Mum felt the same too after smoking

tirelessly from morning to night and the thought made her tingle inexplicably.

She was tired of standing in front of the mirror, so Sarah lit up confidently sitting at the kitchen table and took a very respectable three-second drag that she inhaled fully as her chest rose.

She was amazed that it was so easy to pull so much smoke into her lungs now. Even if moments before her breathing hadn’t felt clear, it was effortless to bathe her lungs with even more of that nicotine-rich and tar- loaded fumes.

It was now almost dark outside and when Sarah looked pointlessly across the room, through her own exhale she caught her reflection in the glass oven door. With awe and more than a bit of admiration, she saw a confident and elegantly alluring young woman who she imagined was smoking in her own kitchen the last cigarette of the pack she had opened only this morning.

‘Oh my God! That girl smokes an awful lot!’ Sarah thought devilishly. Her eyes widened and she felt butterfly in her stomach as the girl moved the cigarette closer to her lips and took another large deep inhale, letting a dense ball of smoke escape for a split second and then pulling it all down into her lungs.

Through that monochromatic and unfocussed reflection, Sarah had the distinct impression of truly looking at another person, as if the oven door was a portal to another dimension, and she found herself observing that young girl with the same attention and inquisitiveness as when she secretly watched her Mum.

It was the strangest feeling ever, but Sarah was totally immersed in spying on that parallel reality that she was barely conscious of the smoke engulfing her lungs after each drag or of the taste in her mouth as she exhaled through her pursed lips. It took her a few moments after crushing out the cigarette to return back to reality and realize that she had literally zoned out for minutes.

“THAT was strange!” She exclaimed as smoke residuals kept flowing from her lungs to punctuate her words.

“Oh my God! I should stop daydreaming and hurry up!” Sarah shouted as saw how late it was and jumped up from the chair and ran upstairs to freshen up, change and get ready to meet with Julia and their friends.

Chapter 15 – Smoking although not planned

It was close to midnight when Sarah returned home. She was tired and a little angry that she hadn’t returned earlier as initially planned, considering that her driving school exam was at 10 the next morning and she needed absolutely to pass it. But it had been such a great night that it had been so

hard to stop drinking and to go home. Sarah loved going out with her friends and she felt so grown up sitting in pubs with them drinking beers or drinks. However, it was something else that had made that particular night extra special.

His name was Luke.

Sarah had never met him before. Luke had only recently moved into the house right next to Sarah’s classmate Marc, who had invited him to join them. Luke was charming and fun, and he and Sarah hit it off almost immediately. To Sarah’s amusement, Luke seemed quite interested in her too, and who could have blamed him.

Walking by the large full-height mirror in the hallway, Sarah stopped to appreciate her looks. Standing high on her heels, wearing designer jeans and her favorite black top, her hair pulled tight in a high ponytail, large loop earrings and with only a delicate but precise and deliberate makeup, Sarah was simply stunning.

Although Luke himself was a nice-looking, well-built guy, it was he who couldn’t believe his luck to have met and flirted most of the night with such a drop-dead gorgeous girl. But Sarah didn’t know that and was instead all giggly at the thought of meeting him again as soon as possible.

Amazingly, it hadn’t bothered her at all that Luke smoked, just as many of her friends did. Sarah would have certainly been attracted to him nonetheless, but not long before she would have been careful not to sit directly in the path of the smoke drifting from his lit cigarettes; or his smoky breath would have probably discouraged her from leaning closely next to him when trying to talk over the loud music.

That night, however, none of that had happened. Instead of being put off by the taste of cigarette smoke on his tongue, Sarah had felt extra aroused by it when they kissed just before she left. Standing there relaxed after her

drinks, looking at herself in the mirror, thinking back to him, she felt a warmth spreading from her lower abdomen. Subconsciously, Sarah ran her hands upwards along her sides, caressing herself with a light gentle touch. When she reached her breasts, she moaned softly as she brushed against her sensitive erected nipples that were pressing under the silky fabric of her top.

When Sarah had finally left her house to meet her friends, she was still thinking about how strained her lungs felt from smoking the equivalent of a whole pack of cigarettes. She hadn’t focused that much on the sensation during the day, focused as she had been on her goal, but once she had crossed the line, the weight of her endeavor had quickly caught up with her.

Throughout the night, not even once had Sarah been tempted to smoke a cigarette on her own. Actually, she hadn’t even thought that much about smoking, which instead she normally did very frequently.

Yet, all of a sudden, her inhibitions lowered by the alcohol being accomplice to the arousal from her own touch, as she stared at her gorgeous reflection in the mirror Sarah felt the inexplicable urge to smoke once more. She hadn’t planned for it, but the idea of smoking dressed to kill as she was, excited her wildly. At that moment, Sarah didn’t care that her chest still felt heavy and congested, or that she had already consumed twenty cigarettes throughout the day but went instead straight to the living room where her cigarette box was still in plain sight on the coffee table.

When she opened the box, wanting to feel the smoke in the most powerful way, she didn’t hesitate for a moment before digging out the pack of Camel 100’s. Hadn’t the pack been so empty, Sarah

would have preferred to smoke one Salem 100’s just as she had seen her Mum do countless of times after returning home from a dinner or a party. Yet, those Camels’ were equally strong and the pack still quite full.

Sarah’s now almost sexual excitement grew for each step she took, and as soon as she stood again in front of the mirror, she extracted one of the cork cigarettes, placed it slightly off center between her lips and then proceeded to light it up in the sexiest ways she knew, as to seduce Luke if had he been standing there with her.

She could hardly believe how amazing she looked as she took drag after drag, exhaling endless plumes of smoke in different directions. This was the very first time Sarah wasn’t ordinarily dressed while smoking, and she absolutely loved it. She wasn’t really drunk, but there was probably enough alcohol in her bloodstream to make her more audacious. Sarah went through her whole repertoire: long and deep pulls, double drags, snap and open-mouth inhales, cone, and nose exhales or exhaling through her nostrils while simultaneously dragging hard on the filter again.

Without thinking too much she smoked that cigarette at an increasing pace, not because she was hungry for the nicotine, but because the view she saw reflected in the mirror was exciting her more and more. When she finally and almost disappointingly crushed the finished cigarette into the ashtray she could have easily lit up another cigarette once more, but there was a much more impellent urge she needed to take care of.

Sarah rushed to her room and threw herself on the bed and started caressing her body, focusing on her breasts at first but quickly reaching that spot between her legs where she was feeling impatiently hot. Closing her eyes, she could see herself smoking again, and she imagined that it was Luke who was exploring her body. Her breathing becoming increasingly accelerated and strained, her lust building up quickly, somehow, she managed to get rid of most of her clothes so that she could freely stimulate her skin, until she came with wave after wave of pleasure shaking her whole body.

It wasn’t the first time Sarah had masturbated in the secrecy of her room, but she had never before been so fired up and she had absolutely never come so hard as that night.

Sarah remained on her bed for a few moments to regain composure and catching her breath, contemplating heading to the bathroom to freshen up before tucking in, but she fell hard asleep, half naked, still wearing makeup and on top of her blankets.

***

Since she had forgotten to set the alarm, when Sarah woke up the next morning, she looked apprehensively at the alarm clock on her nightstand,

fearing that she had overslept. Luckily it was only 8:30 and she still had plenty of time to get ready for the test at 10.

Once the initial panic settled, she began noticing all her other senses. During the night she had somehow wrapped herself in the bedcovers, but they weren’t as cozy as her down comforter and now she was feeling cold. And tired too.

Sarah yawned and as she took that extra deep breath she felt as if a heavy weight pressed on her chest. She felt unable to completely fill her lungs as if she were congested or coming down with a cold. As she was still pondering about her chest, she also realized that her mouth was dry, and it tasted like something had died in there.

“Oh my God. This is all the cigarettes I smoked yesterday!” She said out loud as reality sunk in and wondered if her Mum felt the same each morning.

In the meantime, minutes had passed, and she determined that she really needed to get on her feet. After a quick but refreshing shower, Sarah sat down at the kitchen table waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing a fresh strong pot. Already the aroma was spreading, and Sarah was making a head start on her bowl of cereals, when a crazy thought crossed her mind.

‘Should I have a cigarette with my coffee?’ She wondered as excitement already was building up inside her. Her plans had only concerned the previous day, and she had never thought about the fact that she was still going to be home alone until she boarded the train to reach her family. The idea of smoking again was wrong and silly. She didn’t need to do it and she certainly should not do it, but the more she tried to talk herself out it, the more she was attracted by the naughtiness and depravity of the idea.

Quickly, Sarah’s anticipation overthrew any remaining hesitation. She pushed away the bowl although she hadn’t eaten up and went to the living room where her cigarette box was still out in the open. She immediately saw the pack of Camel’s from the evening before and grabbed it instinctively, together with the now quite full ashtray and lighter.

She hadn’t cleaned the ashtray yet, so all 21 butts from her performance the day before were still there in an unappealing mess. But, at the same time, it was a testament of her achievement and instead of being repulsed by its view, Sarah felt a wicked pride. She couldn’t explain it, but thinking of having inhaled all the smoke from all those cigarettes into her lungs was alluring although in the most depraved way.

Sitting again at the table with a large cup filled to the brim with freshly brewed coffee in front of her and with a fresh 100 mm full-flavored Camel dangling from her lips, Sarah reached for her lighter but stopped.

‘I want to see me do this!’ She thought. ‘I’ve never smoked this early in the morning and who knows if I will ever again. I need the mirror!’

Recognizing the uniqueness of the moment, she opted for the larger hall mirror she used to carry outside to the shed instead of the small hand mirror. It took her at least five minutes to set it up somewhat safely in front of her, using other chairs and some cooking books to support it.

Finally satisfied, she sat back down and realized that all the while she had been fiddling around, she had held the cigarette firmly secured between her lips. It made her smile, thinking about how often she had seen her Mum do the same, although with lit cigarettes.

Her chest was still heavy and feeling full, which made the sole thought of bathing it again with strong cigarette smoke completely absurd, but Sarah thought that the harm had already been done.

‘One more cigarette of 17 mg of tar will probably do no difference!’ She thought shrugging her shoulders almost acknowledging what she did yesterday.

She knew that she would have the whole Easter holiday to try clearing her lungs of gunk. Instead, she hoped that feeling congested would not pose a problem, because at that very moment she was more eager than she should have been to finally light up.

Sarah elegantly exhaled straight towards the mirror to empty her chest from the first dense load of nicotine and tar rich smoke that had exploded in her lungs with the expected vengeance after her

usual prolonged first cheek-hollowing drag. She was surprised to notice that inhaling and exhaling that smoke wasn’t harder that morning; instead, if anything, she thought she felt already a bit less congested as if the smoke helped clear her lungs.

It didn’t make any sense to her, but to test the theory she immediately returned the cigarette to her lips for an even larger drag and inhaled it avidly to the bottom of her lungs, welcoming the fierce punch. A slight lightheadedness appeared even before she could begin exhaling, but her lungs felt indeed less heavy.

Alternating sips of warm coffee with large and deep drags of acrid smoke, Sarah was enjoying the illicit experience and even more the spectacular view in the mirror. Remembering how she had dangled the unlit cigarette while setting up the mirror, she deashed it carefully and then placed it between her lips to have her hands free to adjust her ponytail. She really didn’t need to do it, but she wanted to try it. With smoke curling up from the half-smoked cigarette that made her squint to avoid getting it in her eyes, as her hands were busy pulling and setting up her hair, in her mind she looked so experienced, as a true smoker. Just as her Mum.

Even before her hands were lowered, Sarah began a hard drag, that transitioned naturally into a double-drag while smoke poured thick from her nostrils. She was really enjoying that solitary moment and didn’t even realize that the initial lightheadedness had never developed and was still very faint.

She should have worried that it wasn’t difficult for her to smoke a strong full-flavored cigarette only minutes after getting out of bed, but instead she was more focused on the alluring reflection in the mirror that was again causing her to feel warm and moist down there. She should have questioned what her intentions were, instead she felt disappointed when she had to put the Camel out in the ashtray after a final double-drag.

“This was a great idea!” Sarah shouted ecstatic as smoke residuals punctuated her words and added “I feel much better now, and my chest feels much less heavy now. It’s like magic!” She beamed.

Sarah laughed at the irony but figured that Carla knew this secret very well and it was certainly the reason why she was always so eager to smoke two, or more often than not three cigarettes at breakfast.

At that very moment Sarah decided that she would make the best of that day.

