An unexpected cashflow allowed Lenore and her daughter, Jill, moved into their small but upscale house in the best neighborhood they’d ever lived in. Carla lived next door and was the first to welcome the new family. She was a walking stereotype of the affluent suburb: friendly and outgoing with blond hair as big as her fake boobs, lots of jewelry and bright makeup; even if she was a stay-at-home mom with nowhere to go but the tennis club. Carla was an answered prayer, going out of her way to make Lenore feel welcome. She whipped out her phone and summoned her own daughter as soon as she was introduced to Jill. Andi came over as requested and was Carla’s mini-me down to the blond hair and athletic figure.
Jill would start her first year of high school; too young to be friends with 17 year old Andi, who would be a senior. But Andi was as warm and friendly as her mother and happily agreed to drive Jill to school and look out for her in the small, exclusive private school. Andi was in the popular crowd, and their association would give introverted Jill a needed social boost she wouldn’t get on her own as she was still in that awkward growth phase, lanky and all arms and legs as her grandmother often said.
***
Jill took her place in the back seat as Andi stopped to pick up her best friend Clarice on their first day of school. They looked like they could be sisters and Jill was shocked when Clarice lit a cigarette, passing it to Andi. Nobody in Jill’s family smoked and she’d never been in the presence of anyone who did. She was too scared to say anything, mortified as the two girls furiously power-smoked their cigarettes in an effort to finish them on the short drive. The volume of smoke constantly flowed out of the seniors’ lungs, filling the inside of Andi’s sporty Mercedes coupe in spite of the slight opening in the windows; woefully inadequate for the pace of their continuous exhales.
Andi walked Jill to the office to hand her off to the guidance counselor. Jill was impressed at how the faculty greeted Andi, who carried herself with a graceful presence as if she were a teacher herself. Surely they noticed the stench that clung to their clothes and still filled her sinuses. Jill tried to keep her distance out of fear. Thankfully, the counselor didn’t say anything as Jill followed her at a distance
to her first class.
The drive home was a repeat of the morning drive; the girls lighting up before they even left the parking lot. Jill was able to scurry upstairs and shed her uniform before her mom could hug her, fluffing out her long stringy brown hair to air it out as best she could. Maybe it was her imagination but she felt a suspicious look from her mother. She had nothing to fear but worried about getting Andi in trouble.
Over the next few days, Jill became accustomed to the thick haze in Andi’s car; she stopped holding her breath in vain efforts to fight the foul odor. Once she relaxed she realized it didn’t smell so bad after all; sweet really, and Jill found herself looking forward to the lightups when the aroma was at its sweetest. She admired how elegant the long, thin tube looked between Andi’s fingertips as her hand rested on the steering wheel. The conservative school forbade any kind of makeup but she already knew Andi was above the rules. Her nails were polished a dark red with the exception of a pastel lavender accent on her ring finger; they were pretty. Andi also left a matching red lip print on the filter, shimmering in the morning sunlight. Andi handed it to Clarice during their ritualistic stop in the Starbucks drive through. Invariably, Clarice would take a puff from Andi’s in spite of having her own in her other hand. ‘Smoke your own, bitch!’ Andi teased as Clarice forcefully exhaled in Andi’s face in defiant reply.
Over time, the seniors began including Jill in their conversations, making her feel comfortable enough to ask the million dollar question – can’t her mother tell she’s been smoking in her car? Why don’t they try to hide it?
Andi replied her mother knows she smokes. “The school called her a million times complaining I reek of cigarette smoke but they finally gave up. My family is one of the school’s biggest benefactors. They stopped caring as long as I don’t smoke on campus.”
“Andi gets away with everything!” Clarice added.
Jill was impressed and felt a huge sense of relief. She knew her own mother had taken notice but hadn’t yet said anything. Whenever she does, Jill would tell the truth; she’s trapped in a smoky hotbox twice a day. Her teachers know she rides to school with Andi so they probably won’t say anything.
