Gatekeepers, Part 1 – Smoking Fetish Story

‘You lied to me,’ Kim said to Starr, looking at her with the worst of
her sour looks. An open pack of Marlboro Lights 100s sat between them. A
lighter rested on top of the pack and all Starr could think about was how bad
she wanted one of those cigarettes right now.
It was exactly what Kim was thinking as well.
The two stared silently at one another after this obvious pronouncement.
‘If I had told you the truth, you would have reacted the same way. All
you’ve ever talked about is how hard it was for you to quit, how much you
wished you still smoked, and how disappointed you would be to find out that
after you quit because of me that I decided to smoke anyway. It’s like
you’ve forgotten why you ever started smoking.’
Kim picked up the pack of cigarettes. No, she corrected herself, she was
picking up Starr’s pack of cigarettes.
There were only two or three missing from the pack. She could tell by how
tight the pack felt in her hand.
‘Don’t tell me I don’t know what smoking is all about. I smoked a pack of
cigarettes a day for eight years. I was just unlucky in not having parents
who cared enough to make me stop. Grandma was happy when she found out.’
‘And let’s not forget she’s never forgiven you for quitting,’ Starr
added spitefully. ‘And for being such a fascist about it with her around me.’
‘I did what I thought I had to do and you’ve invalidated fifteen years
of me trying to be a good mother.’
‘Like you’ve never had a cigarette in the last fifteen years- or like
I’m not smart enough to make an informed decision about smoking based on my
own wants and desires.’
Kim said nothing.
‘Come on, Mom. Be honest. Last Thursday night when you went to the office
happy hour, you came home smelling like an ashtray. Tell me you didn’t have a
few cigarettes with Laurie and Gina and Melissa.’
‘It wasn’t in front of you. Tell me why you started then, and be honest.’
‘I’ll tell you if you tell me.’
‘All right,’ Kim said.
‘And can I please have a cigarette, Mom ?’
‘What ?’ Kim said incredulously.
‘You know you can’t stop me from smoking, don’t you ? ‘
Kim smiled through her anger. ‘There’s a difference between me knowing
you sneak around and letting you smoke in our house, right in front of me.’
Starr got up, took the ashtray mom kept for company down from the
cupboard, and put it down on the table.
‘I’m not trying to just be defiant. I really think that it will help you
to understand that I actually enjoy smoking.’
‘Help you, maybe. But yes, I’d just as soon know what you’re really
doing, because I’m willing to bet I know exactly how and why you started
smoking.’
Starr took the cigarettes and lighter and lit one, able to be patient
because this was already going much better than she had expected. Once she
had the cigarette lit and had taken that first sweet inhale she pushed the
pack and the lighter back to her mother. ‘Now it’s your turn. Go ahead. I
won’t take it to me that you approve of me smoking or that you’re planning
to come out of the closet.’
Kim looked at the cigarettes sitting by her right hand. She hadn’t had a
cigarette in three days and she wondered what was holding her back here. It
was that Starr was wrong. Even if her perception of Kim didn’t change, the
truth was that Kim had never smoked in front of her daughter and this would
be an huge step- and likely one in the wrong direction.
Failure was what Kim was afraid of.
She picked up the pack and lit a cigarette anyway, and there was a real
sense of liberation. She hadn’t smoked inside the house in over three weeks,
the last time she had bought a pack of cigarettes. Starr had been studying at
Donna Morris’s all night and knowing that she wasn’t going to be home, she
indulged herself with five cigarettes, then cleaned up the house so that
Starr wouldn’t know.
Exhaling, she found herself enjoying this immensely, which was also
frustrating at the same time.
‘It started the very first day I went over to Donna’s. And you’ll be
happy to know that it was peer pressure that got me to start. It had nothing
to do with you or Grandma or anyone else. You know Donna smokes- her parents
let her smoke at home. We’d been studying for about forty minutes when her
Mom came home. Donna was sitting there smoking and she walked into the living
room and the first thing she said to me was “You’re welcome to smoke,
Starr.” I told her thank you but I didn’t smoke and she got this big huge
smile on her face.’
Kim exhaled, trimmed her ash, drew on the cigarette again. ‘It’s funny.
I’ve asked Tammy why she lets Donna smoke and she just says ‘˜She’s a smoker.
Why wouldn’t I let her smoke ? I’m the one who taught her how, after all.”
Blowing smoke, Starr smiled. ‘Well, she’s the one who gave me my first
cigarette too. She said “Well, you should at least try it if you’re going to
be studying with my daughter on a regular basis.” Before I could say that I
didn’t think I wanted to, she was handing me a lit cigarette. And I could
tell right away that I was going to like it. I wanted to like it because I
could tell that- well, this might sound stupid, but I knew that Donna and
Mrs. Morris would like me better if I smoked. But I did like it. I started
smoking at Donna’s house, which is part of the reason why I’ve been studying
at her house three of four times a week-‘
‘And why you never come here to study-‘
‘It is convenient that her house is like two minutes from the school,
although I wondered if you’d really buy that explanation.’