Her primary goal was to get that stupid test done and she wasn’t going to accept but flying colors. She had still probably 40 minutes left before she needed to get going and she determined that she wanted to quickly go through the theory book one last time, just to refresh what she had been studying for weeks. She rushed to her room to get the book, her bag, and importantly to brush her teeth.

She also thought it was a good idea to update her notes before going back downstairs.

Notes
Inhaled 1st time. Got sick.
Full cig: 10 drags. NP inhaling. Less sick. Always 3s drags. Light dizziness.

Easy to smoke. Great cig. No issues.

Date Cigarette Sep.19 ML
Oct.5 ML Oct.26 ML Oct.31 PM-SL

Nic./Tar Total cigs. 0.8/10 5
 0.8/10 10
0.8/10 16

0.4/4 17

Nov.16 PM-SL Nov.21 SLM Dec.21 SLM Dec.28 SLM Jan.16 MF Jan.25 MF

ML Jan.30 CSFLD Feb.8 CSFLD Feb.15 PM-SL Feb.29 WST KIM

Mar.5 WST Mar.12 MR Mar.19 CML Mar.28 CML KIM Apr.3 PM-SL
KIM MF WST MR CML

0.4/4 23 1.3/17 24 1.3/17 33 1.3/17 34 0.9/11 40 0.9/11 45 0.8/10 46 1.1/15 48 1.1/15 54 0.4/4 56 1.3/16 61 0.7/12 62 1.3/16 64 1.2/15 66 1.3/17 72 1.3/17 77 0.7/12 78 0.4/4 82 0.7/12 87 0.9/11 93 1.3/16 94 1.2/15 97 1.3/17 99

Smoked 2 cigs like Mum
Xtra strong. Very dizzy. Must train more. 2s drags. Very intense.
1 drag as Mum: was great. Will do again. Easier to smoke. Had 2 in a row.
Getting good at this.
Double drags and nose exhales to finish. Stronger than I thought. Still had 2. Used to them now.
Harmless. Almost smoked 3 today. Super creamy smoke & thick exhales. ~OK feeling. Low nic no dizziness. Smoked in the house: it was GREAT! Dad’s old cigs. Really nice
New cigs. Ugly pack. Nicely strong. Camels are not so bad.
Very bleak after the Camel.
Awfully weak! Not worth buying.
Nice pack but too light.
Slightly better than Kims.
Nice punch. Still many left.
Better than ML. No doubts.
21 cigs! It wasn’t easy but I did it!

Sarah smiled mischievously. Now she had a smoking opportunity and wondered how many she could manage before the train left at 16:21. Sarah returned to the kitchen, refilled her cup with more coffee, placed the driving theory book on the table and the packs of Marlboro Red 100’s and Winston 100’s next to the Camel 100’s. Sitting down and looking at the three packs, she was already feeling the excitement growing. She didn’t even try to talk herself out of it, knowing very well that she had already

made up her mind, and instead reached confidently for the teasingly open red-and-white pack of Marlboro’s for her second cigarette of the morning.

Chapter 16 – Time for reflection

New additional goal for the day. She would keep on

Sarah caught her own reflection in the glass of the train window as she stared at the blurry outside world passing by at high speed. She had been sitting in silence since she had boarded the train almost two hours earlier, pondering the events of the last two days.

A part of her was stoked. It was a naughty, devilish part that until quite recently she didn’t even know existed and that she was still trying to get a grasp on. It was the part of her that was cheering high at the thought that not only had she smoked twenty-one cigarettes the day before, but she also had managed to smoke ten additional ones before catching the train.

Sarah had to smile at that thought. When she was getting ready to leave to take the driving test, she was struck by the idea of smoking a third cigarette, an idea that felt too irresistible to pass on. She hadn’t planned for it, and she had barely time, but she just couldn’t resist the wrongness about it. So, with her shoes and coat already on, she hurried to get another Marlboro and smoked it as quickly as she could standing in the hallway, naturally stealing glimpses from the large full-size mirror on the opposite wall.

Luckily and thanks to all her studying, the test wasn’t hard, and she felt confident of having passed it when she returned home around noon. As she again prepared a quick lunch, Sarah thought it would be fun to do as her Mum always did. She slid a Winston 100 from the pack on the kitchen table and lit up, almost defiantly. She wasn’t confident or able to keep it in her hands or dangle it safely as Carla, but had to let it rest in the ashtray from time to time. Nevertheless, Sarah had felt so wicked and provoking while bathing her lungs with more deep drags of noxious smoke as she worked on putting some healthy food on the plate. The irony of the two activities was hilarious.

After lunch, she didn’t have anything else to do but to finish packing her bag and to wait until it was time to get to the train station. Naturally, she took advantage of the opportunity to add six more cigarettes to the list, and practically managed to average two cigarettes an hour until she left the house around half past three.

After carefully returning the cigarette box to its hiding in her room and putting everything back to its place, before cleaning the ashtray, Sarah counted the buts and updated her notes.

Date Cigarette Sep.19 ML
Oct.5 ML Oct.26 ML Oct.31 PM-SL Nov.16 PM-SL Nov.21 SLM Dec.21 SLM Dec.28 SLM Jan.16 MF Jan.25 MF

ML

Nic./Tar Total cigs. 0.8/10 5
 0.8/10 10
0.8/10 16

0.4/4 17 0.4/4 23 1.3/17 24 1.3/17 33 1.3/17 34 0.9/11 40 0.9/11 45 0.8/10 46

Notes
Inhaled 1st time. Got sick.
Full cig: 10 drags. NP inhaling. Less sick. Always 3s drags. Light dizziness.
Easy to smoke. Great cig. No issues. Smoked 2 cigs like Mum
Xtra strong. Very dizzy. Must train more. 2s drags. Very intense.
1 drag as Mum: was great. Will do again. Easier to smoke. Had 2 in a row.
Getting good at this.
Double drags and nose exhales to finish.

Jan.30 CSFLD Feb.8 CSFLD Feb.15 PM-SL Feb.29 WST KIM Mar.5 WST
Mar.12 MR Mar.19 CML Mar.28 CML
KIM

Apr.3 PM-SL
KIM MF WST MR CML

Apr.4 CML MR 
 WST

1.1/15 48 1.1/15 54 0.4/4 56 1.3/16 61 0.7/12 62 1.3/16 64 1.2/15 66 1.3/17 72 1.3/17 77 0.7/12 78 0.4/4 82 0.7/12 87 0.9/11 93 1.3/16 94 1.2/15 97 1.3/17 99 1.3/17 102 1.2/15 106 1.3/16 109

Stronger than I thought. Still had 2. Used to them now.
Harmless. Almost smoked 3 today. Super creamy smoke & thick exhales. ~OK feeling. Low nic no dizziness. Smoked in the house: it was GREAT! Dad’s old cigs. Really nice

New cigs. Ugly pack. Nicely strong. Camels are not so bad.
Very bleak after the Camel. Awfully weak! Not worth buying. Nice pack but too light.

Slightly better than Kims.
Nice punch. Still many left. Better than ML. No doubts.
21 cigs! It wasn’t easy but I did it! Camels hit hardest in my lungs. Smoothest today.

Ok, but taste is a bit off.

Standing on the platform, Sarah wondered whether the people around her could tell that she had smoked thirty-one cigarettes over the last two days. She did. There was that noticeable and undeniably feeling in her chest as if there was junk clogging her lungs. The same feeling you get with a stinking cold. She knew it was probably more due to her imagination since it was highly unlikely that the tar left behind by the deep drags she had inhaled could be really felt, particularly after only 31 cigarettes.

• •

Well, relatively speaking, of course. It was a huge number for her, but nothing her Mum couldn’t easily do in one single day. Heck, Sarah still remembered well the Christmas party at Anna’s and John’s place only a few years earlier, when Carla smoked an entire pack just in one evening! So, she knew that either all smokers in the world felt like gravel in their lungs at all times, or she was simply imagining things.

However, that still undisclosed evil part of her was so proud of her achievement that she almost hoped that some of the passengers in her train car would be able to tell that she had been smoking until the last moment she left the house. In a sense, the congested sensation in her chest made the accomplishment even more remarkable and even more worth celebrating.

But there was also another part of Sarah, the responsible and rational one, the part that had been controlling her for most of her life. And that part of her wasn’t happy.

She hadn’t heard much of that part lately, or more correctly, Sarah hadn’t listened to it as much as she had done before. But now that she hadn’t much more to do than staring out of the window and letting her thoughts wander freely, that part was making itself heard again. Loudly.

Sarah couldn’t really explain what had come over her in those last two days. She couldn’t possibly deny that her actions had been wrong, and she was ashamed because she felt she had abused her parents’ trust.

‘For Gods sake! I even had the courage to take that final drag of the cigarette I was smoking when Mum called on the phone yesterday evening!’ Sarah thought, now with less delight than the day before, when she felt a colossal rush of adrenaline when the smoke had hit her lungs while her Mum was talking on the other side.

The further away from home the train moved her, the more foolish and unnecessary all felt. There was suddenly an edge of anger inside of her that unsettled her. Sarah almost thought about making sure to destroy and throw away any remaining cigarette of hers as soon as she’d come back from the holiday.

Maybe, had she been at home at that moment she would have done it for real.

Or maybe, she would have stopped with the first pack in her hand and instead of trashing it, she would have opened it, pulled out a fresh cigarette and lit it with one of her now customary deep cheek-hollowing drags. Maybe even doubling it, allowing smoke to pour from her nostrils to empty her lungs from the first hit and increase the suction through the filter to pull even more smoke into her mouth.

Closing her eyes, Sarah could see the strain on her face as she completed the double-drag and then let a thick creamy dense ball of smoke linger momentarily in front of her cute lips, and then sharply inhale it without trepidation to the bottom of her lungs.

The thought playing in her head made Sarah shift position on her train seat. There it was, again. That sexual pent-up tension that she felt increasingly often when she saw herself smoke.

‘…and what about THAT?’ Sarah asked herself, thinking back to the unprecedented orgasms she had given herself the night before. Sarah had never felt anything like that, not even the few times she had had sex with her boyfriend of the time. She couldn’t understand what had happened, but it was clear it had something to do with smoking. Only imagining seeing herself smoke was making her feel warm inside, regardless of her being on the train!

***

The Easter holiday at her grandparents had been great as usual. Sarah was particularly close to her grandmother, and she loved visiting her. The food, the company, the holiday in general were a welcome break for the whole family and they all regretted time passed so quickly.

Upon her arrival, Sarah had been welcomed by her grandparents with all sorts of compliments and congratulations for the probable successful outcome of the test, for her good results at school, for her great looks.

“Look at you! I can’t believe how much you’ve grown since last I saw you!” Said grandma Ann after hugging Sarah hard and long as soon as she entered the front door.

“Stop it, grandma! You talk as if we hadn’t met in years.” Sarah protested jokingly.

“No, I’m serious Sarah. I can see that you’ve grown. You’re a young woman now.” Ann explained looking her granddaughter straight in the eyes. “I bet there’s a long queue of boys at school hoping to get in good with you, am I right?”

“Oh grandma…what are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about you. Beautiful as you are, I’m sure any boy at school would love to have a date with you!”

Sarah was blushing at the insisting compliments from Ann, but her grandmother was right. Even though Sarah wasn’t fully aware about it, there weren’t many guys at school who would have bent over backwards to have a chance with her. Sarah knew she was quite good-looking but hadn’t really grasped how much.

However, all compliments from both her parents and grandparents unsettled Sarah. Hearing them applauding her academic results, praising her responsibility and maturity was satisfying but also suffocating, as it fueled and gave new strength to her drive towards self-imposed perfection. Listening to all the appreciation made Sarah immediately think back to her box full of packs of cigarettes and to the two days she spent smoking all alone.

‘I wonder if they would think equally good of me if they knew what I’ve been up to?’ Sarah asked herself.

Sarah knew that most of those compliments were true, but never before had they been in such stark contrast with that new, devilish, and despicable part of herself that she was still trying to unfold and understand.

At the same time, she wondered if this new side of her was truly bad only because of the smoking. Sarah certainly didn’t think badly of her Mum or of Julia because they smoked, but it appeared that the same yardstick didn’t apply thinking about herself. In reality, what Sarah thought of as evil was a reaction, like an outlet valve, to her almost obsessive pursue or perfection. It was a less calculating side of her that sought for spontaneity and adventure instead of rigor and control. It would have been helpful for Sarah to think about it along those lines. Instead, she couldn’t avoid feeling regret and shame for having gone behind her family’s back.