Two weeks later, Andi motioned for Jill to get in the front seat. It was just the two of them this week as Clarice had gone on vacation with her family. Andi took their
usual coffee detour, motioning for Jill to hold her cigarette. “DON’T smoke it!” She smiled. Jill felt good being on the receiving end of the tease normally directed at the other senior. Andi was preoccupied with her purse, struggling to find the card she needed to buy her coffee. Jill took advantage of the distraction to roll the cigarette around between her fingers and position it as she’s seen Andi do every day over the past several weeks, admiring the filter, dampened with saliva and fresh glittery lipstick. For the first time, Jill noticed the dark brown dot on the end of the filter. For all the glamour and appeal, that dark spot illustrated the ugly truth that had been beaten into her impressionable head since elementary school. For all Andi’s physical beauty, that brown spot was evidence of the sludge slowly growing in her lungs; a slow process that would eventually catch up with her in the worst of ways.
“Looks good on you,” Andi smiled, snapping Jill out of her anxious trance. “You can have it if you want; just don’t tell your mom – and light one for me.”
Jill shook her head, “I don’t think so,” though she was still admiring its look as she handed it back to Andi.
Jill thought about it the rest of the day, surprised at how long the smell stayed on her fingers after holding it for only a minute or two. She found herself discreetly bringing her fingertips to her nose until it finally faded. The image of the tar stained filter stuck with her and added a sinister appeal. Something inside her wished she’d at least taken a puff. But no, her mom would be so disappointed.
The weeks went on and one Friday the girls were discouraged to see an unusually long line at their Starbucks. Clarice urged her to go to the gas station instead; she normally wouldn’t be caught dead with a gas station branded coffee cup but she was desperate. “Fiiine,” Andi groaned “but you go in and get it. And get me some cigarettes for the weekend!” she shouted as Clarice walked to the door. Clarice returned and handed Andi her long pack of Virginia Slims. Andi looked in vain for a place to put them; the console was full and crap spilled out of the glove box when she tried to open it. In her frustration, Andi handed the pack to Jill and told her to put them in her backpack, she’d get them after school. Andi didn’t carry a backpack, more perks of the school princess.
Jill felt naughty carrying Andi’s contraband; she was fearful of getting caught but a part of her felt a rush just having them. Jill offered up the new pack as soon as they got into the car to go home but Andi just said she’d come over and get them later.
The weekend had arrived; and Jill was worried when her mother asked her to sit down before she went upstairs, wondering if she had x-ray vision.
“Honey, I want to ask you something.” Lenore began. Jill knew what was coming and was prepared; honestly relieved that her mother was finally bringing it up. “Have you been smoking? I’ve smelled it on you ever since school started.”
Jill beamed with confidence and told the truth. “No mom, it’s Andi; it just sticks to my clothes. I promise I’m not smoking, it’s just from being in the car.”
Lenore still looked disappointed and continued with her rehearsed speech, reminding Jill they’d always been honest with each other and reiterating the familiar, tired talking points on health consequences. Jill heard her out and pleaded with her mother that it was Andi who had been smoking and not her. She even loaded her silver bullet – Andi’s allowed to smoke; and finished her thought by inviting her to ask Carla.
Lenore rolled her eyes; that just sounded like another lie, and a bad one at that. Jill was feeling hurt that her mother didn’t believe her. She affirmed they’d always been honest with each other and repeated she’d never even taken a single puff; relieved now she hadn’t succumbed to temptation when she and Andi were alone a few weeks ago. Lenore still looked unconvinced and Jill’s hurt was morphing into offense. She only hoped her mother wouldn’t search her bag for proof; that would be hard to explain. Lenore ran out of message points and Jill went upstairs, repeating again for the 10th time she wasn’t smoking and her mother would just have to believe her. She hoped her mother wouldn’t forbid her from riding to school with Andi as Jill’s social status at school was growing as a result of their friendship.
Jill shed her smoky uniform and stretched out on her bed. That conversation she had looked forward to was a dismal failure. They always had a great relationship and it hurt that anything would get in the way, especially when she hadn’t done anything wrong. “How could she not believe me?” Jill lamented.
