Kim smiled and crushed out her cigarette. ‘Well, thanks, but this was a
few months before my breasts really came in, and you know how you felt when
your breasts finally came in- well, I don’t mean finally, but-‘
‘You were a little late blooming and it made you self-conscious. I know
exactly what you mean.’ Starr finished her cigarette. But she waited to light
another because she wanted to see how long it would take her mom to go first.
‘So there I am, cigarettes and Donnie or none of either. It wasn’t much
of a choice. Tammy had me right where she wanted me and she knew it. But I
didn’t light up immediately. Instead we started talking about Donnie and
Tammy knew that was better than badgering me. Finally after about five
minutes of that I said “What the hell !” and lit up.’
‘Did you like it as much as I did the first time ?’
‘Probably,’ Kim said with a smile. ‘I expected it to be bitter, to start
choking just taking a little smoke into my mouth. But the taste was kind of
sweet and not what I expected. On the forth puff I inhaled, and that was the
door to Tammy’s room swung open and there was your grandmother. She thought
it would be nice to get some pictures of the two of us before we went off to
the dance.’
‘What were you dressed up as ?’
‘Cinderella. And there I was,’ she paused to take a cigarette from the
pack and lit it, after which she passed them to her daughter, still in
disbelief that she was doing this, ‘with one of these little magic wands in
my hand.’
‘What did Grandma do ?’
‘She snapped a picture of me and then motioned for Tammy and I to stand
together. She took a whole roll of the two us standing there smoking and
laughing, but inside I was cringing. I thought she would have a fit, but she
never said a word about it. She acted like I’d always been smoking and it was
literally not worth even mentioning.’
‘She didn’t say anything ?’
‘Not a word. That night I came home and there was an ashtray on my desk
and that was as close as she came to discussing it. It was really weird.’
Starr lit her cigarette.
‘So what happened ?’
‘I told you. I had that first cigarette, and we took a detour on the way
to the school and Tammy bought me my first pack and I’ve been smoking ever
since.’
‘More or less,’ Starr said somewhat acidly. ‘But I mean what happened
with Donnie ?’
‘We went out from about a week later until he graduated. We agreed to see
other people that June and just kind of lost touch.’
‘You lost touch with Tammy, too,’ Starr said. ‘She never talks about
you, either, except to ask how you’re doing. It’s like there’s this whole
part of your life you’ve forgotten.’
‘Well, I went to Vassar and she went to Smith and we just kind of lost
touch. I came home married, and then I got pregnant and stopped smoking, and
after your father and I got divorced, I kind of-‘
‘Went into a little bit of a shell-‘
Starr immediately regretted saying that, but it was true. Mom hung out
with the work crowd every so often, but things weren’t the same the last
seven years.
‘Maybe. Maybe not. But I have a few things to discuss with Tammy now.’
‘Please don’t give her an hard time. She gave me the cigarette, but I
liked it. I liked it a lot.’
Kim got up and hugged her daughter.
‘Don’t worry. I think I owe her something, that’s all.’
Laurie walked into her boss’s office with a broad, spreading grin on her
face. She sat down on the corner of the desk, her tight black leather skirt
riding dangerously up her thigh in a way that would have made a man quiver.
She brought a fresh VS 120 to her hungry full lips and drew on it.
‘So what brought you out of the closest, boss ?’
Kim looked at the ashtray on the corner of her desk and the unopened pack
of cigarettes and lighter next to it. Even though she had yet to smoke in the
office- and she’d been in for over an hour- she was out of the closet. Laurie
would have already told all the other smokers, some of whom worked in the
non-smoking area of the offices, that they had a new compatriot.
Just to make sure Kim stayed the course. For her own good.
‘Starr, actually. I found out she was smoking- she left her purse on her
desk and the cigarettes were practically falling out. I stuck my head in her
room and she was in the bathroom and I could see them from the doorway. I
thought I was going to go ballistic. But-‘
‘But you’re a smoker, not a hypocrite. I like that about you.’
‘So does Starr. We started talking about how each of us started smoking
and I realised two things. She was smoking because she wants to smoke, and
all I was going to do was deprive myself if I didn’t smoke. That’s not very
smart. I won’t lie. I don’t really want her to smoke-‘
‘Yes you do-‘
‘Well, part of me, the mothering part, is against it. The rest of me has
to admit that I enjoyed sitting there last night smoking with my daughter. It
sure was a novelty.’
‘It won’t wear off. I used to smoke with my mom all the time and it was
just another bond, you know ?’
‘Who’s coming in today ?’
‘You just have one appointment- a ten o’clock with Jonathan
Warfield-Smythe. Monthly portfolio review.’
Kim nodded and returned to plowing through her emails, which was Laurie’s
cue to head back to her own desk. But she did it with a smile on her face.