The Easter holiday indeed offered Sarah plenty of time to think back at her secret smoking. It was very difficult for her to say where she wanted to go with it or what she wanted to achieve. Her initial goal to be able to mimic her Mum to try understanding what she may feel when smoking had been achieved since a long time. Then Sarah had talked herself into trying to smoke for a whole day, because that was what Carla and now also Julia did. But frankly speaking, Sarah couldn’t really justify the motivations for that.

So how to explain why she shouldn’t simply stop? All had gone well so far; she hadn’t been caught and her reputation was still intact. Oh yeah! Her reputation again. Why was she so obsessed with what others thought about her? And would it have been such a disaster if she had been caught smoking a cigarette?

Meanwhile, Carla was naturally smoking freely from the moment she woke up in the morning until she went to bed at night. Nobody in the family commented about it anymore. Of course, sad remarks had been made right after she had resumed smoking, but it had been a very small bush fire.

Being on holiday and free from any restraint, Sarah was sure that her Mum smoked at least a pack and a half a day of her beloved full-flavored Salem 100’s.

Sarah thought it was a fascinating display of passion for a habit which her Mum obviously loved dearly, but also an uncompromised surrender to slavery. She knew that Carla wasn’t able to resist for very long without smoking. For instance, breaking her own rules, she had smoked in the car while driving to the grandparents, because it would have been impossible for her to restrain for all those hours and impractical to take smoking breaks every thirty minutes.

Sarah wondered how she would feel on the way back, to sit in the confined and close space of the car, breathing her Mum’s secondhand smoke? For some ridiculous but inexplicable reasons, the idea didn’t sound unpleasant to Sarah. In fact, being around her Mum for days and smelling the smoke of her cigarettes had often projected her own mind towards her smoking sessions in the shed.

Sarah caught herself multiple times making mental notes about some new or interesting smoking detail or technique that she observed on her Mum and spontaneously thinking ‘I need to try that too!’ or asking herself ‘I wonder how she did that?’ or ‘Could I do the same?’

In the end, it wasn’t hard for Sarah not to smoke and after a few days. She woke up one morning and yawning she smiled to herself, she felt that her lungs were clear again. Regardless of all the thinking she could do, she couldn’t make up her mind. She knew the sensible thing would have been to never smoke again, but honestly, she couldn’t wait to get home to sneak out to the shed with a couple of cigarettes.

It was bad, but it was genuinely exciting, and she wasn’t ready to give up on the rush she got when strong smoke smashed in the deepest recesses of her lungs. Not to mention the thrill of watching those endless cones of smoke flowing from her pursed lips. Only thinking about it made Sarah all pent up with sensual energy.

Yes, it was bad. Yes, it was wrong. But it felt so liberating to do something meaningless and devious for the sole reason that it made her happy.

Chapter 17 – Springtime news

Upon returning home, things fell back into normal routines. After having thought long and hard about smoking during the Easter holiday, Sarah didn’t have any doubts about resuming visiting the shed every Tuesday and Thursday to smoke a couple of cigarettes. She decided to stop bothering about any moral aspect and chose instead to focus for once on her own happiness.

Although the day and a half that she had lived as a real smoker had indeed hardened her tolerance to the strong smoke and its nicotine, in only a couple of weeks her body readjusted to being almost a non-smoker again. Sarah discovered that her lightheadedness returned earlier and earlier for each session, and soon she was back to trying to balance the depth, intensity and frequency of her drags when smoking her second cigarette. But she didn’t mind. She knew her limits quite well so she was able to limit the effects to a nice buzz that wore off quickly afterwards.

More interestingly, Sarah found herself often aroused by watching herself smoke in the ever-present mirror. The feeling of poisonous loads of tar and nicotine rich smoke hitting vehemently at the bottom of her lungs made her tingle. She couldn’t understand it, but it was undeniable.

Watching her Mum smoke cigarette after cigarette had fascinated her for years, trying to imagine what she could feel and why she continued to smoke, day in and day out. Now that she had learned to smoke in a very similar way to Carla, Sarah had experienced firsthand how the smoke felt inside, but the fascination and curiosity had hardly subsided.

Sarah had become obsessed with that now familiar constricting and pressing sensation inside her chest. She understood the physics of it. The stronger the smoke she inhaled and the larger the drag she took, the more pronounced was the sensation. The stronger was the cigarette, the more intense was the jolt in her lungs. But also, that the more she felt it in her chest, she knew the more polluting and harmful it actually was for her.

Amazingly, she couldn’t resist it though, because the excitement and arousal were directly proportionate to how intense the smoking feeling was. Sarah rationalized it by telling herself that since she smoked so little,

she shouldn’t worry. ‘Heck! It’s not like I’m smoking all the time as Mum!’

***

To Sarah’s amusement, in the following weeks Luke became a habitual member of her friends group. Her first impressions of him were confirmed the subsequent times they met right after the Easter holidays, and she was happy that he hadn’t lost interest in her over the short break. Then, seriously, how could he? Sarah was probably one of the hottest girls in the whole school and she couldn’t know that Luke had spent the whole holiday counting hours before they met again.

Sometimes, Sarah and Luke didn’t go out with the whole group but went on dates on their own. It was clear to everyone that they liked each other, but many were also surprised that Sarah never complained about her boyfriend’s smoking. Linda, one of the still non-smoking girls in the group, commented more often than not that she found it gross that Sarah could consider kissing Luke although he smoked.

“I don’t understand how you can do THAT!” Linda said without even trying to hide the disgust on her face.

“Do what, exactly?” Replied Sarah, even though she knew what her friend was aiming at.

“Kissing him! I can smell the smoky breath on them when we’re out just by sitting next to them. It’s disgusting!”

“Well, I don’t think about it!” Sarah tried to explain. “I want a kiss and it’s nice anyway…”

It wasn’t true. In reality, she had noticed the strong taste of cigarettes on Luke’s breath when they were close, and much more when they kissed. Who knows? Maybe before learning to smoke, she too would have reacted as Linda, but now Sarah’s reaction was different. The smell and taste on his tongue and in his mouth was unpleasant, but the amazing thing was that Sarah was turned on by it rather than repulsed.

Her reaction to Luke’s kisses was similar to when she inhaled smoke; the stronger was the hit in her lungs, the more she felt excited. Sarah had soon

discovered that when they kissed passionately, smelling the strong tale of cigarettes on his breath drove her crazy with passion. Luke too had noticed with surprise that his non-smoking girlfriend wasn’t put off by his cigarettes, and early on he had asked her about it.

“Doesn’t it bother you that I just smoked a cigarette?” he asked trying as delicately as he could to push Sarah away as she was kissing him wildly.

“Should it?” she asked back with a challenging tone.

“Well, no…but I’m surprised that you never complain about it, I guess…” Luke sincerely commented.

Sarah had no intention of confessing to him about her own smoking or that it excited her to taste the strong smoky breath on him when they kissed. He wouldn’t understand. But how could he when she didn’t understand her own feelings either?

In the end, it wasn’t a subject worth spending too much time on. Having the fortune to call Sarah his girlfriend was more than enough for Luke. He was literally on cloud nine and was perfectly happy that his smoking wasn’t a problem for her. Sarah, on her hand, was quickly falling for Luke as well and couldn’t see any possible gains in clinging stubbornly to the smoking matter.

Admittedly, Sarah wasn’t as unaffected anymore by being surrounded by smokers. Her Mum’s constant smoking at home and her friends smoking around her at school and when going out, was getting under her skin, little by little. It wasn’t like an urge or a proper need to smoke as a true addicted smoker would have experienced, but Sarah found herself thinking with slowly increasing frequency that other people’s smoking looked nice, their cigarettes seemed appropriate and inviting.

The first time, she barely noticed her thoughts, maybe catching herself sniffing the smoke from a freshly lit cigarette drifting her way thinking it smelled nice. But as the weeks passed, her thoughts became more precise and concrete, as she could literally observe how a cigarette could fit nicely after a sumptuous Sunday meal at home or together with yet another round of drinks with her friends.

Naturally, the simple fact that Sarah thought those thoughts irritated her, because she wasn’t a real smoker, and she had no intention of becoming one. But, in the deepest recesses of her mind, right where nicotine had been viciously lurking in complete secrecy since the very start of her experimentations, that irritation was beginning to get fueled also by a clandestine feeling of missing out on something nice and pleasurable. The idea of freely lighting a cigarette.

Sarah was still oblivious of the consequences of a nearly yearlong regular smoking pattern, but never stopped to question the effect of her smoking sessions. Actually, if anything, during that spring she made sure to worsen her situation.

Up until the last week of April, Sarah had maintained her habit of smoking two cigarettes per session, alternating among her full flavor brands, trying to spread the consumption evenly. Reluctantly, after a while she had to smoke milder brands not to finish her preferred ones too quickly. This, however, forced a change in her patterns.

It was the last Thursday of April and after crushing out a Chesterfield 100’s, Sarah pulled out a Kim 100’s from the colorful half-full pack and lit up almost immediately. As expected, the smoke felt distinctively lighter, and Sarah tried as usual to compensate with deeper and longer drags. When also that second cigarette was finished, she put it out in the ashtray while exhaling a long sexy plume from her final deep double drag.

Smoking two cigarettes hadn’t taken much time and Sarah was immediately caught by a subtle annoyance that it all was over so soon.

‘Mom and Danny have probably not arrived at the tennis club yet…’ Sarah thought as she observed that she hadn’t been in the shed for even fifteen minutes.

She knew there was still plenty of time and the lighter cigarette hadn’t caused the same lightheadedness as a second full-flavor cigarette would have.

Sarah looked at the pack of Kim’s next to the ashtray and felt a surge of illicit excitement as her idea concretized in her consciousness. She picked up the pack, flipped the lid open, and extracted a third cigarette.

She didn’t even bother to rationalize her gesture. That ship had sailed, and instead she lit up with vehement conviction. It was a new step for her, but not an unexpected one as the smoke hit her lungs, she smiled. She immediately thought to make it her new standard, since evidently her body tolerated and liked two lighter cigarettes almost as well as a full-flavor one.

It was a good plan, she decided, because it finally gave her a good reason to smoke also the remaining light cigarettes that she otherwise avoided. ‘After all, it would be a waste to just through them away!’ Sarah told herself as she looked at the almost finished Kim between her fingers as she

readied to take a final deep drag before putting it out. In her notes she wrote:

Date Cigarette Sep.19 ML
Oct.5 ML Oct.26 ML Oct.31 PM-SL Nov.16 PM-SL Nov.21 SLM Dec.21 SLM Dec.28 SLM Jan.16 MF Jan.25 MF

ML Jan.30 CSFLD Feb.8 CSFLD Feb.15 PM-SL Feb.29 WST KIM
Mar.5 WST Mar.12 MR Mar.19 CML Mar.28 CML

Nic./Tar 0.8/10 0.8/10 0.8/10 0.4/4 0.4/4 1.3/17 1.3/17 1.3/17 0.9/11 0.9/11 0.8/10 1.1/15 1.1/15 0.4/4 1.3/16 0.7/12 1.3/16 1.2/15 1.3/17 1.3/17

Total cigs. 5
 10
16

17 23 24

33 34 40 45 46 48 54 56 61 62 64 66 72 77

Notes
Inhaled 1st time. Got sick.
Full cig: 10 drags. NP inhaling. Less sick. Always 3s drags. Light dizziness.
Easy to smoke. Great cig. No issues. Smoked 2 cigs like Mum
Xtra strong. Very dizzy. Must train more. 2s drags. Very intense.
1 drag as Mum: was great. Will do again. Easier to smoke. Had 2 in a row.
Getting good at this.
Double drags and nose exhales to finish. Stronger than I thought.

Still had 2. Used to them now.
Harmless. Almost smoked 3 today. Super creamy smoke & thick exhales. ~OK feeling. Low nic no dizziness. Smoked in the house: it was GREAT! Dad’s old cigs. Really nice
New cigs. Ugly pack. Nicely strong. Camels are not so bad.

KIM 0.7/12 78

Very bleak after the Camel. Awfully weak! Not worth buying. Nice pack but too light.
Slightly better than Kims.
Nice punch. Still many left. Better than ML. No doubts.

21 cigs! It wasn’t easy but I did it! Camels hit hardest in my lungs. Smoothest today.
Ok, but taste is a bit off.
Made two great snap inhales.

OK to smoke 1FF + 2LT.