“How could she lie to me?” Lenore lamented as she sat quietly in the empty living room. Smoking cigarettes was bad enough, but Jill’s lies were what really bothered her. She’d become friends with Carla; maybe she’d cry on her shoulder.
“Oh I’m so sorry,” Carla welcomed Lenore with a friendly embrace. “I do allow Andi to smoke but I can ask her not to whenever Jill’s in the car.” Carla seemed confident Andi was telling her the truth that Jill hadn’t been smoking with them.
Now Lenore had jealousy to contend with. Carla and Andi had a wonderful relationship to the point Carla blindly believed anything Andi said. Lenore so wished she had that with Jill. She was conflicted; smoking aside, Andi had been a great influence and role model for Jill, and Lenore did not want to disrupt that friendship. Lenore rightly credits Andi for helping Jill adjust so well; she had to let them continue riding to school together. Eventually, Jill would make friends her own age and maybe she’d quit that ugly habit on her own before it was too late.
***
Jill’s bedroom door quietly opened Saturday morning and she awoke to her mother’s soft voice saying she was going shopping. Lenore could have just left a note but she wanted to go into Jill’s room and inhale deeply to detect any unwelcome odors; of course finding none. Lenore’s irrational anxiety had overtaken reason and instead of relief, she only felt more disappointment; Jill was already getting good at hiding it.
The previous night’s argument weighed heavily on Jill’s mind. She examined the unopened pack in her hands as she lie in bed in the now empty house. She might as well light one. Her mother was so convinced she was smoking, why not? She had nothing to lose. Jill pulled the cellophane strip off the pack and inhaled deeply under the foil top. They smelled so fresh. She pulled one and held it between her fingers, mimicking Andi’s motions. She didn’t have any makeup of her own so she went into her mother’s bathroom and applied a coating of lipstick and resumed her hand to mouth motions with the unlit cigarette in front of the mirror. She put on too much, leaving a heavy red smear on the filter; quite unlike the sexy looking print Andi leaves.
She looked everywhere for a lighter or even a single match, but her resolve waned in her search. Jill couldn’t disappoint her mother in spite of her furious accusations. She started to text Andi to hand over the pack but her mother would be home soon so she slipped them into her underwear drawer for safekeeping until she could get rid of them.
Sunday was laundry day and Jill continued avoiding her mother until Lenore angrily summoned her upstairs. Lenore held up the pack and raged at her daughter. Jill’s excuse of holding an unopened pack for Andi was harder to explain now that they were opened at one was missing. She felt like a POW under interrogation, willing to confess to anything just to make it stop. “FINE!” Jill barked back at her mother. “I’m smoking. So what! I’m hopelessly addicted,” she added
with exaggerated dramatic flair. “Just stop yelling at me!”
Lenore’s shoulders relaxed. Rather than disappointment, she seemed relieved at exacting the confession she sought, having no idea of course that she had nothing to worry about; until now.
Lenore may have relaxed in her false victory but Jill was still fuming. Not only had her mother reached a new level of smug, she’d confiscated a perfectly good pack of cigarettes and Jill would owe Andi a new one.
***
“I heard!” Andi exclaimed as Jill got into the car Monday morning. “Don’t worry about paying me back, I should have taken them back when you handed them to me and I’m sorry you had to go through that.” They pulled into the Starbucks line and Andi held out her cigarette as she always does but this time Jill leaned forward from the back seat and intercepted it before Clarice could take it. Jill held it to her lips and inhaled deeply; too deep, expelling the smoke in a violent coughing fit.
Ever generous and kind, Andi admonished her to go easy, “just take in a shallow puff and hold it in your mouth for now until you get used to it. “Light me another,” she told Clarice, who obliged, holding one in each hand until they resumed their drive.
Jill looked at Andi’s reflection in the rear view mirror; her piercing, mascara-framed blue eyes stared back at her. “That’s better,” she said, praising Jill’s light draws. “Let a little into your lungs, don’t take in too much until you get used to it or you’ll cough and get dizzy.”