‘Well, I was wondering, although it would be silly for you guys to come
here and then have Donna walk twenty minutes to get home. So let me guess.
You started smoking with Donna at lunch, and between classes, and then you
bought your own cigarettes.’
‘And Donna and Tammy showed me how to hide the smell, and when the good
times to sneak a cigarette are and all the rest of it, and they’re like my
two best friends. That’s really cool, having an adult as a close friend. I’d
like to feel that way about you-‘
‘But to do that, I’m going to have to let you smoke.’
They finished their cigarettes.
‘No,’ Starr replied, ‘but it would help.’
‘Why is smoking so important to you, honey ?’
Starr looked longingly at the pack of cigarettes. Kim understood the
look. She took the pack herself, extracted a cigarette, and lit it casually.
She then passed the pack to her daughter, who lit the cigarette with the
casual ease of a committed smoker, and Kim already knew how this was going to
work. Instead of waiting for an answer, she walked over to the portable
phone, picked it up, and speed dialed #3.
‘Laurie ? Sorry to call you at home, but I need you to do me a favour
tomorrow. When you get in, call housekeeping and have them send up an ashtray
for my office.’
There was a pause.
‘Yes, I’m officially out of the closet. You promised me when the time
came, you wouldn’t give me an hard time.’
She hung up the phone, and Starr smiled.
‘You knew this time would come, didn’t you ?’
‘Of course I did. Especially when you started hanging out with Donna. I
knew that between her and Tammy, you’d start smoking, and it was just a
matter of time.’
‘So, how did you start ?’
Kim smiled.
‘Well, Tammy has had quite an effect on our family, let me tell you.’
‘You mean ?’
‘You know that Tammy and I grew up here in Thorton, and well, Tammy
started smoking when she was twelve. By the time she was fourteen, her
parents were resigned to the fact that she was going to smoke no matter what
they did. They told her they couldn’t stop her from smoking, so she might as
well as her father put it, ‘˜Do whatever you fucking want to.’ Exact quote.’
‘I didn’t know you were friends with her, though.’
‘Well, you’ve might have known if I ever let you see my yearbooks.’
‘Which you didn’t. And I’m starting to see why.’
‘Well, we had a “smokers club” in high school. This was the late
seventies, remember, and the attitudes about smoking were a lot different
back then. I didn’t want you seeing that.’
‘Why ?’
‘Because senior year, I was president of the smoker’s club.’
‘You’re still not telling me how it was that you started, or how Tammy
is involved.’
‘Well, I imagine that you can probably guess. Tammy was one of my best
friends back in high school. She and I spent a lot of time together, and by
the time I was fourteen, it already seemed like Tammy had always been a
smoker. She started to get on me about smoking- about why I didn’t smoke. Mom
and dad smoked, most of my friends smoked. But I didn’t. She just plain
thought that was weird. So she didn’t let up about it. Every day it was ‘˜So
are you going to try smoking today ?’ And I was getting closer and closer to
saying yes,’ Kim paused, inhaled and smiled at the pure pleasure of smoking
in her own house. ‘Tammy knew that. I didn’t just roll over the first time
like you did, but-‘
Starr blew smoke across the table, was relieved when her mother made no
move to bat it away.
‘Like Donna wasn’t on me about it. I wouldn’t have said yes unless Tammy
actually handed me a lit cigarette, Mom.’
‘Well, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt there. Do you want to hear
my story or not ?’
‘Of course I do.’
Kim trimmed her ash, took another long inhale, and went on. ‘Well, it was
Hallow’een. You know that Hallow’een has always been a big day at Thorton
High- the big dance and all that. Well, we got all dressed up for Hallow’een,
so I had my costume and rather than go all the way home, I just went back to
Tammy’s house to hang out, talk about boys, and get all fucking nervous for
the dance. We had about five hours to kill and well, you can imagine that
Tammy saw that time as a great chance to get me started.’
‘Anyway, about seven o’clock she had an idea. She can be such a devil
sometimes. She handed me her cigarettes and lighter and said “If you don’t
smoke a cigarette right now, I’m not going to the dance tonight.” I was
crushed. She was supposed to set me up with Donnie Alcor-‘
‘The guy who owns the liquor store ?’
‘Yeah. She’d dated Donnie fore a few weeks over the summer, if you can
call what fourteen year olds did back then dating- holding hands, a little
kissing, you know, no condoms required.’
‘Mom !’
‘Well, I know things haven’t changed that much, but it’s nice to
pretend. I’m standing there, holding my destiny in my hands. That may sound
ridiculous, but I knew that starting to smoke was going to be a major
decision. And if I didn’t, I was never going to get anywhere with Donnie. He
was a junior, so the only way he was going to know I existed was if Tammy
helped me out.’
‘Mom, I can’t believe that as gorgeous as you are, anyone could have
been unaware that you existed. Come on.’

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