Apr.3 PM-SL
KIM 0.7/12 87 MF 0.9/11 93 WST 1.3/16 94 MR 1.2/15 97 CML 1.3/17 99

Apr.4 CML
MR 1.2/15 106 WST 1.3/16 109

Apr.25 CSFLD
 KIM 0.7/12 120

0.4/4 82 1.3/17 102 1.1/15 118

However, already the following week, her plan led her to a new discovery, one for which she was absolutely not prepared.

Out of necessity, but with a certain reluctance, the following Thursday Sarah brought the pack of Philip Morris Super Lights to the shed. She didn’t like those light cigarettes at all but imagined that smoking two of them right after a Camel 100 could still be worth the effort.

But she was wrong.

At this point, nothing she did could change the fact that the smoke was unpalpable, without any texture and gave her no sensation at all. Sarah was indeed angered when she exhaled faintly after a finally double drag and proceeded to crush the first Philip Morris in the ashtray.

“This is ridiculous!” She protested out loud. “I can only do this twice a week at best, and these cigarettes are just indecent!”

Angry as she was, Sarah was rougher in her actions and broke off the filter from the cigarette she was putting out. She almost considered running back to her room to get any other cigarette pack from her stash to avoid having another of those unsatisfying things. But then, her gaze fell on the broken cigarette, and she recollected the pictures of her Dad smoking those unfiltered cigarettes that her aunt said were so bad.

Sarah hadn’t thought about those pictures in a long time now, and during her sessions in the shed she had never considered or wondered about the unfiltered cigarettes her Dad used to smoke. But that day, her brain simply made the connection at the sight of the filter almost entirely broken off the crushed Philip Morris Super Light she had just smoked.

Suddenly, in her brain, the idea of trying to smoke an unfiltered cigarette sounded so much better than wasting more time on another useless super- light. Actually, not only did the idea sound good, but it made her whole- body tingle in excitement, anticipation and anxiousness as if she had turned the time back to her first visits to the shed.

Her heart pounding in her chest, Sarah slid another Philip Morris out of the pack. The filter of the cigarette in the ashtray had broken off leaving a jagged edge, with blobs of tobacco leaves ready to fall off. It didn’t look clean and tidy.

Sarah ran carefully the edge of her index fingernail back and forth along the cigarette where the cork portion transitioned into the white paper, trying to determine exactly where the filter ended, and the tobacco started.

“There is the point…” Sarah whispered pressing ever so gently on the precise spot, leaving an almost imperceptible mark.

She looked quickly around in the shed and located a small box of tools that her Dad kept there for simple jobs that may be required on the garden furniture. In there, Sarah found exactly what she needed: a utility knife. She pushed out the blade and then carefully cut the cigarette on the mark.

Sarah was satisfied to see that the cut was perfect, at the exact separation between the filter and tobacco. She noted that the cut edge had left a very thin strip of cork colored paper at the end of her now filterless cigarette, so she decided that she would smoke it from the other end.

Without knowing it, she correctly wetted her lips with her tongue before carefully dangling the cigarette as she picked up the lighter. She was now so eager to light up that her hands trembled visibly.

The flame erupted at the first flick and as soon as it touched the tip, she dragged vigorously inundating her mouth with an unprecedented amount of exceptionally strong smoke. Sarah immediately noticed how little resistance there was to her suction, and how pungent the smoke felt as it amassed inside her oral cavity.

When she finally picked up the cigarette between the index and middle fingers of her right hand, Sarah was amazed by the reflected view in the mirror of the thickest ball of smoke that appeared momentarily in front of her open lips. It was so white, compact, and dense that she thought she could have scooped it up on a spoon. But the smoke disappeared immediately, as she bravely pulled that toxic mouthful inside her chest, to the bottom of her lungs.

The smoke smashed inside her and she immediately understood what Bill had meant when years ago he had talked about feeling breathless. That smoke wasn’t only dense to the view, it was thick, so thick that she felt as if it coated the inside of her lungs in a wet heavy blanket.

But she didn’t gag. And she didn’t cough, although unknowingly, her face distorted in a strained grimace as she fought the torrid smoke inside her.

She waited a few more moments to collected herself from the shock and then she began an elegant but mostly liberating exhale straight towards her reflection. The smoke kept flowing and Sarah needed probably four breaths before her lungs were cleared.

She sensed a buzz already growing stronger but was more interested in that unexpected discovery. She looked at her hand holding the cigarette and could clearly see wisps of smoke flowing out of the unfiltered end, whose paper was already a shade darker because a bit damp from her lips.

She knew immediately that smoking that filterless cigarette would be cruelly demanding, its smoke harsher and stronger than anything she had ever tried. None of the full-flavor brands she had smoked so far even came close to the suffocating intensity she had just experienced, but she was too enticed to stop.

Sarah took a couple of deep breaths and then returned the cigarette to her lips for another cheek- hollowing deep drag. Again, her mouth was filled to the absolute brim with another load of unfiltered smoke, and she didn’t think twice about inhaling it all after watching it swivel through her open lips.

The normal reaction to such a strong cigarette would have been to limit her drags and push more careful mouthfuls into her lungs. But Sarah didn’t smoke her cigarettes for comfort; she was interested in feeling the smoke as it ripped its way inside her body, and she had just discovered that smoking that unfiltered cigarette was on a completely different scale of intensity.

Certainly, she got dizzier by the drag, but she was also getting moist and warm down there. Sarah had to space her drags more and more to try coping with the effects of the nicotine overload but was eventually forced to put out the cigarette even though there was still more than a third left. It was a pity, she thought, but she was close to getting sick and she wisely chose not to overdo it.

“I’ll have other opportunities!” She wickedly reassured herself as thick smoke residuals punctuated her words.

After carefully covering her tracks, Sarah went back to her room and crashed on her bed to rest from her head-spin but more importantly to take care of her pent-up sexual desire that now required her urgent attention.

Chapter 18 – New love

Removing the filter from that Philip Morris Super Light had a disruptive effect on Sarah, because it reignited a glow towards smoking that had faded after the two days she lived as a smoker.

Upon returning from the Easter holiday, her sessions in the shed weren’t as exciting or challenging anymore. She still liked playing with different styles in front of the mirror, but her innate competitiveness wasn’t put to the test anymore. She hadn’t thought about it, but once the first unfiltered drag crashed at the bottom of her lungs, her fighting spirit awakened.

In fact, she spent counting the days until she could try a filterless cigarette again, and on the subsequent Tuesday, she actually smoked an unfiltered Multifilter first, leaving a Chesterfield 100 for second.

As she stood in front of the precisely positioned mirror, inhaling mouthful after mouthful of that ever so strong smoke, Sarah couldn’t avoid wondering how much more nicotine and tar that cigarette could deliver having removed the filter. She brushed her inner thighs against each other as that dark relationship she had towards smoking made her immediately feel warm and damp.

As the cigarette was getting shorter, Sarah noticed how the unfiltered end became a bit mooshy allowing tobacco leaves to stick to her lips. Instead of spitting them, she picked them with a free finger, thinking it was a much more elegant manner. It was certainly annoying, but the creamy smoke was undoubtedly worth a few leaves.

Down to the last third, the smoke became even stronger, and she distinctly felt how hot it still was in her mouth as it hadn’t the time to cool down from the now so close burning hots. The onset of a strong dizziness didn’t refrain Sarah from taking a deep check-hollowing drag. The ball of smoke that formed in front of her lips was impenetrably creamy, but she snapped it defiantly to her impotent lungs that were smashed by the noxious load.

Sarah felt her head spin even faster, but remained composed, watching attentively at her reflection, seized by the sexiness of her own decadence. Finally, she began a final exhale that was amazingly thick considering how long she had kept the smoke buried inside her chest. As she crushed the

remains of the cigarette in the ashtray, Sarah missed seeing how thick smoke residuals jettisoned from her nostrils over the following breaths, before her lungs were finally cleared.

Sarah never thought about it, but compared to a few months earlier, her body was tolerating much higher doses of nicotine. The proof was the fact that smoking an entire unfiltered cigarette got her dizzy but not sick and that stepping outside for a short pause to breathe some fresh air quickly helped her feel much better.

Full of competitive energy, Sarah returned to position in front of the mirror and didn’t hesitate to light up her second cigarette with a practiced long first drag. The smoke lingered in her mouth through her opened lips before she inhaled it all to the bottom of her lungs. Her eyebrows raised in surprise because that Chesterfield cigarette suddenly didn’t feel as harsh and scratchy in her throat as she remembered it.

Sarah looked at the cigarette between her fingers to verify that the brand was right, and then returned it to her lips for another prolonged drag.

“This feels so much smoother today…” Sarah quietly said to herself before exhaling the lungful buried in her chest.

Wanting to test her initial sensation, she returned the cigarette to her lips for another long drag and was indeed mesmerized that the smoke felt so much easier to inhale than the last time she had a Chesterfield 100. It didn’t scratch at the back of her throat as she remembered, and it didn’t feel as pungent and torrid in her mouth and on her tongue.

Not even a double-drag, when she pulled a three-second drag into her mouth as thick smoke gushed from her nostrils, delivered a punch as the previous unfiltered cigarette had. To her amazement, smoking that full- flavored cigarette felt easier than it had ever been.

But the nicotine was still there, and thanks to her deeper than normal drags it was flowing copiously into her bloodstream, adding to the elevated levels that the non-filtered Multifilter had produced. Drag after drag, inhale after inhale, the dizziness grew stronger until Sarah felt her feet and hands become cold. She recognized the symptoms and knew that she was close to getting sick again, as she used to get in the early days of

experimentation. She didn’t want to stop but had to, and took a final double-drag, extinguishing the cigarette although she had smoked only slightly more than half of it.

That night, she updated her notes.

Date Cigarette Sep.19 ML
Oct.5 ML Oct.26 ML Oct.31 PM-SL Nov.16 PM-SL Nov.21 SLM

Nic./Tar Total cigs. 0.8/10 5
 0.8/10 10
0.8/10 16

0.4/4 17 0.4/4 23 1.3/17 24

Notes
Inhaled 1st time. Got sick.
Full cig: 10 drags. NP inhaling. Less sick. Always 3s drags. Light dizziness.
Easy to smoke. Great cig. No issues. Smoked 2 cigs like Mum
Xtra strong. Very dizzy. Must train more.

Dec.21 SLM Dec.28 SLM Jan.16 MF Jan.25 MF ML Jan.30 CSFLD Feb.8 CSFLD Feb.15 PM-SL Feb.29 WST KIM
Mar.5 WST Mar.12 MR Mar.19 CML Mar.28 CML KIM Apr.3 PM-SL

KIM MF WST MR CML Apr.4 CML MR
WST Apr.25 CSFLD KIM May 2 CML

PM-SL
PM-SL May 7 MF NF CSFLD NF

1.3/17 33 1.3/17 34 0.9/11 40 0.9/11 45 0.8/10 46 1.1/15 48 1.1/15 54 0.4/4 56 1.3/16 61 0.7/12 62 1.3/16 64 1.2/15 66 1.3/17 72 1.3/17 77 0.7/12 78 0.4/4 82 0.7/12 87 0.9/11 93 1.3/16 94 1.2/15 97 1.3/17 99 1.3/17 102 1.2/15 106 1.3/16 109 1.1/15 118 0.7/12 120 1.3/17 124 0.4/4 125 ?/? 126 ?7? 127 1.1/15 128

2s drags. Very intense.
1 drag as Mum: was great. Will do again. Easier to smoke. Had 2 in a row.
Getting good at this.
Double drags and nose exhales to finish. Stronger than I thought. Still had 2. Used to them now.
Harmless. Almost smoked 3 today. Super creamy smoke & thick exhales. ~OK feeling. Low nic no dizziness. Smoked in the house: it was GREAT! Dad’s old cigs. Really nice
New cigs. Ugly pack. Nicely strong. Camels are not so bad.
Very bleak after the Camel.
Awfully weak! Not worth buying.
Nice pack but too light.
Slightly better than Kims.
Nice punch. Still many left.
Better than ML. No doubts.
21 cigs! It wasn’t easy but I did it! Camels hit hardest in my lungs. Smoothest today.
Ok, but taste is a bit off.
Made two great snap inhales.
OK to smoke 1FF + 2LT.
Nice and strong.
Like air. Worthless.

No filter! Amazingly strong!
 NF is most intense ever!!
Felt so smooth/easy after a NF!

It goes without saying that two days later, Sarah was back in the shed ready to smoke two cigarettes again, the first of which was obviously unfiltered. This time she had cut the filter off from one of the remaining Kim’s and just as the two previous times, she lit up without visible signs of apprehension and inhaled deeply all the smoke.