’…until you get used to it…’ Andi said it twice now and those words rang in Jill’s head as she admired her very own cigarette. She didn’t intend to take it away from Andi; she only wanted a single puff as a middle finger to her mother, who wasn’t even there to see it. She took Andi’s coaching and lightly pulled from the filter, the smoke clinging to the front of her face and getting into her eyes. She wasn’t trying to inhale but the dizziness confirmed at least some of the smoke was flowing down her throat. Thin wisps of smoke escaped her nose and faint streams drifted from her mouth as she flicked the ash out the window. A subtle nausea now accompanied her dizziness. Jill resolved to take at least one real puff and pulled it to her lips, drawing into her mouth, releasing the filter and expanding her chest ever so slightly, then relaxing as a thin stream naturally flowed back out, much
thinner than the older girls. Jill’s chest tightened and she successfully stifled another cough. She couldn’t resist looking at the brown filter end, gaining some perverse satisfaction at knowing the poison she was pulling into her pristine, innocent body.
The three girls pushed their spent butts through the slightly open windows as they entered the school parking lot. “Congrats, chick! You just smoked your first cigarette. Come over after school; if you want to, I don’t want to get you in trouble.”
***
Jill was still giving her mother the cold shoulder. She didn’t even bother changing out of her school uniform before she announced she was going to Andi’s for help with her homework. She didn’t ask permission, she just left before her mother could protest. Lenore realized she’d not only lost control of the situation, she was on the verge of losing Jill altogether. She reflected on the intense battle of wills and for the first time thought maybe she had overreacted; little did she know it was too late for that sentiment. If she had believed her daughter in that first conversation, they’d still be trusting best friends. Maybe instead of driving so hard for the confession, she should have taken the high road. Her adolescent daughter could come to her own conclusions and make good decisions instead of Lenore trying to control what she has no way of controlling.
Lenore pulled the confiscated pack from the junk drawer and wondered what the allure was. She had never even held one before and imagined Carla and Andi sitting on their back porch bonding over a shared cigarette, again feeling that envious surge again.
Carla welcomed Jill into the house with her customary warm embrace and ushered her into Andi’s basement bedroom where Andi was supposedly doing homework. Andi, of course wasn’t doing homework at all but reclining in an easy chair with her phone in one hand and her everpresent cigarette in the other. Jill’s jaw dropped as she admired Andi’s ‘bedroom.’ The finished basement was more like a studio apartment. Andi had a bedroom, sitting room, her own bathroom, refrigerator and microwave. Andi’s long toned legs and delicate bare feet were crossed on the footrest displaying cute lavender polish that matched her accent ring finger.
Andi retreated to the bedroom portion of her basement beckoning Jill to follow her. She sat on the floor cross-legged, motioning Jill to sit across from her, facing each other separated by an ashtray and a new pack of Capri menthols she bought for
Jill; an easier starter cigarette than full flavored Virginia Slims. Jill was flattered at the thoughtful gift and eagerly accepted Andi’s instruction, watching her draw from her own Virginia Slim.
Andi drew slowly, allowing Jill to follow her motions. Jill found the Capri refreshingly milder than the VS she tried earlier that morning but it still made her dizzy. Andi was right, the dizziness didn’t last long and by the time she finished the first one, she was impressed with herself at how freely the smoke flowed out of her mouth as she relaxed her chest.
“That’s it,” Andi calmly instructed, “don’t try to exhale, just relax and let it come out on its own.” Andi’s kind smile was as calming as the cigarette; the smoke seemed to carry the anger she harbored at her mother out of her body in each exhale.
Andi complimented her quick study and began to show off. “Pretty soon you’ll be doing these,” she said as she demonstrated perfect French inhales, snaps and rings. She looked into Jill’s admiring eyes. She had become fond of her, always wishing she had a little sister. She thought Jill a cute girl, but looked so young with no makeup. It was time for her to blossom.