Jonathan showed up about five minutes early, which was how he usually did
things. Always early, always well-dressed, always polite, but in a
self-confident sort of way. Kim watched him talking to Laurie, who had found
a way to expose her long, supple legs to the very eligible and well-to-do
bachelour. Kim harboured a tiny bit of jealousy towards her assistant, who
she felt was the main reason for JW always showing up early.
Kim looked at the pack of cigarettes on the desk, took one out, and lit
it. She then called out. ‘I’m ready for you, JW.’
‘Let me just finish my cigar first,’ he said cheerfully enough.
Coming out from behind her desk, Kim walked over to the door. She leaned
on the frame with the hand holding the cigarette.
‘You can do that in here, JW.’
He looked at her, saw the cigarette in her right hand and did a very
pleasing double take. She filed that away for later study and then motioned
him into the office. He obediently followed her, sat down in the client
chair, as they called it, and let loose an ample cloud of cigar smoke, which
Kim found not the least bit bothersome.
‘So, what brought you out of the closest ?’
‘We really have a lot to go over today, JW. Lot of growth in some of your
investments and you need to make some decisions about how you want to
approach taxation-‘
‘I’m the only one on your docket today, mon chere’, so let’s just be
sociable for a few minutes, okay ?’
Kim had always found JW to be amiable, without getting personal. In fact,
wasn’t that the only annoying trait she knew he had ?
So why was she annoyed now ?
She understood what it was, and this was the real hurdle. Taking a
cigarette and smoking it at home- in front of her daughter, that had seemed
like the hurdle. Then it was lighting up in front of Laurie- in a public
setting.
But it wasn’t any of that. It was this. Not the act of smoking, but
rather the act of admitting to virtual strangers that she was a smoker. That
was the real hurdle that had to be cleared, the one that would actually make
her a smoker. Talking about it. Freely admitting what was inside rather than
just what she was holding in her hand right now on the outside. Admitting
that she had lost one thing she’d been determined about- and gained another.
‘I caught my daughter with a pack of cigarettes after sneaking around
smoking myself her whole life just so she wouldn’t be influenced by my
actions to smoke.’
‘And she decided to smoke on her own anyway. So you knew you could give
up your little charade.’
‘Did you know that I smoked ?’
‘Laurie told me.’
The look of disappointment must have been pretty clear on Kim’s face
because JW quickly added ‘Only because I asked her.’
‘Why would you do that ?’ Kim asked, following the question with a very
nervous inhale that JW still apparently enjoyed.
‘I was curious, I guess. You- well, this is going to sound odd, but I can
usually tell if a woman is a smoker just by looking at her. I had you pegged
for a smoker but you didn’t seem to be. Finally one day I just asked her and
she- well, she didn’t say no. She didn’t say yes, either, but I knew what
the answer was. It’s a shame, really, you going all those years being a
closest smoker for no reason.’
‘Some day you’ll have a child, and then you’ll understand.’
‘Maybe you’re right. I didn’t mean to be critical. I just- well, lets’s
go over those growth figures-‘
And that was exactly what they did. JW usually listened to Kim’s analysis
and advice and then told her to do what she felt was best, but today he
questioned every small point and the meeting dragged out into the lunch hour.
Kim was beginning to think he was just stalling and that he might-
She was thinking he might ask her to lunch when he stood up and said,
somewhat abruptly, ‘I have another meeting to be at in fifteen minutes. Do
what you think is best with those tax adjustments. You’ve never steered me
wrong yet.’
He took two steps towards the door, leaving Kim a little crestfallen. To
be honest, she wasn’t quite sure what was going on inside her head. Maybe the
smoking she’d been doing and the relief she was feeling in finally having a
chance to be herself again were getting to her, because she was absurdly
thinking that she was forming a connection with JW.
He turned and looked at her and she saw the strangest thing on his face.
Embarrassment.
‘Look. There’s a bunch of reasons why I’m still a bachelour and this is
one of them. I’m so damn clumsy- uh, jesus, want to have dinner at El
Torander tonight ?’
‘Me ?’ Kim said.
‘No, I’m just warming up to ask Laurie out.’
Before Kim’s odd smile could turn into a frown, he added ‘I’m just
joking.’
She laughed, because the reaction it had gotten from her was mildly
funny, but again, a thought central to all this nagged at her.
‘This isn’t just because I smoke, is it ?’
‘No. The only reason I haven’t asked you out is because I do smoke, and
it’s a pain in the ass dating someone who either doesn’t smoke, or does but
won’t smoke in public. I had you in that second group until today. It’s not
like I don’t date, and I’ve gotten tired of all the bullshit that goes with
dating women who have smoking issues I don’t want to deal with.’
‘Then the answer is yes,’ Kim said, beaming. ‘And you have good taste. I
love El Torander.’
‘It’s a great place to have a bite to eat,’ JW said.
If only Kim had understood the ironic secret message in those words,
things might have turned out different.
He left and she picked up the phone and called Tammy.
That was when it all got weird.