Sarah noted that this cigarette felt and tasted differently from the two previous filterless ones she had smoked. It was hard for her to say for sure, but somehow it didn’t feel just as overwhelmingly strong, probably she thought because it was slimmer. In reality, she couldn’t know as there was no way to tell what the nicotine and tar content might have been once she removed the filter. She reasoned that relatively speaking, a stronger cigarette to start with would remain stronger also after removing the filter.

What Sarah realized with certainty was that she wasn’t convinced by the look of the slimmer cigarette. She had learned from the ads in her Mum’s magazines that slim cigarettes were supposed to be more feminine, but she couldn’t help but prefer the king-sized ones.

Notably however, after finishing the unfiltered Kim, Sarah didn’t feel just as dizzy as two days prior, confirming in her mind that it probably wasn’t just as strong. She chose anyway to step outside of the shed for a quick pause before lighting up a Winston 100’s. She was more than curious to see how it would taste and feel, since with 1.3 mg of nicotine and 16 mg of tar it was evidently stronger than the Chesterfield she had smoked on the previous Tuesday.

Sarah carefully noted all the sensations she felt as she went through her repertoire of cheek- hollowing drags, mouth and nose exhales, snap, or open-mouth inhales, alternating single and double-drags. Her final verdict was, however, the same as before. It was indeed much easier now for her to smoke full-flavored cigarettes.

***

There was now no turning back for Sarah. Every time she visited the shed on Tuesdays and Thursdays, she always started by smoking a filterless cigarette from one of her light brands, followed by a full flavor filtered one. It was her new standard routine, and she was too devoted to the overwhelming sensations that unfiltered smoke gave her to even imagine stopping.

The fact that the much stronger smoke was also more noxious and dangerous didn’t dissuade her at all. In fact, if anything, it made the deed even more irresistible. She was literally in love with the breathlessness sensation she felt when she inhaled three-second-long cheek-hollowing drags to her helpless lungs, being painted in tar, the feeling as the thick smoke engulfed and daubed the alveoli from within.

In the matter of only a few weeks, Sarah thought she finally understood the reason why her Dad had sounded so longingly dreamy when many years before he had commented about the time he used to smoke filterless cigarettes. At the time, she didn’t have a clue, and the words he used sounded in such violent contrast with the look in his eyes and the memories he described.

But Sarah now understood. She too had discovered the decadent seduction of that smoke, so creamy and thick that it almost looked like a liquid in her mouth, so strong that it left her gasping for air as it inundated her lungs.

As May rolled towards the end and she had the equivalent of half a pack of non-filters under her belt, a fly on the wall would have noted that the strained grimace was long gone from Sarah face.

Not only was she now able to smoke even filterless cigarettes without difficulties, but she had acquainted enough to experiment with her tricks.

Now, she wasn’t afraid of finishing those cigarettes too with deep double drags as she normally did with any other brand, and actually liked saturating her sinuses with that acrid smoke that she sometimes did it more than once per cigarette.

But that fly would have also noted that as Sarah got more and more accustomed to non-filters, her smoking style progressively changed when she smoked a filtered cigarette. If possible, her drags grew in length and

intensity to compensate for the fact that she no longer felt their smoke so strong anymore.

Sarah never realized it, but when she lit up a Salem 100 after a filterless Philip Morris, she smoked it more aggressively than her Mum ever did. The mentholated smoke was so smooth to her that she practically doubled nearly every drag without feeling any adverse sensation. Probably Carla could have followed suit, but she never felt the need on her own to smoke with such eagerness, if not after a long time of deprivation.

Thanks to those unfiltered cigarettes, Sarah had firmly pushed off down the slippery slope that would soon lead her towards facing the true consequence of a year of secret smoking experimentation. She was still naively unaware, her only focus being on taking every opportunity she had to smoke more of those terrific cigarettes she had so quickly become obsessed with.

In fact, as the calendar turned into June, Sarah became more stressed about the fact that summer break was approaching fast, and with it were the final exams. Funnily though, it wasn’t the preoccupation of the exams that worried her the most. It was instead the realization that her smoking experiments would soon come to an end.

‘Oh my God! In only three weeks I won’t be able to do this anymore!’ Sarah thought as she was setting up the mirror in the shed on the first Tuesday in June. It was now hot and stuffy in the shed. The sun was shining through the window. It was becoming genuinely unpleasant sitting there.

She hadn’t thought of it until that very moment, and now the idea that a forced stop was so close stressed her greatly. Naturally, she should have questioned the reasons why she was so upset, but she never did, her mind working on a completely different train of thoughts.

“What am I supposed to do with all the cigarettes I have left?” She said out loud with true concern. “I can’t throw them away, can I? What if someone finds all the packs in the trash bin…?”

That hidden recess of her mind where nicotine had been lurking in the shadows for months was really playing tricks on her. Sarah’s concerns were real, but her reactions were far from rational.

Not only did she immediately decide that her best option was to try to increase to three cigarettes a session to at least minimize the waste. But not really thinking it through, she opted for doubling the number of those nasty unfiltered cigarettes which, if anything, was going to make her situation even worse. It was as if Sarah was panicking, and in an irrational state of mind, her priority was to leave as few cigarettes unsmoked as possible. So, in her mind, smoking twice as many filterless cigarettes was going to make sure that she would finish all her packs of lighter brands.

So, following her plans, on the first Tuesday of June, Sarah smoked two unfiltered Marlboro Light 100’s and finished with a full-flavored Marlboro Red 100. She needed two breaks to try limiting her dizziness but soldiered stubbornly on.

She took advantage of those last sessions in the shed to practice and perfect her techniques, regretting that she was never able to get a grasp on how to do smoke rings. Truth to be told, she sometimes managed to produce some rings, but they were a far cry from the distinct, well-shaped and dense rings that Carla would showcase.

Sarah repeated with meticulous attention to details snap inhales, open- mouth inhales, nose exhales or different kind of cone exhales, scrutinizing in the mirror her performance. She began counting seconds when dragging to make sure she took large enough mouthfuls of smoke; she tried to take double-drags as often as her body allowed, not caring about the dreadful filterless smoke she packed in her lungs.

Sometimes, she exhaled the first lungful through her nostrils while vigorously dragging again, but other times she kept it all in her lungs, pulling a second colossal load of smoke on top of the first. She reckoned that it was quite easy to do now with full-flavored filtered cigarettes, and actually she should have been worried by how easy it was for her. But amazingly, she was able to do so even with non-filters, even if she felt almost breathless afterwards.

During those final sessions, Sarah also finally finished the pack of Salem 100’s. When she had smoked the first cigarettes from that pack she had been shocked by their strength, whereas now, after a couple of unfiltered ones, she found them soothing as if the mentholated smoke alleviated the scratchiness and harshness left from the previous much stronger smoke.

On the last week of school, being out of lights, Sarah even removed the filter from a Chesterfiled 100. She shouldn’t have needed to, since all light brands were finished, but had completely lost track of her rationales. In her mind, she was supposed to smoke two unfiltered cigarettes, so after the last Kim in the pack she smoked two from the pack of Chesterfield’s.

When she crushed the final cigarette in the ashtray on Thursday before the last day of school, her heart was heavy. That day, she had smoked all three cigarettes as far as she could, even taking more frequent drags than usual, knowing that there was a concrete chance that those could be the last cigarettes she ever smoked.

She was proud of the astonishing conquest she had mastered, learning to smoke all those brands with such perfect style. She knew she looked amazing when she smoked, having paid attention to every detail. In her sadness she didn’t even notice that she had smoked three cigarettes almost back-to-back without needing to step outside or to take a break. As she reluctantly watched the final exhale flow through her lips, she wondered if she was ever going to smoke a cigarette again.

Little did Sarah know what fate had planned for her.

Chapter 19 – The knots come home to roost

It was Saturday night. School had ended the week before and so had her brother’s and her sport practices, which as expected, had cancelled any of Sarah’s opportunities to escape the house to smoke.

But that particular night Sarah didn’t want to think about it. After the end of the school year, Sarah and her closest friends had been out partying almost every night to celebrate. That particular Saturday Julia and Sarah had planned to keep the venue more intimate, only meeting a few of the closest friends, among which, naturally, was Luke since he and Sarah were almost inseparable.

Sarah’s Dad and her brother Danny were gone for the weekend as they had planned to go to a big car show. Danny had begged to go, and the trip was a late birthday present. Carla and Bill had used the prospect of the trip as incentive to push Danny to do better at school, not because he struggled, but because he had been too lazy and not studied enough.

Being home alone, Carla had suggested inviting Julia over for some pre- party and girl-talk. Sarah didn’t mind, because her Mum knew how to have fun and she was certain that she would make sure to replenish the house stocks of wine and beer.

What Sarah hadn’t thought about was the two of them smoking.

As soon as the three of them had sat down in the kitchen and Carla had offered the first round of beers, Sarah witnessed as both light up a cigarette in near perfect sync. It was no secret that Julia smoked regularly, and Carla had told her long before that she was free to smoke whenever she desired.

Carla and Julia didn’t stop at that one cigarette but lit up again soon after extinguishing the first one. Sarah knew that her Mum could be a fearsome chain-smoker, especially once she started having drinks and fun. It seemed that she simply needed to have a cigarette burning between her fingers at all times, and that Saturday afternoon was no different.

Sarah was quite amazed that Julia was following suit, clearly also thanks to her Mums encouragements. Carla would extend her lighter towards Julia when she lit up her own cigarettes, without even caring if Julia was ready to smoke or not. The first time, Julia declined politely the offered

fire, but already the second time around she quickly dug a fresh cigarette out of her pack of Marlboro Light 100’s to accept the courtesy.

Sarah couldn’t be sure, but she had the distinct impression that her Mum was doing it on purpose, to push Julia to smoke at her own pace. There was that imperceptible devilish nuance in Carla’s smile when she extended her lighter towards Julia that Sarah just couldn’t explain. But as the glasses of beer were replaced by glasses of chilled white wine, that evil shade became even more evident, and Sarah had no more doubts.

There was a thick haze in the kitchen and all that smoke was getting under Sarah’s skin.

After a couple of hours and a bit too much alcohol too quickly, the three women were tipsy. Julia extracted yet another cigarette, lit up and kindly extended her lighter towards Carla who obviously accepted happily.

“I’m sorry, dear, that we smoke so much.” Carla said to Sarah. “You must hate us…”

“Don’t worry, Mum. I’m fine…” Sarah replied halfheartedly, although feeling a distinct discomfort in the pit of her stomach. Watching Carla and Julia smoke cigarette after cigarette was troubling her more than she wanted to admit.

“…nah…no worries! Sarah is used to being in smoky environments. Most of our friends smoke…” Julia pitched in and got an awkward stair from Sarah.

“What? It’s true. You never complain when we’re out and everyone smokes!” Julia added and exhaled provocatively in Sarah’s general direction.

Sarah didn’t like where the discussion was going, and hoped that it would help if she didn’t counter her friend’s statement.

But it didn’t work.

“You know…At some point I was convinced that Sarah had started smoking…” Carla said laughing but with a serious tone.

“Really?” Julia was surprised and took a vigorous drag as she waited for more details.

“This autumn, Sarah totally reeked of cigarette smoke when she came home from school, and even worse after going out in the weekends…”

“Well, look at my best friend, Mum!” Sarah replied, pointing theatrically at Julia who was exhaling unapologetically towards the ceiling, adding more smoke to the thick fog. “Can you imagine why I smelled of smoke?”

“Yes, I know many of your friends at school smoke…At the time though I didn’t know that YOU did, Julia.”

“Well, I was already smoking, but it was only after telling my parents that I REALLY started smoking! If you know what I mean?”

“Yeah, I can imagine…” Carla added whilst holding the smoke from her finished Salem 100 buried in her lungs. Then, after a long exhale, she continued.

“But smelling the strong stale smoke on your clothes and hair did really worry me.” Carla looked at Sarah, who was increasingly uncomfortable. “I can’t be sure why, but I was really convinced that you smoked.”

And then Julia surprised Sarah.

“Well, truth to be told…I really did try to get Sarah to smoke with me!” Julia said out of the blue. “Actually, we all did, many times. We all offered Sarah a puff or begged her to try, but she never did…”

Sarah was sure her Mum would be pissed at Julia for what she said but was even more surprised that she started laughing instead. What was going on?