They moved to Andi’s makeup table where Andi did her best to fix up Jill’s hair and begin a makeover. Carla’s voice from the top of the stairs interrupted their bonding moment, announcing she was going to see Lenore. The mere mention of her mother’s name made Jill’s face fall. Andi reassured her surrogate sister that Carla would calm Lenore down. Jill was amused at Andi referring to her mother by her first name and like her own mother, coveted their close relationship.
Carla found a bewildered and defeated Lenore sulking on the couch; the TV wasn’t even on. “I figured you could use some wine,” she tried to cheer up her friend, even having the forethought to bring a pair of glasses. “Come on, let’s get some sunshine,” Carla led the way to the back porch. The cool breeze and fresh air already lifted Lenore’s mood; a nice glass of chardonnay didn’t hurt. The friendly conversation was a welcome relief; Carla was becoming a good friend and Lenore resolved to reach out to her more often. Carla expertly guided the conversation through small talk, backgrounds and life stories to get Lenore’s mind off her subject crisis, manufactured as it was.
Lenore’s mind fixated on the present though, and she returned from inside with the confiscated pack of cigarettes, setting them on the table. “I told Jill I threw them out; there’s only a few missing, I think. You can have them; I know they’re
expensive.
Carla wasn’t going to broach the subject but it was now out there in the open, literally, and did her best to help her friend with perspective. She took the focus off the specific smoking habit and back on the precious and fragile mother-teen daughter relationship. Carla offered her own experience on all the things therapists say and parents know; the more you try to pull someone close the more they push you away, and how obsessing over things like smoking and drinking only serves to make them more enticing.
***
Jill beamed at her reflection in the mirror; she’d never really worn makeup before. Andi was as pleased with her work as Jill was. “We HAVE to do something with you nails too.” The girl talk made Jill feel mature and accepted by her 4 years older friend. She lit another Capri and took advantage of the mirror to admire her progress. Thanks to Andi’s expertise, Jill now had that classy lip print she so desired. She tried to play it cool and not stare into the mirror; but couldn’t help admiring her quick progress. Her style was now just like Andi’s and she’d gained enough confidence to start practicing snaps.
Without asking, Andi lifted Jill’s foot into her lap, peeled off the long knee socks and got to work on her toes. “No makeup at school, so you’ll need to remember to take off your fingernail polish Sunday night. Leave it on your toes though; it’ll be your own private ‘fuck you’ to the school,” she laughed. “It’ll be your SECOND step to taking my place as the school bad bitch after I graduate” she laughed.
Andi’s words stoked Jill’s self confidence but a nugget of reality set in. “How, uh… how many does it take to get addicted?” She wasn’t even sure how to properly ask the question. “I like it and want to be good at it but I don’t really want to become a ‘smoker,’ no offense.”
“‘Smoker’ is a label haters put on us; it’s an unfair insult. We’re just doing something we love; it’s not an identity. We’re not out to recruit, it’s not contagious; I don’t understand why anti-crusaders can’t just leave us alone.”
Jill retreated for fear she’d insulted her friend. “I’m sorry, I meant no offense. But how will I know I’m getting addicted so I can stop?”
Andi waved her off, not at all offended. “It sneaks up on you. Nobody likes their first – though you seemed to,” she smiled. “After a few, you realize you like it. Then you
love it and look forward to treating yourself. I’m addicted to taking a shower every day too, is that bad? I don’t know; I’ve never really been interested in quitting. Honestly, the only way to not get addicted is to not start. It’s a personal decision everyone has to make for herself. You’ll decide for yourself how much you like it and whether you want to continue.” Andi ended on a positive and responsible note.
***
The pack of her preferred cigarettes sitting on the table triggered Carla, especially with a half bottle of wine in her now, but she didn’t want to light up in front of Lenore, knowing it was the source of her anxiety.
“Forgive me for the wine talking, but why do you allow Andi to smoke at her age?”
Like their daughters and their parallel conversation, there was no offense between them. Carla explained she started when she was a teenager and every child of a smoking parent will inevitably ask for one; or at least what it’s like. Carla said she took it head on and let Andi try her first cigarette when she was 14. She believed she was taking the mature high road by treating her daughter like a budding adult who could make her own decisions. People can and have made their own judgments on whether that was the right thing to do but Carla was unapologetic. “Andi is responsible, doesn’t abuse the privilege and has never been in trouble. And the best part of it,” she followed, “is that we have something to bond over; we have our best conversations over weekend coffee, passing the same cigarette back and forth between us. I’m really going to miss her when she leaves for college.” Talking about it really triggered Carla and made her fidgety.
Carla was describing the exact relationship Lenore desperately wanted with her Jill; but why did cigarettes have to be a part of it. What’s wrong with just coffee.
“I’m sorry; do you have a lighter?” Carla interrupted Lenore mid-sentence. “I understand your feelings about it and I’m sorry to be rude but I really want one.”
Jill didn’t mind and found a long stick lighter she uses for candles. At this point she was intrigued anyway. She studied her friend and could actually detect Carla’s physical relaxation as she lit up. She’d never been this close to someone smoking a cigarette before; she always associated it with older people with wrinkled faces damaged from a lifetime habit and the foul odor that came with it. Carla wasn’t any of that. Lenore wondered how Carla could be so fit and beautiful after smoking, what, 25 years if she’s 40? None of it made sense.
“Thank you, this is nice. Seriously though, please don’t hold it against Jill. She’s not smoking, but even if she is, she’s still your daughter and needs to feel the love and support you obviously have for her. You don’t need to compromise your convictions; just make sure she knows you love her. Ugh, that was horribly preachy. I’m sorry!”
“No need to apologize, it’s good to hear it out loud,” Lenore conceded. “Maybe if I have one I can say I tried it and didn’t like it. I still don’t want her smoking but maybe saying I tried it will give me some credibility or help me relate or something.”
Lenore had finally come to the conclusion she couldn’t stop Jill from growing up; the best she could do was love her and be there for her, helping her make good, responsible decisions – her own decisions. Some she’d agree with, some she’s sure she wouldn’t, but they’d be her own.
***
“I love it but my mom’s going to freak,” Jill said, admiring her makeover in the mirror. Coming home from Andi’s house smelling of smoke in full makeup would pour gasoline on and already raging fire.
“Let me walk you over there. Carla’s still there and I doubt Lenore would make a scene in front of us. We should go now before she comes back.”
Jill hugged her friend and thanked her for the best afternoon of her life.
“These are yours,” Andi said, handing the Capri’s to her friend. “They’re good to start on if you decide you want to keep smoking. If not you can give them to me Monday morning. You need to give it some thought over the weekend. Personal decision; don’t let anyone influence you.”
***
“What. The. Actual. Fuck.” Andi’s words alarmed Jill as she turned back from locking the front door.
Jill gasped quietly as they looked through the back window. Sunlight beamed through an empty bottle of wine next to accompanying empty glasses. Each mom held a freshly lit cigarette; both of them. Lenore was obviously a novice but it appeared Carla was giving some familiar coaching. Andi and Jill faced each other,
held hands and mocked an open mouthed silent scream. They watched a few minutes before softly walking through the back door. Any normal kid would have relished the chance to drop the hypocrite card and lord it over her mother. Jill simply asked the question; much less profane than her older mentor had a moment earlier.
Lenore answered with honesty. She just wanted to be able to say she tried it; not wanting to be a rabid anti-smoker preaching to anyone, especially her daughter. Having at least tried it would give her a frame of reference to accompany her convictions.
“Do you like it?”
Lenore shook her head; “not really; at least right now, but I can see how easily you could get used to it.” Her words meandered clumsily and ended with a veiled confession “…honestly I like it more than I thought I would.”
Her mother’s honesty prompted Jill to correct her earlier false confession and then confessed again to having several with Andi throughout the afternoon. Hearing that reality stung Lenore that she had been the one who pushed her daughter to have her first cigarette. She looked at Carla and Andi sitting on the patio couch, holding hands as mother and daughter should and held her cigarette out toward Jill. “Your makeup looks beautiful.”