Carla extracted yet another Salem from her pack and lit up Julia first before taking care of her own cigarette. How many cigarettes had they already smoked? Sarah didn’t know anymore, but at that point they were practically smoking one after the other, fueled by the chilled wine and their tipsiness.

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing!” Sarah blurted out.

“We’re only talking…” Julia said defensively. “Why are you mad?”

“…well…because this is stupid!” Sarah replied, hating that she couldn’t come up with anything better than THAT. But she couldn’t tell them that talking about smoking in reference to herself was uncomfortable as hell. That sitting there in that kitchen and breathing through that thick haze of cigarette smoke was beginning to make her edgy. That watching them smoke was more appealing than she could ever admit.

“Hey. Relax!” Julia teased back. “…why don’t you try a puff from my cigarette? It may help!”

Julia and Carla both cackled a laugh out loud as Sarah’s blood froze in her veins. For a split second, she had considered sealing her lips around the filter of Julia’s cigarette that she had exaggeratedly

extended her way and take a colossal drag. Now, instead, as her best friend and Mum laughed, she sat there feeling her head spin.

The doorbell rang and Sarah returned to reality.
“This must be Luke!” she said and jumped off her chair to go opening the door.

Normally, her Mum and Julia would never have said any of those things, but they were inebriated by the beers and wine and were exaggerating, without even knowing it. However, the conversation in the kitchen was way too weird and Sarah was getting seriously annoyed. She too could have been less affected if she hadn’t had a few glasses too many. Plus, the more time passed, the more alluring the other women’s smoking looked to her.

“Hi sweetie!” Luke said smiling as Sarah threw her arms around his neck to plant a big wet kiss on his lips.

Luke smiled as he smelled the alcohol on his girlfriend’s breath, and Sarah the strong taste of fresh cigarette in his mouth. As it had occurred lately, instead of being repulsed by it, Sarah was seduced by it and immediately felt that familiar warmth beginning to spread from her lower abdomen.

“Come in…” she said provocatively, leading him into the kitchen.

“Oh, Hi Luke!” Carla said as he appeared on the kitchen door. “So nice to see you again. Please have a seat!”

And then looking at Sarah, Carla added: “Why don’t you fix a glass for Luke, or would you prefer a beer?” She asked turning to him.

“A beer would be nice, thank you!”

Luke couldn’t but noticing the thick smoke lingering in the room, and the number of spent butts in the ashtray on the table was a good indication of the number of cigarettes that Carla and Julia had already smoked.

“Please, feel free to smoke if you want!” Carla said to him as she was aware of her daughter’s boyfriend’s smoking habit.

It wasn’t the first time that Luke and Carla had met. Sarah had never hidden her relationship with him, and he had many times passed by the Johanson’s to pick her up or after a date. However, he had never smoked before in front of Sarah’s Mum, but after a few clunks of beer and as he watched Carla extended her lighter towards Julia to light her up again, Luke was more than ready for a cigarette on his own.

Frankly, Luke wasn’t sure why it felt so awkward to smoke in front of Sarah’s Mum. Heck, he smoked in front of his own parents and family without thinking about it. Nevertheless, as he slid his soft pack of Marlboro Light’s out of the pocket of his jeans, he felt tense.

The pack was a bit smashed, but he thought the soft pack looked cooler than the flip-top box. He gently slid a cigarette out of the pack and lit up with his Zippo, another gadget that he thought matched the overall package.

Sarah was snuggled up next to him, and didn’t finch as his own smoke started floating her way. He still couldn’t stop being surprised that she never complained about his smoking as all his previous girlfriends had done. As a non-smoker, it wouldn’t have been strange at all if Sarah had remarked

about his smoky-breath, or about his cigarette smoke going into her face or generally annoying her. But no, never. Sarah never complained. Luke was sure he imagined things, but he sometimes got the impression that her

kisses had been more passioned after he smoked, but that wouldn’t make any sense, would it?

Sarah was relieved that Carla and Julia had dropped mocking and picking on her since Luke had joined the party, and really hoped that the evening would continue in a more enjoyable direction. Pressing her body against him as she sat as close as she could, holding tight to his muscular arm, she had to admit that she felt all warm and loving.

He had obviously very recently shaved as the smell of his after-shave was distinct even if mixed with the smoke of his cigarette burning close to her face. Right, his cigarette. It was so close, and Sarah found herself staring at it more than once, as the smoke rising from the burning tip tickled her nose.

Carla smiled at the view of her beautiful daughter. Not surprisingly given her gorgeous looks, Sarah had had many boyfriends, but Carla couldn’t recall having ever seen her so evidently in love. It was so obvious. Watching as she cuddled next to Luke, impervious of all his smoke, Carla thought it was almost surprising that she couldn’t hear her purr.

The smoke of his cigarette…Sarah was practically breathing his second- hand smoke…Wasn’t that a bit strange?

Carla lit up yet another Salem 100. Her cigarettes were just too wonderful to resist, especially now that she was definitely feeling the effects of the alcohol. Holding that first powerful drag buried deep down in her lungs as a precious treasure, she took a sip of wine before almost reluctantly exhaling a tight cone towards the overhead lamp hanging over the table.

She had lost count of how many cigarettes she and Julia had smoked already that evening. Too many for sure, but she didn’t care. She loved to smoke, she always had. Even before quitting. But back then she tried to deny the truth to herself, fighting an internal battle with her conscience, always feeling guilty for the pleasure that those devilish cigarettes never failed to provide.

Starting to smoke again had been devastating for Carla, but she had finally accepted the truth, and she had promised herself to never again feel guilty for lighting up a cigarette. Free from her own mental and moral

constraints, her smoking habit had flourished, and Carla was aware that she probably smoked more than she should. Especially on occasions like that evening, when having fun and drinking, it was close to impossible for her to refrain. It was as if she needed to have a cigarette constantly going.

However, Carla was impressed by the fact that Julia was almost keeping up to her pace without apparent discomfort. It wasn’t a long time ago since the news that Sarah’s best friend smoked had become official. It had made Carla suspect strongly that Sarah might also smoke, since the two girls were so close.

For weeks Carla had kept a vigilant eye on her daughter, never being able to get any conclusive result. She even counted the cigarettes left in her packs, but never found anyone missing. Nevertheless, she couldn’t avoid having the impression that Sarah often scrutinized her when she smoked. What unsettled Carla, was that she had the impression that Sarah didn’t watch over her in the annoyed and condescending way that would have been natural to expect…

Over time Carla’s suspicion had faded as she failed to gather any decisive facts apart from circumstantial but unsettling feelings, and every time she talked with Bill about it, he thought she simply was paranoid.

But there was Sarah, sitting happily for hours in that very smoky kitchen, breathing God-only-knows how much second-hand smoke from all the cigarettes that already accumulated in the overflowing ashtray. The doubt in Carla’s mind was growing again.

She refilled everyone’s glasses.

Driven by a growing arousal and more audacious thanks to the wine her Mum offered, Sarah leaned in to kiss Luke. The discrete cute peck on his lips shifted into a much wetter kiss, her drive fueled by the strong taste of smoke on his breath.

Julia giggled at the sight. “We’re still here!” She shouted laughingly as she exhaled the final lungful of smoke from her cigarette, as she extinguished it in the ashtray.

Carla was shocked, not for the kiss but because she was sure she had seen wasps of smoke drift from the boy’s lips after Sarah moved a bit away

from Luke, who was visibly blushing. Shouldn’t it be more normal if Sarah were repulsed by the surely strong taste of smoke on Luke’s lips and tongue? Carla was puzzled.

“Sarah, dear, would you mind grabbing a fresh pack of cigarettes for me?” She asked noticing her empty pack on the table.

Sarah looked questioning at her Mum.

“I don’t know if I dare testing how stable I am on my feet…” Carla added as she lifted her half empty glass of wine.

“Ok…” Sarah said a bit reluctantly, as she went towards the cupboard where her Mum stored her packs.

“It’s so practical that she knows where I store them!” Carla commented faking a regal tone, jokingly implying to be served.

“Aren’t you afraid she might steal packs behind your back?” Julia chimed in.

‘Here we go again…’ Sarah thought, fearing that Carla and Julia could again resume mocking her with reference to smoking. What was happening that evening? Why was it so irresistible to talk about her and smoking? Sarah was already sufficiently stressed by the constant smoking all around her, that had never affected her so strongly.

“Should I Sarah?” Carla asked, failing to cover a teasing tone in her voice.

“Why should you?” Sarah snapped shortly.“You don’t smoke, that’s right. Right?”

“Right.”
“But then you have no problems breathing in all our smoke…”

Sarah couldn’t stop throwing an irate look at her Mum, but Carla didn’t notice, or she didn’t care.

“You must have smoked like half a pack only by sitting with us tonight…” Julia commented, for some reason finding it funny to tease her best friend.

“Knock it off!” Sarah intimated whispering in growing anger.

Luke sat silently, not really knowing what was going on. He took a final drag from his second cigarette and put it out in the ashtray.

“Well, it’s true!” Julia added.

Carla nodded and went on. “Sarah, be a dear and peal the foil off the pack for me. My fine motor skills are probably impaired by the wine…Plus, you’re standing next to the bin so you can throw the plastic right away.”

Without comments, hoping that not fighting back was the best way to treat the jokes, Sarah expectedly removed the thin foil and then pushed the fresh pack to her Mum, who immediately pulled a new cigarette out and lit up.

“Ah! I needed it!” She said theatrically before exhaling a nice cone across the table.

Julia followed suit, but with her Marlboro Light dangling unlit from her lips, she extended her pack to Sarah.

“Maybe you could have one too, instead of only inhaling our waste? After tonight you probably wouldn’t even cough that much” Julia laughed.

“Seriously! What’s wrong with you tonight?” Sarah asked annoyed to her Mum and best friend, and instead of sitting back next to Luke she walked towards the door.

“I’ll be back in a sec Luke. I need to go powdering my nose…”

Walking away Sarah was really irritated. Frankly the jokes were not so serious, but she had always hated talking about smoking, because it was such a sensitive topic for her, and she never knew how to maintain a believable distance. Being tipsy as she was certainly didn’t help her judgements and by now she was fully aware that she was experiencing the effects of some sort of smoking withdrawal.

Never before had she so clearly desired to smoke a cigarette on her own. And listening to Carla and Julia teasing her about smoking was definitely striking a nerve.

Upon returning back, as Sarah was approaching the kitchen door, she stopped still hidden behind the hallway door. She stood in furtive silence listening to the conversation in the kitchen and didn’t believe what she heard.

“…you thought I had pushed Sarah to smoke?” It was Julia’s voice speaking.

“Well, yes. At some point I was pretty sure. But I didn’t have proofs…”

“And then she announced she was dating me, right?” That was obviously Luke.

“Exactly. Both of you smoked, and she reeks of smoke so often when she gets home.” Carla explained.

“I know I probably shouldn’t say this, but I’ve tried many times to get her to try a cigarette…” Julia confessed.

“…and?”
“…and she has never accepted. Not even a drag.”
“It’s OK Julia. I’m not mad. I’ve been your age too…” Carla said to Julia. “You almost seem disappointed, Mrs. Johanson…” That was Luke asking. Carla scoffed, “I told you before, Luke. Call me Carla!”
“OK, sorry. But I am right, Carla?”

“…I don’t know. I guess not. It’s a good thing that our children haven’t picked up smoking, regardless of my and Bill’s bad example. And yours too, for that matter!”

Both Luke and Julia looked for a moment at their feet, but Sarah couldn’t see that. Carla took a long deep cheek-hollowing drag and then continued pensively.

“Sarah is a great kid. She’s smart, beautiful and I’m very proud of her. Just so you know – young man – I hope you’re aware of what a catch you did!

But I guess none of that would change if she smoked, right? How could I be disappointed in her for smoking when I sit here chain-smoking like if there was no tomorrow!”

Sarah picked up her jaw from the floor, took a few furtive steps backwards and then made sure to be heard as she entered the kitchen. The others went guiltily silent, and Sarah sat back next to Luke and gave him a sweet kiss on his cheek.

Carla wondered for a moment if Sarah could have overheard what she just said, but there was no way of knowing. After a few moments of unnatural silence, Carla spoke.

“More wine? This bottle is empty!”

“Yes please!” Julia replied hurriedly as Carla was already standing in front of the fridge. ‘So much for being too drunk to get your cigarettes!’ Sarah thought looking at her Mum.

Luke sensed the tension and reached for his pack. He knew that a cigarette would certainly relax him. The cigarette he pulled out was a bit mangled. It happened sometimes, it was the risk he paid for putting his soft packs in his jeans pockets. He tried to straighten it a bit, and then lit up.

But it didn’t light up properly, so he flicked the lighter again and moved the flame to the tip once more, with better but not satisfactory results. He looked puzzled, and Carla told him.

“That’s what happens when you smash your packs. You risk breaking the cigarettes. I bet the paper is torn somewhere…”

Luke examined the half burning cigarette, until he found that the paper was torn just next to the filter.

“Great!…” he said sarcastically.

“You can try putting your finger on the hole. If that doesn’t work, you have two options. You can throw it away or you have to take the whole filter off.” Carla explained matter-of-factly while refilling the glasses with more wine.

Luke pinched the cigarette at the top of the filter between his thumb and index finger so that he could seal the ripped paper and then tried lighting up again.

This time the cigarette was lit, but the damage was too great to get a proper seal, so most of the suction from his lips was wasted, and only a small portion of smoke reached to his mouth. Luke tried a couple more times, taking rapid drags but with the same poor results.

“It’s broken…” he said with pained voice and opted to break off the filter entirely.

Sarah was looking from his side with deep interest and felt a ripple of eagerness spread through her whole body at the sight of the now unfiltered cigarette. Luke hadn’t done as clean of a job as she always did, but she reckoned that the filter had separated quite precisely.

She gazed as Luke took a very timorous drag and inhaled doubtfully. She had to suppress a smile when she saw him make a shocked face as the poor guy choked as the strong smoke hit his lungs.

“Strong, isn’t it?” Carla asked with a bit of mockery. “Dreadful!” Replied Luke.

‘You really don’t get it, dear!’ Sarah thought, now feeling really eager to have a drag too.

“Let me try too!” Said Julia who had her own cigarette burning in one hand but extended the free one to pick the unfiltered Marlboro from Luke.

She looked briefly at it with respect, inspecting it as if it was the first time seeing a cigarette. Then she moved it to her lips and took a slightly more daring drag than Luke’s, only to try to prove her superiority, but still a far cray from Sarah’s customary size.

Julia immediately felt the harshness of the smoke in her mouth and would have spurted it all out but she didn’t want to look like a fool. Encouraged by the alcohol in her system, she inhaled sharply but the sensation in her lungs was far stronger than she could have imagined.

Sarah watched closely as her best friend fought against that unfiltered strong smoke, her eyes wide open and beginning to water, until she began a quick exhale to expel the noxious fumes.

“You two are cute…Give me that thing!” Ordered Carla, ready to bring the youngsters in line.

Carla de-ashed the cigarette in the ashtray, then ran her tongue on her lips to wet them before inserting the filterless cigarette. Confidently she took a cheek-hollowing drag just as she normally would on a Salem 100 of hers. The cherry burned bright until she released the suction, moved the cigarette away from her lips and exposed a thick ball of smoke, creamier and denser than anything Julia or Luke had ever seen.

Without any sign of hesitation, Carla inhaled the toxic mouthful to the bottom of her lungs. How many years had it been since she had tried an unfiltered cigarette? Back when Bill still used to smoke them, she could sneak a drag or two in desperate cases, but had never considered switching to them. She remembered the sensation as the thick smoke rushed inside her chest and had to concede that it was nicely gratifying, but she preferred the smoothness of her menthols. So easy to smoke, one after the other, and yet nice and strong to be satisfying even after all the years she had been smoking.

Sarah observed like a hawk and was literally dying for a drag on her own. She was so ready to bathe her lungs with smoke! She observed as her Mum elegantly exhaled a thick endless cone towards the ceiling and didn’t miss the mischievous smile at the corner of her mouth.

“…and that is how it is done! Thank you!” Carla announced to the crowd jokingly taking a curtain call.

“Wow! Carla, that was wild!” Luke exclaimed. “Thank you, Luke. Experience…” Carla smiled at him.

“I almost choked on my tiny drag, and you smoked it like anything!” Julia added. Then turning towards Sarah, she said in mockery: “Maybe you should try a drag too, so we have the complete scale from pro to rookie!”

Julia laughed at her own joke, while Sarah was quickly growing totally fed up with her friend’s attitude that evening.

“But I wouldn’t recommend it to you. It would probably make you cough your lungs out!” Julia insisted.

That was it. Sarah had heard enough. Her blood was boiling and her urge to feel the smoke smash into her own lungs was almost irresistible. Without letting her think, her mouth opened, and she heard herself answer back.

“Oh yeah? I’ll show you! Mom, give me that cigarette!”

Energized by her own words, without being fully conscious of what she was doing, Sarah rose from her chair and walked to the other side of the table where her Mum was petrified in disbelief. Sarah swiftly picked up the filterless cigarette from Carla’s hand, manicured it with practiced manners in the ashtray, and then moved it towards her waiting lips.

All the stares were on her, but Sarah didn’t notice them, fully concentrated on the sensation of the cigarette’s humid paper against her wetted lips as she sealed them to begin pulling smoke in her mouth. Sarah’s body was on autopilot, and her cheeks collapsed inwards as she sucked hard for one, two, three, almost four seconds while expelling air through her nose.

Then, she closed the Vee formed by her index and middle fingers to gently remove the cigarette and parted her lips to showcase a textbook colossal snap inhale that inundated her lungs with the strong smoke they had been dying for since hours.

The feeling was of absolute bliss and Sarah never noticed the astonishment on her Mum’s face, not to speak about the surprise and disbelief on Julia’s and Luke’s. Sarah let the smoke rest in her lungs to allow it to deliver the nicotine her body had been craving.

But she wasn’t done.

Sarah returned the cigarette to her lips and started a second equally devastating drag while exhaling smoke through her nostrils. Feeling her sinuses saturated with that strong smoke had never felt so satisfying and her lungs were more than happy to receive a second gift.

Finally, Sarah exhaled glamorously across the table while leaning forward towards the ashtray to reluctantly put out the now very short remains of the cigarette.

It took her no less than four breaths before her lungs were cleared again. No one spoke, still in utter shock for what they had just witnessed, and Sarah too was beginning to realize that she might have some explaining to do.

But not yet. First, she wanted to collect her prize.

“THAT’S HOW IT DONE!” She said triumphantly towards Julia, who was still petrified with her mouth and eyes wide open.

“What was that?” Carla finally spoke. “I mean, do you smoke after all?”

“No Mum, I don’t” Sarah replied. She was calmer now, but as the adrenaline faded from her bloodstream, she felt tired too. Sarah sat back down, but next to her Mum this time. “No, I don’t smoke. But I have tried it. Alone.”

“You have clearly done more than trying!”

“I tried it out of curiosity, but I’ve never intended to smoke all the time.”

“So how much do you smoke?”

“I don’t know…” Sarah lied, resenting herself for taking a defensive stand. “Probably something like a couple a week, on average.”

Julia and Luke sat in complete silence, understanding that this was now a talk between mother and daughter.

“I find it hard to believe, Sarah. I mean, smoking a filterless cigarette the way you just did isn’t something you learn by smoking a few cigarettes a week. Julia and Luke who smoke regularly choked on that thing.”

“I know, but it is the truth.” “So how did you do it?”

“It wasn’t the first time I smoked a cigarette without filter.”

Sarah went on telling her Mum the highlights of her experimentations, explaining how she focused on smoking style and driven by curiosity to try different brands, and how ultimately, she ended up trying non filters too.

Carla didn’t know what to say, so she did what she usually did in similar situations. She slid a Salem 100 from her pack and placed it between her lips, ready to light it up, but stopped. She looked at the pack still in her hand and then at Sarah sitting next to her and then asked:

“Would you want one on your own?”

Sarah was taken aback by the polite offer. Indeed, she was dying to smoke more, but it felt awkward to even consider saying yes to the offer. She still didn’t think of herself as a smoker, and she didn’t conceive the possibility that she might crave to smoke. Cravings were for smokers, and she wasn’t one. But it was also awkward to accept a cigarette from her Mum and smoke it in front of her, and Julia and Luke.

Carla saw the uncertainty in her daughter’s face, but was able to read the situation more honestly than her. After hours in the kitchen, surrounded by their smoke, Carla knew that Sarah was probably eager to smoke. Given the skills she just demonstrated she must have been.

“It’s OK Sarah, have one with me and let’s figure this out together.” Carla said motherly.

Now it was Sarah’s turn to be lost for words, but she did as her Mum said. She extracted a Salem 100 from the pack, placed it slightly off-center between her lips and leaned forward to accept the light from Carla’s lighter.

Automatically, Sarah started the new cigarette with another large and deep double drag, enjoying the relief that the nicotine-rich smoke provided her. Observing the scene, Carla knew that there was more to the story than Sarah had discovered, but she was also positive that Sarah hadn’t lied in her tale.

Carla would need to help Sarah understand.

Chapter 20 – Epilogue

Carla had suspected multiple times during Sarah’s high school years that her daughter might be smoking but had never found any substance to her fears. That is until Sarah actually smoked in front of her!

Sarah seemed sincere when she claimed that she didn’t smoke but only had occasional cigarettes on her own. However, the way she smoked told a different story. It was clear to Carla that it wasn’t the style of a novice, but that of a full-fledged smoker. Her deep unapologetic drags, the way she inhaled even unfiltered smoke to the bottom of her lungs, the confidence in all gestures and details were actually simply amazing.

Looking at her beautiful daughter now smoking, Carla’s own words resounded in her mind as she sat there in shock, trying to regain composure but unknowing of how to react. She had meant it, that she wouldn’t probably have the right to be mad or that she wouldn’t even feel angered had Sarah ever started smoking. But when she said it, all was hypothetical, and she wanted to look cool in front of Julia and Luke. Slowly, once the initial dismay had settled and her heartbeat started to get back to normal, a thought started to take shape in Carla’s mind.

Maybe, it wasn’t all that bad if Sarah smoked.

Hadn’t she tried in all possible ways to refrain her from starting? She hadn’t encouraged her in any way, hadn’t she? So, after all, it wasn’t Carla’s fault if Sarah had started. And wasn’t Sarah an adult now? She was old enough to know the consequences and to take responsibility for her actions.

Right?

…and if Sarah now wanted to smoke, how could she, from her more-than- thirty-cigarettes-a-day- habit, have anything to say?

Right?

Plus, frankly speaking, Carla needed to admit that the idea of having again a smoking buddy, someone to smoke with, sounded like a good thing. She loved smoking when her friends were visiting. Smoking together with someone was always so much better than smoking alone. Carla missed

smoking with Bill, and although she respected and honored his choice to stay quit apart from the occasional cigar, she missed the closeness and intimacy of smoking together.

If Sarah now were to start smoking, they could have plenty of opportunities to share smoking moments together. Didn’t that sound like a great prospect?

Right?

When Carla had offered a Salem 100 of her own to Sarah, all these ideas weren’t fully formed in her head yet, but the fact that she had accepted relatively easily the offered cigarette was a very positive sign that Carla could be onto something.

Naturally, once Sarah took those few amazing drags off that unfiltered cigarette, Julia, Luke and Carla diverted all their attention, inquiries and discussion towards Sarah and her smoking story. They all forgot about the previous plans for the evening and opened a new bottle of wine, ready to get all the answers they were dying to know.

In addition to refilling the glasses, Carla continued to offer cigarettes to Sarah and noticed that she refused them more and more seldom the longer they talked, drank and smoked. When Carla finally went to sleep that night, she made a mental note that she had opened a third pack of Salem 100’s and that Sarah had smoked five additional ones, and that she clearly didn’t feel it was awkward anymore.

Yes, Carla was quite positive that with just a subtle encouragement, Sarah wouldn’t mind beginning to smoke regularly with her. She would talk to Bill and explain to him that Sarah now smoked, making sure he wouldn’t give her a hard time. Carla felt she owed Sarah the favor.

Yes! This was going to be nice!

And, who knows…Maybe from time to time, they would even smoke some unfiltered cigarettes too. Those nasty things certainly delivered that punch that was quite satisfying. Carla had to remember to thank Sarah for reminding her of that.

***

When Julia arrived at Sarah’s place that Saturday, she could never have imagined that a few hours later she would have witnessed as her best friend smoked a cigarette like a pro! Julia could barely wrap her head around it.

She knew that she had probably been a little annoying with Sarah, not missing an opportunity to tease her or to pick on her. It wasn’t planned and all-in-all it was an innocent game. She loved her friend and cherished their friendship dearly. She would do anything for Sarah.

But, sometimes, it was hard to be with her. Julia was beautiful, fun, intelligent, but Sarah always seemed to have an edge. She had slightly better grades, she was better on the volleyball field, she was always the first pick of all the guys they met.

Not so difficult to understand though, because Sarah was really a beauty in her own league. Julia was great-looking; she made men’s heads turn wherever she went, but Sarah was that type of beauty that you wouldn’t be surprised to find on the cover of a glossy fashion magazine.

Julia was OK with it. It wasn’t a problem for her, but sometimes that competitive edge of hers demanded vengeance and respect.

So, that Saturday, once the alcohol had taken the edges off and lowered the inhibitions, Julia had started picking on Sarah on smoking. Not because she really believed that it would lead Sarah to actually trying a cigarette, but mostly to showcase that for once she was the superior one. Julia, and not Sarah, was the one who knew how to smoke.

Additionally, Julia reckoned that had Sarah fallen for the pressure and actually tried a puff, there was a good chance that she would end up coughing her lungs out, which in her inebriated state seemed like fun.

The desire to demonstrate her one superior skill was also the reason why Julia had been chain smoking the entire evening. She felt smoked out the whole time, but she pressed on trying the best she could to keep up with Carla to really show how great of a smoker she had become.

But, Oh My God! How much had Carla made her smoke? Julia knew that Sarah’s Mum smoked much more since returning to the habit, but that Saturday it seemed that she could never stop. Julia rarely smoked a whole

pack in a day, but continuously pushed to light up she had finished her own pack of Marlboro Light 100’s and ended up bumming from Luke, who fortunately smoked the same brand, but king size. Julia felt lucky that she didn’t have to finish the night bumming full-flavored cigarettes from Carla instead.

But then, when Sarah smoked in front of them, Julia felt that her advantage was erased all at once. Not only did Sarah know how to smoke, but she did smoke like her Mum if not even harder. Heck! Sarah took those colossal drags from that unfiltered cigarette without any problem. No, correction. She smoked it as if she really loved it!

Even with the very shallow and fearful drag that Julia had taken off that cigarette had almost made her choke like a rookie. Instead, Sarah’s drags had been huge, pulling monumental amounts of that strong smoke into her lungs without flinching. Not even Carla had done better.

At first, Sarah’s coming out had left Julia disappointed, since she felt beaten once more. But she decided quickly that it was instead good news. She had been worrying lately about their plan to live together at college, and Julia couldn’t avoid wondering whether her smoking could somehow become a problem.

Julia certainly had no intentions to quit. She liked smoking a lot and was looking forward to starting a new chapter in her life as an adult smoking woman, free to smoke whenever and wherever she wanted.

Julia realized that if Sarah smoked too, everything would obviously be easier. And after that Saturday night, she didn’t think it would be too difficult to make sure that Sarah embraced smoking. Julia was more than certain that it wouldn’t take much to gently push Sarah to smoke openly with her.

***

Luke was on cloud nine. Literally. He could not believe what had just happened to him.

Not only was he dating the most beautiful girl he had ever met, but she turned out to be a smoking goddess!

Luke had always found smoking girls to be extra attractive. In fact, from the beginning he had hoped that Sarah would smoke, even if only a little, only occasionally. He was actually surprised that she didn’t, given that basically all her friends smoked, including Julia, her best friend.

When he was introduced to the group soon after moving into town, the two girls seemed inseparable. They did virtually everything together, which made the fact that Julia smoked, and Sarah didn’t a bit amazing.

For that reason, although Luke would never confess it, at first, he doubted whether he should continue seeing Sarah, wondering instead if he should turn his attention to Julia. Julia was also a stunning girl and she smoked.

But Sarah was simply too gorgeous to let go like that. For some amazing reason that he would never understand, she was attracted to him, and their initial flirts led to a date, and then a second one, and a third…And soon they were officially a couple.

It happened sometimes that someone from the group would offer a drag or a cigarette to Sarah, mostly to tease her, since they all knew she didn’t smoke. Or so they believed, Luke giggled. Even if he knew she wouldn’t accept, he always dreamt that she would, at least once, take the offered cigarette. Solely imagining the scene made him uncomfortably hard.

But there had always been something that he didn’t really comprehend with Sarah. He couldn’t shake off the impression that her kisses were wetter and more passionate when he had just smoked. It didn’t make any sense, and he certainly didn’t dare to ask, since he was happy that she never complained about his smoking, or his smoky breath. That would have been a problem for him.

Luke dreamt that with time, maybe Sarah would smoke occasionally, or that he could dare to ask her to at least pretend, just like a role game in their intimacy. But he never had the guts to ask, terrified that she would have wanted to know why, and he would end up telling her a secret no one on earth knew about.

But time was running out. Luke was planning on going to a different college in a different city than Sarah and Julia, and he feared their relationship had an end date already written.

However, that was before that Saturday.

That day he saw his stunning girlfriend take that terrifyingly strong unfiltered cigarette and smoke it like a champ, even better than her amazing smoking Mum. Luke couldn’t believe his eyes. The view was the most amazing thing he had ever seen, and he felt immediately so hot and horny that he thought he would explode, right there.

And to make it even more incredible, Sarah had then continued to smoke for the rest of the evening, encouraged by her own Mum. It was so incredible, so wildly unbelievable.

Luke had decided on the spot that he would revisit his future plans. There was no way in the world that he would actively and consciously separate from Sarah, the most beautiful girl ever, who was smart, intelligent, fun, and who he now knew smoked like a goddess.

Luke had spent the evening amazed by how great of a smoker Carla was. Her style was sublime, with those luscious deep cheek-hollowing drags, often followed by perfect snap inhales. And Carla smoked like a fiend that night.

But once Sarah began smoking with them, Luke had to admit that Sarah was even better than her Mum. Her drags were often deeper, she held the smoke longer in her lungs, she never missed an opportunity to start and end her cigarettes with spectacular double drags, sending thick streams of smoke from her nostrils as she dragged eagerly on her cigarette.

How could he ever let her go now?

When they finally had retired to Sarah’s room that night, Luke was so hard and ready that he simply couldn’t hold back. Sarah too was particularly aroused, and they had the best sex they ever had. Twice.

But it hadn’t stopped there, because once they had collapsed exhausted next to each other, she hadn’t protested to his request for a post-coital cigarette. In her room! In her bed! Luke had pushed

his luck, and holding his cigarette next to her beautiful full lips, he had asked if she didn’t want to try a puff, and she had accepted.

Luke became hard again as he watched her seal her lips around the filter and take another long drag of hers, inhaling it so deeply that he felt her breast push against him as they rose to welcome the smoke. But the most amazing part had been that even before exhaling any of the smoke, Sarah had jumped out of the bed to go retrieving an almost empty pack of Marlboro Red 100’s, complaining that if she was going to smoke a cigarette after sex, she wanted it to be more satisfying than his Light’s.

Unbelievable!

Luke had no doubts. With only a little help, he was sure that Sarah was going to start smoking regularly in no time, and he wanted nothing else but to be with her every step of the way.

***

And Sarah?

Sarah had lost control of her emotions for only a brief moment after hours of teasing, mostly from her friend Julia, and that had led to what could have been a catastrophe. She could still not understand how it all could have resolved so smoothly, but amazingly her Mum hadn’t gone ballistic upon discovering her smoking, and the evening had instead continued for quite a while, although on a completely different track.

Sarah had found it to be really awkward the first time she accepted her Mum’s offer of a cigarette. Sitting next to her and smoking openly had been nerve-wracking, but the subsequent ones hadn’t been so difficult.

Actually, what Sarah discovered that night was that it was immensely more fun to smoke in other’s company. All of a sudden, she had comprehended why her Mum could smoke so much when she was with her friends. Sarah realized that smoking cigarettes went perfectly hand in hand in social situations and she remarked that it wasn’t nearly as hard to smoke cigarette after cigarette as when she had been all alone for two days.

Unknowing of her best friend’s, her boyfriend’s and her Mum’s plans, Sarah was still convinced that she wasn’t going to start smoking regularly. Naively, she reasoned that it wouldn’t be so bad to have an occasional cigarette when going out with Luke, Julia or with their friends if someone would ever offer her. The resistance she had felt until that evening was

suddenly gone, and she was actually looking forward to indulging from time to time in a couple of cigarettes.

Right, Julia…

It had felt really good to show her friend off, shutting her up after her irritating nagging about smoking. Thinking back to it, Sarah wasn’t sure why she had been so affected by Julia’s teases. In reality they didn’t sound so annoying anymore, but that night they had made her blood boil. Sarah never factored in the peer pressure of being surrounded and engulfed in constant smoking for hours. What Sarah thought war irritation triggered by Julia, had instead been her first real encounter with smoking withdrawal. Julia had been the catalyst for a chain reaction, but the origin was her own body’s screaming urge to get the nicotine it ached for.

Sarah imagined that Julia would be pleased to know that her own smoking habit wasn’t going to be in danger once they moved in together after the summer break to start college. Sarah was sure that

it would be fun to smoke sometime a cigarette with Julia and she was sure that her best friend would be happy to share.

In fact, Sarah was going to enjoy teaching Julia how to smoke unfiltered cigarettes. A bit sadistically, she looked forward to making sure that her best friend would learn how to take proper drags and inhale fully the strong smoke into her lungs. Julia’s display that Saturday had been ridiculous, and Sarah couldn’t wait to get her symbolic revenge.

And then there was that thing about Luke…

Even without a mirror to watch her own reflection, having everyone’s complete attention as she smoked openly for the first time had been exciting. Sarah had noticed multiple times how Luke stared at her, and she had found it intriguing to smoke as stylishly as she could for him.

Sarah knew that for some reason she used to be turned on by feeling her lungs engulfed by thick noxious smoke, inhale after inhale. She had somewhat accepted it and didn’t even try to understand the reason why, but she was surprised to note that putting up a show for Luke was even more exciting.

She felt so “bad” throwing devilish glimpses from the corner of her eyes as her cheeks collapsed while dragging hard to pull huge amounts of smoke from her own cigarette. It was like her own devilish game, to tease her boyfriend right there in front of everyone without them noticing. Sarah wasn’t sure, but she had the impression that her little play was having an effect on Luke. But she knew without a doubt that it was having an effect on her.

When they finally locked themselves in her room for the night, however, she had confirmation that her teasing game had worked, because Luke was literally on fire. As soon as the door closed, he grabbed her and started to kiss her with a passion she hadn’t seen before. His hands were everywhere, and Sarah quickly got even more excited than she already was.

Sarah and Luke made love twice, literally fucking each other’s brain out like never before. When they finally rolled over, they laid for a few minutes side by side, naked and sweaty, trying to catch their breath.

“Would you be mad at me if I had a cigarette?” Luke asked shily. “Smoking after sex is simply great and right now, I’m dying for a smoke!”

Sarah smiled approvingly and watched Luke light up while resting her head next to his shoulder. Only a few drags later, Luke tested his luck by moving the cigarette next to his lover’s lips, staring right into her eyes. He saw a sparkle before Sarah smiled knowingly and then sealed her lips around the Marlboro’s filter, eagerly collapsing her cheeks while the tip burned bright for no less than three seconds.

When she inhaled, she immediately understood why Luke wanted a cigarette so badly. The sensation was sublime, but she felt that the smoke of his light cigarette was simply too weak. Sarah didn’t even stop for a second questioning her urge and went quickly to her stash to get a much more satisfying Marlboro Red 100.

As the stronger full-flavored smoke washed her lungs, she felt satisfaction spread quickly from her chest to her whole body, and Sarah indulged herself with a powerful double drag to maximize the sensation.

As she finally exhaled, she saw that she had Luke’s full attention again. It was fascinating to her that she seemed to have such control over him by

simply lighting up a cigarette. She liked that. She also liked that by the time she had finished the cigarette, Luke was clearly more than ready for a third round.

Sarah didn’t understand Luke’s reactions, but she didn’t care. She simply liked the fact that she could be in full control simply by lighting up a cigarette and she had no intention of abstaining from using that power in the future. Sometimes smoking a few cigarettes with Luke wouldn’t hurt, right?

In fact, Sarah thought that maybe she wouldn’t need to refuse all the time to smoke a cigarette when they were out with friends. If someone offered her a cigarette, sometimes it would be nice to accept. After all, it was really fun to smoke in others company. Just as she could have a few with Julia too, especially since she wanted to teach her to smoke filterless cigarettes. And who knows? Maybe her Mum too would offer her a cigarette again…

Yes! Sarah was feeling good about the future. THE END